I am dating two people, and am not sure how to handle heavy topics that I'd only like to discuss one-on-one

I recently got into a poly relationship for the first time with my partner and datemate who have been together for several years. I have PTSD which they are both aware of and understanding about. I sometimes feel like I want to/should talk to them about this more in depth? But I feel like doing that in a setting with multiple people could make me freak out. I also don’t want to just talk with one of them about it because it feels to me like that would be unfair/unequal to them? Tips for this?

The best thing to do is to talk with both your partners about this concern! I’m not a psychic, but it seems highly likely that, if they are reasonable people, they will reassure you that it is OK to not have perfectly identical conversations with both of them. It can be tempting in the early stages of polyamory to try and make sure everything is “equal,” but relationships and conversations unfold naturally and resist whatever arbitrary balances we try to force them into.

It would be one thing if you were asking one partner to keep secrets from the other, or putting them in a position where only one person felt like you trusted them. But simply feeling comfortable enough to talk about your traumas and mental health in various situations isn’t the same thing as creating a problematic relationship dynamic.

So let them know that you have this concern, and you don’t want either of them to feel left out. Explain that as you grow closer to them and the relationship deepens, you’d like to be able to talk about some big, serious things - but it feels too overwhelming to have that conversation with two people at once.

Talk about whether all three of you would be okay with an arrangement where your partners freely discuss between each other what you share, or whether you’d prefer to manage all disclosures yourself. Give yourself space to work this out, and know that it might differ between topics. But if all three of you are flexible and present to each other’s needs, it’s likely that this will resolve into a non-issue and you’ll find that you all know how to have intimate conversations in ways that work for you.

I found out an ex of mine has changed his tune about being polyamorous

I was in a relationship with a poly man for 3 yrs and was open to polyamory. I had a hard time because he was constantly gas lighting me. He felt strongly against monogamy and would break agreements/boundaries that I needed to feel safe. I finally cut him off 2 months ago after he tried to pull me back into dating him. Recently I started having ptsd and I contacted him & he told me that he has a new gf and has realized he is monogamous and was never poly. I feel very confused and hurt and angry.

PTSD is a serious mental illness, and people with PTSD need and deserve treatment. If your relationship with this man left you with trauma, the solution is to work with a mental healthcare professional, not to try and re-open those wounds by contacting him.

If you were able to rationalize his mistreatment of you as “oh, he’s polyamorous, so he has to act like this, he can’t help it,” but suddenly he’s identifying as monogamous, you now have to face the realization that he was just acting badly, without that salve of a pseudo-rationale. That’s painful. It’s possible he’s saying this to you because he knows it will be painful for you. But do NOT let it re-frame his behavior as something that you “deserved” or somehow brought on yourself. He was a jerk to you and treated you poorly, and whatever excuse or explanation he had at the time doesn’t really change that fact.

This guy sounds like he was, and still is, unsafe for you. Stop contacting him - you don’t need him to make sense, or apologize, in order for you to heal and move on. He can be out there in the world being wrong, and being someone who wronged you. Let that be the truth. He lied to you, he mistreated you, he strung you along - he’s the bad guy. The rest doesn’t really matter. Find someone to work with on the PTSD and let yourself move forward, not back.