I could have enjoyed being polyamorous, but I've built a good life that doesn't allow for it

Not even sure what I'm asking .. In the last year, I've realized I'm polyamorous. I know my partner is not and is not open to it. (We've discussed it casually in the past.) Our relationship is good. We have changed and learned together and overcome a lot. We've been together as friends, dating, or married for about 18 years now. This isn't a relationship I'm willing to break. I guess I'm just sad I'll never get to experience this part of myself. In some ways, I wish I had figured it out when I was younger, before I was in a committed relationship. Any advice on coping in a healthy way? (Hey, I figured out what I'm trying to ask.) I don't feel any resentment toward my partner, so at least there's that. I know suppressing things usually isn't a great choice...but this is the decision I've made. Any advice or comments/perspectives welcome.

I think you’ve basically answered your own question. You have made this choice, and you’ve decided to commit to this choice. Ultimately, we can’t live in the land of “what-if,” and we have to make the best life that we have, right where we are.

All choices require some kind of sacrifice, and we all have to figure out how to live with that. Some of us choose to travel the world, which requires letting go of a rooted, stable, white picket fence life. Others choose to settle down, which doesn’t allow for globetrotting adventures. Having children, not having children, moving to a new city, staying near your family, pursuing a PhD, investing in a career - it’s all the same.

The job you take is the one you’ll complain about. The person you marry is the one you’ll fight with. The grass will always look greener in the land of “what-if,” but actually, the grass is greener where you water it.

You’re not the first person to grapple with the bittersweet grief of letting go of the-life-that-could-have-been. Perhaps my favorite depiction of this very human experience is Sylvia Plath’s allegory of the fig tree. However, unlike Plath’s narrator, you’re not standing there and letting the figs fall off and rot as you struggle to make a decision. You’ve reached out for a plump, juicy fruit and accepted that, because of the way linear time works, this choice necessarily excludes other ones. And now you’ve taken the very healthy route of choosing to focus on the sweetness of the fig you’ve chosen rather than get longingly distracted by the ones you didn’t pick.

Could you have been happy doing something else? Probably. But then you wouldn’t be doing this! I think accepting the limitations of our “one and precious life” and making the choice to be happy with what’s in front of you is a far cry from “suppression.” Congratulations on making a life that fulfills you and brings you joy. Good job committing to that life and staking out your place on that patch of green grass. Enjoy that fig.

I realized I'm polyamorous, but my partner is not okay with it, and I feel awful

Hey, I recently discovered that I am poly, and my partner and I talked about it. They came to the conclusion a few days ago that they can't handle a poly relationship at the moment due to personal reasons, and they don't know if they'll ever be comfortable with it.

I don't expect a solution, but do you have any advice? The exchange left me with a pit in my chest. I don't want them in a situation that they aren’t 100% okay with, I don't want to leave them ever, I love them so so much, but I also don't want to be stuck with this feeling forever.

I write about this topic on my FAQ here.

Essentially, this is a deeply human problem. Life is full of choices, and making those choices often requires us to let go of other options. This agony is well captured in Sylvia Plath’s metaphor of the fig tree. Taking a job in a big city with lots of community and nightlife means we can’t also live on a sprawling alpaca farm. Staying home and getting a good night’s rest means we’ll miss out on the concert our friends go to, and going to the concert means missing out on a good night’s rest.

I don’t mean to be glib - this is a painful situation! - but it’s not unique to polyamory and monogamy, and it’s not even unique to relationships. In your heart, you probably already know how to make choices and commit to them and let go of regret and resentment over what could have been, because you’ve been practicing it all your life.

If you want to stay with this person, you will have to make some sacrifices. You know that indefinite monogamy is a condition of this relationship. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want, and that sucks. You can be disappointed that life isn’t perfect, and you are free to grieve your lack of opportunity to try out a polyamorous relationship. But don’t let that regret or resentment fester. Remind yourself that this was something you chose freely, and that it’s worth it to you in order to stay in the relationship.

Imagine that your partner was severely allergic to cats, and being with them meant you could never have a pet cat. You might feel bummed out about this, and you might even feel a pang of longing when you visit a friend with a cat, but if you’ve decided that you’re willing to forgo cat ownership in order to date this person, that’s just the choice you gotta live with. Waking up every morning and being upset that you can’t have a cat, or constantly ruminating on your cat-less life, isn’t going to be healthy or fair.

You may discover that it’s just too much for you to give up, and that you really do feel that you need to try out polyamory, or own a cat, in order to be happy and fulfilled. In that case, you’ll still need to make a sacrifice to get what you want - you’ll need to leave that relationship. Which will also be a painful loss, and it will also feel awful, but it will be necessary in order to pursue the life you want.

Ultimately, only you can decide what sacrifices you are willing to make. Only you can choose which fig to reach out and pluck, and which others to let fall to the ground uneaten. The fact that we have to choose is often aggravating and painful, and no one likes facing a tough choice, but it’s necessary and entirely survivable.

I am sorry that you’ve found yourself in a situation where you can’t get everything you want, and that you feel a “pit” in your chest. Try to give it time, know that you are fully able to cope with disappointment, and then do what you need to do to live your best life in this flawed, complicated reality.

I have a crush on my polyam friends, but don't know where to go from here

I'm poly and have gone on dates here and there but never actually been in a committed polycule. To be honest I'm not looking for anything very serious, but recently I've found I have two friends who are together and poly that I've been light heartedly flirting with. I didn't want to take the first step in asking them if they wanted to have some fun and go on a couple of dates because I wasn't sure if they were looking for something casual or more serious, but then they talked to me about what I was looking for and I was honest with them. This may sound silly but I don't know where to go from here! I like them both a lot and hanging with them as a group and one on one, but I'm unsure where to go from here now that we've established interest. I know I should just talk to them, but I want to go to them with some idea of what I concretely want moving forward and honestly I keep falling short. All I can think of is just "spend time with them and have sex together or one on one" but I don't know that that's enough.

My friend, I think you are overthinking this! If you like hanging out with them, and they like hanging out with you, keep doing that. If they asked you how you felt and you told them, and they were open and receptive, let things keep going in that direction!

You are correct that you “should just talk to them,” but you are being way too hard on yourself by concluding that what you have to say is not “enough.” You know what you want - to spend time together, and to be open to sexual or romantic connection - and that is an entirely normal and healthy and common way for people to be together!

Try saying something like this:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you two, together and one on one. I know that you two are polyam, and I am thinking that I’d be interested in exploring that with you. I like our friendly connection and can see that moving in a romantic direction. I am also sexually attracted to both of you and would be interested in cuddles, kisses, and sex.

At the same time, I am feeling unsure about what I want to call this, or whether I can articulate exactly what kind of relationship blueprint I am hoping for. Are you okay with taking things slow and just letting them evolve organically the way they already have been between us?”

What you’ve described here sounds pretty healthy and fun, and is in fact how most relationships, polyam or mono, tend to evolve and grow. Follow what feels good and try to relax about the specifics.

How do I handle crushes & desires when I'm worried about other people's responses?

So I have an issue. Two issues, in fact. There are two groups of people here: my romantic partner, Nessie and her alter Alberta, and my platonic partner Kastelle and her romantic partner Spork.

So, I'm currently in two relationships: a romantic monogamous one with Nessie, and a platonic poly one with Kastelle and an unimportant outside party. The thing is, I'm starting to catch romantic feelings for Kastelle. At first I was jealous of Spork, but now that we've met... I'm starting to get a crush on her, too. (I mean I'm still jealous, but I also have a crush.) So what I want now is... I want to join their romantic relationship and make it a poly.

But that means leaving my other platonic partner behind (they're aro, so they don't care abt romance, but still.) However I don't think Kastelle likes me like that, and I don't think Spork even likes me in a way that's past surface friendship, and I don't want to ruin my relationship with Kastelle or make Spork wary of me. ALSO, if I were to get into another relationship outside of mine with Nessie, it might put stress on us, too. I want to make everyone happy, including myself, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. And I sincerely doubt that Nessie, Spork, and Kastelle would want to join together and make one big poly mess. I can't balance two romantic relationships anymore unless everyone is together. It puts too much strain on everyone involved and I end up hurting people.

Then there's my second problem with Nessie and Alberta. See, we've always talked about adding Alberta to our relationship after I broke up with a different boyfriend (who I have cut it off with and it's okay.) So now it's just me and Nessie. I've been dropping hints about adding Alberta, hoping Nessie will remember. But it's not working. I'm too afraid to just come out and talk to Nessie about it, and I don't want to ask out Alberta behind Nessie's back. Can you help me? What do I do? Who do I date?

The first issue sounds pretty simple: there are some people you want to date (Kastelle and Spork), but you don’t think they’re interested in dating you, and you worry that pursuing them would create a cascade of problems that you don’t want. So…don’t pursue them! If they haven’t given you any indication that they want to date you, and you think that dating them would cause all sorts of issues, then you have plenty of clear information telling you that trying to date them would not be a good idea.

Sometimes, we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes we feel conflicted, or frustrated, or worried. Sometimes the right choice is a difficult one. That’s just part of life!

If you need to take some space from this relationship to let the crush and jealousy fizzle out, that’s fine. Focus on yourself, your other relationships and hobbies, and don’t ruminate on or indulge in fantasies of the impossible.

The second issue is also pretty simple: Don’t rely on “dropping hints” and “hoping” when it comes to communication within your relationship. If you’re “too afraid” to bring something up with your partner, that indicates that something is very wrong.

Think hard about where that fear is coming from. Has Nessie done anything to indicate that speaking your mind with her is unsafe in any way? If so, leave that relationship. If the anxiety is coming from your own unaddressed assumptions and patterns, you need to find a way to deal with those so that you can communicate effectively with your partner. A relationship where you can’t speak your mind due to fear of their response is unacceptable, and you need to take immediate steps to address that dynamic.

I want my wife to see other men, but she doesn't want to

I want my wife to date other men. I talked her into having sex with other men before and it was great but now she is hesitant.

Usually, if someone has to be “talked into” doing something, it means they don’t really want to do it. Sometimes, they may discover that they like it, and they may be glad for the push. But most of the time, that’s not the case. And clearly it was not “great,” since she doesn’t want to do it again.

Your wife did everything she could be expected to in this situation. You wanted to try something new sexually, and it sounds like she was willing to try it out, even though it wasn’t something she was personally excited about. Now that she’s tried it out, she’s learned that it isn’t something she enjoys.

That’s it, that’s all the information you need. Stop pressuring your partner to do something that they don’t want to do. If she needed to be “talked into it,” and now she’s “hesitant,” you have plenty of information. Listen to what your wife is telling you, which is “no.”

If this is something you can’t live without in a relationship, you need to make some serious choices about continuing the marriage. But if you want to stay married to your wife, you need to drop this. She tried it, it didn’t work, so stop trying to force the issue.

Think about what gets you off about your wife having sex with other men, and whether there is a compromise that can be found. Maybe watching porn or fantasizing together could scratch that itch. But please wait a while before even bringing up an attempted compromise, and if she says no, you need to take no for an answer and not wheedle or whine or try to “talk her into it.”

My husband thinks more discussion of polyamory will change my mind. I know it won't.

My husband has been asking about going poly for nearly a year. I don’t want to. I’ve made it clear, but he continuously frames it as, “ok, we’ll drop it for now and talk more in a month” or “you haven’t really considered it so it’s not fair to dismiss it out of hand”. He can be very insistent on things like once he has decided he wants it, and manipulative to craft situations to his liking. How long is reasonable before I draw a line in the sand and tell him he needs to pick? I’m not anti-poly; it’s fine for others but I am mono and have no interest in the drama of a mono-poly relationship. He just keeps says we can talk about boundaries and won’t accept that my boundary is a monogamous relationship.

I don’t think you should, or ought to, wait any longer before letting your husband know that you have absolutely made up your mind.

“I am not able or willing to try out an open or non-monogamous relationship. No amount of discussion or consideration or negotiation will change this for me. As many times as you ask, or as many ways as you ask, the answer will be no. I’m telling you this very clearly because I need you to start acting based on this information, and not any other assumptions or hopes you may have. If a polyamorous relationship is something you absolutely must have, know that you will not get this in our marriage, and you will need to leave the marriage to get that. If staying with me is your priority, know that you will need to drop this issue permanently in order for that to work.”

Then, stick to that party line. Tell him that you do not want to discuss it in a month and your answer will not change. Tell him that you have considered the issue enough for you to make your decision, and whether he thinks that’s ‘enough’ consideration is not relevant. Do not engage. And think about whether you want to stay married to someone you describe as “manipulative” and who “won’t accept” what you tell him. See this FAQ page for more resources.

I ended my relationship, but now I feel guilty about it

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years because I didn’t feel loved by him. He would lie to me a lot and about a month ago I found out that he lied to me about money issues and kept up that lie for about a month. He would also make plans with me and then cancel on me to hang out with his newer romantic interests and it made me feel like he didn’t respect my time or my company. I spoke with him about this but he continued to do it and I decided I couldn’t be with him anymore but I’m questioning if I made the right decision or not. I feel like a bad person for being uncomfortable with him and his new partner. Am I in the wrong for breaking up with him and am I a bad person for breaking up with him over this?

You are absolutely not in the wrong. You are not a bad person. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, it is okay to leave. You don’t owe it to anyone to stay with them. No one is entitled to be in a relationship with you. Period. If it’s not working, if you don’t feel loved, if you don’t like the way things are going, if it’s just not vibin’ for you anymore, those are all fine reasons to leave. There is no arbiter of breakups, no relationship judge that you have to present your case to and ‘prove’ that you had enough of a good reason to end things.

If he is saying things to you that make you feel guilty for leaving, stop talking to him. Block him, cut off contact, and spend time with people who support you in making the best, healthiest choices for you.

Please check out this article and my FAQ page about leaving a bad relationship.

How do I deal with liking someone, but knowing a relationship is impossible because of when we met?

Dealing with impractical relationships: I love this guy who broke things off with me because it just wasn't practical. He's a father and hasn't even started his divorce yet. I'm having trouble accepting that even if there's chemistry and I'm sure he wants to also be with me - it's just impossible to have a relationship. I want to ask him how he feels, but I don't think that he'll give me an honest answer. How in the world do I move on?

A tough thing about the world is that sometimes, things don’t work out for annoying reasons. It’s always been a dream of mine to get a pet rodent as a baby and hand raise it, rather than getting a skittish adult from a pet store. But when my friend’s hamster had surprise babies that needed homes, I couldn’t take one in for health reasons. If the hamster had given birth six months earlier or a year later, I might have gotten my fuzz buddy, but the world doesn’t work on my timelines. When I was living in Ireland, I was offered an amazing job working at a theatre company in Dublin - but I was still a student and it would have been logistically impossible to rearrange my life, postpone my graduation, get a work visa, etc. I knew the offer would not be around a year later when I graduated, and it sucked.

So it’s not just relationships where this happens. We’ve all missed out on the gorgeous apartment because our roommate’s lease is a month out, made a great new friend who was moving to a new city a few weeks later, or been unable to control the family planning of hamsters. And we’ve all survived - there are other apartments, new friends, local hamster breeders. And those all do work out. It’s tempting to assume that the thing we missed out on was Perfect, while the thing we ended up with is imperfect. But that’s because it’s easy to idealize the thing we don’t have. That apartment may have had a crappy dishwasher; that job may have had an obnoxious coworker; the future hamster will be just as cuddly. But as long as it stays the Might Have Been, we don’t know any of that. We compare our imperfect present to our Idealized Missed-Out-On.

I think we have done ourselves a huge disservice with all our cultural talk of “soulmates” and “one true love” - and polyam people are not immune. We assume that having chemistry with someone means we must be with them, that we are missing out on something necessary to our happiness, that somehow the universe must bend to the will of our romantic-sexual desires, or something has gone terribly wrong. But, the reality is, sometimes things don’t work out. If we can move on from apartments or jobs or potential pets, we can move on from might-have-beens in relationships too. It’s frustrating and disappointing when we want something but we can’t get it, and it’s okay to be upset, but try not to give it such an outsized significance. You’ll meet someone who’s better situated to be with you, and it’ll work out, I promise.

My boyfriend got back with his ex, who I think is very bad for him

My boyfriend is poly, he has gotten a new boyfriend recently and he’s dated this boy in the past, he’s broken my boy so many times and apparently he’s gone to relationship counseling to fix himself. My boyfriend insists he has changed after three months of the counseling, they got back together a few days ago. He asked me if I was comfortable with him dating two other people I said this was fine but I didn’t ask who they were and finding out he’s with this guy again upsets me.

There first issue here is that your boyfriend seems to be lying by omission, saying “are you okay with me dating someone?” knowing that your answer will be “yes” in the general case, and neglecting to mention that it was this specific person. You need to make sure there’s an open line of communication between the two of you about your relationship, new partners, and concerns either of you have. If this is a pattern, you need to figure out whether he’s being evasive because he feels unsafe being honest with you, or just to avoid an unpleasant conversation, or what.

You can’t change your boyfriend’s mind about dating this person - but you can control how you respond to it. You can decide that this person is just not someone you want to be polyamorously connected to, and choose to leave the relationship if it means having him as a metamour. You could decide that you’re not willing to discuss this person with your boyfriend, and that includes advice, comfort, venting, anything. You could decide that you don’t want to be around this person. But all of those are your choices, based on the information you have: that your boyfriend is going to date this person, despite your objections.

Consider also checking your language: you say he has “broken” “your” boy, and that might signal some extremity in your perspective. Your boyfriend has not been “broken” - it’s pretty difficult to actually “break” a person - he may have been hurt, disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad, etc. Using clear, specific terms for feelings helps us address them better. And he is not “your boy” - he is his own person, and his relationships with other people are mostly his business. I don’t doubt you that this person is emotionally dangerous, but don’t make it worse with language that frames your reaction in extreme terms that make things harder, not easier, to address and resolve.

Instead of talking about what this person has “done to your boyfriend,” focus on the impact it’s having on your - “seeing my boyfriend so hurt makes me miserable, and I don’t want to be in this situation, having this person as a metamour is not right for me.” That’s a much better framing, because it focuses on what you can control in your responses.

My boyfriend follows sexy instagram models, and I don't like it

My bf (22 m) & I (20 f) have been together for 8 months and we love each other, but he used follow sexy girls on ig private & public pages... I confronted him, and I told him it makes me uncomfortable! I ask him why he does it and he never says the answer only that he stopped following. He did this 3 times until I told him that I wanted space. We talked and we still together but my trust for him is not the same. Did I overreact?

There's a lot going on here. Your question is "did I overreact," and I'd say that's a tricky question to answer on a lot of levels.

Did you overreact to him following sexy girls on instagram? From my perspective, sort of. It's not like he's doing anything besides looking at them. Just about everyone likes looking at sexy people, and that doesn't usually threaten their current relationships. Unless he's comparing them to you, pressuring you to lose weight and contour your butt or whatever sexy instagram ladies are doing these days, it's not super impactful to you.

That said, that's my perspective. You said that it makes you uncomfortable, and you have the right to feel your feelings. You could try to rationalize yourself out of that discomfort, but you're not obligated to, and you might not be able to. You did the right thing by letting your boyfriend know it made you uncomfortable, and clearly outlining what you wanted him to do.

It sounds like he wasn't willing to do what you asked - which is his right! - but he did the wrong thing by promising to stop, then not stopping. If he isn't willing to stop, he should say "I hear that it makes you uncomfortable, but it's not something I'm willing to quit, so we need to talk about whether that's a dealbreaker for this relationship and move forward based on what we figure out."

Instead, it sounds like he kept following them, but told you he didn't. That's dishonesty, and it's going to feel like a betrayal even if it's about a behavior that, itself, isn't super consequential. I don't think it's "overreacting" to be upset when your partner conceals something from you.

But you've chosen to stay with someone who you know is willing to continue doing something you've asked him not to, and is going to lie about it. You say your trust in him is not the same - why are you still dating him? You don't deserve to be dating someone you can't trust; that's a painful place to be in and not a compromise you have to make. 

Ask yourself: 
1.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who follows sexy instagram models? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out what your next steps will be to manage these feelings, and address the discomfort. You have to take active steps; don't just passively keep doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

2.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who lied to me? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out how to start repairing that trust. Again, you need to actively commit to this choice, not just passively stay in a relationship with this background radiation.

There's also the issue of you wanting him to tell you "why" he follows them, and him being unable to. Maybe he can't articulate why ("I like looking at pretty ladies" might just be the whole story), or maybe he doesn't feel like talking to you about it would be emotionally safe. Think about how you come to the conversation and what you two can do to make it easier and safer to be honest with each other.

I was dumped by a polygroup a few months ago, and it still hurts

My polygroup dumped me - like they're all dating and I'm just out of the picture. It was at least a couple months ago and I don't even see them in person like at all anymore but I'm still hurting. I want to be over it, but for some reason I find myself still getting sad and angry when I see reminders of them.

Friend, this is entirely normal! Getting dumped by one person is miserable enough - getting dumped by an entire group is going to hurt like nobody's business. You have my deepest sympathies.

This is not really a problem with a solution besides "wait it out." You're already doing the right things by not seeing them in person and trying not to wallow in the sadness, but a few months is NOT much time to get over such a painful breakup!

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Give yourself grace and tenderness when you're sad and angry. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. It's not that you're sad and angry "for some reason" - you're sad and angry because a really sad, maddening thing happened to you! It's okay, and you're okay.

Find distractions - whether it's rearranging your hamster's cage or getting back into playing The Sims or hitting a local concert or foraging for mushrooms. Reach out to friends who are not connected to that group of people. Indulge in some comforts. Consider talking to a therapist or an informal support/venting chat or forum. And know that you will get through this. 

My metamour is moving in, and there's tension because my partner really want us to date

My partner's girlfriend is moving in with us and I'm a bit nervous because while she and I are good friends, we are not romantically interested in each other. That's okay with us but my partner really wants for us to be romantically involved and can't seem to let it go. Is this going to end in disaster?

The co-habitation isn't the problem, it's your partner being pushy about this. They need to drop the issue, and yesterday. Sit them down and explain that you're very nervous about her moving in, not because there's any issue with the dynamic between you two, but because of your partner not being willing to let this go. Tell them that they can't wheedle, cajole, argue, convince, or otherwise mind-trick two people into dating if they don't want to date each other, and trying to do so will only cause problems. If they can't accept this or refuse to stop, you need to decide whether this is a situation - the relationship and/or the living arrangement - that you feel comfortable staying in. 

My partner doesn't pay me much attention anymore - should we try polyamory?

My girlfriend doesn't pay me much attention anymore but we're still very much in love. I've always been interested in being polyam but she seems less enthusiastic. I feel like this could be the way to save our relationship but am I just stringing out a painful end?

Opening a relationship does not save it. If you're already having problems, those will most likely be magnified and exacerbated by the opening of the relationship. 

The solution isn't to find someone who can pay you attention and fill in the gaps of your unmet needs - but to talk to your girlfriend about the issues you're having. Be as specific and actionable as possible.

For example, "Please pay more attention to me" is a lot less helpful than something like "Last night, when we hung out, you were on your phone the whole time. I feel like we aren't spending as much quality time together as I'd like lately. Can we plan an evening soon where we give each other our undivided attention?" or "For a while now, it's always me who texts you to make plans and takes all the initiative - can we talk about what's going on? It's starting to bother me and I'd like to know whether you can commit to doing more to show me you care."

Think also about whether something has changed in her life that might be taking her attention away. If she moved farther away, got a new job, has been sick or especially stressed, etc. then you might have to approach things a bit differently. Finding out how to get your needs met without asking her for what she can't give right now may take some creativity and compromise as well as open communication.

Work on the "attention" problem first. Either figure out how to re-right this listing relationship, or identify what your dealbreakers are and commit to ending the relationship if you're not getting what you need. Once this has been addressed (one way or another), then it'll be a much healthier time to start thinking and talking about your own interest in polyamory.

My boyfriend had a passionate connection with his ex, and I feel insecure

My boyfriend has a tattoo of characters he and an old flame played who were romantically involved. They’re still friends. He says he’s over her but I can’t help feeling like I’m loving him from beneath her shadow. Doesn’t help that I realized the painting visible from his bed looks like her last time I visited. He was surprised when I pointed that out but agreed. I’m not sure how to deal with this. I know I have some insecurity issues but I’m not sure how to deal.

Everyone has a past - no one blips into existence the moment we meet them. It's impossible for someone to be faithful to you before you are in their life. Try to identify whether the issue is him, whether he is the one casting "her shadow" over the relationship, or whether it's something inside you being projected out. If he is specifically doing things to make you feel insecure - if he compares you to this old flame, texts her while you're having time together, etc. - then bring those up. He can change his current behavior to be a good boyfriend to you, but he can't change his past choices.  If everything in your current relationship is fine, but you just don't like the tattoo or the thought of her, consider working with a therapist who specializes on issues with insecurity.

If it's not his behavior that the problem - if he isn't doing or saying things to keep you in this state of feeling insecure or compared to her - then it honestly is a majorly positive sign that your boyfriend is able to remain friends with someone he dated. It takes a lot of maturity and perspective to recognize that a relationship isn't working in a sexual-romantic context, but also be able to hold space for how that person can continue to be in your life. Many people have black-or-white thinking; where someone is either their soulmate or a villain, and that kind of thinking has other implications that are not great.

Being able to say "this person gave me a lot of joy, and we had a lot of fun together, but the relationship needs to shift now, because our needs have changed, or we've learned more about ourselves and each other" is a powerful skill. If he had a lot of anger, regret, or shame about the tattoo, that might make you feel more secure, but it would actually be a red flag about his emotional maturity. So if that helps you reframe the situation, think about what a great guy this means he is!

I have insecurity issues particularly because I have a history of being left for other people. The man I’m with now (6mo LDR) had done so prior, married her. He’s divorced now. He doesn’t want to label what we’re doing but he tells me he loves me. He wants me to think about moving in with him from another state with my kid. I want to but I’m scared about his commitment. I can’t for a while yet. How do I talk to him about “us” and labels? I’m taking a risk, but it needs to be a calculated risk?

Hold up. If I’m reading this right, you’re currently dating a person who previously left you for another woman, married her, then divorced her and got back together with you. You’ve been together in this second relationship for six months now, all long distance. He wants you to move to another state to be with him. But he isn’t willing to use language to commit to you. 

I do not think you should make this move. I do not think you should continue to sidestep your own needs because this guy “doesn’t want to label” things. You do not “have insecurity issues,” you are in a fundamentally insecure situation. He is making sure that he provides you no security, then making you feel like your sense of insecurity is coming from your own “issues,” not a clear-eyed observation of the reality of the situation.

You have the right to ask for what you need. If he refuses to give it to you, walk away. Say something like: “The fact that you refuse to “label” what we’re doing isn’t working for me anymore. Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? How would you define our relationship? Are we committed to seeing each other exclusively? What do you see as our future together? Are you committed to staying with me unless an issue comes up between us, not just until you don’t feel like it anymore? I need honest, clear answers to these questions before I’m willing to make any more commitments to this relationship.”

That is an appropriate and fair thing to ask. If he acts like you’re being demanding or controlling or pushy or “moving too fast,” then there’s your answer: that he is not able or willing to provide you the security that you need. He doesn’t want to make a commitment to you. He doesn’t want to give an inch, but he wants you to cross the miles for him. Stop doing 100% of the emotional heavy lifting here. Stop sacrificing your security for his freedom. Ask for what you need. If he can’t or won’t provide it, find a more secure relationship.

I was with my ex for almost three years, he was my everything. He was my only friend. We would always fight over who I talked to( as in guys). He was also very controlling. I honestly wanted us to last. But the accusations weren’t worth it anymore. So I gave up. I dumped him and blocked him. He’s met someone else and I can’t seem to stop checking his social media to see what he’s been up to. Do you think I really loved him or that it just hurts that he’s moved on?

That sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and you did the right thing by leaving it. But few things in life are 100% black-and-white. Having feelings of sadness and pain after a breakup is NOT evidence that a breakup was the wrong choice. 

Stop checking his social media - block him even harder if that’s possible, enlist a friend to help you break this habit, take a social media fast - and give yourself the time it will take to heal from this. It’s okay to have complicated feelings, it’s okay to need time to feel better. Focus on what makes you happy right now.

i’ve been in a relationship for about 8 months now. my partner is occasionally suicidal and is not very good at regulating their emotions and dealing with negativity. they are not clinically diagnosed with anything because their family is averse to the idea of it. For a few months now i’ve been spending a lot (like 60-70%) of my energy coping with my partner’s distress, be it moodiness and irritation directed at me, or being ignored for a hours at a time, or rebutting unending thoughts of self hatred, and dealing with suicide attempts (twice) late into the night. i feel very drained and tired, but feel as if i cannot leave because of their instability. it is a vicious cycle of me constantly reassuring them that i love them to prevent them from overthinking and becoming insecure about the relationship, making it difficult for me to leave because I keep telling them that I’m not going to. truthfully, i say most of my “i love you"s and "i miss you"s to even it out with how much they say it to me. i am at a loss and don’t know what to do. I feel an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction with my family and friends i love. the responsibility for their emotional well-being is becoming unbelievably difficult to carry, but i cant bring myself to put it down because of some stupid promises i’ve made.

Let me be the first person to release you from this sense of obligation. You are never, ever required to shoulder the emotional weight for another person’s problems. If a relationship is causing you “an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction,” then it is not healthy for you and you need to leave it. It is okay to do what you need, do what’s best for you, even if it will make someone else unhappy. Their mental health is not your responsibility.

Whatever you decide to do, this situation cannot continue. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to your partner. You are not a mental health professional, and even if you were, it is inappropriate for “mental health support caregiver” and “romantic partner” to be the same person. Suicide attempts are serious, and next time, you need to call 911 instead of trying to handle it on your own. You either need to take serious steps to set new boundaries with this person and help them find healthier sources of help and support. Something needs to change so you can shift your position to “supportive partner” instead of “24/7 crisis counselor.”

That, or you need to leave the relationship. If you want to leave the relationship, you should. You do not deserve to be in a situation where you are draining all of yourself, and you don’t owe anyone your continued presence in an unhealthy relationship, regardless of what you have promised in the past. You may need to enlist friends, adults, or professionals to support you and your partner through the breakup. A breakup will be messy, and painful, and you may feel guilt, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible or that you are not allowed to leave the relationship.

If this person is unable to access mental health services through their family, there are still options for them. You can point them to a crisis hotline or text line. If your partner is in school, speak to a teacher or counselor in a position to help them. You can talk to your own parents and get their help to advocate for your partner as well. You can offer to sit with your partner and help them draft a letter to their parents asking for mental health help, or offer to sit with them and have that conversation in person, or help them strategize about how to get professional help through other avenues. What you cannot - and should not - do is continue to take on all of this yourself. 

Also, since your mental health is being so poorly impacted, you may also benefit from talking to a therapist - talk to your parents, an adult at your school, or someone else who can connect you with services. 

My boyfriend dumped me last week. We had been together for 8 months. He took my virginity. I found out his ex moved back in with him not even a week later. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I don’t know how to let him go. He broke up with me over text and cut me out of his life completely. I can’t seem to do that, I still care. I still care about him. I don’t know how to stop. He keeps posting depressing stuff off his social media, and I feel bad. Why do I care if he doesn’t care about me?

First off, stop looking at his social media. Block him, unfriend him, do what you have to to make that happen.

Being dumped sucks. It hurts. It hurts bad. There’s no way around that. The only way out is through. It’s only been a week, so of course the wound is fresh and unbearable. But time will heal this, I promise.

You don’t need to “know how to stop” caring about him. Feelings are pesky and tricky in that they don’t change form even if you try really hard to change them. You can’t brute-force yourself into feeling better right away. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be angry. Someone else hurt you. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel about that.

Take care of yourself. Find distractions. Do what feels good. See a fun movie. Go out with friends. Eat ice cream. Let yourself cry. Pet a dog. Take long showers. Follow a bunch of new tumblrs. Find ways to make it through the days, and slowly this painful episode will fade farther and farther back into the past.

You can do this! It will be okay, I promise.

my boyfriend always complains i act like im not interested in spending time with him but whenever i ask to spend time with him he acts like i’m asking too much of him and like he has so many things to do he just can’t and if i act sad about him having to leave or do something he gets annoyed and that’s why i don’t ever ‘act interested’ because whenever i do i get called annoying and clingy and told how he cant spend all this time with me. i feel like no matter what i do im going to be wrong.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend criticizes you for acting “not interested in spending time with him,” but when you do, he says you’re being “annoying and clingy.”

Making someone feel like “no matter what you do, it’s wrong” is emotionally manipulative and cruel. When with a partner, you should feel welcome and accepted and free to relax into your feelings. Being constantly critiqued, policed, and put down for how you act and how you feel is not healthy at all.

You deserve to be with someone who has the emotional maturity to identify their needs and work with you to meet them, rather than demanding some psychic perfection. Leave this relationship.

Is it irrational to want my partner to message me in the mornings when they wake up? I understand if they have things to do but I’d just like to know they’re thinking of me and for them to let me know if they’re going to be busy or not and they act like I’m asking something really difficult and irrational? It just makes me feel like they always think of me last because they wake up and do things and message me hours later. I rarely even get a good morning from them first.

It’s not irrational of you to want it, but it’s also not irrational of your partner not to do that. Some people don’t like to start their day immediately with texting. It sounds like your partner prefers to wake up, get their day started, then settle into whatever daily conversation you two are going to have. It doesn’t mean that you’re not a priority; or that they think of you “last,” it’s just a difference of preferences and routines. Just because someone’s behavior bothers you doesn’t mean they’re obligated to change it; neither of you is being “irrational,” but neither of you gets the right to put unilateral demands on the other one either.

For many people, taking a few hours to start their day is key to their mental and physical wellbeing, so your partner might feel really threatened by an imposition on their morning routine. For other people, their morning routines aren’t as important to them, or they can reasonably accommodate post-wake-up texts.

Try letting go of the framing here that makes you take this personally. I doubt your partner is going “Ah, I’ve just woken up, and I could text my partner, but they are NOT IMPORTANT TO ME so I’m just going to do something else and make them wait!” Instead, it’s probably more like “Ah, I’ve just woken up! I need some time to get started and settle into my day before I feel up to using my phone or talking to other people. As soon as I’m ready, though, I’d love to connect with my partner about how our days are going to go!”

It feels to you like they’re putting you last, but really, you two just have different morning routines. If this is an absolute dealbreaker for you, then you have the right to seek a partner who likes the same exact type of connections and routines as you. But you might be able to find a compromise with your current partner. Maybe they text you before lunch every day, and that can be early enough for you but late enough for them. Maybe you need to find something else to focus on during your mornings. Maybe they could text you before bed and you could read it in the mornings. This isn’t about who is being “rational,” it’s about finding a way to meet in the middle so that neither of you feel hurt or ignored or unfairly put-upon.