I recently got into a poly relationship for the first time with my partner and datemate who have been together for several years. I have PTSD which they are both aware of and understanding about. I sometimes feel like I want to/should talk to them about this more in depth? But I feel like doing that in a setting with multiple people could make me freak out. I also don’t want to just talk with one of them about it because it feels to me like that would be unfair/unequal to them? Tips for this?
The best thing to do is to talk with both your partners about this concern! I’m not a psychic, but it seems highly likely that, if they are reasonable people, they will reassure you that it is OK to not have perfectly identical conversations with both of them. It can be tempting in the early stages of polyamory to try and make sure everything is “equal,” but relationships and conversations unfold naturally and resist whatever arbitrary balances we try to force them into.
It would be one thing if you were asking one partner to keep secrets from the other, or putting them in a position where only one person felt like you trusted them. But simply feeling comfortable enough to talk about your traumas and mental health in various situations isn’t the same thing as creating a problematic relationship dynamic.
So let them know that you have this concern, and you don’t want either of them to feel left out. Explain that as you grow closer to them and the relationship deepens, you’d like to be able to talk about some big, serious things - but it feels too overwhelming to have that conversation with two people at once.
Talk about whether all three of you would be okay with an arrangement where your partners freely discuss between each other what you share, or whether you’d prefer to manage all disclosures yourself. Give yourself space to work this out, and know that it might differ between topics. But if all three of you are flexible and present to each other’s needs, it’s likely that this will resolve into a non-issue and you’ll find that you all know how to have intimate conversations in ways that work for you.