My play partner hooked up with my ex, and now I feel unsafe

We are both poly, I’ve played with him on and off for years. He *was* my safe person, now he’s started playing with my ex who was very toxic for me. I’m hurt that he is seemingly throwing away my trust for someone he is not really into (he’s told me before she’s crazy). His Primary is my best friend, and we all live together. I don’t feel safe anymore around him, he feels tainted now. What do I do?

The concept of “safety” has gotten really twisted lately, and I would encourage you to do your best to untwist it.

There is no such thing as someone being “your safe person.” People are people, and they are independent, complicated, and fallible. It’s important for people to behave in ways that facilitate safety for others, but having a relational role in your life that you refer to as “my safe person” is not accurate, fair, or healthy.

Also, “feeling unsafe” and “being unsafe” are not the same thing. You say that you “don’t feel safe around him” and that he “feels tainted,” but can you articulate what, exactly, makes you less safe now that he has chosen to play with your ex? Was your ex a dangerous stalker who now knows where you live? Is he pressuring you to reconcile with her? Or is he just engaging with someone you don’t like?

You can feel uncomfortable about his choices, or disagree with them, or even wish he hadn’t made them - but none of that puts you at genuine risk. I personally don’t eat pre-cut melon, because the risk of salmonella squicks me out, but if someone else eats pre-cut melon, that’s not my problem. It might make me feel a little disgust or disapproval when I see it, but it does not actually impact my own health and safety.

Seeing people as “tainted” is also not healthy or meaningful, and you may need to reconsider how you manage your own emotions and perceptions. You have issues with this ex, but he does not have the same history of pain and toxic encounters with her. He is allowed to make his own choices, and they don’t have anything to do with you. He did not do this “to” you or “at” you.

That said, if you explicitly said to him: “I don’t want to play with anyone who is also playing with her,” and he made the choice to play with her, then you have clear information about whether he is willing to abide by your boundaries. You can certainly choose not to be involved with anyone who is involved with her, but that is YOUR choice, not something he is doing TO you. If you are too uncomfortable to continue playing with him, that’s fine! But it’s not because he has made himself inherently unsafe or “tainted,” it’s because you are responsible for your own relationship choices.

My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

I've been flirting with someone and we've discussed dating, but he hasn't told his girlfriend

My partner is fine with me dating my crush, but my crush hasn’t told his gf he’s poly. He’s continuing to flirt with me while also delaying talking to her. I’m trying really hard to get him to talk to his gf cause he’s being a dick to both of us by not telling her, I’m tired of being his secret, and I don’t want his gf getting hurt. So I guess I have two questions: 1. Am I also an asshole in this situation, for letting things get this far? 2. How do I get outta this mess?

I don’t think you’re an asshole - it sounds like you were acting in good faith, expecting that he’s going to talk to his girlfriend about permission to date you. And now that things have gone this far, you’re realizing that they shouldn’t go farther without her consent.

Let him know that you’re no longer comfortable with things as they stand, and you feel dangerously close to being complicit in his choice to cheat on his girlfriend. Tell him that everything between you two needs to halt immediately and can only resume once she’s fully informed and on board.

My partner and I are fluid bonded and use barriers with other people - but the condom came off

Are my feelings normal and am I forgetting any precautions in place? Context: My NP & I are fluid bonded. There is a barrier rule when engaging with other partners. Upon returning from an overnight date she confessed that the condom came off at the end of her partner's ejaculation. She says most of it looked as though it was in the condom when it was removed. I am feeling scared, hurt, and sad and until her partner is tested we are abstaining from penetration with each other.

It doesn’t entirely matter whether feelings are “normal,” you’re having them, and that’s that. In this situation, it sounds like everyone did everything correctly: your partner honored the barrier rule, and when an accident happened, she told you about it. If you can, try to make room for gratitude and happiness that your relationship and communication are strong enough that this is being handled so well.

Accidents happen. Condoms slip off. It’s a known risk of sex with barrier protection. Usually, it’s not a crisis. Getting tested is a smart step, and if your partner can get pregnant, she should also take a pregnancy test. It’s unlikely that this is going to be the end of the world - in the absolute worst case scenario, if an STI was transmitted, the most common ones are very treatable if not curable. Try to relax! No amount of rules or negotiation can prevent problems from occurring, and when they do, all you can do is manage them together.

I hear that you’re feeling hurt and sad, but remember that no one did anything to you or at you. You were not betrayed or lied to, and it was just an accident that the condom came off. It sounds like being fluid-bonded with your partner is emotionally significant to you, and it might feel like an important part of your relationship has been ‘threatened’ or ‘damaged’ - but, in reality, the terms of your relationship remain intact. I answered another question here about how fluid bonding can be a stand-in for other things, and how it can be important to parse out what fluid bonding means to you.

Feel your feelings, but remember to keep things in perspective. Your partner may also be feeling scared (she’s the one at risk for an STI or potential pregnancy), or ashamed, or any number of things. Or, she may not feel like this is a big deal, which could be jarring to you. Be there for each other and treat this like a small storm to weather together rather than a rift between you two.

I'm dating a guy who uses BDSM to try and force relationship terms that don't work for me

My partner and I love each other and are each other’s primaries. We are also open, which came with a lot of jealousy for me in the beginning. But I decided to deal with it, because I am poly and I know that all my fears and jealousy are not because of him, but my insecurities. Now that he fell in love he has gotten a lot more committed but also jealous, almost possessive, wanting OPP. Because he said he does not trust other men, that I am his girl and if I do sexual stuff with other guys we might still see each other but our relationship won’t have a sexual touch anymore. I for my part have not have sex with other people yet and am in general a lot less experienced than him. He for his part has had quite a few sexual encounters with girls since we are seeing each other, which he told me about. It makes me angry to know that I cope with my jealousy but he does not seem willing to do so. A monogamous relationship, which he seems to want by now, is the only option besides him seeing other people and me not (which is not an option), and although I kind of like the thought I fear that monogamy is not something that will make me happy, because I know the insecurities have nothing to do with the relationship style but the person. Then we are also in a d/s dynamic, which makes me submit to him also in this wish. I don’t know what to do, I am thinking about temporary monogamy to give it a try, but he s already jealous about other men touching me and I want to gather new experiences in my local BDSM community, which do not have to include sex but playing and rope, for example. Do you have any tips on what I could do and how I might know monogamy might be an option for me? Do you think his behavior is unhealthy or is it just the typical "monogamistic behavior"?

My advice to you is to RUN AWAY from this guy and DO NOT LOOK BACK. He is throwing up red flags left and right, here! If he can see other women without it threatening your relationship, then there is no logic that means you would be threatening the relationship by seeing other men. He is being jealous and possessive, full stop.

The fact that he is much more experienced than you doesn’t mean that you have to take his word on things. Some of your language here, like insisting that your discomfort is 100% your department and doesn’t entitle you to ask anything of him, sounds like he’s been manipulating you. Especially since, apparently, his discomfort creates obligations for you.

Being in a D/s relationship does NOT mean that you need to submit to your partner’s wishes on everything, and it should NOT be relevant when it comes to negotiating relationship terms like this. That is a fantasy, a roleplay, and you ALWAYS have the right to step out of that fantasy and discuss things on equal terms. If he is saying that your BDSM play means you have less of a say in the relationship, that is a perversion of healthy BDSM and borders on using BDSM to mask abuse. RUN.

If you don’t want to be monogamous, do not be monogamous! Especially not with this guy! If you want to explore more within your local BDSM scene, you absolutely should have the freedom to do so. Don’t get stuck in a relationship with this guy that is limiting and unfulfilling. I don’t think he sounds like a healthy person to date, either monogamously or polyamorously.

I strongly encourage you to reach out to leaders in your local community who you trust - they can give you some clear advice about the crap this guy is trying to sell you, and help surround you with healthier people. You may also find that this guy is known for his patterns of bad behavior within the scene. This is not what BDSM is supposed to look or feel like, and there are people who have navigated these waters before and can support you.

What if I just don't like my partner's new partner?

What is the etiquette when you don't like your long-term partner's new partner? My girlfriend just got a new girlfriend and she's not a bad person or anything, just not the kind of person I get on with. Should I talk to my girlfriend about it and potentially stress her out a lot, or just leave it?

It’s totally fine to just not click, personally, with a metamour. The etiquette is about the same as when you dislike someone you work with, or someone a family member is dating - be as civil and polite as possible, don’t create unnecessary gossip or drama, and don’t overextend your capabilities.

Politely decline invitations to hang out solo with her, find ways to occupy yourself when she’s around, and don’t try to force yourself to like her. Be careful about ‘stewing’ on things about her you don’t like, and try to remain as neutral as possible. Not everyone in the world is going to be someone you get along with well, and that’s totally fine!

I don’t think you ought to tell your girlfriend you flat out don’t like her new partner, but be gently honest about it when it comes up. If she invites you on a three day camping trip with her and Baldurina, you might say “I think that would be a lot of time for me to spend with her - but you two should go and have a good time!”

My friend knows I have a crush on her, and jokes about dating me, and I'm not sure how serious she is

My friend knows I and other mutual friends have a crush on her. She says she’s polyamorous and makes jokes about having some us as partners. I know she’s only joking and I don’t have anything against her but when she jokes about it, I feel like there’s some desire but I ultimately believe she’s only joking. How should I go about handling this? It’s so confusing, you know?

In my opinion, you know someone has a crush on you and you tease them about it by joking as if you want to date them, but you don’t mean it, that’s very rude and borderline cruel. But it’s possible there’s something else going on. You say you “know” and “ultimately believe” she’s only joking, but then that there might be “some desire” behind her jokes.

Often, people use jokes to test the waters or explore something you’re not ready to fully jump into yet. It sounds like she might actually be interested in dating you, but isn’t sure how to have that conversation or manage those feelings, so she resorts to this kind of push-pull of saying something she isn’t sure whether she really means and hiding it behind layers of irony and humor. That’s pretty common, and it’s understandable, but it can also be really hurtful!

If I were you, I’d bring it up with her, not as an accusation or a confrontation, but as a real, honest, vulnerable conversation where you’re removing the pretense of all the goofing around. “Hey, Antrabella, you often say that you’re polyamorous and talk about dating me or Constancio. I know you act like it’s just jokes, but I do actually like you, and would be interested in trying something out! If there’s feeling behind those jokes, can we talk about what that might mean and look like? And if you really don’t mean it, could you please stop joking about it, because it makes me feel uncomfortable, since I don’t know whether to take you seriously?”

If she responds by acting defensive, insisting that you should “take a joke” and that her behavior is totally fine, or if she denies making that kind of joke, then I think you should take some distance from this friendship. But if she responds by either saying “actually, yeah, I think there is something there, let’s talk about it” or “omg, sorry, I didn’t realize how confusing I was being - I don’t actually feel that way and I’ll stop teasing like I do,” then there’s your answer!

Some FAQ-answerable questions

Hello! I just need help finding the tag for where it explains what poly is. I know a little bit like enough to explain it but I’d like to have a link to go into more detail for those who want/need it. Please and thank you! (also I’m really sorry you have a lot of tags I can’t find the one I need in particular)

I use tags more for SEO and tumblr promotion and less for content finding. You’d be better served checking my FAQ page about general polyamory resources. You can also google “what is polyamory?” and find lots of resources that will meet your needs!

Sorry to bother you, but I sent an ask to your website nearly a month ago about being a polyam teen and it hasn’t been answered. Is this because you have a long queue or did you just not get my question?

Here’s my FAQ page about that.

I might be poly. I find myself reading and seeking out more poly fics than mono ones? how do i know if i'm, poly? What does being poly mean?

Here’s my FAQ page about this!

A polyamorous person has been flirting with me, but I don't really know what that means

So there's this girl that I thought was flirting with me and she asked for my snapchat. She kept mentioning partners so I asked her what she meant by that and she said she was in a poly relationship with a man and woman who she loves with all her heart. I'm totally fine with all this, but I have no real experience with polyamory. If she is already dating (and kind of living with) 2 people, what does that mean for me? I'm not working this very well, but any advice you could give would be great!

I don’t know - but you know who does? Her! She knows what her relationships are like, and what she’s looking for in a new partner. Your best bet is to ask her: I’m interested in you, but what would it mean for me? What do you want, and what don’t you want, from a new partner? If you started dating someone new right now, what would that look like for you, and for them? What boundaries do you have around dating people? What are your current relationships like? How did they start?

It’s possible that both of her “love with all my heart” partners started out as flirting on Snapchat, and she’s interested in dating someone to see if things move toward becoming significant, committed partners. It’s also possible that she feels “at capacity” for that kind of relationship and wants something more permanently casual. It’s possible that she rejects the binary I just set up and has a completely different best-case set of desires! Express your interest and open up that conversation. If there’s one thing we polyam folks love, it’s open communication. Best of luck!

I'm dating polyamorously, but my parents are threatening to torch our relationship if I visit my partner

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a polyamorous married man. I've known him for years and he's my best friend, and we've been dating for almost six months now, and we're both incredible happy with each other and his wife is happy for us. When I told my parents about it, I knew they wouldn't understand, but I wasn't prepared for how much they would personally offended by it. They tell me it's wrong, that I'm setting myself up to be hurt, and that I should listen to them if I respect them. Despite being a good daughter who's never gotten into trouble and is doing well in college, my father says he would be ashamed of me for my relationship- and that hurts incredibly deeply to hear from him. No matter how I try to explain how polyamory works to them, they always say that it's not right "for me" because I'm "their daughter." My problem is that I'm 20 years old and still living with my parents while I'm in college, and I desperately want to visit my boyfriend who lives 3 hours away (using my own money)-- but my parents tell me that if I visit him knowing how much they disapprove, that I will be severely damaging our relationship and that there will be consequences. What do you think I should do?

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation - that’s so painful and isolating.

I am perhaps on the extreme side of things when it comes to this type of conflict, so I will try to be both honest about my own position while empathizing with yours. I firmly believe that we as individuals have the right, and in fact the obligation to ourselves, to reject any nonsense from our families that threatens our well-being. You should live your full and honest truth, do what is happy and healthy for you, and if other people are upset about it, they are free to be upset about it. Sharing DNA with someone doesn’t mean that you need to care what they think more than you’d care about anyone else; nor that you’re beholden to whatever assumptions and expectations they have.

Your boyfriend is someone you chose to be in your life, someone who meets you where you are, and makes you feel happy and understood. Your parents are people who you did not choose, and who are being manipulative and hurtful. Based on that, I’d say prioritize your relationship with your boyfriend. If I were you, I’d go see my partner, and let the chips fall where they may. I would also start taking steps to make it financially feasible to move out from under the roof of people who are going to be so ignorant and hurtful.

If you don’t feel ready to take steps that would cause such friction with your parents (even though the conflict is their choice; not yours), talk to your boyfriend about this. See how he feels about waiting until you feel more emotionally able to stand up to your parents and do what you want. Let him know what he can do to support you during this painful individuation. Consider seeing a therapist to talk about how you might start the process of grieving the relationship you wish you could have with your family, but might not be able to if you are going to be a healthy, fulfilled, independent adult. Build relationships at college with people you can lean on. Best of luck - this is a difficult period to go through.

I want to be in a polyamorous relationship

I’m jealous of a poly relationship. I wish I was a part of it.

I’m not 100% clear from your wording whether there’s a specific polyamorous relationship you want to be part of, or whether you just want to be in a polyamorous relationship.

If there are people in your life who you want to be in a relationship with, it’s okay to pursue that! Flirt with them, invite them out, identify what you have in common. Ask them out!

If they make (or have made) it clear that you’re not interested, it might be healthy for you to take some distance from a situation that makes you feel jealous or left out. Hang out with them less, find other friendships and hobbies to invest in, unfollow them on social media.

If you’re interested in dating polyamorously even if you don’t get to date specific people, check out my page on finding polyamorous people to date!

My partner's friends are telling her that being polyamorous with me sets her up for hurt and abandonment

I’m married to a man and poly with a woman as well. We just started dating and she said she told her best friends about me and my lifestyle and they freaked! They told her she is going to get hurt and that she should find someone else. I don’t know what to do without having support from the closest people in her life and I don’t want to be seen as a flight risk just because they don’t understand commitment and polyamory. I have no idea how to meet these people eventually without feeling hurt.

This is not actually an actionable problem for you right now. Some people you don’t know, but who know someone you’re close to, are being ignorant. There’s nothing you can do, or should try to do, about that.

Be there for your partner - she’s dealing with the pain of being judged and rejected by her friends. If she asks, help provide her with resources about coming out as polyamorous, or ways she can explain to her friends that what she’s doing is healthy and consensual. But if she doesn’t ask, leave the topic alone. Don’t try to argue with her friends through her.

She may be believing these people, and worrying about the security of your relationship with her. Do what you can to reassure her, through words and actions, that you are safe and committed. Answer her questions when they come up. Don’t get defensive or act like it’s her obligation to either change her friends’ minds, or shut out their opinions completely. Be open, reassuring, and loving.

There is a chance that if these people are adamant enough or close enough to her to be convincing, she could get freaked out and wants to take some distance or leave the relationship, that will be frustrating and painful for you, but even though she’s acting on wrong information that other people are telling her, it’s her choice to make.

Don’t worry so much yet about meeting these friends of hers who you know don’t approve of your place in her life. It doesn’t sound like she’s pushing for that, or like you’re all about to go on a cruise together. If you’re at a social gathering with them, be charming and sweet while keeping enough polite distance to protect your own feelings.

I want to date someone else. My boyfriend seems okay with it, but won't say much.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 years, we've talked about having another person in our relationship (always with a she pronoun). Today I brought up a guy that wanted to take me on a date, and asked him if he was okay with it, all I got was a "well if you want to". I do want to see this new guy but don't want to upset my partner either. What do you think I should do?

It sounds like it’s just you who would be dating this new guy. That means that the third person is not “in your relationship.” There is a new relationship that would form. This is generally called V-shaped or “Vee” polyamory. It’s important to have the right language for what you’re feeling and doing, because that can help you frame it in an accurate way, approach it without assumptions or misunderstandings, and point you to helpful resources.

Polyamory requires open and honest communication. “Well, if you want to” does not qualify. You need to talk to your boyfriend about his best-case and worst-case scenario, as well as yours. What do you want out of this? How do you feel? How does he feel? What might change between you two? What are dealbreakers for each of you? What questions do both of you have?

If he’s not willing or able to have this kind of conversation, then he’s probably not someone able to be in a healthy polyamorous or open relationship.

Some short, FAQ-answerable questions

my significant other recently came out as Poly to me. I understand them but while looking up what it means to be poly I found the term Polygamy I was wondering what it means because all the dictionary and google searches for its meaning say pretty much the same thing that its a marriage between more than two people. While searching I found the term Polygamist and I was wondering are Polygamy and polygamist the same thing? I don't want to offend them and you’re good at explaining stuff like this.

Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing. Polyamory is a way of being in relationships that prioritizes consent, intentionality, and communication. Polygamy is the institution of plural marriage, typically associated with oppressive cults. You can read more about that here. The term you should be searching and reading about is “polyamory” - that should lead you into corners of the internet where you won’t be getting confused. Start with the resources here.

How can I find people who would actually like to be in a poly relationship?

Check my FAQ page on this here!

Hi! I was wondering if we could talk pm!

I’m sorry, but no. You can read about my policy here.

I've sent in several questions over the past year and not seen them answered. Is this a case of Tumblr eating them, or are you just really busy? How long is your queue? I love what you do and don't mean to complain. I'm just wondering.

I answer this here!

I think I might be poly but I'm not sure. As of right now I am happy in a mono relationship, but I do not think I would be opposed to being in a poly relationship. I have had crushes on more then one person at a time and even have one now while in a mono relationship I am happy in. What is your take on this, and do you have any advice on how I could figure this out?

Here’s my FAQ page on this!

My boyfriend got back with his ex, who I think is very bad for him

My boyfriend is poly, he has gotten a new boyfriend recently and he’s dated this boy in the past, he’s broken my boy so many times and apparently he’s gone to relationship counseling to fix himself. My boyfriend insists he has changed after three months of the counseling, they got back together a few days ago. He asked me if I was comfortable with him dating two other people I said this was fine but I didn’t ask who they were and finding out he’s with this guy again upsets me.

There first issue here is that your boyfriend seems to be lying by omission, saying “are you okay with me dating someone?” knowing that your answer will be “yes” in the general case, and neglecting to mention that it was this specific person. You need to make sure there’s an open line of communication between the two of you about your relationship, new partners, and concerns either of you have. If this is a pattern, you need to figure out whether he’s being evasive because he feels unsafe being honest with you, or just to avoid an unpleasant conversation, or what.

You can’t change your boyfriend’s mind about dating this person - but you can control how you respond to it. You can decide that this person is just not someone you want to be polyamorously connected to, and choose to leave the relationship if it means having him as a metamour. You could decide that you’re not willing to discuss this person with your boyfriend, and that includes advice, comfort, venting, anything. You could decide that you don’t want to be around this person. But all of those are your choices, based on the information you have: that your boyfriend is going to date this person, despite your objections.

Consider also checking your language: you say he has “broken” “your” boy, and that might signal some extremity in your perspective. Your boyfriend has not been “broken” - it’s pretty difficult to actually “break” a person - he may have been hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Using clear, specific terms for feelings helps us address them better. And he is not “your boy” - he is his own person, and his relationships with other people are mostly his business. I don’t doubt you that this person is emotionally dangerous, but don’t make it worse with language that frames your reaction in extreme terms that make things harder, not easier, to address and resolve.

Instead of talking about what this person has “done to your boyfriend,” focus on the impact it’s having on your - “seeing my boyfriend so hurt makes me miserable, and I don’t want to be in this situation, having this person as a metamour is not right for me.” That’s a much better framing, because it focuses on what you can control in your responses.

One of my metamours treats me, and our mutual partner, terribly

my partner and i are both poly, in non-hierarchal relationships (i have one other partner they have two, and even though we’re not primaries, we’re the more serious relationship) but i Hate one of their parters. he treats me really poorly when we’re all together and i don’t like how he treats them either, but i don’t know how to bring it up without upsetting them cause even though they’re aware of how poorly he treats them and me, they feel like it’s worth it to stay with him and idk what to do.

You can't control your partner's choices or thoughts - but you can control your own behavior. If someone treats you poorly, you can choose not to be around them. Tell your partner "I don't appreciate how Klavfin treats me and makes me feel, so I'm not going to be around him anymore." That's not you setting an ultimatum, or making a demand. You're not saying "stop seeing Klavfin," or "never invite Klavfin to a hangout" - you're just stating what boundaries you're going to hold. 

Your partner might feel frustrated by this, since it's difficult to accommodate around partners who don't like each other, but that's their response to choose. You're giving them information: that you don't want to be around this person. They can respond to that information however they choose.

People may accuse you of "starting drama," but that's not your problem. You get to decide how you want to be treated and who you want to spend time around. If that means you decline an invitation to a dinner, or make yourself scarce when he's around, that's fine! Don't try to get people to pick sides, or start a whisper campaign to oust this guy from your poly network - those usually backfire.

It's frustrating and painful to see your partner stay with someone who, from your perspective, is an ass. And there's a time and place to point out specific behaviors you have an issue with, and remind your partner that they don't deserve to be treated that way. But beyond that, remember that your partner is going to make their own choices, and all you can do is make the best calls for yourself.

I want to date another boy, but my boyfriend isn't okay with it

I entered this relationship monogamously and I fell deeply in love with him before realizing I was poly. we've talked extensively about this and usually it's always along the lines of staying monogamous unless I meet a girl (lmao straight boys) But the thing is im also in love with this other boy. I've been trying to find a way to bring up opening our relationship because i feel like this is borderline cheating but I know he won't go for it. Any advice?

If you "know" he won't go for it, then there's not much advice I can give you. If you're pretty confident that your partner wouldn't be okay with you dating another boy, then there are no magic words you can say, no perfect way to "bring it up" that will change his mind.

Stop worrying about how to influence his choices - the only thing you can control is you. You can act on the information you have. This guy has made it very clear that he wouldn't be okay in a relationship where you are seeing another boy. That doesn't sound like a reality you can change - only something you can respond to.

Do you want to stay with this person? Then it sounds like you'll need to let go of your plans to date this other boy. It is possible to want something and not get it, and in fact a lot of people in monogamous relationships have to actively choose not to act on certain desires. Do you want the freedom to date polyamorously? Then it sounds like you might need to leave your current relationship, because "convince the guy you're seeing to be okay with it" is, by your own admission, not something that will work out. 

(It is true that there are plenty of good arguments, explanations, etc. about why your boyfriend's perspective is perhaps not the most accurate or healthy. But I'm not going to harp on about "one penis policies" and the like, because if he's made it clear to you how he feels, your role now is to make your choices based on that information, not try to wheedle and cajole and argue him out of it.)

My boyfriend wants me to be comfortable trying polyamory, but I am not

My boyfriend wants to have a poly relationship and I've expressed how uncomfortable it would make me. He says he wants me to be comfortable and trusting enough to do it. I'm afraid that if we end up trying it, that I won't like it and he'll continue and I'll be uncomfortable.

When you say that he wants you to be comfortable enough to do it, I'm not sure if you mean he's said "I want to do this, but only if you're comfortable with it" or "I want you to become comfortable with this."

The first one is fine; he's told you what he wants, but seems to understand that you don't want that. If you're not able or willing to try polyamory, that's totally your right. He can decide to stay in a mono relationship with you, or decide he has to leave the relationship because being able to pursue polyamory is a dealbreaker for him.

The second one is less fine. You don't get to just ask someone to have a feeling; we don't have little knobs inside our brain we can fiddle with and get ourselves to the settings that someone wants us to have. If he is trying to pressure or guilt you into "being comfortable" with something you simply aren't comfortable with, that's not okay. Tell him to drop the issue, and if he won't, leave him.

Your last sentence also concerns me. You're dating someone who, somehow, through his actions or words, has made you worry that he'd continue doing something even if you're uncomfortable with it. It has nothing to do with polyamory - if my boyfriend invited me to try rock climbing with him, but I was worried that if I tried it and didn't like it, he'd continue to pressure me into doing it, not accept my expression that I didn't want to anymore, and try to hold me permanently to my initial willingness to try it out, that would be a major red flag that he just isn't healthy to date.

It's completely fine to try something in good faith, then realize, based on what you learned while trying it, that you don't like it. If someone won't accept that, or bulldozes over your feelings, they are not someone you should be dating. Do not be with someone who makes you worry that they won't listen to or respect how you feel. 

My partner insists on dating other people, which makes me miserable

my girlfriend cheated on me with one of our friends. she told me before she cheated that she had feelings for him, but i told her i was not comfortable with it because i am mono and feel horrible about the idea of her with someone else but she kissed him anyways. she now has decided she is dating both of us without my consent. i really do not want to leave our relationship, we both love each other so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and i feel like leaving would endanger both mine and her lives. she is not mentally stable but sees a therapist. i don't know what to do, because she says she needs both of us to be happy, but if that happens i’m going to be increasingly depressed. i’m just so lost right now and there doesn’t seem to be any way to solve this.

Your partner cheated on you, is trying to force you into polyamory without your consent, and is holding your emotions hostage by saying that you being happy is a "need" that somehow she deserves to have met. You know that staying in this relationship on these terms will make you "increasingly depressed." Friend, you've got to leave this relationship.

What you want to keep is your ideal, best-case-scenario possibility of this relationship, not the reality of it. What you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing.

It is not okay, and not healthy, to be held hostage to implied, or explicit, threats of suicide. You are not obligated to stay with someone just because their mental health would be impacted by you leaving. It's okay to call your partner's therapist and see if they can help you and her through this; or to ask your partner if you can come to a session with her. You also absolutely need to see someone yourself - please find a therapist asap. Reach out to friends for support. Don't get dragged into a spiral of managing her mental health for her; if she threatens self-harm or suicide, connect her to her therapist, a hotline, or a friend, and then take space. 

Check out my mental health resources here, and good luck getting out of this situation. You don't deserve to feel so trapped and unhappy.

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some quick questions

Hey, what is the difference between polyamorous and polysexual? I saw two flags and I am a bit confused.

Polysexual is a sexual orientation and it has to do with who you're sexually attracted to. Polyamory is a relationship orientation and it has to do with how you date. Polysexual means being attracted to multiple genders. Polyamory means having multiple relationships.

Do you answer asks for advice?

Yes. That is the point of this blog. You can send them here.

How do i begin my adventures of polyamory?

Check out my FAQ here.

Is it okay to want to be in a closed triad with a man and a woman?

Yes, that is a perfectly fine thing to want! It may be hard to find, but it's perfectly okay for that to be your best-case-scenario!

Can I still consider myself polyamorous if my partner and I are not currently looking for someone to add to the relationship, but consider it an option for ourselves in the future?

Sure, just like someone who is gay but choosing to stay single for a while is still gay. But reconsider the "add someone to the relationship" framing. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us!