I’m dating a married man. He has a list of rules that he follow with his wife to ensure they both get what the need but also have a stronger relationship with each other. I feel like some of the rules make it so I’m forced to be an outsider and quite frankly I’m feeling neglected. How long into this is it okay to ask if we can negotiate? Or is it never okay?
There is no rule that says “new partners must uncomplainingly accept all terms and conditions until a period of 6 months dating has passed, and then they are allowed to negotiate between 1 (one) and 3 (three) terms and/or conditions. After a period of one year, if said parties have continued in their dating relationship, they are considered ‘Serious’ and, as such, all other terms and/or conditions may be negotiated.”
If you’re in a relationship where your partner has specific rules designed explicitly to make sure his other relationship always stays stronger than yours, and you don’t like that, your best bet is probably to leave that relationship. You are free to try to bring them up and ask your partner for some flexibility - you don’t need to wait a certain period of time until it’s okay to ask. But if he says no, it’s not because there’s some Polyam Law that says you’re not entitled to that discussion. It’s because he doesn’t want to.
I know that some people are totally cool being a secondary, or a casual partner, but for most people, being shut out by a partner’s couple privilege and being limited by a bunch of rules, especially when these limits are indefinite and not just early-stage caution, is not healthy. If a relationship makes you feel neglected and excluded, it’s not a relationship you should stay in.