I am 19 years old and I recently started talking with a guy, who is 7 years older than me and happens to have a kid from a previous relationship... I really like him but I don't know if it is normal. Should I run away?
Yeah, my advice is not to date this dude. You’re at completely different stages in your life, and you’re going to have different values and needs. Probably best to keep your options open and stick to dating people in a more similar situation as you.
One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when she's anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where we're just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer we're together, the harder I'm finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so I'm often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).
This isn't something she's asked me to do, and when I've brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that I'm not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when she's feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because she's tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isn't actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic haven't been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying she's a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.
How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I don't want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like I'd rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if she's snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.
Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So I’m not trying to minimize or victim blame here.
However.
Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for what’s going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we ‘can’t help it’ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.
It’s not cool to snap at your partner. It’s not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when we’re anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.
Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel “hyper vigilant.” That’s not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when you’re around your partner. Period.
I understand that you want to be someone she can be “comfortable” with and not feel the pressure to “bottle up” or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesn’t sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like she’s meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.
It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and it’s not fair. You’re putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.
Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like she’s actually trying (whether or not she’s being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between “I feel anxious” and “I feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.” Your job here is to develop some “vibe shields” that can reduce your “absorbency.”
Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partner’s anxiety and you shouldn’t be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesn’t want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.
Practice adopting the mindset of “I wish unsubscribe from this material” or “This is not my department.” Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.
Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energy and doing your best not to take on her emotions - then you’ll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem can’t be resolved between you two, then you’ll need to think about whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship that’s making you feel like this.
I just got into a poly relationship with a couple who have been together for five years, we've been friends for three, we've all been dating for a month now. They have a whole pattern of existing already. We're all new to polyamory. We all spend time together really well, me and her alone is okay, but she gets jealous when I spend time with him alone. I want to be able to spend time equally with both of them alone without her getting upset. I don't know how to approach the topic since it's all new and I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to fully enjoy both relationships I have with them separately as well as together. He wants to spend time with me without her being upset as well. Do you have any advice for gently talking boundaries for a new relationship?
We all learned (or, at least, we were all supposed to learn) in kindergarten that it’s generally not okay to do things that make other people feel upset or hurt. So I don’t want to tell you that you’re wrong for caring about this, or that it’s a good idea to just go around doing things that you know make other people - especially people that you care about! - feel upset or hurt.
HOWEVER. As adults in relationships with other adults, it’s not always feasible for your goals to be based on someone else’s feelings. You say that you don’t want her to be upset, but there’s nothing you can do to control her feelings, and sometimes, people are just going to have feelings. You can’t change them and you can’t take responsibility for them. This person chose to enter into a polyamorous relationship with you two, and she is responsible for managing her choices and behaviors in this situation.
My question for you, to start, is how do you know that she “gets jealous” or is “upset?” If there is some behavior of hers that is making this relationship untenable, if she is treating you coldly or picking fights or something, then you can talk to her about that. You can let her know how those behaviors are affecting you, and clarify what needs to change for this three person relationship to function in a way that’s healthy for everyone.
Theoretically, all three of you have the same goal: for him, you, AND her to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and functional within the relationship. You’ll want to ask her what you and he can do to help her feel more secure, and if she asks you for things that are possible and reasonable, try doing those things. Then it will be your turn to let her know how this is affecting you, and what you need from her to make the relationship work.
Ultimately, she needs to manage her own emotions and not make them your responsibility. If she just needs to work through these feelings, then try not to make them your problem or get too fussed over them. Someone can be out in the world being upset without that needing to take up emotional real estate in your head. Figure out whether you and your new partner can navigate your togetherness without constantly worrying about what she might be thinking, and then if there is an issue, address her actions rather than the feelings you’re perceiving her to have.
I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for almost 6 months now and I was very upfront with him about being poly and married. I have started to have serious problems with my marriage that may end in divorce but now my partner is suddenly asking me to not be poly anymore if I get divorced, he says that he realized that he hates sharing me and he couldn't handle me being with anyone else. I'm not sure how to handle this, I'm fine with mono relationships but he's being pushy about it.
If you would be happy dating this guy monogamously, then you are well within your rights to decide to shift the terms of the relationship like that! You were polyamorous when it worked best for you and your relationship, and monogamous under the same circumstances.
But if you don’t want to date that guy monogamously, then you don’t have to! You can tell him that you are not interested in changing that term of the relationship, and if he can’t stay in a relationship with you on those terms, then you’ll have to sadly part ways. Only you can decide!
However, it sounds like you’re more worried about his pushiness and the way he’s framing this change. Even if you could theoretically be happy in a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to try it right now, right here, with this guy. If you don’t like the way he handled the request, that’s a completely valid reason to turn down the request. If he made a reasonable request in an unreasonable way, it doesn’t really matter that the request was initially reasonable.
If he’s generally behaving in a way that feels pushy (a word you used) or even possessive or controlling (words I acknowledge you did not use), then you can reconsider the terms of the relationship on that basis alone. Have you ever told him “no” before? Is this part of a larger pattern? Note that 6 months isn’t a whole lot of time to date someone, especially since at least some of that time has been shared with the emotional turmoil of your marriage struggling. Note also that some of the language you used when quoting him sounds very, well, controlling and possessive.
I’m not usually one to go the “trust your gut” route, but if you don’t like how he’s being with this, I think you should take that as a strong signal. My advice is to hold firm that the relationship is and will remain a polyamorous one, and if he’s not okay with that, it will need to end. If he tries to argue or push back or demand monogamy or otherwise not take no for an answer, that is NOT a sign that you should have gone monogamous, it’s a sign that you should LEAVE the relationship rather than continuing to negotiate for it.
So I am currently in a V relationship (Still have NRE from new partner), but have a few comets that I interact with. One of my partners doesn't seem to like one of my comets and gets mad whenever I had mentioned them. Is this something that you think is problematic? Does this seem toxic or is it more insecurity?
First, I must get on a soapbox. If you want to skip straight to me actually trying to answer this person’s question, scroll down.
I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an out of touch boomer who thinks “cancel culture” is the same as “my grandkids don’t think the tv shows I like are funny,” but I don’t know how else to say it - you’ve got to get off tumblr. Or tiktok. Or whatever corner of advice, language, and ideas you’ve been hanging out in.
Because I can’t actually answer the questions you asked.
First, you described your partner’s behavior in 2 sentences, then asked me if I think it’s "problematic.” I don’t know what that means! Does “problematic” just mean “problem causing?” What is a “problem?” Is it anything that causes minor annoyances, or does being “problematic” mean that something is a serious relationship issue requiring examination and change?
And what does it matter if I, an anonymous advice blogger, think it’s problematic? It’s your relationship! What would you gain from knowing whether or not I think it’s problematic?
What are you really asking me? Are you asking me if I think you should break up with this person? Are you asking me if I think your partner is behaving 100% reasonably? Are you asking me what I think you ought to do in response?
Then you ask “Does this seem toxic” - again, you’re deferring to whatever my perspective is on this issue, like I’m some high court of relationships. Plus, the word “toxic” - what does it mean? It’s just as vague as “problematic,” and I genuinely can’t help you here.
Finally, you ask “Does this seem toxic OR is it more insecurity?” Friend, first of all, you can’t contrast behavior with mental state; those aren’t an either/or situation. People can behave in “toxic” ways because they feel “insecure.” One doesn’t exclude or excuse the other. It’s not like there are two categories of people: “toxic, problematic people” vs. “people who are acting out of insecurity.”
Second, I do not know your partner! I do not know you! I do not know your relationship! You’ve given me two sentences, and then asked me to make a ruling on whether a person is being “problematic” or “toxic,” then asked me to theorize about their emotional motivations. You cannot reduce a person to those labels! People are complex!
The focus on psychoanalyzing the people in our lives and sorting them into neat categories is something I am seeing a lot in corners of the internet that focus on relationships and well being. I think it is an unhelpful worldview, because it leads real people with real, unique, complicated problems to reach out for advice with a framing that will render any answer meaningless.
Here is where I actually answer the question after parsing its framing:
If your partner’s behavior is bothering you, you have a right to speak up about it. And you get to decide how big of an issue this is. If it’s something that bothers you but isn’t feeling like a major unmet need - like, of course it would be nice if all my partners got along, but I can’t realistically expect that, so let’s just agree to disagree and be civil - then you can ask your partner as a matter of politeness to just keep their thoughts to themselves. If they do, great. If they still don’t, then it’s a matter of them being rude and not respecting your reasonable request.
If it’s something that is causing problems to the point that you’re reconsidering the terms of your relationship, or if it’s impacting your relationship in a significant way, then you’ll want to address it differently. You’ll want to be open with your partner about how it’s affecting you, and ask them where these comments are coming from. You two then need to talk about how you’ll manage a relationship where metamours dislike each other like that, and you may even find that you have irreconcilable differences about that.
You can also decide to shrug it off if it doesn’t bother you enough to want to make an issue out of it. There is a wide spectrum of completely rational responses to this situation, depending on your specific individual circumstances. All of it has to do with really concrete questions, like: “How do those statements make me feel?” “Am I okay feeling that?” “What needs to change for me to be okay?” “How is my partner responding to my questions and requests about this?”
Other people might make different choices in your situation, and that’s okay! No one else gets to be the arbiter of what you should or shouldn’t tolerate in your relationships. Focus on what you need and what and how you’re feeling and what you’re doing - that’s the context you need to determine whether something is actually a problem.
as of about 5 months ago, I entered into a poly relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Since starting the relationship, we've agreed to become a triad, so her boyfriend is now also my partner.
I'm basically really struggling with relationship anxiety. I'm trying to be quite proactive about it both with myself - journalling, practicing mindfulness, using CBT to interrupt harmful thought patterns - and with both of them - telling them how I feel, when I'm anxious, what I need when I need it. But I still get this feeling like I'm going to be feeling anxious forever? It's hard finding advice online that relates to specifically poly relationships.
This isn't my first poly relationship, and it's weird because in my previous one I didn't get any of this anxiety. I think, strangely, it might be because this one is actually healthier than the last? We have scheduled meetings, we discuss the relationship often, which I never have before. Although I know it's good and valuable, sometimes bringing up something I need or have been thinking about fills me with dread. I do try and push through that, in a kind of exposure therapy way, but I feel bad because every time I bring something up I end up crying. I know it's important to work through that, but often these situations just compound on my anxiety in the heat of the moment - not only am I anxious about whatever I'm bringing up, but also anxious about myself crying and perhaps making my partners feel guilty about whatever I'm asking for, perhaps forcing themselves into something they don't want.
I trust both my partners and one of the mantras I come back to again and again is that if there was something wrong they would tell me. And that it's not all my responsibility to make this relationship work - all I can do is be honest about how I'm feeling and trust they will be too. But at times the anxiety feels really all-consuming and I get this feeling like it's kind of ruining the relationship.
I suppose my question, after all of this, is whether anyone else has any experience with relationship anxiety within poly relationships? Does it get better? I feel like I'm flying blind. And although I know I can talk to my partners about it, and I do, I think I’m feeling a need for a space or conversation outside of the relationship because of what I mentioned before about compounded anxiety.
There’s a lot of advice out there about how anxiety is made worse by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, and there’s also a lot of advice out there that says you should bring things up with your partners and talk through them in order to resolve problems like this.
It sounds like you’ve been getting, and taking, a lot of that advice, so I won’t repeat it here. I do want to give you MAJOR kudos for doing all this self-work, for not letting your anxiety hold you back from important relationship conversations, for using CBT and mindfulness and all those other tools. Definitely keep doing that, and be proud of yourself for doing it!
At the same time, there is such thing as “too much of a good thing.” In some cases, an over-emphasis on “processing” and “talking things out” can make a problem worse rather than better. It’s possible that having scheduled meetings and feeling like you need to hash out and give voice to every single negative emotion is causing you to ruminate on them more than necessary. Sometimes it’s okay to just let feelings and experiences pass without giving language to them, constructing a narrative around them, and seeking solutions or reassurance or validation after the fact.
So, if you think it would help, consider scaling back on all these conversations - not because you are indulging your anxiety, but just because they might not be all that necessary. See what it’s like to just let the relationship be what it is, and bring things up organically as you feel they need to be addressed rather than scheduling meetings. (If you think this advice is off base, feel free to ignore it!)
Also, one key thing to note that if you are dealing with this sort of chronic, long-term anxiety that doesn’t seem to go away even when you’re doing everything right - engaging in healthy behaviors, cultivating healthy relationships - that is exactly the sort of situation that medication was meant for! You might not be able to Mantra and Mindfulness your way out of this, nor do you have to. This might not be an issue with polyamory or your relationships at all, and you can find support outside of focusing on How To Be Better At Polyamory By Brute Force. Consider working with a mental healthcare professional to find ways to make things easier on yourself.
If you find yourself crying during hard conversations, but you don’t want your partners to focus on your crying and feel like it distracts from the issue you’re trying to discuss, you can also write them letters or emails to express things. That way you can say what you want to say without having to worry about managing your emotional reactions. A lot of people emphasize the importance of “face to face” conversations, but it sounds like these scheduled meetings and frequent emotional check-ins are making things harder, not easier, for you. See if it works for you and your partners to chat more casually over a text-based platform or for you to share writing with them that expresses how you feel.
Another piece of advice I have is, if you are going to keep having these structured discussions, try to set goals or intentions for the conversation going forward. If you’re not asking them to change anything about their behavior, but you just want to share your feelings and be heard, state that up front. If you are asking a specific question you want an honest answer for, or if you are bringing up a problem you want to find a solution for, let them know. Don’t just set aside an hour to talk about feelings and relationship stuff, and then spiral around and around. I’ve seen this happen a LOT, and even with the best of intentions, it tends to cause more problems than it solves.
Finally, you asked if anyone has experience with this and whether it gets better: I can only speak for myself, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (a pretty severe case, too) and I can tell you that, yes, this type of anxiety is possible to manage. It is not, however, fully manageable or treatable by focusing on it in lots of relationship conversations. Sometimes, paradoxically, the harder you try to solve a problem like this, the worse it gets. You also need some distractions, self-soothing techniques, and just fun quality time with yourself and your partners. You might also need therapy (not focused on your relationship, but for anxiety management in general) and medication.
As for finding places to talk about this outside of your partners, that’s a great idea - a place to vent, process, ask questions, etc. without placing extra demands on the relationship. I’d recommend checking out some online spaces for polyamorous people (you can find some here.) However, know that anxious or negative thoughts can be reinforced by going over them multiple times, describing them, sharing them with others, etc. So be very careful about how you spend your time in these communities. Are you mostly expressing your painful thoughts, hanging out in the “vent” channels, and giving language to your anxiety? Or are you seeking friendship, connection, and advice?
In general, my advice is to try and let go of your anxiety-about-your-anxiety. Stop treating it like a problem that can be solved with more time, more attention, and more work. Lean in to the things that make you happy in this relationship, and know that you don’t have to ‘address’ every anxious feeling. Find ways to make these relationship conversations easier for yourself (set intentions, do things in writing, scale back on them) and trust your future self to handle things as they arise.
I'm madly in love with my partners, but sometimes I think I would like to see someone else as well, just casually. I don't have a ton of experience with poly outside of my little 'cule, so I was hoping for some guidance from someone with more experience: Do I really want a new partner? Or do I just want more from my current partners? I haven't been thinking about anyone in particular, I just feel like I want someone to flirt with and go on dates with. I do feel like I don't get a lot of that with my partners anymore. But I can't tell whether my interest in dating someone new springs solely from that or from just wanting someone new.
I’m not psychic, so I can’t tell you for sure what you “really want,” but I can tell you that NRE is a hell of a drug, and it’s very common to crave a new hit after a while without it. The early stages of a relationship, with all the flirting and the excitement, are fun!
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your established relationships while also realizing that you are also in the mood for the experiences that come with pursuing something new or more casual. When I get that itch, I usually spend some time bonking around on various dating platforms and have a few flings. Sometimes those flings turn into long-term relationships, sometimes they don’t.
(Always ethically pursue flings - if you know you want something that’s low-commitment and mostly for fun, be up front about that! It’s not usually too hard to find someone interested in the same. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some flirting that isn’t expected to turn into a partnership.)
Of course, it’s also okay to decide that you don’t want to actually pursue a new fling, but that these feelings are alerting you to some unaddressed issues in your existing relationships. Talk to your partners about wanting to pump up the romance, and see if you can’t get creative with some date nights, spiced-up sexual play, or new ways to flirt.
These days, a lot of people are finding outlets in online chats. I actually set my OKCupid range to “anywhere” and messaged people I had a 99% match with, and have made some fun new friends. Consider asking one of your existing partners if they want to swap some steamy stories, and/or poking around the corners of the internet where people who share your interests are hanging out!
My first experience in poly was forced. I wanted to try to see what it was like and he scheduled a date without telling me, then forced me to deal with it after I had cried to him for four days saying I needed him that night and he went and had sex without a condom without talking to me about that. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset about it 5 months later?
If by “normal” you mean “within the bounds of decent and appropriate behavior,” no, what this person did was not normal at all. This is not how polyamory is meant to be practiced, and this is not a healthy introduction to polyamory.
If by “normal” you mean “common,” then yes, unfortunately, people being scumbags and trying to excuse their unacceptable behavior by calling it “polyamory” happens far more often than it should.
No one should ever put you in a situation where you feel “forced.” That is completely not okay, especially in the context of relationships, intimacy, or sexuality. What this guy did was absolutely atrocious and you have every right to feel upset.
You don’t say whether you are still involved with this guy. If you are, please sever those ties immediately. If he is the one making you feel like your emotions are “not normal,” please feel free to ignore his perspective.
If you feel like polyamory is not something you want to try engaging with again because your first experience with what-this-guy-said-was-poly was so terrible, that is completely fine. You don’t owe it to anyone - not this guy, not yourself, not the nebulous polyamorous community - to ‘get over’ this or to adjust your emotions based on what someone else thinks is “normal.”
Since you use the word “forced” twice in your message, and since you’re talking about issues around intimacy and sexuality, and since you’re concerned about how upset you feel in the wake of this experience, I’d strongly recommend talking to a therapist about this. You experienced a violation and you deserve help to work through how you’re feeling.
Someone who’s a “sage” in the community basically called polyfidelity monogamy with bonus people and that polyfidelity is basically just a relationship of insecurity. I feel personally offended by this notion as I’ve had partners with other partners not dating me. I never once self jealous or unhappy, but my preference at its roots is fidelity. The whole conversation made me feel really bad and invalid, unaccepted and lesser. Advice?
I am sorry that someone who is respected in your community made you feel that way. That always sucks, and it can be so alienating.
However, it sounds like you know pretty solidly that what that person said is straight up not true. You know that you have a preference and you know that it is not rooted in jealousy or insecurity. Nothing this person says can change that or take that away from you.
People are often out in the world being wrong. Sometimes they are even wrong about us, personally. And that can be maddening, but a big part of finding some kind of peace in this bonkers world is learning to let some people just be over there being wrong.
Becoming a “sage” in a community doesn’t make someone an infallible expert on all things. If this was a one time thing, resolve to skip all their workshops and panels from now on, and surround yourself with people who respect you and your relationships.
If you are seeing ripple effect ramifications from this person’s influence, start speaking up within the community. No one person gets to determine the truth for an entire group of people. (That way lies cults.) You may find lots of allies who were also uncomfortable with that idea being spread around.
Sometimes, it can be freeing and empowering to realize that we’ve outgrown our heroes. You’re confident enough in your own experiences that you don’t need to look to these “sages” to define things for you, and you are knowledgable enough to recognize when they are wrong.
Take some time to care for yourself, because it can really hurt when someone whose voice we value says something that is alienating, hurtful, or false. But focus on the fact that you know they were wrong.
My bf said he was poly and said his wife was on board. She and I spoke by email for a while before meeting and she seemed happy and consenting. I have met her in person 3 times now and all she does is cry and talk about how hard this is. She is clearly not ok with this arrangement. I love my bf and am afraid to lose him but I hate that she is hurting. I offered to walk away (even though that would destroy me) but my bf said absolutely no. What do I do? Any way to make this better for her?
A couple of reality checks: First, leaving a relationship will not destroy you. You may be in a lot of grief and pain, but your structural integrity is not being threatened. You can and will survive the loss of a partner who you love. Also, your boyfriend saying “absolutely not” doesn’t mean you can’t leave a relationship. That’s your call to make. Finally, her emotional struggles are not your responsibility nor are they something you can control.
Ultimately, you need to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship where your metamour is so unhappy. I’m of the belief that adults are allowed to take each other at their word, so the fact that she says she’s consenting is significant here. It’s possible that she just has lots of feelings about polyamory and thinks you’re the only person she can vent all this stuff out to, and that she’s less miserable than she seems. It’s possible that she’s really hurting and is refusing to acknowledge it for her own reasons.
Start by talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that whenever you and his wife meet in person, she tells you about how unhappy she is with this arrangement. Let him know that you’re really uncomfortable with this. What does he think? Does he mind? Does he think you have an obligation to manage his wife’s feelings? What is he prepared to do to make space in his relationship for a healthy exploration of polyamory?
Would he be okay with it if you stepped back from having conversations with his wife about this? It’s okay if you say that you’re happy to meet up with her socially and get to know each other, but that as metamours, you don’t think you’re able to process and receive her feelings about her relationship with her husband.
If your boyfriend isn’t able and willing to help you find a more sustainable way forward, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re harming someone and doesn’t put the onus of handling his wife’s feelings onto you, then this could be worked out. But if he can’t collaborate with you on some healing work here - if he’s fine with this status quo where his wife pretends to be okay with something that she’s obviously not okay with, and where you’re asked to provide ad-hoc poly therapy to her - you’re better off leaving the relationship. He doesn’t have to “let you,” and you will suffer heartbreak, but neither of those things mean you must stay in a relationship that isn’t good for you.
I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a poly man. He and his partner just had a child, we both work busy hours. When I made the trip a few months ago to see him for the first time after becoming "official," it was an absolute let down - due to some admittedly poor planning, there wasn't time for us to actually be together. When I spoke to him about it later and I said that I felt lonely in the relationship and like the only one making an effort, he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I'm sorry how the trip went, and I'll do my best but I can't promise anything. I’m not going to be less busy for probably 18 years." This really hurt me but I tried be understanding.
While we still talk every week, I had to pull back a lot because I felt hurt. He didn't wish me a happy Valentine’s day, and when I sent him a picture of my makeup/clothes for the night, he responded in a lukewarm way, which really upset me. I feel like neither of us is making an effort right now, but his total lack of attention to me really hurts. I try to be understanding because of how busy he is with work, his partner, his children, etc., but none of this feels real and I feel so lonely – I feel truly “secondary.” Am I being selfish?
In one sense, yes, you’re being selfish, and by that I mean “focused on your own needs.” But I would argue that it’s totally okay to be selfish in this situation. It sounds like this relationship isn’t something that is making you happy and giving you the connection that you want.
To your credit, you pointed out what was bothering you. And to your partner’s credit, he was super honest in his response. He didn’t try to argue that things aren’t that bad and he pays you plenty of attention. He didn’t promise to be better about it going forward, to keep you on the hook. He was clear and realistic about what he can, and can’t, provide to you in terms of time and commitment.
Now you have information: that dating this guy makes you feel lonely and ignored. It’s time to act on this information. The guy might be great, but it sounds like this relationship just isn’t what you need right now. It’s totally fine to decide you don’t want to date a guy who is married, has a kid, lives far away from you, and can’t prioritize you in ways you want to be prioritized.
My partner is fine with me dating my crush, but my crush hasn’t told his gf he’s poly. He’s continuing to flirt with me while also delaying talking to her. I’m trying really hard to get him to talk to his gf cause he’s being a dick to both of us by not telling her, I’m tired of being his secret, and I don’t want his gf getting hurt. So I guess I have two questions: 1. Am I also an asshole in this situation, for letting things get this far? 2. How do I get outta this mess?
I don’t think you’re an asshole - it sounds like you were acting in good faith, expecting that he’s going to talk to his girlfriend about permission to date you. And now that things have gone this far, you’re realizing that they shouldn’t go farther without her consent.
Let him know that you’re no longer comfortable with things as they stand, and you feel dangerously close to being complicit in his choice to cheat on his girlfriend. Tell him that everything between you two needs to halt immediately and can only resume once she’s fully informed and on board.
I recently came out of a very toxic relationship. My ex partner gaslit me and is even still emotionally manipulative now we're broken up as we still live together. They also cheated on me. I forgave them at the time but it's still hurting me. Any time I try and bring it up my ex refuses to talk about it and people have said because we were poly, they couldn't have cheated. We had rules and my ex broke them. Is that cheating or am I going crazy?
Violating existing terms of a relationship counts as cheating. Period. Cheating does not mean “the specific act of sexual touching with a person who isn’t your partner,” it means “violating your partner’s trust by breaking a clearly established boundary within the relationship and lying about it.”
But also, it doesn’t really matter. The semantics of whether or not he “cheated” according to a certain person’s definition of “cheating” are irrelevant to the question of whether or not he was a terrible partner who you definitely should have broken up with. Which he clearly was. You were right to end the relationship. You are right to feel betrayed.
Anyone who tries to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel hurt, betrayed, or violated because you were polyamorous is being a huge jerk and fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of polyamory. Please stop going to those people for support and emotional validation, they are not capable of providing it. If you need to find a poly-positive place to vent or seek support, check the “Forums & Communities” section of this page.
If at all possible, please stop living with this guy immediately. Ask a friend if you can crash with them if you need to. And in the meantime, stop trying to “bring it up.” Your ex is not going to provide you an apology or say anything you will find healing, no matter how many times you ask. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says. What matters is that you were hurt and you deserve to not be hurt. It’s understandable that this is “still hurting.” The solution to that is to take care of yourself, eat some comfort foods, and find some actually supportive friends to lean on. Don’t look to him, or people who are wrapped up in his narrative, for any alleviation of that hurt.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years. We had lots of ups and downs. Last year she met another girl at work, she seriously cheated on me but she's not telling me the full story and keeps saying that if she tells me, she will lose me. She also kept saying that she flirted and had a thing with her because we had problems and that she won’t survive if we break up. I can’t leave her. I'm afraid she will harm herself. We are still together. What should I do? The relationship is getting toxic!
You need to leave this relationship for your own health and happiness. Someone who cheats on you, refuses to tell you the truth, blames you for their cheating, uses threats of self harm to manipulate you into staying, and makes you feel that the relationship is “toxic” is not someone you should be dating. Period. Make a plan to leave the relationship as safely, cleanly, and quickly as possible.
Ultimately, you are not responsible for her actions. She is. If she makes the choice to harm herself, that’s on her, not you. The fact that you are concerned with her well being means you are a good, kind hearted person, and that’s normal. But don’t let that completely hijack your instincts and control everything you do. There is a wide space between “needlessly cruel” and “doormat,” and I invite you to step into that space as soon as possible.
Connect her with appropriate resources (a local crisis hotline would be a good one), and then disengage. If she is on good terms with her family, you can give them a heads up that she might need extra support. But don’t get caught up in being responsible for her, relaying messages, checking up on her, etc. Let her know you are no longer available, recommend that she reach out to family, other friends, or a crisis hotline, and then turn your phone off or otherwise do what you need to get some space. Consider also enlisting a friend of yours to help you maintain this boundary and give you a neutral, supportive space to land while you ride out this breakup.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I didn’t feel loved by him. He would lie to me a lot and about a month ago I found out that he lied to me about money issues and kept up that lie for about a month. He would also make plans with me and then cancel on me to hang out with his newer romantic interests and it made me feel like he didn’t respect my time or my company. I spoke with him about this but he continued to do it and I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore but I’m questioning if I made the right decision or not. I feel like a bad person for being uncomfortable with him and his new partner. Am I in the wrong for breaking up with him and am I a bad person for breaking up with him over this?
You are absolutely not in the wrong. You are not a bad person. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, it is okay to leave. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them. No one is entitled to be in a relationship with you. Period. If it’s not working, if you don’t feel loved, if you don’t like the way things are going, if it’s just not vibin’ for you anymore, those are all fine reasons to leave. There is no arbiter of breakups, no relationship judge that you have to present your case to and ‘prove’ that you had enough of a good reason to end things.
If he is saying things to you that make you feel guilty for leaving, stop talking to him. Block him, cut off contact, and spend time with people who support you in making the best, healthiest choices for you.
Please check out this article and my FAQ page about leaving a bad relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for 4.5 years now, and we have lived together for the past 3 of those. About 1.5 years into our monogamous relationship, I engaged in a few cheating episodes before finally admitting to my partner what had happened. I wanted to be with him, but also couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to connect with others too. I shared that I would like to move forward as a polyamorous couple as I can’t see these particular desires of mine changing anytime soon.
Initially, he was distraught about the cheating, but wanted to stay with me to work through it all - expressing that he might be able to come around to being a Polyamorous couple in time. 3 years has passed since this initial first conversation, and our relationship has become incredibly toxic over time. He keeps shutting me down and saying he wants us to both be monogamous now.
This sense of resistance has turned him into a violent, reactive person over this past year especially. Recently we have had the most explosive, violent argument since we’ve been together. As a result I’ve moved back home to my parents house 1 hour away, to stay safe. I can’t be dishonest to him, or myself - I am Polyamorous in nature, at this point in my life, and I want to be able to live authentically.
Do I need to confront this abuse and work through it with him, or should I leave? Should I stay in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around to live polyamorously with me, or should I let him go for good, knowing that this situation is causing him way too much pain to go on?
Do not stay with this guy. Things like “working through abuse” and “staying in hopes of him healing his issues and coming around” are not smart or healthy, and they do not end well. Once someone has been so violent with you that you need to go somewhere else for your own safety, that relationship is over. It’s not just that the relationship is causing him too much pain, it’s “abusive” and “toxic” to you. Leave and stay gone. Check my resources here.
Forcing a monogamous person to be in a poly relationship is just as damaging and cruel as forcing a poly person to be in a monogamous relationship. More people need to understand this and stop shaming people who want/need one on one relationships.
I agree, and I have never advised anyone to push themselves or someone else to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work for them. In fact, I have also gotten feedback from readers that I am too quick to suggest that someone leave a relationship and don’t do enough to encourage people to ‘try and make it work’ by changing their perspectives on monogamy or polyamory.
I do want to point out, however, that it is actually very difficult and very rare for someone to be forced to be in a certain type of relationship. Excluding severe cases of abuse, most people are free to leave a relationship if it’s not working for them. That may be painful or unpleasant, but it is an option. Being shamed, being uncomfortable, being disagreed with, or facing a difficult choice is not the same as being forced.
If someone makes a demand of you, you can always say “no.” If someone demands a polyamorous relationship, and their partner does not want to be in a polyamorous relationship, they can leave the relationship. They are not being forced into a polyamorous relationship, they are being given the choice between a polyamorous relationship or no relationship. They are also giving their partner the option of a monogamous relationship or no relationship. In that case, either party can choose the “no relationship” option.
If you do feel like you don’t have access to your “no” because your partner is using threats and violence to force you to do something, that is abuse and you deserve help. Check the resources here.
I have a bisexual friend who hasn't had much experience with women. She is married and mono. I have a thing for her and she does for me too. I don't know if I should tell her my feelings. She knows I'm Poly (I'm not looking rn and I have a mono partner). She's expressed her interest in new things, and a sort of disappointment about never really being with a woman. (She loves her man but worries he hasn't had enough experiences...which to me sounds like projection but ok.) I really like her but I don't wanna ruin our relationship or her marriage (I don't want her to cheat..but I don't want her man to freak out about the whole thing if she wants to date me.) She may have to move far away this coming year. What should I do?
Nothing. You should do nothing. She is in a monogamous marriage. It is not cool to pursue someone romantically or sexually who is in a monogamous marriage.
When she talks to you about her concerns and feelings, be a supportive friend, ask broad questions, give generic advice. It’s possible she has no interest in exploring sex or relationships outside her marriage and just wants to chat about her bisexuality with someone who she thinks will “get it.” Or, she could be interested in learning more about polyamory or her options for being with a woman. You can try asking some questions to help her figure out whether she’s just idly venting or trying to strategize around big life choices. You can point her to resources on bisexuality and polyamory.
But this is not an invitation for you to personally provide her with an opportunity to try extramarital sex or sex with a woman. And even if it was, it’s not an invitation you should take. She has a lot to figure out, and it’s not your place to take any action on this.
My partner and I love each other and are each other’s primaries. We are also open, which came with a lot of jealousy for me in the beginning. But I decided to deal with it, because I am poly and I know that all my fears and jealousy are not because of him, but my insecurities. Now that he fell in love he has gotten a lot more committed but also jealous, almost possessive, wanting OPP. Because he said he does not trust other men, that I am his girl and if I do sexual stuff with other guys we might still see each other but our relationship won’t have a sexual touch anymore. I for my part have not have sex with other people yet and am in general a lot less experienced than him. He for his part has had quite a few sexual encounters with girls since we are seeing each other, which he told me about. It makes me angry to know that I cope with my jealousy but he does not seem willing to do so. A monogamous relationship, which he seems to want by now, is the only option besides him seeing other people and me not (which is not an option), and although I kind of like the thought I fear that monogamy is not something that will make me happy, because I know the insecurities have nothing to do with the relationship style but the person. Then we are also in a d/s dynamic, which makes me submit to him also in this wish. I don’t know what to do, I am thinking about temporary monogamy to give it a try, but he s already jealous about other men touching me and I want to gather new experiences in my local BDSM community, which do not have to include sex but playing and rope, for example. Do you have any tips on what I could do and how I might know monogamy might be an option for me? Do you think his behavior is unhealthy or is it just the typical "monogamistic behavior"?
My advice to you is to RUN AWAY from this guy and DO NOT LOOK BACK. He is throwing up red flags left and right, here! If he can see other women without it threatening your relationship, then there is no logic that means you would be threatening the relationship by seeing other men. He is being jealous and possessive, full stop.
The fact that he is much more experienced than you doesn’t mean that you have to take his word on things. Some of your language here, like insisting that your discomfort is 100% your department and doesn’t entitle you to ask anything of him, sounds like he’s been manipulating you. Especially since, apparently, his discomfort creates obligations for you.
Being in a D/s relationship does NOT mean that you need to submit to your partner’s wishes on everything, and it should NOT be relevant when it comes to negotiating relationship terms like this. That is a fantasy, a roleplay, and you ALWAYS have the right to step out of that fantasy and discuss things on equal terms. If he is saying that your BDSM play means you have less of a say in the relationship, that is a perversion of healthy BDSM and borders on using BDSM to mask abuse. RUN.
If you don’t want to be monogamous, do not be monogamous! Especially not with this guy! If you want to explore more within your local BDSM scene, you absolutely should have the freedom to do so. Don’t get stuck in a relationship with this guy that is limiting and unfulfilling. I don’t think he sounds like a healthy person to date, either monogamously or polyamorously.
I strongly encourage you to reach out to leaders in your local community who you trust - they can give you some clear advice about the crap this guy is trying to sell you, and help surround you with healthier people. You may also find that this guy is known for his patterns of bad behavior within the scene. This is not what BDSM is supposed to look or feel like, and there are people who have navigated these waters before and can support you.
I have been married for 15 years, and we have a special needs son. In July, I discovered he was in an S&M relationship with another woman which he is identifying as polygamous. He wants me to continue our relationship with him. I refuse. We live in the same home, and he becomes angry and aggressive when I say polyamory is not for me. He is free to go with the other woman. How do I get him to leave me alone? If I don't hug and kiss him, he goes ballistic. Please help me say the right words.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What this man did was a violation of your marriage and of you, and he continues to behave in ways that are unacceptable and abusive. No one has a right to demand that you be in a relationship with them or to hug and kiss them. No one.
The issue here is not whether you are saying “the right words.” There are no magic, correct words that will make him realize he is out of line and suddenly start acting appropriately. His choices are neither your fault nor your responsibility.
It sounds like you’ve made your choice, and you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. You don’t want to hug or kiss him, you feel that he is “free to go with the other woman,” and you never once used words like “husband” or “partner” in your letter. However, it sounds like he is trying to use “angry and aggressive” behavior to force you to stay in a sexual/romantic relationship with him. That is dangerous, and behaviors like that can escalate quickly and violently.
I think you should take your son and go. Stay with a friend or a family member and start accessing resources that can help you end this marriage. Depending on your son’s special needs, your family may be eligible for assistance like respite care, legal advocacy, and other low-cost services. If he is currently receiving therapy or special education services at school, you may be able to connect with an advocate or social worker there. You can also reach out to legal clinics, domestic violence shelters, and other organizations in your area for help extricating yourself safely from the marriage.
Best of luck, and again, I am so sorry.