I have been married for 15 years, and we have a special needs son. In July, I discovered he was in an S&M relationship with another woman which he is identifying as polygamous. He wants me to continue our relationship with him. I refuse. We live in the same home, and he becomes angry and aggressive when I say polyamory is not for me. He is free to go with the other woman. How do I get him to leave me alone? If I don't hug and kiss him, he goes ballistic. Please help me say the right words.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. What this man did was a violation of your marriage and of you, and he continues to behave in ways that are unacceptable and abusive. No one has a right to demand that you be in a relationship with them or to hug and kiss them. No one.
The issue here is not whether you are saying “the right words.” There are no magic, correct words that will make him realize he is out of line and suddenly start acting appropriately. His choices are neither your fault nor your responsibility.
It sounds like you’ve made your choice, and you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. You don’t want to hug or kiss him, you feel that he is “free to go with the other woman,” and you never once used words like “husband” or “partner” in your letter. However, it sounds like he is trying to use “angry and aggressive” behavior to force you to stay in a sexual/romantic relationship with him. That is dangerous, and behaviors like that can escalate quickly and violently.
I think you should take your son and go. Stay with a friend or a family member and start accessing resources that can help you end this marriage. Depending on your son’s special needs, your family may be eligible for assistance like respite care, legal advocacy, and other low-cost services. If he is currently receiving therapy or special education services at school, you may be able to connect with an advocate or social worker there. You can also reach out to legal clinics, domestic violence shelters, and other organizations in your area for help extricating yourself safely from the marriage.
Best of luck, and again, I am so sorry.