I want to live in partnership with another couple, but my husband is unsure

My partner and i recently got married. We're really happy, but for the past half year I've caught feelings for two other friends. My husband feels the same way and these two friends are already in a relationship and poly. My husband has feelings but more platonic than my romantic feelings and doesn’t really wanna pursue anything. Every time i try to have a discussion about it he gets overwhelmed or jealous. But its like I just want them in queer platonic polycule?

I don't want to have sex or even kiss them but I want to go on dates and hold hands and live together and raise kids with them. My partner feels exactly the same way but he is still super hesitant. He was this hesitant when we started dating so idk what to do about my feelings. Am I a bad person for wanting to pursue this even though my spouse is lowkey jealous? And am I a bad spouse for even wanting another relationship while being just recently married? I don't want to weird my friends out but I don't like to just not tell people how I feel about them. It feels wrong somehow. And on another note, sorry for all the questions, if my partner and I did decide to pursue this kind of relationship, how do I even go about it?

The good news is that the arrangement you’re describing is as old as humanity itself, and in fact how most families have been raised over the course of history. The “nuclear family,” where only two adults live in a detached home and are expected to meet all of each other’s financial, developmental, emotional, physical, culinary, etc. needs - as well as those of any children - is a very recent concept.

You may be well served by letting go of the concept of a “queer platonic polycule” and exploring language for what you really want that doesn’t signify a necessary departure from the monogamous marriage your husband feels committed to protect. What you’ve described may be well represented by other concepts, including family friends, kinship networks, close neighbors, chosen family, or non-blood cousins. Raising kids together, spending quality time together, supporting each other, and “doing life together” might be less threatening ways to talk about this, at least for your husband.

Talk with your husband about what he wants, and what he does not want. Be specific, using examples and real-world concepts rather than conceptual terms. What is his best case scenario, and what is his worst case scenario? What is he afraid of happening? Can he describe where his jealousy is coming from? What do you mean by “go on dates?” What kind of quality time spent with these other people would feel like “too much” or “jealousy-inducing” for him?

Talk through actual situations. Would you two want to plan joint vacations with this couple? How would you handle things like joint finances or individual healthcare costs? What does “raise kids together” mean for you? Are there any examples from books, movies, or your own lives that you can draw inspiration from? Do you know any neighbors, extended families, religious congregations, or other people who can help serve as a model for this kind of life?

Once you’ve figured out what you actually want, you can bring that up with the other couple. Instead of asking “do you want to form a queer platonic polycule,” ask them “what are your thoughts on co-living with us?” or “would you like to go camping with us next weekend?” Worry less about what words to put on things, and focus on how you want to be in relationship. In some cases, you might not need to have a Big Serious Relationship Defining Conversation, and can instead simply start intentionally living into the type of connection you want.

Finally, you ask whether you are a bad person for having these feelings and desires, and my answer to that question is a resounding: absolutely not! Our thoughts, feelings, and desires are entirely our own business and don’t have the power to make us a good or bad person. It’s how you act on them that matters. If you’re pressuring your husband into doing something that he doesn’t want, or you’re acting manipulative or otherwise disregarding his boundaries, then those are not great things to do, but I’d still caution you against equating “did an unhealthy or unhelpful thing” and “is a bad person.” You are you, and you contain multitudes, and you’ve hurt people and you’ve helped people, and you’re just a person. Try to let go of this notion that anything you think or do can make you “a bad person.”

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Someone well respected in my community said nasty things about my preferred poly practice

Someone who’s a “sage” in the community basically called polyfidelity monogamy with bonus people and that polyfidelity is basically just a relationship of insecurity. I feel personally offended by this notion as I’ve had partners with other partners not dating me. I never once self jealous or unhappy, but my preference at its roots is fidelity. The whole conversation made me feel really bad and invalid, unaccepted and lesser. Advice?

I am sorry that someone who is respected in your community made you feel that way. That always sucks, and it can be so alienating.

However, it sounds like you know pretty solidly that what that person said is straight up not true. You know that you have a preference and you know that it is not rooted in jealousy or insecurity. Nothing this person says can change that or take that away from you.

People are often out in the world being wrong. Sometimes they are even wrong about us, personally. And that can be maddening, but a big part of finding some kind of peace in this bonkers world is learning to let some people just be over there being wrong.

Becoming a “sage” in a community doesn’t make someone an infallible expert on all things. If this was a one time thing, resolve to skip all their workshops and panels from now on, and surround yourself with people who respect you and your relationships.

If you are seeing ripple effect ramifications from this person’s influence, start speaking up within the community. No one person gets to determine the truth for an entire group of people. (That way lies cults.) You may find lots of allies who were also uncomfortable with that idea being spread around.

Sometimes, it can be freeing and empowering to realize that we’ve outgrown our heroes. You’re confident enough in your own experiences that you don’t need to look to these “sages” to define things for you, and you are knowledgable enough to recognize when they are wrong.

Take some time to care for yourself, because it can really hurt when someone whose voice we value says something that is alienating, hurtful, or false. But focus on the fact that you know they were wrong.

So i am about to move me and my family to virginia from oklahoma and i’m not having any luck with finding a poly community that isn’t nation wide. I don’t do well in long distance relationships but cant seem to find anything local for the area

In my many moves around the country and the world, I’ve found that most awesome, local communities, event spaces, meetup groups, and other things tend not to maintain a strong online presence. It takes time and work and expertise to manage a website, an online calendar of events, etc. and so what could be a vibrant, thriving community seems non-existent to people who haven’t stumbled across it in real life.

So if you haven’t moved yet, I would caution you not to worry just yet about not being able to find anything. Once you get there, it will be easier to suss out whether the poly community is truly absent or just hard to find from Virginia. It always takes a while to find your people in a new city, even when that’s a major priority. It sucks, but giving up early is a surefire way to never find it.

Once you get there, consider checking out:

  • Art and music shows and venues 
  • Libraries, colleges, and other spaces that host events
  • Munches, sex shops, or BDSM spaces
  • Co-living and co-working spaces
  • Non-profits and volunteer organizations
  • Groups, meetups, and spaces that focus on hobbies and interests most often correlated with “alternative lifestyles” (ugh I hate that term): meditation, circus arts, dance, street art, social justice, etc.

Online, check out the website Meetup.com and potentially the local subreddit for whatever area you’ll be in. 

Good luck! I know this frustration very well, and it can be so painful and isolating. But keep at it, and you’ll find your people!