My partner needs to move his schedule around, which makes it nearly impossible for me to see him

I've been a part of a poly relationship for about a year now, we are all busy people and so we made a rough schedule for spending time together. Torvald and I always hang out on Wednesdays as it's the only day that consistently works for both of us. He works late Monday, plays games with his friends and primary (we'll call her Jespor) on Tuesday. I spend time with my primary (unrelated to Torvald or Jespor) on Thursday, and Sunday. He spends Thursday and Friday with Jespor. And we all three spend time together Saturday. But today he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out on Wednesdays anymore because he wants to watch a TV show the night it airs for the foreseeable future (with Jespor). I feel very hurt by this. I understand I'm not as important as she is and I probably don't have any right to be upset, but I feel like I'm being shoved aside for something that could easily be done the next day. He said I might be able to come over for a little bit after the show gets over, but that would be fairly late and I work early and it makes me feel like a booty call. I don't know how to communicate this to him without coming across as controlling or needy. Plus I feel like making a big deal out of this will make spending time with me feel like a chore. These are my best friends and I don't want things to turn out badly.

This is likely a case of the “message sent” being different from the “message received.” The only thing he told you is that he can’t hold Wednesday nights as your hang out time any longer, but you received a lot of messages about your importance to him and how much he values your time together.

Which is understandable - I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel hurt! Just that it’s important to engage with the things he’s actually saying and doing.

There are plenty of ways to bring this up with Torvald without being “controlling” or “needy.” Let him know that you really value your one-on-one time with him, and since it’s not going to work out on Wednesdays anymore, see if he can work with you to come up with a solution. It’s really great to have standing weekly dates with important people, but life changes and schedules do shift. Is it possible for you to hang out with him on Thursdays and shift date nights with your primary to Wednesdays? Or, since he’s adding another day with Jespor, could Fridays become your night?

It’s OK to ask other people in your life, including your other partners, to make adjustments. Adult life and real world relationships often require this sort of flexibility. Holding a night of the week for someone’s schedule is not a lifelong commitment and everyone involved is entitled to make changes. Someday someone else will really want to take a class that only meets on Tuesday evenings, or get a promotion that requires them to work late on Thursdays. Managing this with grace and without taking things personally will be important.

It’s also completely fine to talk to Torvald about how this makes you feel less important and pushed aside - without accusing him of actually devaluing you or pushing you aside - and let him know what would help you feel more secure and cherished in the relationship. If you can’t spend quality time together in the evenings, what kind of connection is important to maintain? Is there a way to make hanging out later in the evenings not feel like a “booty call?”

You say that you’re afraid that bringing this up will make you “seem” a certain way or that it will “make” Torvald feel a certain way. Remember that you are not psychic! If Torvald is someone who is dating you, it’s likely that he enjoys spending time with you, he doesn’t resent you for desiring his attention and affection, and that he wants you to be honest with him about your desires and feelings. If he acts in a way that demonstrates anything else, don’t date this person. Partners should always welcome this kind of honesty, and anyone who punishes you for it is not someone you ought to be dating.

You’re also well within your rights to ask him if he would be willing to wait 24 hours and watch the show with her on Thursdays. Again, he might not realize how important this is for you, or he might not have communicated something important about the fandom experience he wants to have. But none of that can happen without a conversation! Don’t frame it as a “confrontation” or a “demand,” just an open dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Let him respond in his own way - either by collaborating with you to find a compromise that works for everyone, or by demonstrating that he’s not willing to do that and thus not someone worth dating.

I live with my partner and his wife, but it's not working out

I'm lost in my connections atm. My current partner and I have a nesting relationship with his wife and two kids. This situation has lasted for over 2 years. I have two ldr partners as well. My nesting situation has been filled with empty promises, lack of commitment, and metamour jealousy. My nesting partner tells me I'm the only reason he has pulled through the last two years, but I feel like I'm slowly trapping myself and I don't know if it's just anxiety. The kids see me as a second mom and I'm the main pet provider too. An ldr has wanted me to move in for over a year and I feel like the kids, pets, and my job are the only reason I haven't. Am I wrong for feeling lost and kind of tired living this way? I don't want to lose my nesting but I feel like we shouldn't be nesting partners anymore.

You are absolutely not wrong for feeling lost and tired! Think about this like a big information gathering experience. You moved in with your current partner, his wife, and their two kids. You learned that you are great with the kids and the pets, and that there are things you like about this nesting situation.

But you also learned that there are things that don’t work for you, and that a relationship with your partner and/or his wife will include broken promises and jealousy and other things that you do not want in your relationship.

It is now okay to act on that information! You are not obligated to stay in a situation even if parts of it are working, or if other people are relying on you. The fact that you like some parts of the arrangement doesn’t mean you need to put up with the rest. Leaving will be hard and painful, but something being difficult doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do.

Take the next step in your information gathering journey (because that’s all life really is). Allow yourself to collect data on how your relationship will change when you leave the nesting situation and how you like living with someone else in a different arrangement. Then, continue to act on the best and most recent information you have. That’s all any of us can reasonably be expected to do!

I like a guy, but he's in a polyamorous relationship and I don't want that

Me and this guy like each other but he is also in a poly relationship. I want to date him but i don't want to have to "share" him if that makes sense. We really like each other though. How do I tell him I don't want to date him if he is also dating other people?

You can just tell him that: “I really like you, and I would like to date you monogamously, but I don’t want to date you if you are also dating other people.”

Then, he can do what he likes with that information. He may say “then we aren’t compatible - bummer!” or he may say “then I’ll leave my relationship for you!” Either way, you’ll have your answer.

People say this to me all the time - it’s a pretty common situation. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to leave his polyamorous relationship for you, and that’s his decision to make. It’ll sting, but you’ll live - nearly everyone has been through the pain of liking someone who can’t or won’t date them for any number of reasons.

Best of luck finding someone who wants a monogamous relationship with you, whether it’s this guy or someone else!

How do I help my wife pick someone up?

How do I be a wingman for my wife she wants a girl friend for her birthday party so we can have some fun at night

As a general rule, women are people, not party favors you can rent like balloons for a special event. Treating people like that is not typically a good way to get them to have sex with you.

However, if you live somewhere where you can safely and ethically find a sex worker who can fulfill your fantasies for a fair rate, that’s probably your best bet for a birthday treat.

You can also try online postings in places where people explicitly post looking for sexual encounters. You can also try visiting a bar or club in your area known to be a place where people go to connect for casual sex. Whatever you do, don’t be predatory or pushy and be open and honest about what you’re looking for.

See my FAQ page on this for more advice.

p.s. folks wishing to critique me for supporting sex work can reach me at ThanksForYourOpinion@SexWorkIsWork.bye

I want to live in partnership with another couple, but my husband is unsure

My partner and i recently got married. We're really happy, but for the past half year I've caught feelings for two other friends. My husband feels the same way and these two friends are already in a relationship and poly. My husband has feelings but more platonic than my romantic feelings and doesn’t really wanna pursue anything. Every time i try to have a discussion about it he gets overwhelmed or jealous. But its like I just want them in queer platonic polycule?

I don't want to have sex or even kiss them but I want to go on dates and hold hands and live together and raise kids with them. My partner feels exactly the same way but he is still super hesitant. He was this hesitant when we started dating so idk what to do about my feelings. Am I a bad person for wanting to pursue this even though my spouse is lowkey jealous? And am I a bad spouse for even wanting another relationship while being just recently married? I don't want to weird my friends out but I don't like to just not tell people how I feel about them. It feels wrong somehow. And on another note, sorry for all the questions, if my partner and I did decide to pursue this kind of relationship, how do I even go about it?

The good news is that the arrangement you’re describing is as old as humanity itself, and in fact how most families have been raised over the course of history. The “nuclear family,” where only two adults live in a detached home and are expected to meet all of each other’s financial, developmental, emotional, physical, culinary, etc. needs - as well as those of any children - is a very recent concept.

You may be well served by letting go of the concept of a “queer platonic polycule” and exploring language for what you really want that doesn’t signify a necessary departure from the monogamous marriage your husband feels committed to protect. What you’ve described may be well represented by other concepts, including family friends, kinship networks, close neighbors, chosen family, or non-blood cousins. Raising kids together, spending quality time together, supporting each other, and “doing life together” might be less threatening ways to talk about this, at least for your husband.

Talk with your husband about what he wants, and what he does not want. Be specific, using examples and real-world concepts rather than conceptual terms. What is his best case scenario, and what is his worst case scenario? What is he afraid of happening? Can he describe where his jealousy is coming from? What do you mean by “go on dates?” What kind of quality time spent with these other people would feel like “too much” or “jealousy-inducing” for him?

Talk through actual situations. Would you two want to plan joint vacations with this couple? How would you handle things like joint finances or individual healthcare costs? What does “raise kids together” mean for you? Are there any examples from books, movies, or your own lives that you can draw inspiration from? Do you know any neighbors, extended families, religious congregations, or other people who can help serve as a model for this kind of life?

Once you’ve figured out what you actually want, you can bring that up with the other couple. Instead of asking “do you want to form a queer platonic polycule,” ask them “what are your thoughts on co-living with us?” or “would you like to go camping with us next weekend?” Worry less about what words to put on things, and focus on how you want to be in relationship. In some cases, you might not need to have a Big Serious Relationship Defining Conversation, and can instead simply start intentionally living into the type of connection you want.

Finally, you ask whether you are a bad person for having these feelings and desires, and my answer to that question is a resounding: absolutely not! Our thoughts, feelings, and desires are entirely our own business and don’t have the power to make us a good or bad person. It’s how you act on them that matters. If you’re pressuring your husband into doing something that he doesn’t want, or you’re acting manipulative or otherwise disregarding his boundaries, then those are not great things to do, but I’d still caution you against equating “did an unhealthy or unhelpful thing” and “is a bad person.” You are you, and you contain multitudes, and you’ve hurt people and you’ve helped people, and you’re just a person. Try to let go of this notion that anything you think or do can make you “a bad person.”

Completely unrelated: One of my Buzzfeed quizzes made it to the front page, which makes it the best contender for Maybe Actually Making Me Some Money. If you like this blog and enjoy my advice, would you be so kind as to click this link or even share it around to help it gain some momentum? <3

I have a crush on my polyam friends, but don't know where to go from here

I'm poly and have gone on dates here and there but never actually been in a committed polycule. To be honest I'm not looking for anything very serious, but recently I've found I have two friends who are together and poly that I've been light heartedly flirting with. I didn't want to take the first step in asking them if they wanted to have some fun and go on a couple of dates because I wasn't sure if they were looking for something casual or more serious, but then they talked to me about what I was looking for and I was honest with them. This may sound silly but I don't know where to go from here! I like them both a lot and hanging with them as a group and one on one, but I'm unsure where to go from here now that we've established interest. I know I should just talk to them, but I want to go to them with some idea of what I concretely want moving forward and honestly I keep falling short. All I can think of is just "spend time with them and have sex together or one on one" but I don't know that that's enough.

My friend, I think you are overthinking this! If you like hanging out with them, and they like hanging out with you, keep doing that. If they asked you how you felt and you told them, and they were open and receptive, let things keep going in that direction!

You are correct that you “should just talk to them,” but you are being way too hard on yourself by concluding that what you have to say is not “enough.” You know what you want - to spend time together, and to be open to sexual or romantic connection - and that is an entirely normal and healthy and common way for people to be together!

Try saying something like this:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you two, together and one on one. I know that you two are polyam, and I am thinking that I’d be interested in exploring that with you. I like our friendly connection and can see that moving in a romantic direction. I am also sexually attracted to both of you and would be interested in cuddles, kisses, and sex.

At the same time, I am feeling unsure about what I want to call this, or whether I can articulate exactly what kind of relationship blueprint I am hoping for. Are you okay with taking things slow and just letting them evolve organically the way they already have been between us?”

What you’ve described here sounds pretty healthy and fun, and is in fact how most relationships, polyam or mono, tend to evolve and grow. Follow what feels good and try to relax about the specifics.

How can I be "out" as polyamorous at work?

Do you have any advice on how to be "out" as poly at work? I really don't want to have to hide the existence of either of my partners.

If your question is about how to be out safely, like how to make it so you don’t “have to hide” either of your partners, that’s a sticky one. It will really depend on your workplace and the cultural attitudes of your coworkers and management. Try talking to your HR department, if you have one, about what protections exist and what the current policies are. If you need more specific advice about this, send me a follow up with more details!

If your question is more about how to share your polyamory at work, that’s a bit easier. You can do the traditional “coming out” thing where you tell coworkers you like and trust that you are polyamorous, and offer to answer questions they may have.

In casual conversation, you can say things like “one of my partners” or make it a point to mention “my partner, Claudella, and my other partner, Gurt” in the same sentence or story. You can have photos of them on your desk or wear polyam-pride things at work, and be prepared to cheerfully and shamelessly answer questions when people ask about them. You can have both your partners visit you at work, pick you up, attend work functions, etc.

Remember also that simply not bringing something up doesn’t necessarily mean that you are “hiding” it. When I worked in an office, most of my coworkers didn’t know about my hatred of tomatoes or my enamel pin collection. I wasn’t “hiding” them, but they just didn’t come up. I’m sure your coworkers have aspects of their personal lives you don’t know much about, and that’s okay! There is a big, fully inhabitable space between “hiding/closeted” and “Very Very Out” at work. Find the place on that spectrum that works for you!

I worry that my partners don't actually like me, but won't tell me the truth

I feel like one of my partners (F) hates me or otherwise is uncomfy with me, as she usually wants to do things with the other (M) more than me, they dm all the time (I don't dm either because I want to be initiated first), he buys her stuff, and in general whenever I want to try to do something with her it feels like she's uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed because obviously neither of them would tell the truth if I was making them uncomfy, to not be rude I suppose.

You should not be dating someone if you don’t trust them to be honest with you. Full stop. To have the role of “partner” in your life, a person MUST be someone who is safe to share your feelings and needs with.

Refusing to DM someone because you want them to initiate conversation is insecure behavior. I used to be like this - I worried that I was “bothering” people if I messaged them first. But living life this way made me miserable. If I wanted someone’s attention, I would just wallow in insecurity and loneliness while waiting for them to message me. I put all this psychological and emotional significance on their messages, and it just was a whole lot of unnecessary angst and pressure. 

It’s not worth it, living like that. If someone is worth bringing into your life, they ought to be someone who it feels safe and easy to DM. Right now, it sounds like you do not trust these people to be honest with you and say “hey, I can’t actually talk right now.” You distrust their expressed affection and attention so much that you’ve established this secret test, telling yourself it only “counts” if they initiate it. You have to let that go. You have to be willing and able to demand that your relationships are safe and honest. 

I harp on this small detail in your letter because it’s really a big neon arrow pointing to the major issue here. You say “obviously neither of them would tell the truth” - that’s NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship. This core assumption needs to be addressed. 

There are two possibilities here. One is that you are simply assuming that these people won’t be honest with you, and so you’re robbing them of an opportunity to be honest with you. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what makes you say this? What evidence have you observed that makes it “obvious” that they won’t tell the truth? Do these people have a history of being dishonest with you, of refusing to answer questions honestly, or of saying one thing while acting in a different way?

If you don’t actually have any clear evidence to base this off, it might be your own fear getting in the way. Give them a chance to be honest! Bring up your fears and concerns, and see what they have to say! Things like:

“I worry sometimes about being the one to initiate a DM conversation. I feel like I’m bugging you and I can’t trust that your attention is genuine unless you initiate. Here are some things you can do to help me feel more safe and confident in reaching out to chat during the day. Are there things I can do better to respect your time or make DMing easier and more frequent?”

“Based on [things you’ve observed], I’ve started to worry that my company is not actually enjoyable for you, and I feel like you might not like me. I know we’re dating, and it’s confusing to think that someone who is dating me doesn’t like me - but here are some of my anxieties. Can we talk about this? How have you been feeling about dating me? Do you need anything from me?”

If the idea of having these frank, open conversations fills you with dread or fear, that’s a huge red flag that your relationship isn’t healthy. If these people have previously demonstrated to you that they can’t or won’t have these kinds of conversations honestly, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. 

If your anxieties are coming from “inside the house,” so to speak, then you ought to give them a chance to demonstrate to you whether they are actually safe and honest. They may be shocked and horrified to find out that you’ve been feeling this way and worrying about this - if you haven’t said anything, how could they know? If, after you share this information, they argue, ignore, or shame you - or if they reassure you and promise that everything is OK but then don’t actually make any changes - then that’s a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.

I'm in happy, established polyamorous relationships - so why do I feel like I want to date more people?

I'm madly in love with my partners, but sometimes I think I would like to see someone else as well, just casually. I don't have a ton of experience with poly outside of my little 'cule, so I was hoping for some guidance from someone with more experience: Do I really want a new partner? Or do I just want more from my current partners? I haven't been thinking about anyone in particular, I just feel like I want someone to flirt with and go on dates with. I do feel like I don't get a lot of that with my partners anymore. But I can't tell whether my interest in dating someone new springs solely from that or from just wanting someone new.

I’m not psychic, so I can’t tell you for sure what you “really want,” but I can tell you that NRE is a hell of a drug, and it’s very common to crave a new hit after a while without it. The early stages of a relationship, with all the flirting and the excitement, are fun!

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your established relationships while also realizing that you are also in the mood for the experiences that come with pursuing something new or more casual. When I get that itch, I usually spend some time bonking around on various dating platforms and have a few flings. Sometimes those flings turn into long-term relationships, sometimes they don’t.

(Always ethically pursue flings - if you know you want something that’s low-commitment and mostly for fun, be up front about that! It’s not usually too hard to find someone interested in the same. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some flirting that isn’t expected to turn into a partnership.)

Of course, it’s also okay to decide that you don’t want to actually pursue a new fling, but that these feelings are alerting you to some unaddressed issues in your existing relationships. Talk to your partners about wanting to pump up the romance, and see if you can’t get creative with some date nights, spiced-up sexual play, or new ways to flirt.

These days, a lot of people are finding outlets in online chats. I actually set my OKCupid range to “anywhere” and messaged people I had a 99% match with, and have made some fun new friends. Consider asking one of your existing partners if they want to swap some steamy stories, and/or poking around the corners of the internet where people who share your interests are hanging out!

My first experience with "polyamory" was very negative

My first experience in poly was forced. I wanted to try to see what it was like and he scheduled a date without telling me, then forced me to deal with it after I had cried to him for four days saying I needed him that night and he went and had sex without a condom without talking to me about that. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset about it 5 months later?

If by “normal” you mean “within the bounds of decent and appropriate behavior,” no, what this person did was not normal at all. This is not how polyamory is meant to be practiced, and this is not a healthy introduction to polyamory.

If by “normal” you mean “common,” then yes, unfortunately, people being scumbags and trying to excuse their unacceptable behavior by calling it “polyamory” happens far more often than it should.

No one should ever put you in a situation where you feel “forced.” That is completely not okay, especially in the context of relationships, intimacy, or sexuality. What this guy did was absolutely atrocious and you have every right to feel upset.

You don’t say whether you are still involved with this guy. If you are, please sever those ties immediately. If he is the one making you feel like your emotions are “not normal,” please feel free to ignore his perspective.

If you feel like polyamory is not something you want to try engaging with again because your first experience with what-this-guy-said-was-poly was so terrible, that is completely fine. You don’t owe it to anyone - not this guy, not yourself, not the nebulous polyamorous community - to ‘get over’ this or to adjust your emotions based on what someone else thinks is “normal.”

Since you use the word “forced” twice in your message, and since you’re talking about issues around intimacy and sexuality, and since you’re concerned about how upset you feel in the wake of this experience, I’d strongly recommend talking to a therapist about this. You experienced a violation and you deserve help to work through how you’re feeling.

I want my wife to see other men, but she doesn't want to

I want my wife to date other men. I talked her into having sex with other men before and it was great but now she is hesitant.

Usually, if someone has to be “talked into” doing something, it means they don’t really want to do it. Sometimes, they may discover that they like it, and they may be glad for the push. But most of the time, that’s not the case. And clearly it was not “great,” since she doesn’t want to do it again.

Your wife did everything she could be expected to in this situation. You wanted to try something new sexually, and it sounds like she was willing to try it out, even though it wasn’t something she was personally excited about. Now that she’s tried it out, she’s learned that it isn’t something she enjoys.

That’s it, that’s all the information you need. Stop pressuring your partner to do something that they don’t want to do. If she needed to be “talked into it,” and now she’s “hesitant,” you have plenty of information. Listen to what your wife is telling you, which is “no.”

If this is something you can’t live without in a relationship, you need to make some serious choices about continuing the marriage. But if you want to stay married to your wife, you need to drop this. She tried it, it didn’t work, so stop trying to force the issue.

Think about what gets you off about your wife having sex with other men, and whether there is a compromise that can be found. Maybe watching porn or fantasizing together could scratch that itch. But please wait a while before even bringing up an attempted compromise, and if she says no, you need to take no for an answer and not wheedle or whine or try to “talk her into it.”

My wife faced discrimination over being polyamorous, which is making her reconsider trying it

Me and my wife went poly about 2 months ago, everything was fine until just recently someone reported her for harassment at her work for being poly all because this person doesn't like how friendly she is with other people and thinking she just wants to screw them since she’s poly. Now she doesn't want to due to this. So first of all is that discrimination and can we fight it or like what? Second I still want to be poly but I don't know how to explain it to her and whatnot.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. For starters, the harassment report at work. Polyamory is not a protected class, so this would not be discrimination in a legally actionable sense. If it is true that this person simply reported her for “being poly,” then your wife probably has nothing to worry about besides some annoying conversations with HR. However, if her company culture is very conservative, she may be up against more challenges.

It’s important to remember that most people think “polyamory” is a sexual behavior, not an identity or relationship style. So they can feel uncomfortable or harassed by hearing a coworker talk about it. If someone at work asked me what I did over the weekend, and I said “I went to a BDSM party and got spanked,” or “I hd great sex with my girlfriend and came three times,” that would be wildly inappropriate for work and my coworkers would be justified in feeling uncomfortable. But if I said “I went on a date with my boyfriend” or “I saw a movie with my partner,” that would be fine.

The sticky part comes when you say “I went on a date with both of my boyfriends.” We as polyamorous people understand that this is just as reasonable to say and is not a violation of anyone’s decency. But some people do perceive that as an over-sharing of private, sexual information. And sometimes that battle is worth fighting, and other times, when someone’s livelihood is at stake, it might not be worth it to try and educate a bunch of people at your job. So your wife needs to figure out how much she is willing to risk to be “out” at work.

However, if this is about behavior on your wife’s part that someone perceived as harassing, that’s different than being reported simply for “being poly.” If the way that she is friendly with people at work is inappropriate or makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not relevant to her polyamory - though her behavior could be seen through a more sexualized lens if she is also talking about her polyamory. In that case, she should stop behaving that way at work and follow whatever procedures her workplace has to resolve the issue. If this is instead some social drama more related to someone’s petty jealousy over other people’s workplace friendships and someone just trying to use details of her personal life to cause problems for her, hopefully her HR department will see through that and let the matter drop.

So my advice for her on that count is to be professional and responsible and listen carefully to what she needs to do about this report. It could amount to nothing but a disgruntled coworker complaining about something dumb, or on the other extreme end, she could lose her job. Since polyamory is not a protected class, that would be legal. You could find a lawyer and try to fight it, but you’d need to decide whether an expensive and drawn out court battle over a very new-to-the-legal-system concept is worth it. She could also decide to be less “out” at work, or look for another job where she is more comfortable and accepted.

As for her not wanting to try out polyamory with you, it seems like there’s more to the situation than that. If it’s what you two have decided is right for you and your relationship at this time, some aggravation from her coworkers shouldn’t be able to fully re-balance those scales. But if she’s feeling freaked out about facing social censure, that’s understandable. If she’s realizing that she isn’t committed or invested enough in polyamory to make the sacrifices it can require, that’s good information to have.

It’s less about “how to explain it to her” and more about having an open conversation. What is she concerned about? What was she hoping for when you two “went poly,” and what is making her want to reconsider? How can you support her through the stress of the workplace report? Where might you two find community outside of her friends at work? Would she be happy trying polyamory while having to stay closeted about it in some areas of her life? Take it all in and treat it as information that can help you two make an informed choice about how to move forward.

Someone well respected in my community said nasty things about my preferred poly practice

Someone who’s a “sage” in the community basically called polyfidelity monogamy with bonus people and that polyfidelity is basically just a relationship of insecurity. I feel personally offended by this notion as I’ve had partners with other partners not dating me. I never once self jealous or unhappy, but my preference at its roots is fidelity. The whole conversation made me feel really bad and invalid, unaccepted and lesser. Advice?

I am sorry that someone who is respected in your community made you feel that way. That always sucks, and it can be so alienating.

However, it sounds like you know pretty solidly that what that person said is straight up not true. You know that you have a preference and you know that it is not rooted in jealousy or insecurity. Nothing this person says can change that or take that away from you.

People are often out in the world being wrong. Sometimes they are even wrong about us, personally. And that can be maddening, but a big part of finding some kind of peace in this bonkers world is learning to let some people just be over there being wrong.

Becoming a “sage” in a community doesn’t make someone an infallible expert on all things. If this was a one time thing, resolve to skip all their workshops and panels from now on, and surround yourself with people who respect you and your relationships.

If you are seeing ripple effect ramifications from this person’s influence, start speaking up within the community. No one person gets to determine the truth for an entire group of people. (That way lies cults.) You may find lots of allies who were also uncomfortable with that idea being spread around.

Sometimes, it can be freeing and empowering to realize that we’ve outgrown our heroes. You’re confident enough in your own experiences that you don’t need to look to these “sages” to define things for you, and you are knowledgable enough to recognize when they are wrong.

Take some time to care for yourself, because it can really hurt when someone whose voice we value says something that is alienating, hurtful, or false. But focus on the fact that you know they were wrong.

My long distance partner had a baby and now he has no time for me

I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a poly man. He and his partner just had a child, we both work busy hours. When I made the trip a few months ago to see him for the first time after becoming "official," it was an absolute let down - due to some admittedly poor planning, there wasn't time for us to actually be together. When I spoke to him about it later and I said that I felt lonely in the relationship and like the only one making an effort, he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm sorry how the trip went, and I'll do my best but I can't promise anything. I’m not going to be less busy for probably 18 years." This really hurt me but I tried be understanding.

While we still talk every week, I had to pull back a lot because I felt hurt. He didn't wish me a happy Valentine’s day, and when I sent him a picture of my makeup/clothes for the night, he responded in a lukewarm way, which really upset me. I feel like neither of us is making an effort right now, but his total lack of attention to me really hurts. I try to be understanding because of how busy he is with work, his partner, his children, etc., but none of this feels real and I feel so lonely – I feel truly “secondary.” Am I being selfish?

In one sense, yes, you’re being selfish, and by that I mean “focused on your own needs.” But I would argue that it’s totally okay to be selfish in this situation. It sounds like this relationship isn’t something that is making you happy and giving you the connection that you want.

To your credit, you pointed out what was bothering you. And to your partner’s credit, he was super honest in his response. He didn’t try to argue that things aren’t that bad and he pays you plenty of attention. He didn’t promise to be better about it going forward, to keep you on the hook. He was clear and realistic about what he can, and can’t, provide to you in terms of time and commitment.

Now you have information: that dating this guy makes you feel lonely and ignored. It’s time to act on this information. The guy might be great, but it sounds like this relationship just isn’t what you need right now. It’s totally fine to decide you don’t want to date a guy who is married, has a kid, lives far away from you, and can’t prioritize you in ways you want to be prioritized.

Someone didn't want to date me polyamorously - is that polyphobia?

Been dating someone 3 years, I’m poly he’s not. Was seeing someone else for the past 9 months who knew I was poly and with someone from the start. We had a really good thing going but after like 7 months I tried to DTR and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Cut to now, he told me he’s seeing someone else and cannot keep seeing me anymore. And then told me it was because I’m poly and he doesn’t know how our relationship would work since I'm already in a relationship. My question is, is that like polyphobia??? Is polyphobia even a thing? I’m also bisexual and have been told people won’t date me for that and this seems like the exact same thing. But two of my monogamous friends are like “yeah but I see where he’s coming from I wouldn’t wanna date someone who was sleeping with/dating someone else either” and I’m like “??? bc ur brainwashed into thinking monogamy is natural and normal?!” I’m so frustrated and heartbroken. I didn’t choose to be poly.

Polyphobia certainly exists, but it’s not the same as an individual person deciding they don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship. No one is obligated to date you, and if someone decides that they don’t want to date you, it doesn’t mean that you’re being oppressed or excluded or are the victim of a structural bias. It is fine for any individual person to choose not to be in a polyamorous relationship, even after trying it out for a bit. Not wanting to live in New York doesn’t make me city-phobic, not wanting to date a smoker doesn’t make me smoker-phobic. We’re all allowed our personal preferences.

Polyphobia looks like a multiparent family being turned down for adoption or a foster care placement. It looks like a system that only allows two partners to share marriage benefits. It looks like slut-shaming and cultural cruelty toward people who are in polyamorous relationships. The difference between someone not wanting to date a bisexual person and someone not wanting to date a person already in a polyamorous relationship is that your polyamory fundamentally changes the terms of the relationship he’d be in. It’s okay for him to decide he doesn’t want to date someone who’s also dating someone else. It’s not about who you are, it’s about what kind of relationship he wants to be in.

Whatever you believe about monogamy, it’s not cool to say that people with monogamous preferences or orientations are “brainwashed.” You yourself said that you “didn’t choose to be poly,” which indicates you subscribe to some flavor of the born-this-way narrative. That means you also need to make space for people who, either due to their choices or their innate characteristics, are monogamous.

It’s okay to be frustrated and heartbroken. Not getting to date someone who you really wanted to date, or having a relationship end that you were really enjoying - that’s painful! It sucks! But the fact that you are hurting doesn’t always mean you were wronged. It’s easy to direct anger toward the guy whose choices have hurt you, but he didn’t do anything wrong. He figured out what he wanted from a relationship and was clear with you about what he could and couldn’t continue to be in your life. Spend some quality time with your other partner, eat some comfort food, and grieve this instance of not getting what you want, without making anyone out to be the villain.

My husband thinks more discussion of polyamory will change my mind. I know it won't.

My husband has been asking about going poly for nearly a year. I don’t want to. I’ve made it clear, but he continuously frames it as, “ok, we’ll drop it for now and talk more in a month” or “you haven’t really considered it so it’s not fair to dismiss it out of hand”. He can be very insistent on things like once he has decided he wants it, and manipulative to craft situations to his liking. How long is reasonable before I draw a line in the sand and tell him he needs to pick? I’m not anti-poly; it’s fine for others but I am mono and have no interest in the drama of a mono-poly relationship. He just keeps says we can talk about boundaries and won’t accept that my boundary is a monogamous relationship.

I don’t think you should, or ought to, wait any longer before letting your husband know that you have absolutely made up your mind.

“I am not able or willing to try out an open or non-monogamous relationship. No amount of discussion or consideration or negotiation will change this for me. As many times as you ask, or as many ways as you ask, the answer will be no. I’m telling you this very clearly because I need you to start acting based on this information, and not any other assumptions or hopes you may have. If a polyamorous relationship is something you absolutely must have, know that you will not get this in our marriage, and you will need to leave the marriage to get that. If staying with me is your priority, know that you will need to drop this issue permanently in order for that to work.”

Then, stick to that party line. Tell him that you do not want to discuss it in a month and your answer will not change. Tell him that you have considered the issue enough for you to make your decision, and whether he thinks that’s ‘enough’ consideration is not relevant. Do not engage. And think about whether you want to stay married to someone you describe as “manipulative” and who “won’t accept” what you tell him. See this FAQ page for more resources.

I ended a bad relationship, but people are saying I shouldn't feel so hurt by his actions because we were polyamorous

I recently came out of a very toxic relationship. My ex partner gaslit me and is even still emotionally manipulative now we're broken up as we still live together. They also cheated on me. I forgave them at the time but it's still hurting me. Any time I try and bring it up my ex refuses to talk about it and people have said because we were poly, they couldn't have cheated. We had rules and my ex broke them. Is that cheating or am I going crazy?

Violating existing terms of a relationship counts as cheating. Period. Cheating does not mean “the specific act of sexual touching with a person who isn’t your partner,” it means “violating your partner’s trust by breaking a clearly established boundary within the relationship and lying about it.”

But also, it doesn’t really matter. The semantics of whether or not he “cheated” according to a certain person’s definition of “cheating” are irrelevant to the question of whether or not he was a terrible partner who you definitely should have broken up with. Which he clearly was. You were right to end the relationship. You are right to feel betrayed.

Anyone who tries to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel hurt, betrayed, or violated because you were polyamorous is being a huge jerk and fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of polyamory. Please stop going to those people for support and emotional validation, they are not capable of providing it. If you need to find a poly-positive place to vent or seek support, check the “Forums & Communities” section of this page.

If at all possible, please stop living with this guy immediately. Ask a friend if you can crash with them if you need to. And in the meantime, stop trying to “bring it up.” Your ex is not going to provide you an apology or say anything you will find healing, no matter how many times you ask. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says. What matters is that you were hurt and you deserve to not be hurt. It’s understandable that this is “still hurting.” The solution to that is to take care of yourself, eat some comfort foods, and find some actually supportive friends to lean on. Don’t look to him, or people who are wrapped up in his narrative, for any alleviation of that hurt.

My partner cheated on me, refuses to be honest, and makes threats of self harm

I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years. We had lots of ups and downs. Last year she met another girl at work, she seriously cheated on me but she's not telling me the full story and keeps saying that if she tells me, she will lose me. She also kept saying that she flirted and had a thing with her because we had problems and that she won’t survive if we break up. I can’t leave her. I'm afraid she will harm herself. We are still together. What should I do? The relationship is getting toxic!

You need to leave this relationship for your own health and happiness. Someone who cheats on you, refuses to tell you the truth, blames you for their cheating, uses threats of self harm to manipulate you into staying, and makes you feel that the relationship is “toxic” is not someone you should be dating. Period. Make a plan to leave the relationship as safely, cleanly, and quickly as possible.

Ultimately, you are not responsible for her actions. She is. If she makes the choice to harm herself, that’s on her, not you. The fact that you are concerned with her well being means you are a good, kind hearted person, and that’s normal. But don’t let that completely hijack your instincts and control everything you do. There is a wide space between “needlessly cruel” and “doormat,” and I invite you to step into that space as soon as possible.

Connect her with appropriate resources (a local crisis hotline would be a good one), and then disengage. If she is on good terms with her family, you can give them a heads up that she might need extra support. But don’t get caught up in being responsible for her, relaying messages, checking up on her, etc. Let her know you are no longer available, recommend that she reach out to family, other friends, or a crisis hotline, and then turn your phone off or otherwise do what you need to get some space. Consider also enlisting a friend of yours to help you maintain this boundary and give you a neutral, supportive space to land while you ride out this breakup.

One of my partners doesn't want to meet my other partner

I have a bf of 6 months and were great together. About 2 months ago I started dating my long term friend, who I also clicked with. Only problem is they don’t seem interested in meeting and I was hoping they would because I want all of us to get along. The new bf has expressed that he’d be ok with it, but the other bf isn't. They are both more experienced in poly. Is it normal for metas to meet each other? Or should I leave it alone and keep the relationships separate?

It’s okay for you to want all your partners to get along, but you’re not necessarily guaranteed or entitled to get everything you want. If your boyfriend isn’t comfortable meeting his metamour, he’s free to decline. The question of whether it’s ‘normal’ isn’t very relevant to an individual situation. It’s ‘normal’ for people to eat peanuts, but for some individuals, eating peanuts can kill them (or at the very least ruin their day)! Even if the vast majority of poly people do something a certain way, if your partner says that doesn’t work for him, he doesn’t have to do it.

Only you can decide whether this is a big enough deal to push the issue. You are right that it would probably be best to “leave it alone,” but you may find that to be too difficult for you. If you really don’t think you could be happy in a polyamorous relationship where your metamours didn’t want to meet, you can try talking to your partner and asking where his refusal is coming from and whether he’s able/willing to work on it or consider a compromise. If he’s not, you’ll need to decide whether that arrangement is sustainable for you.

My partner is abusive. Should I stay with him?

I’ve been with my partner for 4.5 years now, and we have lived together for the past 3 of those. About 1.5 years into our monogamous relationship, I engaged in a few cheating episodes before finally admitting to my partner what had happened. I wanted to be with him, but also couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to connect with others too. I shared that I would like to move forward as a polyamorous couple as I can’t see these particular desires of mine changing anytime soon.

Initially, he was distraught about the cheating, but wanted to stay with me to work through it all - expressing that he might be able to come around to being a Polyamorous couple in time. 3 years has passed since this initial first conversation, and our relationship has become incredibly toxic over time. He keeps shutting me down and saying he wants us to both be monogamous now.

This sense of resistance has turned him into a violent, reactive person over this past year especially. Recently we have had the most explosive, violent argument since we’ve been together. As a result I’ve moved back home to my parents house 1 hour away, to stay safe. I can’t be dishonest to him, or myself - I am Polyamorous in nature, at this point in my life, and I want to be able to live authentically.

Do I need to confront this abuse and work through it with him, or should I leave? Should I stay in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around to live polyamorously with me, or should I let him go for good, knowing that this situation is causing him way too much pain to go on?

Do not stay with this guy. Things like “working through abuse” and “staying in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around” are not smart or healthy, and they do not end well. Once someone has been so violent with you that you need to go somewhere else for your own safety, that relationship is over. It’s not just that the relationship is causing him too much pain, it’s “abusive” and “toxic” to you. Leave and stay gone. Check my resources here.