Ok,b been married 23 years. Husband got into a little fantasy play, now has decided that he wants more than one wife. I’m totally against this. It was ok I’m fantasy land, but not for reals. Our once wonderful sex life is all but gone, I mean I get a pity session every now and then but nothing like before. I love him, & don’t want to give up on him, but everything is about how much he wants to fuck someone else. I can’t just walk away from 23 years, kids, grandkids ETC. Help???

Have you told him that you don’t appreciate the “pity sessions” and would like to get back to having a sex life together that isn’t about him withholding himself from you to try and coerce permission to sleep with someone else? Is he willing to try and find a compromise there? Have you two tried to bring the ‘spark’ back without making the step into non-monogamy? Something like watching porn together that fulfills that fantasy, writing erotica back and forth about that fantasy, trying something new in the bedroom that is a fantasy you both share but isn’t related to this specific thing, etc.?

Have you talked with him about what his fantasy is actually about? There may be a way for him to scratch this itch in a less extreme way. There is also a big difference between “wanting more than one wife” and “wanting to fuck someone else.” What is your hard limit? Do you simply not want him to sleep with anyone else, or are you turned off by the intensity of the fantasy? Would you be okay with him having a discreet, don’t-ask-don’t-tell affair, but not with a full blown “other wife,” or is it the sexual infidelity that’s the dealbreaker for you? Would you be willing to try a threesome with him? 

Ultimately, though, your husband refuses to be present to your sexual and relational needs unless you let him sleep with someone else, and you refuse to let him sleep with someone else, you may be at an impasse. “I won’t stay with him if he’s going to act like this” and “I won’t leave him” are not positions you can hold simultaneously - at some point, you’ll need to decide what the best choice is for you, since you can’t change his behavior, but you can control yours.