Some Friday FAQ-able questions

What is NRE?

“New Relationship Energy.” Refers to the burst of intimacy, excitement, and energy that often accompanies a new relationship. Check my FAQ page here for lots of resources that will include terminology and glossaries.

I frequently see people refer to "identifying" as poly, but I'm not sure I understand what that means. If being poly is just willingness to be in a poly relationship, is that an identity in the same way that gender and sexuality are? Or is there more to it, or something that I'm missing? I'm asking because I'm questioning stuff about myself right now and I'm just not sure.

See my FAQ page on that here!

Can you explain or link me to an explanation of what the terms on your faq mean? The list that includes: bipoly, polyamorish, werepoly, etc? I cant find definitions for them and scrolling through your posts I cant find them either. I don’t want to ask something that's already answered but I cant find them

Those terms appear on this page for people questioning whether they may be polyamorous, and those terms are meant to encompass experiences, identities, or desires that fit somewhere between the two binary poles of “polyamorous” and “monogamous.”

Hello, my wife and i have had a desire to share our life and bed with another woman but can't seem to find a woman that shares the same feelings and thoughts as we do. Do you have any suggestions on where to look?

Don’t think about it as “where to look to find a woman” who meets all your criteria - there is no secret warehouse of ideal polyamorous women. It’s about forming healthy human connections, not going shopping. Check my FAQ page on this here.

Can you please explain polycule and metamour to me from your last ask?

A polycule is a polyamorous network; think like a chemistry diagram of a molecule where a bunch of little circles are connected in various configurations. It’s a group of people who are all connected in some way by various relationships.

A metamour is a partner of a partner. So if I’m dating Leslie, and Leslie is dating Ben, then Ben is my metamour.

But - good news - you don’t need to wait for me to explain things to you! My FAQ page includes lots of resources and links with things like glossaries and term lists. I also have a specific post with lists of glossaries and indexes for poly-specific terms.

Before you send me a question, it’s always good to check the FAQ and search my blog’s tags! That may keep you from having to wait for a while or never get your question posted, since I don’t answer everything I get, especially if it’s something I’ve already covered. You can also try Googling specific terms or concepts, since there are a lot of great polyamorous resources out there besides my blog.

FAQ: How does a couple find a third?

I get lots of questions from couples looking to “add” or “bring in” another person to their relationship. This is generally referred to as “unicorn hunting,” as the third person is a “unicorn.”

I cover most of this in my other posts, but here is a breakdown of what I’m likely to tell you if you send me a question about finding a third:

One: Be patient. There are approximately one berzillion books, songs, movies, comics, and whathaveyou about how hard it is for monogamous people to find partners. It takes time and effort. And it’s much harder to find someone who is attracted to two other people and is attractive to those two other people. The math is not on your side. Don’t assume that you’ll visit a few poly meetups and make a couple’s profile on OKC and suddenly be awash in options. That’s not how dating works, for anyone, of any relationship style.

Two: People are not sex toys. Most messages I get are phrased as people “looking for a third to add to their relationship.” That’s a pretty objectifying way to frame it. Would you be into someone if they said “hey, I’ve been looking for a boyfriend to add to my life, I am hereby inviting you to be included in what I want to do”? People are people - you gotta treat them like it.

Three: Why are you doing this? Ask yourself why it’s critical to you that you and your partner find someone to date together, as a unit. Is it to offset jealousy on one side? Because what you really want is a threesome? To try and explore non-monogamy without threatening your existing relationship? All of those require more self-work and honesty on your part. Try to work out those issues together - adding a third will not magically solve existing problems. Consider whether it’s possible to try V-shaped non-monogamy, even if that takes more time and emotional work on your part.

Four: What do you have to offer? Most requests for a third look just like that - requests. “We want a bisexual woman who wants to be exclusive with us.” That’s nice. But people don’t come special-order like American Girl dolls you can build online with the exact specs you want. Again, would you be interested in someone whose dating profile read “I’m looking for a woman, preferably blonde or redhead, into hiking or swimming, with left-leaning politics and a passion for oral sex”? You want to be a couple that other people are drawn to organically, not a couple on the prowl.

Here are some of my posts on the topic:

And here are resources elsewhere: