My long term partner cheated on me, and now we're trying polyamory, but he's not very good at it

Been in relationship for almost 19 years. Partner over the years has secretly had relationships with various woman at different points in time. Eventually I find out. I am hurt by the betrayal and lack of honest communication. I forgive and partner never wants to stop having relationship with me. We recently started looking at polyamory. Still navigating and seeing what this looks like for myself. Partner begins talking to a person he has cheated in past with multiple times. I have strong negative feelings about this. I want open and honest conversation but this does not make me feel this the case. I feel that polyamory discussion was brought up to open the door for relationship with this other woman. I see a lot of positive in polyamory and would like to explore but Partner messaging this woman causes jealousy that I am having a hard time processing. He reassures that he loves me and would never hurt me but is standoff on discussion about polyamory. He states "I will control who i text, call, talk to, like, hate, love or want." which I respect but I would like open communication. This woman is supposedly poly as well according to partner. Who is in relationship with a man who is not interested in poly. He says they both agree not to go forward past friendship with my consent. But I resent they had this discussion prior to my partner and I having discussion on what poly means for our relationship. My partner says he doesn't want to be controlled. I am the major decision maker for our house, family and finances by default. He tends to not want to be and puts the final say to me. Does he resent that?? Am I wrong to want more open communication about our relationship and this relationship with this other woman?

I understand that the dissolution of a 19 year relationship is a major thing, but my recommendation is to throw the whole man out. He has a history of being dishonest with you and secretly going behind your back to do things he knows you’re not okay with. Whatever he is promising you now, I doubt he will keep those promises.

He is already not doing a great job at making this relationship transition. He is refusing to have open communication and accusing you of trying to “control” him when you express ANY needs or desires here. And it sounds like he has you convinced that this is somehow your fault, or at the very least, not his fault.

Leave this dude. You are not wrong. You have given him MANY chances to demonstrate that he is capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship with you on a variety of different terms. He has never succeeded. You have made compromises, but he has not met you halfway.

I know it will hurt like hell, but I’m going to have to refer you to Whole Man Disposal Services. End this relationship and find someone who treats you with respect, honesty, and consideration.

My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

My partner is going through a divorce - what now?

My partner is currently going through a divorce. What the hell do I do?

That question is probably best posed to your partner. Ask them what they need from you to get through this tough time. Maybe they need patience on your part and an acceptance that you'll see less of them while they hunker down and deal with this. Maybe they need a soft shoulder and someone to vent to. Maybe they need cheerful, upbeat distractions from someone who isn't involved and doesn't need to talk constantly about the divorce logistics. 

You also need to make sure you're getting your needs met during this high-stress time. Your partner probably won't be able to do a bunch of emotional labor for you, so you'll need to find somewhere to 'dump out' while you 'comfort in.' Friends, a therapist, a hobby, other partners - make sure you've got outlets as well. 

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I don't know how to tell my ex that I don't want to get back together

My ex recently got back in touch with me and wants to start over. I still kind of have feelings for this person, but I can't see us being happy together because they're monogamous and I'm polyamorous, and they aren't open to the idea of being in an open relationship. I've tried to be mono for them before and while they were happy, it made me miserable, and I don't want to go through that again. I don't know how to tell my ex it won't work between us. What should I do?

"No" is a complete sentence. Consensus is not required here. You don't need to get them to agree, or see things your way. You don't need to convince your ex that getting back together is a bad idea. You can just decline to get back together. You know that dating them made you miserable, and you don't want to do it again. Some lines you can use:

• "I don't want to get back together with you."
• "The reason we broke up still exists for me, and I haven't changed my mind."
• "I know that you want to try dating again, but I don't feel that way."
• "I'm not going to try and argue or get you to see things my way - you just need to know that my answer is no." 
• "Please don't ask me again. If you keep trying to push for another relationship with me, I'll have to take a step back from even a friendship."

If they won't take no for an answer, do what you need to maintain your boundaries. Block them through whatever channel they used to get back in touch. Take emotional and physical distance. You have no obligation to "tell them" in exactly the right way. You don't need their permission to not date them. Stop worrying about how to tell them - just tell them, and then walk away.

My partner chose a monogamous relationship over staying with me

I was with this really amazing girl - the love of my life, and she and I are both poly. But her main wasn't. Her main said that she wasn't comfortable anymore with the fact her girlfriend was dating other people. I thought that maybe I would be chosen. That she could love me more. And we could live our lifestyle together. But no. They're getting married next month. I still love her so much. I want so much to be a part of her life. I could even deal with her partner not liking me. I just need her.

It's okay to grieve the end of this relationship, but there's nothing else to be done - I am sorry to be the one to tell you that. Sometimes this happens, not only to polyamorous people, but to monogamous people as well. A partner who you love chooses their work, or the freedom of singlehood, or another partner, or something else, over their relationship with you.

And it hurts. It really does. But you will survive. It feels like you 'need' her, but you don't 'need' her like you need air in your lungs or food in your belly, even if the loss of her does feel like drowning or starving. You will get through this. It's okay to mourn, to be angry, to feel hurt. Breakups suck. Loss is painful. 

Do whatever you need to do to feel okay: Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief at the end of relationships. Eat a bunch of ice cream. Join an online dating site. Go for a long bike ride. Have some drinks with your friends. Block your ex on all social media so you don't see any wedding nonsense. Pet a dog. Go camping. Write a letter to your ex and then burn it. You'll get through this, I promise.

I'm polyamorous, my boyfriend is not, and this tension is making me miserable

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend. I love him so dearly but the only options are break up and be poly or stay together and hurt my own feelings when I crush on others. There is no way he wants to do polyamory, and every option makes me feel terrible. It doesn't help that I relapsed on self harm and drugs....I know it's bad but I just am so distressed and don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm desperate. How do I compromise, and is it even possible?

If a relationship is making you feel desperate and distressed to the point that you relapse into self-destructive behavior, it's not healthy for you to be in anymore. Sometimes "love" isn't enough - sometimes two people are mostly great together, but one major issue makes them not compatible in a relationship. It's heartbreaking and frustrating to have to break up when there are still things you love about being together, but it sounds like it's necessary in this situation. 

Please reach out for help with the drug use and the self harm - you don't deserve to be this miserable, and you do deserve support through this difficult time. Not having the freedom to live into who you are as a polyamorous person is really unhealthy for you, so you need to start taking the steps toward a healthier relationship arrangement, even if that means no longer being with this current partner. 

Someone I was dating stopped speaking to me after one of her other partners decided he didn't like me

At the beginning of the year i met a wonderful poly woman online who is married and has other partners. we met in person (we are many states away) and i think we really hit it off and her family was totally welcoming and i felt super at home. As soon as i got back she confessed one of her boyfriends had some issue with me and told her to stop talking to me. so she did. I am hearing from our mutual internet friends that she seems very depressed and is kind of isolating herself. I think he is showing some abusive behavior, and have thought that for some time, but she's blocked me everywhere. What do you think I should do? is there anything I can do from this far away when none of our friends are willing to talk to her?

If she has blocked you everywhere, then that’s a pretty clear boundary that she has set. You can think that this boundary is unreasonable, or that she set it for reasons that are unhealthy, but right now, she has made the decision to stop speaking to you, and there’s not much that you can do about that. And if your mutual friends are unwilling to have this conversation, there’s not much you can or should do to try and push them into being an intermediary in a situation they don’t want to be a part of.

It is so, so painful to know that someone you care about is out there in a bad situation, or making bad choices, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It feels agonizingly frustrating and helpless. I know. But sometimes that’s the place we find ourselves in. It’s okay to feel angry or sad at how things worked out, through no fault of yours, to be painful for you.

She may be in an abusive situation; or she may simply be in a relationship that isn’t compatible with her seeing you - either way, she has decided to end contact with you, and your mutual friends have decided that this isn’t a safe, healthy, or worthwhile situation to try and step into. It sounds like the best thing you can do is try to let go. You don’t have the ability or obligation to ‘save’ her; nor do you have the right to change her mind even if you think the choice she’s made is unfair or unhealthy. 

I was with my ex for almost three years, he was my everything. He was my only friend. We would always fight over who I talked to( as in guys). He was also very controlling. I honestly wanted us to last. But the accusations weren’t worth it anymore. So I gave up. I dumped him and blocked him. He’s met someone else and I can’t seem to stop checking his social media to see what he’s been up to. Do you think I really loved him or that it just hurts that he’s moved on?

That sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and you did the right thing by leaving it. But few things in life are 100% black-and-white. Having feelings of sadness and pain after a breakup is NOT evidence that a breakup was the wrong choice. 

Stop checking his social media - block him even harder if that’s possible, enlist a friend to help you break this habit, take a social media fast - and give yourself the time it will take to heal from this. It’s okay to have complicated feelings, it’s okay to need time to feel better. Focus on what makes you happy right now.

I’m dating a guy who lives quite a few states away from me (we’re both in the US), and he’s dating…I believe three other people currently. I’m not sure at this point, to be honest with you. Lately it seems he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He ignored my birthday or simply forgot, and we just don’t talk much anymore. I feel like maybe I should end my romantic relationship with him and just be friends, but it’s hard. I don’t want to hurt him since another one of his SOs just broke up w/him.

I’m probably biased because this is the exact reason I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend of 6 years, and even though it sucked, it was ultimately the right choice for me.

End this relationship, friend. He’s not meeting your needs, and the only reason you gave for not wanting to end it is something that has nothing to do with you.

You could always try one last stand: letting him know that him neglecting your birthday really bothered you, and asking him to commit to spending more time and energy making the long-distance thing work. But be prepared for him to refuse, or to make the promise and then not keep it. And if you’re already at the point where you want to leave, just leave. 

My boyfriend dumped me last week. We had been together for 8 months. He took my virginity. I found out his ex moved back in with him not even a week later. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I don’t know how to let him go. He broke up with me over text and cut me out of his life completely. I can’t seem to do that, I still care. I still care about him. I don’t know how to stop. He keeps posting depressing stuff off his social media, and I feel bad. Why do I care if he doesn’t care about me?

First off, stop looking at his social media. Block him, unfriend him, do what you have to to make that happen.

Being dumped sucks. It hurts. It hurts bad. There’s no way around that. The only way out is through. It’s only been a week, so of course the wound is fresh and unbearable. But time will heal this, I promise.

You don’t need to “know how to stop” caring about him. Feelings are pesky and tricky in that they don’t change form even if you try really hard to change them. You can’t brute-force yourself into feeling better right away. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be angry. Someone else hurt you. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel about that.

Take care of yourself. Find distractions. Do what feels good. See a fun movie. Go out with friends. Eat ice cream. Let yourself cry. Pet a dog. Take long showers. Follow a bunch of new tumblrs. Find ways to make it through the days, and slowly this painful episode will fade farther and farther back into the past.

You can do this! It will be okay, I promise.

So I was cheated on and when I confronted him about it he said “I thought you knew”. Of course I broke up with him and it’s staying that way. There’s just one problem. He’s in my club that comes over to my house once every week. I haven’t made a fuss over it or complained about it but I’m emotionally confused about what I’m supposed to do. P.S. he’s my first kiss

It’s very okay to feel emotionally confused when you have to see your ex at your house once a week! There is nothing you are “supposed” to do - besides do what is best and healthiest for you.

If you feel up to it, there is nothing wrong with just keeping a cool distance from him, being polite and civil but focusing your energy on anything or anyone else. It can be a really powerful feeling to know that you are Being The Grownup and Taking The High Road, if that’s how you can frame it. If he tries to use the club meetings to “win you back” or jockey for your attention, tell him once that he needs to give you space, and if he continues, let him know that he’s not welcome at your house anymore.

But you are not obligated to even try being around him! And if this club is small enough or does something emotionally intimate, like discussion groups or improv or anything else that makes it uncomfortable to do with the ex who cheated on you, it might not be feasible.

Since he is the person who let you down and torpedoed the relationship, he should have been gracious enough to offer to bow out of the club. But he didn’t, so, boo on him. You would be well within your rights to ask him, privately, “hey, since we aren’t together anymore, and since our breakup was really painful for me, I think it would be best if you stopped coming to club meetings at my house.”

Now, there’s always the potential that he could decide to blow this up into some drama, try and insist that he has every right to be there, try and get people on his side, etc. The key is that you do not engage. Do not participate in, or escalate, any of the drama. Simply go about your club-hosting duties, don’t gossip or vent to anyone else in the club about him, and let everyone see you being your best self.

You will get over this jerk, I promise! It will be annoying to have to keep seeing him because of this club, but just know your boundaries, set them clearly, and hold others to them. 

What is love? I’ve been with this guy for a year and we fight a lot and he always tells me how horrible he thinks I am and I know most of the stuff he says isn’t true or its just an exaggeration of the truth and so it makes me not want to be with him because it really affects my mental health ( i have severe depression) and i’ve told people about him and they always say he’s abusive and i always say i cant leave because i ‘love’ him but what is love? Do I really 'love’ him or am i just afraid.

If you’re with someone who tells me how horrible you are, lies to you, exacerbates your existing mental health issues, and people in your life believe he is abusive: leave him.

Sometimes “love” isn’t enough. Sometimes you can love someone’s ‘potential’ - who they might be if they could let go of the hatred and anger and pain that cause them to act in abusive ways. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the positives - maybe the sex is great, maybe on his good days he’s really really good, maybe he’s very funny - and we become convinced that those positives absolutely must cancel out the negatives. 

Sometimes, we mistake any heightened emotion for love. This is why people like to take dates to horror movies, and why people will report that someone is more attractive to them if they first see that person in a dangerous situation. I am sure that this person makes you feel very strong feelings - but the strength of those feelings doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

Love does not hurt. Love is incompatible with abuse. Love does not make you afraid. Leaving this guy might feel hard, and lonely, and scary, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You deserve to find love that makes you feel good, that builds you up, that doesn’t make you wonder whether you are in love or “just afraid.” Let go of the messiness here and set yourself free. You can do it. You’re worth it. If you are worried about him using emotional, psychological or physical violence to make it harder for you to end things, enlist the help of friends or a professional. Check out my resources here.

I think I need my faith in polyamory restored. I broke up with my first boyfriend about a week ago, and we were in a poly relationship (him with his fiance who has other partners, me with just him while looking for more). I realized towards the end that he was using poly mostly as an excuse to get girls, and friends have pointed out that he was starting to mentally abuse me. He lied to me and everyone else about how his relationships work. I’m scared to date again…

Shitty people can be polyamorous.

Polyamorous people can be shitty.

Polyamorous people can lie, cheat, steal, neglect to use their turn signal, and do all manner of shitty things.

So can monogamous people!

Lots and lots of monogamous relationships end in tears, anger, drama, betrayal, and lies. Plenty of polyamorous relationships do as well.

Lots and lots of people use monogamy as an excuse to be possessive, controlling, abusive, manipulative, or just generally annoying.

I am really sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with someone using pseudo-polyamory as an excuse to hurt you. But that doesn’t mean polyamory is bad; just like a monogamous person hurting their partner doesn’t make monogamy inherently bad.

It is okay to take a break from dating. It is okay to find some time to nurse your wounds, heal, maybe see a therapist, think through your needs and expectations for your next relationship, identify red flags you’ll be once-bitten-twice-shy about in the future.

It is even okay to decide that dating polyamorously isn’t for you; or that dating men isn’t for you; or that dating right now isn’t for you; or whatever you need to decide for your own health and safety.

But don’t let one shitty person ruin future positive opportunities for you! No one has the power to take away your ability to be happy in other relationships. No one individual’s terrible choices get to set the tone and expectations for you in the future. One person did a bunch of shitty things. Be angry at them individually - don’t let them rob you of the ability to step into new things that have the potential to be healthy, joyful, and fulfilling. 

I just found out one of the people I’m dating is cheating on me and I know that sounds so stupid even to me but the three of us had one simple rule you can date anyone you just have to let the rest of us know and he broke it I just I don’t know if I can leave I found out he was cheating because the other person broke up with him and called me to get me to check on him to make sure he wasn’t going to kill himself … just don’t know what to do.

Suicide threats are very serious. You are not his doctor, therapist, or emergency responders, and it is not your responsibility to keep someone from killing themselves. When things are at that point, you need to get professionals involved. If he, or anyone else, does that again, let him know what you can and cannot provide, and encourage him to call a suicide hotline or a healthcare professional. If he refuses, it is always okay to call for professional help yourself.

Someone threatening suicide is in crisis and it is not a crisis you can or should handle yourself. It feels shitty and miserable and dramatic to call 911 on someone you care about, but it is not overreacting, it is the right thing to do. Either he means it, and he is really at risk, which means he needs professional help; or he does not have a strong intention to kill himself, in which case you are the person at risk, and you need to redirect him to professionals who can help him handle whatever feelings are causing him to try and get his needs met by manipulating you. 

What you should do is take some time and get safety for yourself. This person violated a boundary in your relationship, which is not okay. He then reached out to you for help with suicidal thoughts - which was okay on his part, but your role then becomes to connect him with the right services, not to take on his crisis as your own. Just because he is having an emotional breakdown does not change the fact that he violated a boundary, lied to you, and hurt you.

It is okay to set boundaries for yourself. If he calls to get you to check on him again, you can tell him that you cannot do that, but you can help him get the help he needs by providing information about hotlines, connecting him to another friend he can talk to, or calling professionals. You can tell him now that you are not able to be his mental health crisis responder, and make recommendations to help him find a support system that can function for him. His emotions are not your fault. His behavior is not your responsibility. 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and for the past few months I have been going through family problems. I guess in a way I’ve been letting it out on him which I don’t purposely do it just I have so much going on and I feel like my relationship is falling apart. He said “this relationship isn’t for us” but I know he loves me and I love him but I feel like he’s giving up on me what should I do I love him so much.

If someone has decided that the best thing for them to do is to leave, you gotta let them leave. You can believe deeply that he’s making the wrong choice, that you two love each other and that you can and should work this out - but there is no guarantee that you can get him to feel the same way.

If you know that your family problems and life stresses are wearing down on your relationship, and you are fully committed to working on healing that, you can try to have that conversation with your boyfriend. You can say something like “I know that our relationship has carried a lot of tension and negativity because of the stress I bring into our time together. I want to fix and heal that. I am committed to going to therapy to find healthier ways to manage my stress, I am committed to intentionally bringing presence and positivity into our time together, I am committed to finding other support systems to help me through this family situation, etc.” Make space for him to let you know what, specifically, he needs from you to get through this.

If he accepts - if he wants to try and fix what has fallen apart - then you need to commit 100% to those promises and work on rebuilding. But there is no guarantee that he will accept, and he has no obligation to. If he has decided that this relationship isn’t one he wants to stay in, it is okay for him to make that call. Try to be gracious about respecting his choice, and find ways to care for yourself in the event of a breakup.

Whether you two stay together or not, it sounds like you very much need to work on healthy stress management and positive communication strategies to help buffer your relationships, romantic and otherwise, against life stresses. Even if this relationship ends, you can learn a lot about how to lay a strong foundation for future relationships.

Hi there.. im not polyamorous, but i hope you will help me anyway. My bf and I have been together for about 2 years, but im struggling with wether or not to stay with him or not. I love him, hes my first bf (im 19) but sometimes i just dont feel like i wanna be with him. I dont miss him when hes not there, and i get really annoyed sometimes when he says some things. We also dont really match and we’re so different. But at the same time i really struggle with letting him go…i just dont know what to do

My friend, LEAVE THIS GUY! You didn’t name one thing that makes you happy about him, one thing he adds to your life. Don’t get stuck in “relationship inertia” where the effort it would take to break up makes you go “enh, not worth it.”

Very few people stay with their first partners, and very few people spend their lives with the person they’re with at 19. You are way too young to be passing the days miserably with someone who doesn’t match what you’re looking for an annoys you. Sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of having a partner that we feel like a mediocre one is better than none. That is a lie! Leave this dude and free yourself up for solo adventures and a better partner for you on down the line.

“This just isn’t working for me” is a totally fine reason to end a relationship. He doesn’t have to be a bad guy to be a bad partner for you specifically. You don’t need to have a spectacular fight or prove in some cosmic court that he’s a bad guy. If you’re not feeling it, leave!

Plus, it’s not really fair to stay with him for no good reason if you don’t really like him - set him free so he can find his match. You two don’t work well together, and that is totally fine. End this relationship!

Think about why you’re struggling with letting him go - is it a feeling of obligation to him, a fear or being alone, not wanting to face the drama and hassle of a breakup? Whatever it is, find ways to work through that reasoning - read some girl-power self help books, chat with a life coach or therapist, get advice from someone in your life that you trust - and then get out of there!

My anchor boyfriend and I started dating over a year ago but over the past 6-8 months we’ve been fighting almost every day, usually because of his jealousy or passive aggressiveness. Recently I’m constantly walking on eggshells to avoid an argument, and over half of our plans end in him getting angry. I know some fights/jealousy is inevitable but I need someone to tell me that fighting that much isn’t healthy and that I’m not crazy for feeling like I deserve less chaos in my relationship

Fighting that much is not healthy.

You are not crazy.

You deserve less chaos in your relationship.

“Walking on eggshells” is a miserable place to be and will wear you down. Long-term anxiety from a bad relationship can destroy your physical health, your relationships with family and friends, and can even impact your career and finances.

Do not feel guilty or ashamed for needing to walk away from a situation that makes you unhappy.

You are not obligated to stay in a relationship that isn’t working for you.

If you need help leaving this relationship, talk to a therapist! That’s what they’re there for - they are Feelings Experts who can walk you through a tough situation. Just like you’d hire a lawyer if you got arrested, or a doctor if you got sick.

You can do this! Get out of there! His behavior and his feelings are not your responsibility. You deserve to be in a place with less fear, less anxiety, less fighting. 

hey I’m a bi (cis) guy and I’ve been dating a gay man and a straight woman (we’re poly) for two years now. Overtime I’ve started to feel like this man is my soulmate and I no longer want to divide my attention from him at all. I have no idea how to break things of with this woman who’s very important to me without losing her altogether and I’m wondering if I should take that step at all. Would it be a bad idea to keep the poly dynamic if I want monogamy?

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, don’t stay in the relationship. It is okay to learn more about yourself or realize that your desires have changed over time! That’s what dating is all about - learning what works for you and what you want.

As for whether you can break up with someone without losing her entirely: some relationships take well to a shifting of gears from romantic to platonic; others don’t. You can’t control the outcome. Be honest, gentle, clear, and sensitive, and then accept her response with grace. 

My ‘partner’ has recently decided he needs to work things out with his wife after several months of us being together and him telling me they were divorcing. Now, I don’t see how our relationship will work because we both worked up this image of how it would end up and it’s not happening that way at all. I feel I want a very different outcome than he’s able to give me and I’m not sure what to do. I really love him and don’t want to lose him but I don’t know how to make it work?

It sounds like there is not much you can do here to “make it work.” If you want something that he can’t give you, there isn’t necessarily a solution for that. Sometimes in life we don’t get what we want. Sometimes our expectations are not met. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we planned. It’s not always solvable, but it is always survivable.

This might be a situation where you need the “serenity to accept the things you cannot change.” When relationships don’t work out, it sucks and it hurts, but it isn’t always something we can fix. Let yourself grieve the loss of the future you planned. Eat ice cream. Reactivate your tinder. Take a day off work to watch Netflix. You’ll get through this.

P.S. Since this is a poly blog, I’m assuming your partner’s wife was aware of and okay with you dating him, and he’s now decided to close off the open relationship. But given the use of scare quotes around ‘partner’ and your point that him not divorcing spells the end of your relationship, that may not be the case. My advice to you in the future is: do not have affairs with married men who promise you they will divorce their wife so you can be together. There’s a reason this situation is a trope, and it’s because it rarely ends well. 

I was dating a woman who began making me feel decidedly uncomfortable despite her own multiple poly relationships, and eventually I broke off the relationship because of too many ignored calls,texts, broken engagments, and a general sense of unwelcome. Later she called me a toxic narcissist among other things and I broke off contact. Do I have to let her back in my life-what my current partners are rooting for? Or can I let this bridge stay burnt?

You don’t want this person in your life, you don’t have to include this person in your life.

Why are your current partners wanting you to get involved with her again? Do they have connections to her?

Do they not understand how hurt you were, or do they know the whole story and still think you should let her back into your life?

Does she even want to get back into your life - are you ignoring pleas for reconciliation on her part, or do your partners just think you should reach out to her?

No matter what, if someone made you uncomfortable to the point that you decided to cut them out of your life, no one should be pressuring you to change that. Tell that to your current partners clearly - this is not something you are open to negotiating about or reconsidering. If they don’t respect that, think hard about whether they’re healthy for you to date.

On the flip side: I try to take all letters at face value, but since I only get one POV, I never get the whole story. If a bunch of otherwise reasonable people in your life are all pushing for you to do the same thing, and you’re the only person operating with your “I was deeply wronged by this unilaterally evil person” narrative, consider listening to them.

Maybe “you overreacted to a comment this person made, and your scorched-earth policy is doing more harm than good to the relationships in your community, and it might be worth trying to heal this a little bit - you don’t have to start dating them or be their friend, but maybe hear out their apology” is a position worth hearing. Maybe. I put this as the post-script instead of my actual advice because it’s not my go-to advice. But since all your current partners are pushing for something, it might be worth it to at least hear out their reasoning.