My wife & I are polyamorous. She has been seeing one of her old crushes from when they were kids, only now he is in a monogamous relationship with his wife of 4 years. They have been talking day & night non-stop, sharing their romantic & sexual feelings for each other. She knows that she's having an affair & doesn't care for the girl's feelings, only I feel terrible about it. I am so thrilled my wife is happy in her new relationship, but I feel upset that it's unethical nonmonogamy. Any advice?
Have you talked to your wife about this, and gotten a clear statement from her that she “doesn’t care” about the fact that she’s participating in something unethical? And have you clearly expressed to her that you feel upset by her choices?
As in most things, your first step is to make sure you’ve had a clear and open conversation about what’s going on for you emotionally. Let her know that you are glad for her to have found a happy relationship, but your problem is with the unethical side of what’s going on.
She could then decide that she doesn’t want to continue making a choice that makes her partner uncomfortable, or that makes her partner see her in a less-than-stellar light. She could, however, tell you that she hears your concerns but will continue as-is.
Then you’ll need to decide how to respond. Are you okay staying in a relationship with a person who behaves that way? Do you need to enact boundaries around her sharing about this relationship with you? Would you feel ethically compelled to let the wife know?
All we can do is act on the information we have. Give your wife a chance to provide you with plenty of information about what she is doing and plans to do; then let her know what you are going to do in response to that information. I am sorry that you’re in this situation!