My partner takes her anxiety out on me

One of my partners struggles with anxiety. She experiences irritability as a sign of her anxiety. This often means that in situations when she's anxious she will snap at me or say rude things, and sometimes means there are several hours where we're just sitting in the tension - something that sometimes triggers my own anxiety. The longer we're together, the harder I'm finding it. I find myself being hyper vigilant to try and make sure nothing triggers her (e.g. she gets anxious when plans are derailed or something goes wrong, so I'm often catching myself trying to pre-prepare to the nth degree all the time).

This isn't something she's asked me to do, and when I've brought it up as a topic of conversation she has reassured me that I'm not responsible for her anxiety, which I can then reassure myself when she's feeling anxious moments (i.e., reminding myself that just because she's tense/irritable/snapping at me, it isn't actually to do with me). But otherwise, our conversations around the topic haven't been very productive. Quite often conversations end up with her saying she's a bad girlfriend or a bitch because of her anxiety, which puts me in a position where all I can do is comfort her.

How can I bring the topic up in a way that shows I want to be there and support her, but I also have my own difficulties during these times? I don't want to make her even more anxious in these moments that she might be upsetting me, like I'd rather she had someone she could be comfortable with even if she's snapping at me than she keeps it all bottled up.

Anxiety is a very real condition, and it can be debilitating. I myself deal with serious anxiety. So I’m not trying to minimize or victim blame here.

However.

Having a diagnosis of a mental illness is supposed to be a tool to help us feel better and do better, because now we have a name for what’s going on, and we know what sorts of things work to help address the issue. They are not free passes to fully explain and excuse behavior because we ‘can’t help it’ or because it has a DSM-recognized label.

It’s not cool to snap at your partner. It’s not cool to be rude to your partner. We all do this sometimes, especially when we’re anxious or distracted or under pressure or otherwise feeling irritable. However, as adults in relationships, we should take steps to apologize and address the issue when it happens, and to reduce the frequency with which this happens.

Your partner should not be treating you like this to the point where you feel “hyper vigilant.” That’s not okay. You deserve to feel calm, safe, happy, and respected when you’re around your partner. Period.

I understand that you want to be someone she can be “comfortable” with and not feel the pressure to “bottle up” or otherwise mask the symptoms of her mental illness. That is a good goal to have in a relationship! However, snapping or being rude to you doesn’t sound like it actually helps reduce her anxiety, nor does it sound like she’s meeting you halfway and doing work on her part to minimize the amount that she dumps her anxious negativity onto you.

It sounds like when you ask her to try and cool it with this behavior, she gets ashamed and defensive. That makes it hard for you to have a healthy conversation about it, and it’s not fair. You’re putting in the emotional effort to ride out her challenging behaviors, and she needs to also put in the emotional work to address this ongoing pattern. If anxiety is the cause, then she needs to work on her anxiety. She needs to do her work and see a therapist, do some workbooks or online courses, take up some healthy practices, consider trying out medication, and find other outlets for her irritability besides you.

Also, you need to find a way to let go of feeling responsibility for her anxiety. It sounds like she’s actually trying (whether or not she’s being successful) to not make it your problem. There is a big difference between “I feel anxious” and “I feel anxious, YOU NEED TO FIX IT.” Your job here is to develop some “vibe shields” that can reduce your “absorbency.”

Sometimes something is just not your problem and not actionable for you. You cannot solve your partner’s anxiety and you shouldn’t be expected to. Take her at her word that she doesn’t want you to get all wrapped up in it, and that her snapping at you is not her demanding that you take it upon yourself to start addressing it.

Practice adopting the mindset of “I wish unsubscribe from this material” or “This is not my department.” Sometimes I literally picture a garage door type of thing sliding down over my mind and body, blocking the energies that someone else is putting out. Sometimes I just literally leave the space or find something else to focus on. You need to find the practice that works for you.

Once you start trying those two things - asking her to manage her energy and doing your best not to take on her emotions - then you’ll need to reassess whether those things are working. If it turns out that this problem can’t be resolved between you two, then you’ll need to think about whether you’re willing to stay in a relationship that’s making you feel like this.

I have a lot of relationship anxiety, and nothing I try is soothing it

as of about 5 months ago, I entered into a poly relationship with my best friend and her boyfriend. Since starting the relationship, we've agreed to become a triad, so her boyfriend is now also my partner.

I'm basically really struggling with relationship anxiety. I'm trying to be quite proactive about it both with myself - journalling, practicing mindfulness, using CBT to interrupt harmful thought patterns - and with both of them - telling them how I feel, when I'm anxious, what I need when I need it. But I still get this feeling like I'm going to be feeling anxious forever? It's hard finding advice online that relates to specifically poly relationships.

This isn't my first poly relationship, and it's weird because in my previous one I didn't get any of this anxiety. I think, strangely, it might be because this one is actually healthier than the last? We have scheduled meetings, we discuss the relationship often, which I never have before. Although I know it's good and valuable, sometimes bringing up something I need or have been thinking about fills me with dread. I do try and push through that, in a kind of exposure therapy way, but I feel bad because every time I bring something up I end up crying. I know it's important to work through that, but often these situations just compound on my anxiety in the heat of the moment - not only am I anxious about whatever I'm bringing up, but also anxious about myself crying and perhaps making my partners feel guilty about whatever I'm asking for, perhaps forcing themselves into something they don't want.

I trust both my partners and one of the mantras I come back to again and again is that if there was something wrong they would tell me. And that it's not all my responsibility to make this relationship work - all I can do is be honest about how I'm feeling and trust they will be too. But at times the anxiety feels really all-consuming and I get this feeling like it's kind of ruining the relationship.

I suppose my question, after all of this, is whether anyone else has any experience with relationship anxiety within poly relationships? Does it get better? I feel like I'm flying blind. And although I know I can talk to my partners about it, and I do, I think I’m feeling a need for a space or conversation outside of the relationship because of what I mentioned before about compounded anxiety.

There’s a lot of advice out there about how anxiety is made worse by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, and there’s also a lot of advice out there that says you should bring things up with your partners and talk through them in order to resolve problems like this.

It sounds like you’ve been getting, and taking, a lot of that advice, so I won’t repeat it here. I do want to give you MAJOR kudos for doing all this self-work, for not letting your anxiety hold you back from important relationship conversations, for using CBT and mindfulness and all those other tools. Definitely keep doing that, and be proud of yourself for doing it!

At the same time, there is such thing as “too much of a good thing.” In some cases, an over-emphasis on “processing” and “talking things out” can make a problem worse rather than better. It’s possible that having scheduled meetings and feeling like you need to hash out and give voice to every single negative emotion is causing you to ruminate on them more than necessary. Sometimes it’s okay to just let feelings and experiences pass without giving language to them, constructing a narrative around them, and seeking solutions or reassurance or validation after the fact.

So, if you think it would help, consider scaling back on all these conversations - not because you are indulging your anxiety, but just because they might not be all that necessary. See what it’s like to just let the relationship be what it is, and bring things up organically as you feel they need to be addressed rather than scheduling meetings. (If you think this advice is off base, feel free to ignore it!)

Also, one key thing to note that if you are dealing with this sort of chronic, long-term anxiety that doesn’t seem to go away even when you’re doing everything right - engaging in healthy behaviors, cultivating healthy relationships - that is exactly the sort of situation that medication was meant for! You might not be able to Mantra and Mindfulness your way out of this, nor do you have to. This might not be an issue with polyamory or your relationships at all, and you can find support outside of focusing on How To Be Better At Polyamory By Brute Force. Consider working with a mental healthcare professional to find ways to make things easier on yourself.

If you find yourself crying during hard conversations, but you don’t want your partners to focus on your crying and feel like it distracts from the issue you’re trying to discuss, you can also write them letters or emails to express things. That way you can say what you want to say without having to worry about managing your emotional reactions. A lot of people emphasize the importance of “face to face” conversations, but it sounds like these scheduled meetings and frequent emotional check-ins are making things harder, not easier, for you. See if it works for you and your partners to chat more casually over a text-based platform or for you to share writing with them that expresses how you feel.

Another piece of advice I have is, if you are going to keep having these structured discussions, try to set goals or intentions for the conversation going forward. If you’re not asking them to change anything about their behavior, but you just want to share your feelings and be heard, state that up front. If you are asking a specific question you want an honest answer for, or if you are bringing up a problem you want to find a solution for, let them know. Don’t just set aside an hour to talk about feelings and relationship stuff, and then spiral around and around. I’ve seen this happen a LOT, and even with the best of intentions, it tends to cause more problems than it solves.

Finally, you asked if anyone has experience with this and whether it gets better: I can only speak for myself, but I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder (a pretty severe case, too) and I can tell you that, yes, this type of anxiety is possible to manage. It is not, however, fully manageable or treatable by focusing on it in lots of relationship conversations. Sometimes, paradoxically, the harder you try to solve a problem like this, the worse it gets. You also need some distractions, self-soothing techniques, and just fun quality time with yourself and your partners. You might also need therapy (not focused on your relationship, but for anxiety management in general) and medication.

As for finding places to talk about this outside of your partners, that’s a great idea - a place to vent, process, ask questions, etc. without placing extra demands on the relationship. I’d recommend checking out some online spaces for polyamorous people (you can find some here.) However, know that anxious or negative thoughts can be reinforced by going over them multiple times, describing them, sharing them with others, etc. So be very careful about how you spend your time in these communities. Are you mostly expressing your painful thoughts, hanging out in the “vent” channels, and giving language to your anxiety? Or are you seeking friendship, connection, and advice?

In general, my advice is to try and let go of your anxiety-about-your-anxiety. Stop treating it like a problem that can be solved with more time, more attention, and more work. Lean in to the things that make you happy in this relationship, and know that you don’t have to ‘address’ every anxious feeling. Find ways to make these relationship conversations easier for yourself (set intentions, do things in writing, scale back on them) and trust your future self to handle things as they arise.

How do I stay relaxed through the early stages of new polyamory?

Hi there! My partner and I are in our first truly poly relationships, but emphasis on "first". Firsts are scary. I know I want to do this, I'm just worried about jealousy feels. We have great communication and I feel good about things, I'm just new to this. What can I do to be more relaxed when I know my partner is hanging out with someone they're interested in?

One “thought exercise” I often recommend to people is to imagine yourself in your partner’s situation. You’re out on a date, with a new person. They’re cool and funny and cute! Are you thinking “boy howdy, this person is so great, it’s making me completely question my affection for my current partner! I’m totally dreading going home to this person I used to like but now, after this date, definitely don’t like anymore!”

Probably not. (And if you anticipate this thought pattern in your partner because you see it in yourself, consider that you may not be ready for healthy polyamory right now!) If you have the capacity to like and date other people without your desires for your current partner being threatened, it’s not a very big leap to assume that your partner can also do that!

Other things you can do to be more relaxed: find a distraction! Plan your own movie night with friends, or video-game marathon, or whatever else, when your partner is going out with people. Don’t be sitting at home letting your anxieties run wild about what they’re doing and feeling and thinking, out there, without you, and when are they coming home??? Do something fun and engaging that helps remind that little anxious part of your brain that you are a complete and independent person, capable of finding joy without your partner’s involvement.

One thing I don’t recommend is relying on rigid rules or structure to help yourself relax. If you say “I’ll feel secure if you text me every hour on the hour during your date AND you come home before midnight AND you never go past kissing on a first date,” then you’re setting yourself up to feel stressed out and agonizing over every hour-mark; and you will feel betrayed and unsafe if your partner misses a text or the date goes in a different direction than they expected. If you put out there for yourself that “if XYZ happens, I’ll be BETRAYED,” then you just established a condition under which you can feel let down and betrayed, and now it’s possible that it could happen, and it’ll be a huge mess. People don’t work well under conditions like that; nor do relationships. Don’t set that up for yourself.

My partner's partners say they're okay with our relationship, but I still worry that they're not

So first off I’m really new to the poly world i feel as though it is something that’s right for me but I don’t really know that much about it. I’m in a relationship with a married woman who’s a mom of two kids, to the kids I’m their aunt, and I love that part. But what I do need advice on is how to act around her husband and boyfriend (we’re all friends we hang out at her place as a group pretty often but I’m not into men so I’m not ok with like making it a group thing and they all get that) but I’m always kinda nervous when she kisses me around them or anything like that. I know they don’t mind, every time they see us cuddling they just say we are super cute and make awing noises so i don’t understand the nerves...any advice?

First off, congrats for finding a healthy, sweet, fun polyamorous relationship! The issue here comes down to one of trust. Even though your partner’s husband and boyfriend say that they’re totally fine with your relationship, and even seeing physical affection between you and your partner, it sounds like you don’t entirely trust that they’re being honest here.

And that’s perfectly understandable - lots of us have been in situations where someone says they are “fine” with something, but they really aren’t, and we’re expected to psychically figure that out and address it, and are often emotionally or socially punished for not doing so. If this is a dynamic that has been present in your family, or in previous relationships or friendships, you may be feeling like this is all a trap and eventually the false okay-ness will give way to anger, alienation, and accusations.

But, it’s not! It won’t! It sounds like these people have their act together, and it’s okay to let your guard down and trust them. If they are welcoming, let yourself be welcomed. If they are comfortable, let yourself relax. It’s okay to ask for a little extra validation - check in with your partner and say “hey, since this is all new to me, sometimes I worry that your other partners aren’t okay with me being around.” If she reassures you that everything is fine, trust her! It is okay to trust her.

If there is something that they do or say that makes you feel like their “aww”s and their friendship is less-than-sincere, bring that up. If you feel comfortable, you can also just pull one aside and have an upbeat check-in: “hey, since I’m pretty new at this, I just wanted to check in and make sure everything is going well - you seem like you’re all okay with our dynamic, but sometimes I need to just hear it straight and clear. We good?” And, again, if they reassure you that it’s all good, let yourself believe them.

This is the kind of thing that gets easier with practice - the longer you’re around, the more opportunities they’ll have to prove to you that you are welcome, that you’re not under some kind of emotional microscope, and that you won’t be punished for letting your guard down and taking them at their word. If this is the kind of thing you have an especially hard time with because of previous unhealthy experiences, it’s also worth considering therapy to work out some of that internalized sense that you’re always responsible for other people’s feelings even if they aren’t being clear about what that means.

I met this guy on OKC and we had a very intense emotional connection and messaged every day and talked about really deep stuff but when we finally met in person I found that I wasn’t attracted to him. I felt awful. I knew he was still attracted to me and all i ended up feeling was anxious. I had a 2 day long anxiety attack and am riddled with guilt because even though he is a great person I just am not attracted to him romantically and I feel awful about it. got any advice or encouragement? Of course I admitted to him that I wasn’t attracted to him but I was really into him before we met so I know even though he was understanding he was also confused. I feel so shallow but I just wasn’t attracted to him physically when we met and I tried to deny it but in the end I know how I feel and despite our deep emotional connection I am just not attracted to him and I just feel so guilty about it. I’m not sure how to calm down. My guilt based anxiety keeps coming in waves because of it.

You are not obligated to be sexually or romantically interested in anyone. Ever. No matter how you met. No matter how well you connect in other areas. Period. End of story.

It can be really frustrating to connect emotionally with someone over messages, then realize that you aren’t physically or sexually into them. I think it’s unfair that our culture conflates those feelings - there are people I have spectacular sexual chemistry with who I don’t click with emotionally; and there are people who meet my emotional and intellectual needs on a deep level, but I don’t want to sleep with them. One thing polyamory and relationship anarchy have helped me do is find the space and the language for different kinds of relationships.

It’s okay to tell this guy that you really enjoy your conversations and would love the opportunity to pursue a friendship based on your connection, but that you aren’t interested in a sexual or romantic relationship. It’s okay for him to say no - he might see online dating exclusively as a way to meet people for sexual/romantic connections. But he might say yes! Either way, neither of you have done anything morally or ethically wrong, you’re just being honest about what you want and whether you can provide what the other person wants.

If this is creating a serious issue for you, it’s okay to take steps to mitigate this in the future. You can take a break from online dating while you work through the underlying causes of this severe anxiety (more on that below). Or, you can add a note to your OKC profile saying that it’s possible for you to meet someone there and discover that you’re better suited to be friends, and that you don’t expect or demand that every OKC connection turns into a sexual/romantic connection. We don’t assume that everyone we get along with well who we meet through work or mutual friends must become a sexual/romantic connection, so we don’t have to make that assumption about OKC as a way to meet people either.

Finally: a two-day-long anxiety attack and continued waves of guilt and anxiety over a social situation like this is not normal, and you deserve help for this. You can get help learning how to set boundaries, identify and meet your own needs, and say no. I don’t know if you identify as female and/or were socialized female, but this is a really common source of pressure and guilt for women and people socialized as women. The world likes to act like we owe men our attention and affection, and like we’re shallow and cruel if we don’t return their sexual interest. That’s garbage, and it’s a lie designed to control us. It can be really hard to find healing and learn to let go of this shame that’s been pressured into us for our entire lives, but there are lots of therapists who specialize in issues like this. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.

So I’m in a relationship with 2 people. A guy and a girl, and I’ve been having trouble. I can’t help but feel like they both might leave me for each other or fall out of love with me all together. I have anxiety and I know they don’t like it and they want to help me, and I care for them both deeply but I’m still afraid that they’re just gonna get sick of me and leave. This is the first poly relationship I’ve had and it’s been giving me anxiety. I saw the advice and thought I might ask for help.

Are there specific things these two people do that spike your anxiety or make this fear seem founded? Are they a pre-existing couple who act in ways that privilege their couple-ness and make it clear that they’ll protect their relationship at the expense of what they have with you? If so, you need to talk to them about your position in this relationship, the kind of security you need, and figure out whether this is healthy for you to stay in.

If not - if your fears are unfounded and coming from inside your head rather than rational conclusions based on evidence - then you need to get help for those patterns of anxiety. These kinds of stubborn fears or convictions that you know other people secretly hate you or are planning to leave you are relatively common, especially in people with mental illnesses (though you can suffer from thoughts and feelings like these without having a diagnosable mental illness.)

Fortunately, since they are common as far as mental health issues go, there are lots of methods of treating them. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to learn to recognize and battle unhealthy thoughts. One aspect of CBT that I like is working through evidence for and against a thought. Ask yourself:

  • What thought am I having?
  • What evidence do I have that supports this?
  • What evidence do I have that contradicts this?
  • What would the world be like if this thought was true?
  • Is that a world I want to live in?
  • How can I challenge or let go of this thought?

There are lots of books, workbooks, apps, and other self-help guides out there, and it’s always great to work with a professional who can help you as well. Remember that you are not psychic, and feelings are not facts - whatever your brain is telling you about another person’s thoughts or motives is coming from inside you, and it may not be completely true.

It’s hard, because we’d like to be able to believe our thoughts and assume that our perceptions are based on unbiased observations, but that’s not always the case! Some people find it helpful to personify the ‘bad thoughts’ to get some distance from them - picturing a nasty little monster on your shoulder whispering in your ear they secretly hate you, you mean less to them than they do to each other, you are not secure in this relationship so you can look at it and say “you’re a gross liar, shut up and leave me alone.”

Some resources:

I love my previously mono hubby but he has never been a very emotional/physical person and isn’t very open to changes. My bf however is very emotional and physical. Well recently my H has started to talk to people a little (one girl in particular) just as friends for now but he “might want to date someone in future”. And i admit I am jealous and confused. I am worried he will give this other girl what I wanted from him for a long time but accepted he couldn’t give me and he will leave me. I know it is hypocritical. But it makes me feel inadequate to think that he could give to someone else what i wanted. It makes me feel like saying ok i will be mono so i don’t have to see that happen…but then, i love my bf and he loves me so no. This feels so complicated. I feel like i’m constantly having an anxiety attack and have started taking my panic meds daily instead of like 2x a month like i used to. Please help

The first thing you should do is see the doctor who prescribed your medication for panic attacks. Suddenly increasing your dose like that, and experiencing your symptoms with such a new intensity, is something you deserve help and support with. Even though you know what’s going on in your life to spike your anxiety, mental health issues are nothing to mess around with.

Second, it sounds like there are a few issues here. One is that there is something your husband isn’t giving you, but you never specify what that is. It might be worth taking another crack at explaining to your husband that he’s not meeting your needs, and working with him to figure out a change that works better for both of you.

The other issue is that you’re worried that your husband will suddenly find himself emotionally and physically capable of providing for his new girlfriend what he can’t provide for you, and that he’ll realize he wants to leave you for her. All I can say to that is: you’re not psychic, and you can’t predict the future. All we have is the present, and you’ve always been able to handle that. Try to let yourself “cross that bridge when you come to it,” and not worry about things that haven’t happened yet. 

I know “don’t worry about the future” is easier said than done, especially for someone who deals with anxiety severe enough to be treated with medications. But I’d encourage you to work on it with a therapist, try some CBT strategies, and when all else fails, remember this Welcome to Night Vale quote that really helps me:

The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present. This now, this us, we can cope with that.