So I have 2 partners, one romantic who I'm madly in love, and the other sexual with whom I practice BDSM. So this guy has a lot, and I mean a lot, of other partners, but I'm the only one who gives him the sex he loves (and that I love). We have been on and off for a couple of months and he is the one that always comes back crawling, which makes me think I'm important in his life and not just another girl. At least I thought so, but for the past week we have been fighting a lot, he has been really rough on me, and is speaking about the others. I'm starting to feel just like any other girl, like I'm not special at all. I really don't know what to do. I really like what we have and i know it will always be sex, but I would like to have a special spot. I don't know how to tell him this, I don't want to push him or to make him think I want something more. But I love feeling important for someone.
Letter writer, I am going to be a bit less gentle with you than I usually am, not because you deserve it, but because I myself recently got untangled from a very similar situation - down to some specific details, it's almost creepy - and I now have zero patience for guys like that and the weird lose-lose knots they tangle their partners up in.
You want something this guy cannot and will not give you. He will not prioritize you or give you a special spot in his life. You need to walk away from this and seek something that will be healthier and happier for you in the long run.
You're caught in a trap of his that I know very well: this feeling that "I'd like to get more of this guy's time/affection/attention, but if I ask for more, I will actually get less - because he will pull away, deny me, or see me as 'clingy.' So my choices are to get some of what I want, or none of what I want. It therefore makes sense to settle for some rather than throwing out the some and taking none because I want more."
That is sound logic if we're talking about, say, cupcakes. If someone hands you a mini cupcake and you say "no! I wanted a bigger cupcake!" and throw it away, then you've just made your problem - not enough cupcake - worse. But this guy isn't a mini cupcake. He's a guy who is treating you in a way that makes you feel bad. You don't deserve that. You deserve more.
You say you "don't want to make him think you want more," but you do want more. You're tiptoeing around his feelings because he has you convinced that if you ask anything, if you have any needs, if you express desire for anything beyond exactly what he's willing to give, he'll spook. That's a crappy place to be in. Don't let him keep you there. Set your standards higher. You're allowed to ask things of your partners.
Trust me. As great as that sex is, it's not worth it. All the fun that this guy provides, you're telling yourself it's worth the frustration and the disappointment and the fighting and the breaking up and all that. It is not. Make yourself a Fetlife account, spend some time describing what you're into, check out local BDSM scene events, find some local "personal ads" groups on Fetlife, and you'll find someone who can light your fire without burning you out.