I've been dating polyamorously, but now that I may be getting a divorce, my other partner wants us to go mono

I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for almost 6 months now and I was very upfront with him about being poly and married. I have started to have serious problems with my marriage that may end in divorce but now my partner is suddenly asking me to not be poly anymore if I get divorced, he says that he realized that he hates sharing me and he couldn't handle me being with anyone else. I'm not sure how to handle this, I'm fine with mono relationships but he's being pushy about it.

If you would be happy dating this guy monogamously, then you are well within your rights to decide to shift the terms of the relationship like that! You were polyamorous when it worked best for you and your relationship, and monogamous under the same circumstances.

But if you don’t want to date that guy monogamously, then you don’t have to! You can tell him that you are not interested in changing that term of the relationship, and if he can’t stay in a relationship with you on those terms, then you’ll have to sadly part ways. Only you can decide!

However, it sounds like you’re more worried about his pushiness and the way he’s framing this change. Even if you could theoretically be happy in a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to try it right now, right here, with this guy. If you don’t like the way he handled the request, that’s a completely valid reason to turn down the request. If he made a reasonable request in an unreasonable way, it doesn’t really matter that the request was initially reasonable.

If he’s generally behaving in a way that feels pushy (a word you used) or even possessive or controlling (words I acknowledge you did not use), then you can reconsider the terms of the relationship on that basis alone. Have you ever told him “no” before? Is this part of a larger pattern? Note that 6 months isn’t a whole lot of time to date someone, especially since at least some of that time has been shared with the emotional turmoil of your marriage struggling. Note also that some of the language you used when quoting him sounds very, well, controlling and possessive.

I’m not usually one to go the “trust your gut” route, but if you don’t like how he’s being with this, I think you should take that as a strong signal. My advice is to hold firm that the relationship is and will remain a polyamorous one, and if he’s not okay with that, it will need to end. If he tries to argue or push back or demand monogamy or otherwise not take no for an answer, that is NOT a sign that you should have gone monogamous, it’s a sign that you should LEAVE the relationship rather than continuing to negotiate for it.

One of my partners dislikes one of my other partners - what should I conclude about this?

So I am currently in a V relationship (Still have NRE from new partner), but have a few comets that I interact with. One of my partners doesn't seem to like one of my comets and gets mad whenever I had mentioned them. Is this something that you think is problematic? Does this seem toxic or is it more insecurity?

First, I must get on a soapbox. If you want to skip straight to me actually trying to answer this person’s question, scroll down.

I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an out of touch boomer who thinks “cancel culture” is the same as “my grandkids don’t think the tv shows I like are funny,” but I don’t know how else to say it - you’ve got to get off tumblr. Or tiktok. Or whatever corner of advice, language, and ideas you’ve been hanging out in.

Because I can’t actually answer the questions you asked.

First, you described your partner’s behavior in 2 sentences, then asked me if I think it’s "problematic.” I don’t know what that means! Does “problematic” just mean “problem causing?” What is a “problem?” Is it anything that causes minor annoyances, or does being “problematic” mean that something is a serious relationship issue requiring examination and change?

And what does it matter if I, an anonymous advice blogger, think it’s problematic? It’s your relationship! What would you gain from knowing whether or not I think it’s problematic?

What are you really asking me? Are you asking me if I think you should break up with this person? Are you asking me if I think your partner is behaving 100% reasonably? Are you asking me what I think you ought to do in response?

Then you ask “Does this seem toxic” - again, you’re deferring to whatever my perspective is on this issue, like I’m some high court of relationships. Plus, the word “toxic” - what does it mean? It’s just as vague as “problematic,” and I genuinely can’t help you here.

Finally, you ask “Does this seem toxic OR is it more insecurity?” Friend, first of all, you can’t contrast behavior with mental state; those aren’t an either/or situation. People can behave in “toxic” ways because they feel “insecure.” One doesn’t exclude or excuse the other. It’s not like there are two categories of people: “toxic, problematic people” vs. “people who are acting out of insecurity.”

Second, I do not know your partner! I do not know you! I do not know your relationship! You’ve given me two sentences, and then asked me to make a ruling on whether a person is being “problematic” or “toxic,” then asked me to theorize about their emotional motivations. You cannot reduce a person to those labels! People are complex!

The focus on psychoanalyzing the people in our lives and sorting them into neat categories is something I am seeing a lot in corners of the internet that focus on relationships and well being. I think it is an unhelpful worldview, because it leads real people with real, unique, complicated problems to reach out for advice with a framing that will render any answer meaningless.

Here is where I actually answer the question after parsing its framing:

If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, you have a right to speak up about it. And you get to decide how big of an issue this is. If it’s something that bothers you but isn’t feeling like a major unmet need - like, of course it would be nice if all my partners got along, but I can’t realistically expect that, so let’s just agree to disagree and be civil - then you can ask your partner as a matter of politeness to just keep their thoughts to themselves. If they do, great. If they still don’t, then it’s a matter of them being rude and not respecting your reasonable request.

If it’s something that is causing problems to the point that you’re reconsidering the terms of your relationship, or if it’s impacting your relationship in a significant way, then you’ll want to address it differently. You’ll want to be open with your partner about how it’s affecting you, and ask them where these comments are coming from. You two then need to talk about how you’ll manage a relationship where metamours dislike each other like that, and you may even find that you have irreconcilable differences about that.

You can also decide to shrug it off if it doesn’t bother you enough to want to make an issue out of it. There is a wide spectrum of completely rational responses to this situation, depending on your specific individual circumstances. All of it has to do with really concrete questions, like: “How do those statements make me feel?” “Am I okay feeling that?” “What needs to change for me to be okay?” “How is my partner responding to my questions and requests about this?”

Other people might make different choices in your situation, and that’s okay! No one else gets to be the arbiter of what you should or shouldn’t tolerate in your relationships. Focus on what you need and what and how you’re feeling and what you’re doing - that’s the context you need to determine whether something is actually a problem.

I like a guy who is also in a polyamorous relationship - how do I figure out whether he's open to dating me?

I have crush on this guy, but this guy is in a polycule with 2 other people, I don't know if they are in a closed relationship, and i'm only really close with one of them but i want to get to know them all better, but how do I ask if they are open?? I don't want to ask them out if they are in a closed relationship, but I'll never know if I don't ask if they are open, but if I ask and they aren't then it might be obvious that I'm into them??

Oh this is an easy one!

You just gotta ask!

You say “hey, I’m wondering, your relationship with Mondo and Siriano, how does that work? Like, would you be open to dating other people? What would that look like?”

I promise, it’s totally worth it and actually very low risk! There are a few possible outcomes for telling them, and they almost all are win-win:

The guy you’re crushing on tells you that they are open, and you get to have a friendly conversation about how he and his partners approach dating and stuff like that, and you get a potential ‘in’ for future flirting and pursuit of that changed relationship.

The guy you’re crushing on says “nah, we’re a closed relationship” or “I’m not really open to dating” or otherwise brushes it off, and you get your answer and can continue being friends without this question hanging over you. If he figured out from this question that you were into him and his partner but knows that will be an unrequited crush, and he’s a good friend, he’ll gloss over that part and pretend not to have noticed.

If he for some reason figures out that you’re into him AND gets weird about it or it damages the friendship, that’s actually an okay outcome too. You get to find out where you stand with this guy and you don’t end up staying in a friendship under terms that make it difficult.

You can’t lose here! You’ll get an answer to your question and valuable information on how that relationship will look going forward.

Best of luck!

How can I tell someone I've recently started flirting with that I'm polyamorous?

So im talking to a girl right now and she doesn't know im poly yet and have a bf but I've been burned in the past with girls knowing; either immediately not giving me a chance to prove im not someone who wants multiple partners; or they have used it to get to my bf and I's money or string me along cuz they know they can; how should I break it to her? And make sure she knows im in this for real and no games.

If someone finds out that you’re polyamorous and then immediately stops being interested in dating you, that is okay! The whole point of “talking to” someone in this context is to figure out whether you want to get more serious with your relationship. It sucks when someone you’re talking to decides to bail after learning something about you, but it’s part of the game. No one owes you “a chance,” even if you think you could prove to them over time that you’d be someone they’d enjoy dating.

It’s possible that you may be treating polyamory as some dark secret - you yourself phrase it as “breaking it to her” like it’s bad news. It’s also possible that what turns girls off is the fact that you kept the fact of your relationship a secret for so long that when you told them, it felt like you had been lying by omission. It’s also possible that you just keep running into people who don’t want to date someone in a polyamorous relationship.

The best thing to do is to be open and honest and up front. Be upbeat and casual when you share this information. Let people know that you’re open to dating other people and not “off the market” just because you have a boyfriend. But also let people know that you do have a boyfriend. Be prepared to do some gentle and non-judgmental education and question answering.

Consider also that you may be fishing in the wrong pond, so to speak, if you continue to come across people who react negatively to you being polyamorous. If you’re actively seeking new partners, try dating in a way that lets you be more up front about your relationship. If you’re meeting people through another social scene or casual acquaintances, consider whether it’s safe and possible for you to be more out and open as a polyamorous person.

And if you’re worried about someone stringing you along for money, do not send them money.

My wife faced discrimination over being polyamorous, which is making her reconsider trying it

Me and my wife went poly about 2 months ago, everything was fine until just recently someone reported her for harassment at her work for being poly all because this person doesn't like how friendly she is with other people and thinking she just wants to screw them since she’s poly. Now she doesn't want to due to this. So first of all is that discrimination and can we fight it or like what? Second I still want to be poly but I don't know how to explain it to her and whatnot.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. For starters, the harassment report at work. Polyamory is not a protected class, so this would not be discrimination in a legally actionable sense. If it is true that this person simply reported her for “being poly,” then your wife probably has nothing to worry about besides some annoying conversations with HR. However, if her company culture is very conservative, she may be up against more challenges.

It’s important to remember that most people think “polyamory” is a sexual behavior, not an identity or relationship style. So they can feel uncomfortable or harassed by hearing a coworker talk about it. If someone at work asked me what I did over the weekend, and I said “I went to a BDSM party and got spanked,” or “I hd great sex with my girlfriend and came three times,” that would be wildly inappropriate for work and my coworkers would be justified in feeling uncomfortable. But if I said “I went on a date with my boyfriend” or “I saw a movie with my partner,” that would be fine.

The sticky part comes when you say “I went on a date with both of my boyfriends.” We as polyamorous people understand that this is just as reasonable to say and is not a violation of anyone’s decency. But some people do perceive that as an over-sharing of private, sexual information. And sometimes that battle is worth fighting, and other times, when someone’s livelihood is at stake, it might not be worth it to try and educate a bunch of people at your job. So your wife needs to figure out how much she is willing to risk to be “out” at work.

However, if this is about behavior on your wife’s part that someone perceived as harassing, that’s different than being reported simply for “being poly.” If the way that she is friendly with people at work is inappropriate or makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not relevant to her polyamory - though her behavior could be seen through a more sexualized lens if she is also talking about her polyamory. In that case, she should stop behaving that way at work and follow whatever procedures her workplace has to resolve the issue. If this is instead some social drama more related to someone’s petty jealousy over other people’s workplace friendships and someone just trying to use details of her personal life to cause problems for her, hopefully her HR department will see through that and let the matter drop.

So my advice for her on that count is to be professional and responsible and listen carefully to what she needs to do about this report. It could amount to nothing but a disgruntled coworker complaining about something dumb, or on the other extreme end, she could lose her job. Since polyamory is not a protected class, that would be legal. You could find a lawyer and try to fight it, but you’d need to decide whether an expensive and drawn out court battle over a very new-to-the-legal-system concept is worth it. She could also decide to be less “out” at work, or look for another job where she is more comfortable and accepted.

As for her not wanting to try out polyamory with you, it seems like there’s more to the situation than that. If it’s what you two have decided is right for you and your relationship at this time, some aggravation from her coworkers shouldn’t be able to fully re-balance those scales. But if she’s feeling freaked out about facing social censure, that’s understandable. If she’s realizing that she isn’t committed or invested enough in polyamory to make the sacrifices it can require, that’s good information to have.

It’s less about “how to explain it to her” and more about having an open conversation. What is she concerned about? What was she hoping for when you two “went poly,” and what is making her want to reconsider? How can you support her through the stress of the workplace report? Where might you two find community outside of her friends at work? Would she be happy trying polyamory while having to stay closeted about it in some areas of her life? Take it all in and treat it as information that can help you two make an informed choice about how to move forward.

My boyfriend's wife says she's okay with polyamory, but when we talk she cries about it

My bf said he was poly and said his wife was on board. She and I spoke by email for a while before meeting and she seemed happy and consenting. I have met her in person 3 times now and all she does is cry and talk about how hard this is. She is clearly not ok with this arrangement. I love my bf and am afraid to lose him but I hate that she is hurting. I offered to walk away (even though that would destroy me) but my bf said absolutely no. What do I do? Any way to make this better for her?

A couple of reality checks: First, leaving a relationship will not destroy you. You may be in a lot of grief and pain, but your structural integrity is not being threatened. You can and will survive the loss of a partner who you love. Also, your boyfriend saying “absolutely not” doesn’t mean you can’t leave a relationship. That’s your call to make. Finally, her emotional struggles are not your responsibility nor are they something you can control.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship where your metamour is so unhappy. I’m of the belief that adults are allowed to take each other at their word, so the fact that she says she’s consenting is significant here. It’s possible that she just has lots of feelings about polyamory and thinks you’re the only person she can vent all this stuff out to, and that she’s less miserable than she seems. It’s possible that she’s really hurting and is refusing to acknowledge it for her own reasons.

Start by talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that whenever you and his wife meet in person, she tells you about how unhappy she is with this arrangement. Let him know that you’re really uncomfortable with this. What does he think? Does he mind? Does he think you have an obligation to manage his wife’s feelings? What is he prepared to do to make space in his relationship for a healthy exploration of polyamory?

Would he be okay with it if you stepped back from having conversations with his wife about this? It’s okay if you say that you’re happy to meet up with her socially and get to know each other, but that as metamours, you don’t think you’re able to process and receive her feelings about her relationship with her husband.

If your boyfriend isn’t able and willing to help you find a more sustainable way forward, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re harming someone and doesn’t put the onus of handling his wife’s feelings onto you, then this could be worked out. But if he can’t collaborate with you on some healing work here - if he’s fine with this status quo where his wife pretends to be okay with something that she’s obviously not okay with, and where you’re asked to provide ad-hoc poly therapy to her - you’re better off leaving the relationship. He doesn’t have to “let you,” and you will suffer heartbreak, but neither of those things mean you must stay in a relationship that isn’t good for you.

I've been flirting with someone and we've discussed dating, but he hasn't told his girlfriend

My partner is fine with me dating my crush, but my crush hasn’t told his gf he’s poly. He’s continuing to flirt with me while also delaying talking to her. I’m trying really hard to get him to talk to his gf cause he’s being a dick to both of us by not telling her, I’m tired of being his secret, and I don’t want his gf getting hurt. So I guess I have two questions: 1. Am I also an asshole in this situation, for letting things get this far? 2. How do I get outta this mess?

I don’t think you’re an asshole - it sounds like you were acting in good faith, expecting that he’s going to talk to his girlfriend about permission to date you. And now that things have gone this far, you’re realizing that they shouldn’t go farther without her consent.

Let him know that you’re no longer comfortable with things as they stand, and you feel dangerously close to being complicit in his choice to cheat on his girlfriend. Tell him that everything between you two needs to halt immediately and can only resume once she’s fully informed and on board.

Someone didn't want to date me polyamorously - is that polyphobia?

Been dating someone 3 years, I’m poly he’s not. Was seeing someone else for the past 9 months who knew I was poly and with someone from the start. We had a really good thing going but after like 7 months I tried to DTR and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Cut to now, he told me he’s seeing someone else and cannot keep seeing me anymore. And then told me it was because I’m poly and he doesn’t know how our relationship would work since I'm already in a relationship. My question is, is that like polyphobia??? Is polyphobia even a thing? I’m also bisexual and have been told people won’t date me for that and this seems like the exact same thing. But two of my monogamous friends are like “yeah but I see where he’s coming from I wouldn’t wanna date someone who was sleeping with/dating someone else either” and I’m like “??? bc ur brainwashed into thinking monogamy is natural and normal?!” I’m so frustrated and heartbroken. I didn’t choose to be poly.

Polyphobia certainly exists, but it’s not the same as an individual person deciding they don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. No one is obligated to date you, and if someone decides that they don’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean that you’re being oppressed or excluded or are the victim of a structural bias. It is fine for any individual person to choose not to be in a polyamorous relationship, even after trying it out for a bit. Not wanting to live in New York doesn’t make me city-phobic, not wanting to date a smoker doesn’t make me smoker-phobic. We’re all allowed our personal preferences.

Polyphobia looks like a multiparent family being turned down for adoption or a foster care placement. It looks like a system that only allows two partners to share marriage benefits. It looks like slut-shaming and cultural cruelty toward people who are in polyamorous relationships. The difference between someone not wanting to date a bisexual person and someone not wanting to date a person already in a polyamorous relationship is that your polyamory fundamentally changes the terms of the relationship he’d be in. It’s okay for him to decide he doesn’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. It’s not about who you are, it’s about what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

Whatever you believe about monogamy, it’s not cool to say that people with monogamous preferences or orientations are “brainwashed.” You yourself said that you “didn’t choose to be poly,” which indicates you subscribe to some flavor of the born-this-way narrative. That means you also need to make space for people who, either due to their choices or their innate characteristics, are monogamous.

It’s okay to be frustrated and heartbroken. Not getting to date someone who you really wanted to date, or having a relationship end that you were really enjoying - that’s painful! It sucks! But the fact that you are hurting doesn’t always mean you were wronged. It’s easy to direct anger toward the guy whose choices have hurt you, but he didn’t do anything wrong. He figured out what he wanted from a relationship and was clear with you about what he could and couldn’t continue to be in your life. Spend some quality time with your other partner, eat some comfort food, and grieve this instance of not getting what you want, without making anyone out to be the villain.

How do I support my partner through a breakup with his other partner?

My metamour is divorcing my partner, which made my partner absolutely heartbroken. How do I comfort him through this? Should I just ask what I can do to help?

Yes, your instinct is correct that asking him how you can help is a good first step. Since I don’t know your partner, I can’t speak to what would be comforting to him. He may want to talk about it, or he may want a space where the divorce is not a huge part of his world; he may want lots of cuddles, or he may want more time alone than usual. Follow his lead!

However, people who are deep in grief or stress can’t always clearly ask for what they want or need to feel better, so you can also be a bit more proactive in supporting him. Doing small favors that take things off his plate - things like taking care of cleaning or household chores that he usually does, filling up his gas tank, bringing him his favorite foods, etc. - can really help.

You could also ask if he would like some help managing the nitty-gritty of the divorce process. Sometimes that can feel overwhelming, so if you’re up to it, he may appreciate help communicating with lawyers, dealing with his ex, and handling the little bureaucratic tasks that could be piling up as a result of this very painful process.

My metamour helped my partner choose a gift for me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that

I am with Norrington, who’s also dating Elberta. This is my first poly relationship. On my birthday, Norrington mentioned that Elberta helped him choose a lovely, thoughtful present for me. Elberta and I get along, but aren’t very close. I’m not sure how to feel about her apparent involvement in mine and Norrington’s relationship, but I also know she meant well - she was being kind and helpful, not jealous or invasive (I don’t think). So my question: is it normal for metamours to be a little bit involved with the other’s relationship?

Yes, it is normal! Usually, people tend to have ‘types,’ or general personality preferences, when they date, so metamours often have certain things in common. So Elberta would likely be a good resource for Norrington to ask “what kind of gift should I get someone I’m dating? Do you think my other partner would like this?” And since the gift was, as you say, lovely and thoughtful, it sounds like his instincts were correct!

We use the word “partner” for a reason - because relationships are partnerships. People do things with their partners and often seek help, advice, support, or collaboration. Norrington is dating Elberta presumably because he thinks she’s intelligent and he respects her perspective. So it would make sense for him to consult her on this! Since she helped him choose something nice, she clearly was not acting out of any malice, and only a desire to help out her partner and metamour.

And even if it wasn’t “normal,” that wouldn’t necessarily make it problematic or bad. You got a great present, you have a metamour who supports your partner in his relationship with you, it’s all working, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. So if your question is genuinely “should I feel uncomfortable with this?” then my answer is a resounding no.

But if your question is really “I feel a little weird about this, and is that okay?” then my answer is a bit different. Of course you can’t control your feelings, and sometimes things bring up feelings for us that don’t feel useful or fair. It might help to think about why you feel uncomfortable. Do you feel like the gift isn’t really from your partner, and you wish he had done all the effort to figure it out? Do you just not like the idea of his other partner being involved? Do you feel pressure to get closer to Elberta, but you aren’t interested? Press in a bit on that discomfort and identify what’s going on with you so you can talk with Norrington about it and have a clearer problem/solution in mind besides “idk about her involvement in this.”

I'm autistic, new to polyamory, and not clear on the expectations around Valentine's Day

What’s the etiquette for Valentine’s Day when your partner is poly? I’m autistic and never been in a poly relationship before nor have I celebrated Valentine’s Day and I’m really nervous about it all. Is it a faux pas to get flowers if a metamour is too? Should I ask my partner about it or is it weird to talk about Valentine’s Day with them?

I am sorry that you’re feeling nervous! As a general rule, it is not “weird” to talk about relationships and preferences with your partners - that is the right thing to do. If someone makes you feel bad, weird, or guilty for talking about things, they are not a good person to be dating.

So absolutely ask your partner about it! You can open with something like: “How do you like to celebrate Valentine’s Day?” and ask follow up questions like “Would you like to plan something with me?” or “Do you like to exchange gifts with partners?”

Some people like Valentine’s Day, and enjoy the pageantry of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. Other people are disinterested in it. Some people just take it as a reminder or a reason to do something fun and romantic. Most polyamorous people who celebrate Valentine’s Day extend the holiday so that they can do a “Valentine’s thing” with each partner, but those things don’t all have to be on the 14th. You can go out for a nice meal or plan a snuggle movie night in the vicinity of February 14th and declare it to be Valentine’s. (Of course, some people really care about the specific date - but you’ll only know how much this matters to your partner if you ask!)

As far as a “faux pas,” polyamory hasn’t been an established thing for long enough to have its own Miss Manners type of etiquette. (And I certainly hope it stays that way, honestly.) If your partner likes getting flowers, they’ll probably like getting two bouquets from each partner. If your partner doesn’t really like flowers the rest of the year, they probably won’t mind much either way. Think about what your partner enjoys, and what seems like a romantic gesture to them. The best way to find out is to ask.

You can also let your partner know that you are autistic and that you sometimes feel nervous about not knowing certain relationship traditions or expectations. In a healthy relationship, people would rather be asked about their preferences than have a partner who is worried about solving the mystery. Best of luck, and enjoy your Valentine’s!

Some Friday FAQ-able questions

What is NRE?

“New Relationship Energy.” Refers to the burst of intimacy, excitement, and energy that often accompanies a new relationship. Check my FAQ page here for lots of resources that will include terminology and glossaries.

I frequently see people refer to "identifying" as poly, but I'm not sure I understand what that means. If being poly is just willingness to be in a poly relationship, is that an identity in the same way that gender and sexuality are? Or is there more to it, or something that I'm missing? I'm asking because I'm questioning stuff about myself right now and I'm just not sure.

See my FAQ page on that here!

Can you explain or link me to an explanation of what the terms on your faq mean? The list that includes: bipoly, polyamorish, werepoly, etc? I cant find definitions for them and scrolling through your posts I cant find them either. I don’t want to ask something that's already answered but I cant find them

Those terms appear on this page for people questioning whether they may be polyamorous, and those terms are meant to encompass experiences, identities, or desires that fit somewhere between the two binary poles of “polyamorous” and “monogamous.”

Hello, my wife and i have had a desire to share our life and bed with another woman but can't seem to find a woman that shares the same feelings and thoughts as we do. Do you have any suggestions on where to look?

Don’t think about it as “where to look to find a woman” who meets all your criteria - there is no secret warehouse of ideal polyamorous women. It’s about forming healthy human connections, not going shopping. Check my FAQ page on this here.

My friend is in a monogamous marriage but says things that make me think she might be interested in sex with me

I have a bisexual friend who hasn't had much experience with women. She is married and mono. I have a thing for her and she does for me too. I don't know if I should tell her my feelings. She knows I'm Poly (I'm not looking rn and I have a mono partner). She's expressed her interest in new things, and a sort of disappointment about never really being with a woman. (She loves her man but worries he hasn't had enough experiences...which to me sounds like projection but ok.) I really like her but I don't wanna ruin our relationship or her marriage (I don't want her to cheat..but I don't want her man to freak out about the whole thing if she wants to date me.) She may have to move far away this coming year. What should I do?

Nothing. You should do nothing. She is in a monogamous marriage. It is not cool to pursue someone romantically or sexually who is in a monogamous marriage.

When she talks to you about her concerns and feelings, be a supportive friend, ask broad questions, give generic advice. It’s possible she has no interest in exploring sex or relationships outside her marriage and just wants to chat about her bisexuality with someone who she thinks will “get it.” Or, she could be interested in learning more about polyamory or her options for being with a woman. You can try asking some questions to help her figure out whether she’s just idly venting or trying to strategize around big life choices. You can point her to resources on bisexuality and polyamory.

But this is not an invitation for you to personally provide her with an opportunity to try extramarital sex or sex with a woman. And even if it was, it’s not an invitation you should take. She has a lot to figure out, and it’s not your place to take any action on this.

My partner and I are considering polyamory, but I'm afraid of blowback from my family

I’m polyamorous and my husband is not. However he is fine with me dating. Of course he set rules and such. And they are very reasonable. But I’m scared of what might happen if I date someone. I’m mostly scared of what our families will say or how they’ll act. Because a few of them who know have already made it quite clear they’re against it. Even my mom told me not to be stupid. I feel scared to even try. Is this normal? And is there a safe way to handle this?

The people whose opinions matter when it comes to your relationship are yours and your husband’s (and whoever else you end up dating). Period. Ultimately, if it works for you and your husband, that’s what matters. If other people disapprove of your choices, that can be frustrating and alienating and painful, but if it’s the right choice for you, you’ve gotta find a way to ignore them.

There are some cases where your safety or livelihood could be threatened by making other people upset with your choices. For instance, if you rely financially on family members for food or shelter or other necessities, it may be smarter to keep your head down until you are more independent. If you have a career that could be significantly damaged by vengeful family members spreading sexualized rumors, consider how you need to protect yourself.

Now, you can make the personal decision that maintaining closeness with your family or avoiding their disapproval is more important to you than pursuing a polyamorous relationship. That’s a perfectly legitimate choice to make! Some things just aren’t worth it, and everyone has to make a different calculation. But remember that other people’s negative opinions can’t actually harm you (only their actions can), and being in conflict with people you care about is not actually unsafe. You can decide that all the painful feelings associated with that wouldn’t be worth it, but be very clear with yourself about what the real risks are and where your feelings of fear are coming from. There’s a big difference between being afraid that your physical safety or livelihood would be at risk, versus being afraid that you’ll lose your family’s emotional support or have to endure unpleasant interpersonal interactions.

If you decide to go through with it, talk with your husband about these concerns. He’ll need to be firmly in your corner, and you two may go through a period of time where you will need to rely heavily on each other. You may need some practiced scripts for shutting down judgmental talk, or some careful negotiation of how much information gets shared with certain people. But if this is something you both want to do, and the only obstacle is “but what will other people think,” my advice would be to go for it, and let the people who disapprove have their feelings. There will always be people who think you’re wrong - whether it’s what you name your kids, where you get your dog from, how you eat, etc. - but you’re living for you, not them.

I really want to be in a specific type of triad, and it's all I can think about

I really wanna be in a triad relationship with two boys (I’m a girl), but I've never met anyone who is down with that and it's all I really think about and I really want this?

It’s totally fine to have desires and fantasies and dreams - most people have at least a few. We dream about our careers, our future family, our romantic prospects, the dog we’d like to adopt someday, and everything in between.

It’s good to know what you want, because that helps you build a life that brings you joy and fulfillment. No matter what type of relationship you want, it will take time, patience, effort, and a little bit of luck to find. There’s even an entire genre of movie about how straight, monogamous people struggle to find the partner of their dreams!

It’s important to remember, though, that ultimately, we date people, not relationships. Pursuing a specific relationship style rather than seeking intimacy with individuals is an easy mistake to make but it will lead you down some rough roads. Seeing a relationship as a “goal” to “achieve” will also cause you tons of anguish, so be careful with that.

Work on yourself, find ways to meet polyamorous people organically (dating sites, meetups, the local scene), and try to be patient. It’s definitely good to know your “best case scenario” so you have that as a guide, but don’t get too wrapped up in a fantasy. Inevitably, reality won’t end up looking like your expectations, and it’s better to live in the present than the future.

If you find that these thoughts are so intrusive or obsessive that it’s impacting your happiness or ability to focus on other things in your life, consider working with a therapist who specializes in that.

I'm trans, and my metamour has my deadname

I'm trans and my partner recently started dating someone who happens to have my dead name. While I think she is a lovely person, I get uncomfortable talking about her because of this. Any advice on how to deal with this issue?

I am sorry that you are in a situation where you have to frequently face hearing and saying your deadname. Try to take some comfort in the fact that it’s now being used to refer to someone else rather than you.

Dealing with deadnames can be tricky and painful, but you are going to encounter people throughout your life who have your deadname. I’ve seen one tumblr post suggesting that people try naming a buddy pokemon or other virtual pet that name, so they get used to seeing the name in a friendlier context. Granted, a new metamour is a much higher stakes situation than a pokemon friend, but you could try framing it as a way to “hand-off” or “launder” your associations with that name. Saying that name is going to be uncomfortable for a while, but if you get used to referring to her with that name, and not yourself, that will be a nice shift to make.

If you think it’s not possible or too painful for you to try and engage with that name right now at all, you could also ask her if it would be okay for you to use a nickname for her. But that is a delaying tactic, not a solution - you’ll have to deal with the existence of that name at some point. I think the sting will lessen through repetition and a changing of associations. In the meantime, though, while you’re working on making that shift, make sure to tend to your discomfort. Take care of yourself, find ways to validate and affirm your identity, and be patient with yourself.

What if I just don't like my partner's new partner?

What is the etiquette when you don't like your long-term partner's new partner? My girlfriend just got a new girlfriend and she's not a bad person or anything, just not the kind of person I get on with. Should I talk to my girlfriend about it and potentially stress her out a lot, or just leave it?

It’s totally fine to just not click, personally, with a metamour. The etiquette is about the same as when you dislike someone you work with, or someone a family member is dating - be as civil and polite as possible, don’t create unnecessary gossip or drama, and don’t overextend your capabilities.

Politely decline invitations to hang out solo with her, find ways to occupy yourself when she’s around, and don’t try to force yourself to like her. Be careful about ‘stewing’ on things about her you don’t like, and try to remain as neutral as possible. Not everyone in the world is going to be someone you get along with well, and that’s totally fine!

I don’t think you ought to tell your girlfriend you flat out don’t like her new partner, but be gently honest about it when it comes up. If she invites you on a three day camping trip with her and Baldurina, you might say “I think that would be a lot of time for me to spend with her - but you two should go and have a good time!”

Polyamory Advice is back!

Hi friends! I apologize for the long and unannounced hiatus - I had a whole pile of things happen in my personal life. But I am okay, and this blog will resume with the new year! Daily posts at 9am PST, just like the good old days. Huge thanks to everyone who sent notes of concern and everyone who stuck around during the quiet time.

Is it normal for me to be dating two people who aren't dating each other?

Is it a "normal poly thing" for me as a female to have a gf and a bf but the two of them don't have a relationship? What are some tips to making this work and comfortable for everyone?

Yes, that is called “V-shaped” polyamory and is one of the more common polyamorous arrangements. It’s actually pretty rare for there to be three or more people where all parties are dating. Even though media depictions, news stories, fanfiction, etc. tend to focus on triads or polycules where everyone is in a relationship with everyone, that’s not as common.

Tips for making it work are going to be the same as in all other healthy polyamorous relationships. Open, honest communication. Everyone taking responsibility for identifying and articulating their own needs and feelings. Since this is a very common polyamorous relationship configuration, most of the advice you’ll find in my FAQ resources will be helpful.

Also, the idea of a “normal poly thing” is useless. Even if you three were the only people in the world doing this, that wouldn’t really matter. And plenty of things that are “normal” or common in polyamorous relationships are not healthy and happy. Normalcy is not a measure of anything meaningful. You don’t need to find out if something is “normal” before trying it out. If it’s healthy and happy for you, it’s fine.

Your girlfriend and boyfriend are what’s called “metamours,” linked not by their own relationship but because they’re dating the same person. It’s wise not to complain to one of your partners about the other one, or involve them in relationship issues. If you want to introduce them, keep things low-key and low-pressure. Let their relationship be what it’s going to be, don’t try to push for more intimacy than is naturally present. I wrote about introducing metamours to each other here.

If I'm capable of being in polyamorous relationships but don't want to, am I polyam?

Is it possible to stop being polyamorous? I haven't had good luck with dating other women, I'm married and the past 2 gf's I've had turned out to get feelings for my husband and basically toss me aside. There was also cheating, lies, and I honestly don't want to go through that again. I still feel capable of loving another person but if I never date another and stay mono to my husband am I still poly? I'm just confused and not sure if I ever want to risk getting hurt again.

If you don’t want to date other people right now, or ever, that’s totally fine. If you feel that means you’re no longer polyamorous, that’s fine. If you feel that you’re still polyamorous but choosing not to practice polyamory or don’t feel like acting on those feelings, that’s fine!

If a straight woman has a series of bad experiences dating men and decides to take an indefinite break from romantic relationships and be happily single, she can still identify as straight - she’s just choosing not to date men. She doesn’t have to, though - she could conclude that, although she’s capable of sexual-romantic attraction to men, her lack of desire for such a relationship makes that identification no longer useful or applicable or relevant.

You should do what’s best for you. You can be a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship. You can be someone capable of loving multiple people who does not indulge, act on, or pay much attention to that capacity. You can be a person who had active polyamorous desires and no longer does, for whatever reason.

Or, you can be a person who doesn’t identify as polyamorous or monogamous - you’re married, your relationship with your husband is what it is and it’s working, and so it’s not super necessary or useful to come down on a relationship orientation. Identity labels are there to serve us, not the other way around - if you’ve already found what works and you know what you want and how to get it, then labels are entirely secondary.