I’m a monogamous person who entered a polyamorous relationship thinking, mistakenly, I was polyamorous. My partner and I ended up moving in together. Now, I am miserable, and in constant crisis. I don’t want to be in this relationship or stay roommates after a breakup- but I am the sole breadwinner and asking him to leave would mean he would be homeless (he is disabled). I feel like I should find a mutual friend who would take him in before breaking up, is that ethical or heartless?
I am strongly of the opinion that if your partner is enough of an adult with personal agency to date, they are enough of an adult with personal agency to break up with. It is not your responsibility to find someone to “take him in” before breaking up. He’s not entitled to a relationship that comes with a live-in carer or financier. You should let him know that you want to break up and stop living together, and give him a reasonable amount of time to find his own living arrangements (that might be 30 days, 3 months, whatever is reasonable in your area and his life.)
But you need to hold to that timeline. Make it very clear that it is a hard deadline and non-negotiable. If you need help holding this boundary, enlist the help of a neutral third-party. If he chooses to bury his head in the sand and refuse to look for new roommates or explore other options, it’s not your job to do that for him. Many of us have situations that require us to find new living arrangements on a specific timeline, and most of us manage. If you want to help him with that, not out of a sense of ethical obligation but as a friend who cares about him, feel free; but it’s ultimately his responsibility, not yours. If he really is at risk of becoming homeless, he can connect with local services that help disabled adults or reach out to whoever he lived with before moving in with you.
You may also want to speak with a local lawyer about tenancy law in the area - hopefully it won’t come to that, but it’s good to know everyone’s rules and rights about asking someone to leave your home.