I’m new to the poly LS. I’m a DD in the Bdsm community. My LG is poly an wants another LG to join our family. I don’t know where or how to go about looking for another poly LG that’s pan or bi sexual in our area. Any advice or tips would be helpful.

(For my readers unfamiliar with the acronyms, DD stands for “Daddy Dom” and LG stands for “Little Girl.”)

Let me just start by saying that what you’re looking for is pretty rare. You are looking for someone who checks three very specific boxes: bi/pan, LG, and polyamorous. Then you’re hoping that very specific person wants to enter a relationship with you and your girl. Those are five separate ‘stars’ that all need to align. It will take a long time to find this, so be patient. Don’t treat people and relationships like customizable toys you can pull off a shelf with your own specifications.

Women, especially women who check certain boxes - like being bi/pan, identifying as a LG, etc. are all too used to people trying to get them to join an already existing relationship, so you are already offering something that isn’t in super high demand. Be aware that anyone you approach will likely be wary and even on the defensive. Be patient, mature, and genuine. The key here is to highlight what you have to offer, not what you’re asking for. 

The best way to meet people in the BDSM community is through scene events. Make a Fetlife profile, if you haven’t already. Let people know who you and your LG are, and what you have to offer. Again: highlight what you have to offer, not what you’re asking for.  Be clear about what you want, but put most of the focus on why an awesome, poly, bi/pan LG would enjoy playing with you.

Go to scene events and meet people. Don’t go in with a “shopping” mindset, acting like you’re there on the prowl for a second LG. Just be yourselves and make friends. If you’re comfortable, go to play parties and let others see what your style is. If you’re patient and genuine, you’ll find play partners.

In the meantime, beef up your BDSM skills - The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy are my favorites. Go to workshops hosted by your local scene, volunteer at events, etc. Again, it’s less about “how do I find what I’m looking for - where are all the perfect ones hiding?” and more about “how do I attract what I’m looking for - how do I become the DD that other LGs want to play with?”

It’s frustrating to want something in your sex life that you can’t get right away, I know. But you can scratch that itch in other ways while you wait for someone to want to join your family. When you and your girl play, tell each other stories and share fantasies about having more girls to play with. Watch porn or read erotica together that reflects this fantasy. Be prepared to compromise - maybe you’ll meet someone who wants to do a play session with you two, but isn’t ready to ‘join the family.’ If you’re flexible and fun, you’ll get what you want!