I’m polyamorous and my husband is not. However he is fine with me dating. Of course he set rules and such. And they are very reasonable. But I’m scared of what might happen if I date someone. I’m mostly scared of what our families will say or how they’ll act. Because a few of them who know have already made it quite clear they’re against it. Even my mom told me not to be stupid. I feel scared to even try. Is this normal? And is there a safe way to handle this?
The people whose opinions matter when it comes to your relationship are yours and your husband’s (and whoever else you end up dating). Period. Ultimately, if it works for you and your husband, that’s what matters. If other people disapprove of your choices, that can be frustrating and alienating and painful, but if it’s the right choice for you, you’ve gotta find a way to ignore them.
There are some cases where your safety or livelihood could be threatened by making other people upset with your choices. For instance, if you rely financially on family members for food or shelter or other necessities, it may be smarter to keep your head down until you are more independent. If you have a career that could be significantly damaged by vengeful family members spreading sexualized rumors, consider how you need to protect yourself.
Now, you can make the personal decision that maintaining closeness with your family or avoiding their disapproval is more important to you than pursuing a polyamorous relationship. That’s a perfectly legitimate choice to make! Some things just aren’t worth it, and everyone has to make a different calculation. But remember that other people’s negative opinions can’t actually harm you (only their actions can), and being in conflict with people you care about is not actually unsafe. You can decide that all the painful feelings associated with that wouldn’t be worth it, but be very clear with yourself about what the real risks are and where your feelings of fear are coming from. There’s a big difference between being afraid that your physical safety or livelihood would be at risk, versus being afraid that you’ll lose your family’s emotional support or have to endure unpleasant interpersonal interactions.
If you decide to go through with it, talk with your husband about these concerns. He’ll need to be firmly in your corner, and you two may go through a period of time where you will need to rely heavily on each other. You may need some practiced scripts for shutting down judgmental talk, or some careful negotiation of how much information gets shared with certain people. But if this is something you both want to do, and the only obstacle is “but what will other people think,” my advice would be to go for it, and let the people who disapprove have their feelings. There will always be people who think you’re wrong - whether it’s what you name your kids, where you get your dog from, how you eat, etc. - but you’re living for you, not them.