I broke up with someone because we weren't compatible. He's promising to change, but sending me mixed messages.

I'm mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he's ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn't feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we're talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the "main relationship" and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what's turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I'm scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I'm being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.

Do not date this dude!

Let me break this down:

He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”

You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.

He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.

You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.

His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.

He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.

His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.

All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!

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Should I get back together with my ex now that he's no longer with the woman who broke us up?

I was dating a guy, we'll call him Mark and his wife Nicole. Mark and Nicole were both poly. I started dating Mark and Nicole seemed great at first. She lost a relationship then it seemed like things got harder for her. Once Mark and I decided that we loved each other she was pretty much done. I had no intention of taking him away from her, ever. I am also married and I don't want to be with just Mark. So Nicole decided that Mark had to cut things off with me. It has been over a month now and I just heard from Mark. He told me that things aren't working out between him and Nicole, and they are getting a divorce. He wants to talk to me again after the divorce is finalized. Should I date him after the divorce is complete? I feel kind of all over the place with my emotions at the moment!!!

I don’t see why not. You know that you and Mark are good together, and the only reason you two broke up was because of issues with his wife. Now he has decided that he no longer wants to be with his wife, so the issue that broke you two up is gone, and he wants to resume the relationship.

If your “all over the place” emotions are coming from this internalized social rule that you shouldn’t date people recently after a divorce, you can pretty safely let go of those. You know a lot about who Mark is and how your relationship functions, and if you want to get back together with him, I see no reason not to.

But if those emotions are coming from genuine concerns that you have, of course, definitely sit with them and see if you can parse them out. Are you worried that there will be more drama with him? Did his decision to “cut things off” with you based on his wife’s demands reduce your trust in him? Think about why you’re feeling hesitant about getting back together with him, and communicate clearly with him about those issues. It’s okay to take things slowly and want to just chat or be friends for a while before jumping back into a relationship if that’s what you want.

My play partner hooked up with my ex, and now I feel unsafe

We are both poly, I’ve played with him on and off for years. He *was* my safe person, now he’s started playing with my ex who was very toxic for me. I’m hurt that he is seemingly throwing away my trust for someone he is not really into (he’s told me before she’s crazy). His Primary is my best friend, and we all live together. I don’t feel safe anymore around him, he feels tainted now. What do I do?

The concept of “safety” has gotten really twisted lately, and I would encourage you to do your best to untwist it.

There is no such thing as someone being “your safe person.” People are people, and they are independent, complicated, and fallible. It’s important for people to behave in ways that facilitate safety for others, but having a relational role in your life that you refer to as “my safe person” is not accurate, fair, or healthy.

Also, “feeling unsafe” and “being unsafe” are not the same thing. You say that you “don’t feel safe around him” and that he “feels tainted,” but can you articulate what, exactly, makes you less safe now that he has chosen to play with your ex? Was your ex a dangerous stalker who now knows where you live? Is he pressuring you to reconcile with her? Or is he just engaging with someone you don’t like?

You can feel uncomfortable about his choices, or disagree with them, or even wish he hadn’t made them - but none of that puts you at genuine risk. I personally don’t eat pre-cut melon, because the risk of salmonella squicks me out, but if someone else eats pre-cut melon, that’s not my problem. It might make me feel a little disgust or disapproval when I see it, but it does not actually impact my own health and safety.

Seeing people as “tainted” is also not healthy or meaningful, and you may need to reconsider how you manage your own emotions and perceptions. You have issues with this ex, but he does not have the same history of pain and toxic encounters with her. He is allowed to make his own choices, and they don’t have anything to do with you. He did not do this “to” you or “at” you.

That said, if you explicitly said to him: “I don’t want to play with anyone who is also playing with her,” and he made the choice to play with her, then you have clear information about whether he is willing to abide by your boundaries. You can certainly choose not to be involved with anyone who is involved with her, but that is YOUR choice, not something he is doing TO you. If you are too uncomfortable to continue playing with him, that’s fine! But it’s not because he has made himself inherently unsafe or “tainted,” it’s because you are responsible for your own relationship choices.

My ex is polyamorous - what should I do?

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My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I had always imagined us getting back together but he told me a few weeks ago that he thinks he might be poly. He told me that he doesn’t want to lose me but I feel very uncomfortable with a polyamorous relationship. I guess I am just looking for more information to support him and find my role in his life with this new discovery. I know that I would be unhappy in this type of relationship but I don’t want to force him into monogamy either.

I think your role in this person’s life is just “ex.” Perhaps “friend.”

You two broke up for a reason, and wanting or hoping to get back together doesn’t necessarily mean you should. You say, essentially, that you don’t want to date him polyamorously or monogamously - you don’t want to date this guy. There is enough information here to indicate that you two should not be in a relationship.

There is nothing special that you need to do to “support him” or “find your role in his life.” Be civil, obviously, respect his presence in your past, and see if a “friendly exes” relationship works, but other than that, you should try to disentangle yourself emotionally from whatever this dude has going on.

My girlfriend wants to be in a polyamorous relationship with her ex, but I'm not sure

I'm open to a polyamorous relationship and my girlfriend wants to have one with me and her ex. This would be my first polyamorous relationship and I don't really know the guy. Should I be worried about it? Possibly if he steals her away from me instead of it being a group relationship?

If your girlfriend wants you to just start dating a guy you don't really know, that's not very fair or reasonable. You cannot 'assign' or 'agree' people into relationships - it doesn't work that way. Don't date a guy just because your girlfriend wants you to.

It makes more sense for her to start dating him, and you get to know him, and see how the two of you feel about each other. There is nothing wrong with a V-shaped polyamorous relationship. Being friendly metamours is often the best way for people to relate.

If she's adamant that she only wants a closed/triad/group relationship, then she'll need to be patient and wait for you two to meet someone or grow close with someone that you also want to date.

As for your second question - no, I would not advise you to be worried about that. I can't promise you that it won't possibly happen, since no one can predict the future, but polyamory tends to make it less likely that someone will leave you for someone else, not more. Also, it's impossible for him to "steal her away" - if she leaves you to be monogamous with him, or anyone else, it would be because she made that decision herself, and you can't control her decisions. Unless he's saying and doing things that make it seem like he's trying to shift into a monogamous relationship with her and get her to break up with you, I wouldn't worry about this.

Something to be worried about, though, is that he's her ex. Why did they break up? Does that reason still exist? Are there any red flags or concerns you have about him? Getting back together with exes is not typically a great idea; so be sure you understand what his deal is, why she wants to get back together with him, and whether you want to be part of a situation that involves him.

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I don't know how to tell my ex that I don't want to get back together

My ex recently got back in touch with me and wants to start over. I still kind of have feelings for this person, but I can't see us being happy together because they're monogamous and I'm polyamorous, and they aren't open to the idea of being in an open relationship. I've tried to be mono for them before and while they were happy, it made me miserable, and I don't want to go through that again. I don't know how to tell my ex it won't work between us. What should I do?

"No" is a complete sentence. Consensus is not required here. You don't need to get them to agree, or see things your way. You don't need to convince your ex that getting back together is a bad idea. You can just decline to get back together. You know that dating them made you miserable, and you don't want to do it again. Some lines you can use:

• "I don't want to get back together with you."
• "The reason we broke up still exists for me, and I haven't changed my mind."
• "I know that you want to try dating again, but I don't feel that way."
• "I'm not going to try and argue or get you to see things my way - you just need to know that my answer is no." 
• "Please don't ask me again. If you keep trying to push for another relationship with me, I'll have to take a step back from even a friendship."

If they won't take no for an answer, do what you need to maintain your boundaries. Block them through whatever channel they used to get back in touch. Take emotional and physical distance. You have no obligation to "tell them" in exactly the right way. You don't need their permission to not date them. Stop worrying about how to tell them - just tell them, and then walk away.

I found out an ex of mine has changed his tune about being polyamorous

I was in a relationship with a poly man for 3 yrs and was open to polyamory. I had a hard time because he was constantly gas lighting me. He felt strongly against monogamy and would break agreements/boundaries that I needed to feel safe. I finally cut him off 2 months ago after he tried to pull me back into dating him. Recently I started having ptsd and I contacted him & he told me that he has a new gf and has realized he is monogamous and was never poly. I feel very confused and hurt and angry.

PTSD is a serious mental illness, and people with PTSD need and deserve treatment. If your relationship with this man left you with trauma, the solution is to work with a mental healthcare professional, not to try and re-open those wounds by contacting him.

If you were able to rationalize his mistreatment of you as “oh, he’s polyamorous, so he has to act like this, he can’t help it,” but suddenly he’s identifying as monogamous, you now have to face the realization that he was just acting badly, without that salve of a pseudo-rationale. That’s painful. It’s possible he’s saying this to you because he knows it will be painful for you. But do NOT let it re-frame his behavior as something that you “deserved” or somehow brought on yourself. He was a jerk to you and treated you poorly, and whatever excuse or explanation he had at the time doesn’t really change that fact.

This guy sounds like he was, and still is, unsafe for you. Stop contacting him - you don’t need him to make sense, or apologize, in order for you to heal and move on. He can be out there in the world being wrong, and being someone who wronged you. Let that be the truth. He lied to you, he mistreated you, he strung you along - he’s the bad guy. The rest doesn’t really matter. Find someone to work with on the PTSD and let yourself move forward, not back.

So I was cheated on and when I confronted him about it he said “I thought you knew”. Of course I broke up with him and it’s staying that way. There’s just one problem. He’s in my club that comes over to my house once every week. I haven’t made a fuss over it or complained about it but I’m emotionally confused about what I’m supposed to do. P.S. he’s my first kiss

It’s very okay to feel emotionally confused when you have to see your ex at your house once a week! There is nothing you are “supposed” to do - besides do what is best and healthiest for you.

If you feel up to it, there is nothing wrong with just keeping a cool distance from him, being polite and civil but focusing your energy on anything or anyone else. It can be a really powerful feeling to know that you are Being The Grownup and Taking The High Road, if that’s how you can frame it. If he tries to use the club meetings to “win you back” or jockey for your attention, tell him once that he needs to give you space, and if he continues, let him know that he’s not welcome at your house anymore.

But you are not obligated to even try being around him! And if this club is small enough or does something emotionally intimate, like discussion groups or improv or anything else that makes it uncomfortable to do with the ex who cheated on you, it might not be feasible.

Since he is the person who let you down and torpedoed the relationship, he should have been gracious enough to offer to bow out of the club. But he didn’t, so, boo on him. You would be well within your rights to ask him, privately, “hey, since we aren’t together anymore, and since our breakup was really painful for me, I think it would be best if you stopped coming to club meetings at my house.”

Now, there’s always the potential that he could decide to blow this up into some drama, try and insist that he has every right to be there, try and get people on his side, etc. The key is that you do not engage. Do not participate in, or escalate, any of the drama. Simply go about your club-hosting duties, don’t gossip or vent to anyone else in the club about him, and let everyone see you being your best self.

You will get over this jerk, I promise! It will be annoying to have to keep seeing him because of this club, but just know your boundaries, set them clearly, and hold others to them. 

4 days ago Facebook recommended I friend one of my old girlfriends that I had lost touch with, so I did, and we got to talking, and I went and had coffee with her one time. This girl called me at 11:45 drunk off her ass confessing her love of me since high school on New Year’s Eve. Then got mad when I was like, ok, this is not my idea of fun. Ill be your friend but we aren’t compatible otherwise That was last night I was completely freaked out and this girl is just bonkers She is vague posting YouTube videos on her Facebook and being super vengeful because I didn’t want to sleep with her, just be her friend. I’m completely freaked out because I didn’t ask for that kind of commitment or expect this at all. My other partners are rallying around me and all tell me that I should just block her and ignore it.

Yes, you should block her and ignore this. You aren’t obligated to be friends with someone who makes you uncomfortable, no matter what your past together is like. It sounds like this drama is generally confined to the internet, which means that unfriending and blocking her should resolve things pretty neatly.

So I am currently single-ish. My soon-to-be partner is married to a man who is strictly monogamous, and we are both gay. She is getting a divorce and then we are going to finally be in a poly relationship. We have both come to terms with it, but here is my problem. I have never been Poly, was raised Monogamous and always been in monogamous relationships, so sometimes I still get overly jealous, especially about 1 person, her first love/ex gf. I hate her! How can I be okay with her being with Her

Is your soon-to-be-partner still connected to her first love/ex-gf? If so, try to identify what part of their relationship bothers you. Is it that you worry you’ll never measure up to someone’s “first love”? Our culture romanticizes that “first love” a lot, and leads us to believe that they’re someone you never truly get over, but that’s not always the case. Remind yourself that this woman has chosen to be with you, not her ex, and trust her choices and agency on that front.

Maybe you feel threatened by this person because they play an important role in your STBP’s past - I don’t have all the details here, but it sounds like since she identifies as gay and is divorcing a monogamous man, her self-realization as a gay woman is relatively recent. Is this first love/ex the person who helped your STBP discover her identity as a gay woman? If so, you might feel threatened by that - but again, remember that your STBP is no longer with this person, and is choosing to be with you instead. Exes are exes for a reason, and even if she was a significant part of your STBP’s life, she was a stepping stone on the way to you, not some looming background figure casting a shadow on the present.

Or, maybe the reason they’re exes is because your STBP was hurt badly by this person, and you hate her for what she did to a person you love. It can be hard to feel anything but anger towards the exes of your partners, because you often hear about the worst parts of that relationship rather than the positives that led them to get together in the first place. If your STBP is choosing to stay in contact with a person you believe is toxic and abusive, say something - otherwise, try to accept that these people have a connection, but remember that it doesn’t reflect on or threaten the connection you have with this woman today.