I recently came out of a very toxic relationship. My ex partner gaslit me and is even still emotionally manipulative now we're broken up as we still live together. They also cheated on me. I forgave them at the time but it's still hurting me. Any time I try and bring it up my ex refuses to talk about it and people have said because we were poly, they couldn't have cheated. We had rules and my ex broke them. Is that cheating or am I going crazy?
Violating existing terms of a relationship counts as cheating. Period. Cheating does not mean “the specific act of sexual touching with a person who isn’t your partner,” it means “violating your partner’s trust by breaking a clearly established boundary within the relationship and lying about it.”
But also, it doesn’t really matter. The semantics of whether or not he “cheated” according to a certain person’s definition of “cheating” are irrelevant to the question of whether or not he was a terrible partner who you definitely should have broken up with. Which he clearly was. You were right to end the relationship. You are right to feel betrayed.
Anyone who tries to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel hurt, betrayed, or violated because you were polyamorous is being a huge jerk and fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of polyamory. Please stop going to those people for support and emotional validation, they are not capable of providing it. If you need to find a poly-positive place to vent or seek support, check the “Forums & Communities” section of this page.
If at all possible, please stop living with this guy immediately. Ask a friend if you can crash with them if you need to. And in the meantime, stop trying to “bring it up.” Your ex is not going to provide you an apology or say anything you will find healing, no matter how many times you ask. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says. What matters is that you were hurt and you deserve to not be hurt. It’s understandable that this is “still hurting.” The solution to that is to take care of yourself, eat some comfort foods, and find some actually supportive friends to lean on. Don’t look to him, or people who are wrapped up in his narrative, for any alleviation of that hurt.