One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when she's anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where we're just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer we're together, the harder I'm finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so I'm often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).
This isn't something she's asked me to do, and when I've brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that I'm not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when she's feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because she's tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isn't actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic haven't been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying she's a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.
How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I don't want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like I'd rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if she's snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.
Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So I’m not trying to minimize or victim blame here.
However.
Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for what’s going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we ‘can’t help it’ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.
It’s not cool to snap at your partner. It’s not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when we’re anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.
Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel “hyper vigilant.” That’s not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when you’re around your partner. Period.
I understand that you want to be someone she can be “comfortable” with and not feel the pressure to “bottle up” or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesn’t sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like she’s meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.
It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and it’s not fair. You’re putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.
Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like she’s actually trying (whether or not she’s being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between “I feel anxious” and “I feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.” Your job here is to develop some “vibe shields” that can reduce your “absorbency.”
Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partner’s anxiety and you shouldn’t be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesn’t want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.
Practice adopting the mindset of “I wish unsubscribe from this material” or “This is not my department.” Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.
Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energy and doing your best not to take on her emotions - then you’ll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem can’t be resolved between you two, then you’ll need to think about whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship that’s making you feel like this.