I just started dating a couple, but one member of that couple has problems with me spending alone time with our partner

I just got into a poly relationship with a couple who have been together for five years, we've been friends for three, we've all been dating for a month now. They have a whole pattern of existing already. We're all new to polyamory. We all spend time together really well, me and her alone is okay, but she gets jealous when I spend time with him alone. I want to be able to spend time equally with both of them alone without her getting upset. I don't know how to approach the topic since it's all new and I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to fully enjoy both relationships I have with them separately as well as together. He wants to spend time with me without her being upset as well. Do you have any advice for gently talking boundaries for a new relationship?

We all learned (or, at least, we were all supposed to learn) in kindergarten that it’s generally not okay to do things that make other people feel upset or hurt. So I don’t want to tell you that you’re wrong for caring about this, or that it’s a good idea to just go around doing things that you know make other people - especially people that you care about! - feel upset or hurt.

HOWEVER. As adults in relationships with other adults, it’s not always feasible for your goals to be based on someone else’s feelings. You say that you don’t want her to be upset, but there’s nothing you can do to control her feelings, and sometimes, people are just going to have feelings. You can’t change them and you can’t take responsibility for them. This person chose to enter into a polyamorous relationship with you two, and she is responsible for managing her choices and behaviors in this situation.

My question for you, to start, is how do you know that she “gets jealous” or is “upset?” If there is some behavior of hers that is making this relationship untenable, if she is treating you coldly or picking fights or something, then you can talk to her about that. You can let her know how those behaviors are affecting you, and clarify what needs to change for this three person relationship to function in a way that’s healthy for everyone.

Theoretically, all three of you have the same goal: for him, you, AND her to be comfortable, happy, healthy, and functional within the relationship. You’ll want to ask her what you and he can do to help her feel more secure, and if she asks you for things that are possible and reasonable, try doing those things. Then it will be your turn to let her know how this is affecting you, and what you need from her to make the relationship work.

Ultimately, she needs to manage her own emotions and not make them your responsibility. If she just needs to work through these feelings, then try not to make them your problem or get too fussed over them. Someone can be out in the world being upset without that needing to take up emotional real estate in your head. Figure out whether you and your new partner can navigate your togetherness without constantly worrying about what she might be thinking, and then if there is an issue, address her actions rather than the feelings you’re perceiving her to have.

My partner agreed to open our relationship, but has been acting distressingly over it

im always open about wanting a poly relationship, but recently I realized I cant do mono forever & told my partner. They were a little hurt, but ultimately said they wanted to open the relationship. Since then though, they've broken down crying about it twice (haven't even been with anyone else yet). I dont feel right about this, but they keep insisting its better than losing me. They refused counseling with me, & idk what else to do. Theyre REALLY going through a lot rn, but idk if i can stay

Don’t stay in this relationship. Someone “going through a lot” doesn’t obligate you to stay in a relationship. If you’re at the point of “I don’t know if I can stay” and “they refused counseling with me,” it’s time to get out. When you said you needed to change the terms of the relationship, they may have said that they will abide by those new terms, but their behavior shows that they are not. You don’t need my permission to leave this relationship, but you have my support and encouragement.

My wife is experiencing a change in her sexuality. How can I support her without losing what's important to me about the relationship?

I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we recently got her off the pill when I had a vasectomy. Now, she has found that she is attracted to another woman. She doesn’t know what it means as far as whether she wants a girlfriend, or what she would even be ok with sexually with a woman. We never even discussed opening the relationship until very recently. I am not interested in other partners or losing a ton of time with her. Is there a way to make it work?

I think this is one of the best and most easily answered questions I have EVER gotten. Major kudos to you, dude!

Most people in your situation write to me and say that they feel “jealous” or “insecure” or “uncomfortable” and I have to try and walk them through what, specifically, they are worried about, and see if those concrete things feel easier to address, triage, and strategize for (they usually do).

But you, good and wonderful sir, kind letter writer, instead said that you were not interested in two specific things: you having other partners, and you losing a ton of time with your wife.

The great news is that those are both completely possible to work around and address!

First, you do not have to have other partners. You do not have to decide that “opening up” your relationship means that you’re suddenly cruising kinky singles pages together or anything like that. Your wife can explore her sexuality with other women without it affecting anything except, specifically, the time she spends doing that.

Which leads (so neatly! so perfectly!) to your next concern: losing a ton of time with her. That is a completely reasonable concern! I imagine that you married this person precisely because you enjoy being around her. (The fact that three years into the pandemic your primary concern is not getting to hang out more with your wife makes my heart explode with joy.)

Due to the laws of physics, any time she spends out having sex with or dating women is time that she can’t be home hanging out with you. So, in many ways, this is a “zero-sum” issue, which can be tough in relationships! But you don’t say that you won’t abide ever missing out on time with your wife - you’re worried about losing “a ton” of time.

So think about what “a ton” would mean for you, then work backwards to something you feel reasonable and mature about tolerating. Maybe every Friday you hang out with your friends and she’s free to have a date night, because you wouldn’t be hanging out with her anyway. Maybe you decide that you’re OK with her going out as long as she plans it in advance so you’re not Surprise Alone on random nights. Or maybe you’re less fussed about specific times she does other stuff as long as she honors your Date Nights. Your worries might be entirely unfounded - she might also be envisioning the same sort of arrangement as you. Work together, knowing exactly what’s important to you, to make this work for both of you.

Which leads me to your final question: Is there a way to make this work? My answer is YES, because of you. Your attitude - “let’s figure out how to make this work” - has led you to the right place.

You’ve already identified what are your “non negotiables” in this, which means you’ve also identified where you’re open to change or compromise. Starting from here, you’ll be able to honestly and openly lay out for her what you want, how you’re feeling, and what she can do to make this go smoothly for you. Then ask her what you can do to help this go smoothly for her. You’re both on the same side, the same team. You have the same goal: make it possible for your wife to pursue something new and exciting without damaging the relationship you two have and cherish.

Please also note! This process I’ve described will lead you to a lot of specific relationship rules, but those can be dangerous. Be sure to always follow the spirit over the letter of the law and check in frequently about whether they’re still working for both of you. Be flexible and always assume good intent. These tend to relax in practice before they relax “officially,” which can lead to situations where the fact that someone has committed a “betrayal” or “violation” is worse than what they actually did, which isn’t helpful.

I'm trying out polyamory with my partner, but we're having a hard time communicating about it

So my fiancée and I started a poly relationship and I think I made a big mistake. At first Poly sounded like a great thing for me and I thought I was into it but I have no idea how to get over how it’s making me feel.

My fiancée recently got a boyfriend and I love that she’s happy.

I just know that in the last few weeks I’ve been subtly hedging at the fact that I’m uncomfortable with how soon she jumped into this and how fast it’s progressing. We had just had a huge 3 day non fight/misunderstanding, and we had just got it fixed then less than 5 hours later she’s talking to him about being her boyfriend. She has hinted back that if I were to speak my piece now that she’s with him that she’d probably leave me. Idk if she really would but that’s how it came across. Also she said she would have been totally fine being monogamous if we hadn’t decided to open our relationship in the first place and it feels like she’s pinning it on me.

Is it wrong of be to be super hurt that she is not valuing me in this way? I wouldn’t ask her to break up with him. I really like the guy, he has been her best friend since 6th grade. They have insane chemistry that I’m honestly envious of. Several people have told me that he is going to steal her away from me. I just want my thoughts heard and maybe for her to help me through whatever is going on in my head.

“Hedging” and “hinting” are not healthy or effective methods of communication in any relationship! You two need to stop trying to become amateur psychics and just speak with each other openly, honestly, and clearly.

It sounds like you’re worried that if you express any sort of discomfort or unmet need, she will interpret it as you asking her to end the relationship. But you’re not seeing things as “zero sum” or “black and white,” and you’re capable of having uncomfortable feelings without demanding that she immediately blow everything up to soothe you. That’s great - so you need to TELL her that!

You know what you want: to feel heard and to be able to have safe conversations about your own feelings without her immediately jumping to “okay, if you insist, I’ll end this relationship.” You were able to articulate this to me very well, so now you need to say that to her.

I’d encourage you to stop the “bean counting” about how many hours elapse between conversations; life is complicated and people just do things, and there’s not usually much significance to the specifics. But it’s okay for you to feel any way you feel, and it’s okay to want those feelings heard.

Try saying something like this to her:

“Hey, I want you to know that I support your new relationship. I see the chemistry you two have, and I respect the connection between you two. At the same time, this polyamory thing is very new for me, and sometimes I have feelings or anxieties come up in my head.

When that happens, it doesn’t mean that I am trying to pressure you to make a change. I don’t want my feelings to function as a threat to your relationship, and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’m using my own discomfort to push you into ending things with him.

However, I do need to know that you understand my feelings, that you can be present to me in my discomfort, and that we can talk things out. Sometimes I just need some of your time and attention, and sometimes I just need to know that you heard me out when I wanted to share my feelings.

What can I do to express my feelings of discomfort without making you feel like I’m asking you to leave your other partner? How can I ask for your presence and care without you seeing it as a demand or accusation?”

Then tell her what she can do to help you feel heard when you share your thoughts and feelings. Be as specific as possible - maybe you just need her to say “thanks for telling me that, I know this is new and hard and sometimes scary, I really appreciate you being willing to explore this with me!” and give you a hug. Maybe you have some specific questions you need her to answer, or specific reassurances about your relationship that you need her to speak and then demonstrate with certain actions.

It sounds like the existence of communication, especially communication about tough feelings, is something that makes you two uncomfortable right now, so do whatever you can to get some practice with that skill and build that muscle.

You could suggest reading some materials on healthy polyamory together, so you can have some open discussions about what you’re reading. Sometimes people prefer to have these conversations over email so that they can take a break or not get caught up in their emotional responses. Maybe you two would benefit from some time together where you don’t talk about any of this, but just tend to your relationship together! Do some exploration and experimentation and figure out what makes you feel heard and secure.

My boyfriend tried to talk to me about being polyam, but it went poorly. Now what?

So my boyfriend came out at poly to my today while I was at work, and I was stressed and over reacted because my experience with polygamy is well… it’s a cult thing (that’s all I know). He’s pissed cause I said I don’t know how to handle seeing him fall for another, cause I’m aromantic/demisexual myself. He’s really mad and keeps bringing up old arguments saying I never change when I said I’ll try to get over it because I want him in my life. What do I do?

Here’s what you do:

“Hey, wonderful. I’m sorry that when you came out to me today, I was taken aback and overwhelmed and didn’t react in the best way. I made assumptions and jumped to conclusions, and I’m not happy about how the conversation went.

Can we start again? I really do want to talk about this with you from a place of calm, honesty, and maturity.

I know that things didn’t go well before, and I’m sorry about that - are you able to accept my apology and talk about the issue on the table, which is your polyamory, rather than continuing to litigate the tone and tenor of our last conversation?

If you want to keep talking about my patterns and how we communicate, I’m happy to talk about that. Are there arguments we’ve had that are still bothering you? Are there patterns in how I talk to you that you want to discuss? However, I think that needs to be a completely different conversation than the one about polyamory.

We can talk about how to have healthier dialogue and what you perceive as ongoing issues, and we can talk about your interest in polyamory, but trying to have those conversations on top of one another isn’t working.

I love you, and I’m sorry about how things went down earlier. I do want to discuss this with you from a place of love and curiosity, and I wasn’t able to be in that headspace while I was at work. Let’s try again.”

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I have a crush on my polyam friends, but don't know where to go from here

I'm poly and have gone on dates here and there but never actually been in a committed polycule. To be honest I'm not looking for anything very serious, but recently I've found I have two friends who are together and poly that I've been light heartedly flirting with. I didn't want to take the first step in asking them if they wanted to have some fun and go on a couple of dates because I wasn't sure if they were looking for something casual or more serious, but then they talked to me about what I was looking for and I was honest with them. This may sound silly but I don't know where to go from here! I like them both a lot and hanging with them as a group and one on one, but I'm unsure where to go from here now that we've established interest. I know I should just talk to them, but I want to go to them with some idea of what I concretely want moving forward and honestly I keep falling short. All I can think of is just "spend time with them and have sex together or one on one" but I don't know that that's enough.

My friend, I think you are overthinking this! If you like hanging out with them, and they like hanging out with you, keep doing that. If they asked you how you felt and you told them, and they were open and receptive, let things keep going in that direction!

You are correct that you “should just talk to them,” but you are being way too hard on yourself by concluding that what you have to say is not “enough.” You know what you want - to spend time together, and to be open to sexual or romantic connection - and that is an entirely normal and healthy and common way for people to be together!

Try saying something like this:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you two, together and one on one. I know that you two are polyam, and I am thinking that I’d be interested in exploring that with you. I like our friendly connection and can see that moving in a romantic direction. I am also sexually attracted to both of you and would be interested in cuddles, kisses, and sex.

At the same time, I am feeling unsure about what I want to call this, or whether I can articulate exactly what kind of relationship blueprint I am hoping for. Are you okay with taking things slow and just letting them evolve organically the way they already have been between us?”

What you’ve described here sounds pretty healthy and fun, and is in fact how most relationships, polyam or mono, tend to evolve and grow. Follow what feels good and try to relax about the specifics.

Is multiple partnerships a "need" for someone who is polyamorous?

I'm still new, as I only recently started thinking I was polyamorous, and my gf of 5 months is aware and okay with me dating other people and it's really healthy between us. My question is, do polyamorous people NEED multiple partners? I'm okay with just having one partner, but I would rather have two or three. Is that still normal, or at least not impossible?

Polyamorous people don’t “need” multiple partners, because no one fundamentally “needs” a romantic partnership to survive. We need air, and food, and water, and sleep, and things like that.

But that’s a bit of a glib answer. Technically monogamous people don’t “need” partners either, but many people’s desire to be partnered is strong enough that it can feel like a requirement for a fulfilling life. There’s an entire media genre centered around the ways that people seek romantic partnership to meet a perceived need in their life!

Some people “need” certain things, not to survive but to be happy. Some people find that their most fulfilled life must include raising kids, or being able to express themselves artistically, or living close to nature. For some people who are polyamorous, it may certainly be that their best life can only be lived by being in multiple partnerships. Whether this is a “need” is ultimately a question of semantics.

Given the other details in your question, it doesn’t seem like this is a hair you need to spend much time splitting. If your partner is okay with you dating other people, and things are working in a healthy way, does it really matter whether this is something you’d be unable to live well without, or just something you really want? It doesn’t matter how “normal” your experience is - it’s your experience, and the only person it needs to work for is you!

You also answer your own question there when you say you’d be “okay” with just one partner, but “would rather” have two or three. You sound pretty self-aware that you know what it would take for you to be in a relationship that you are “okay with” vs one where you get more of what you want. You have all the information you need, so just keep on doing what you’re doing.

I am dating two people, and am not sure how to handle heavy topics that I'd only like to discuss one-on-one

I recently got into a poly relationship for the first time with my partner and datemate who have been together for several years. I have PTSD which they are both aware of and understanding about. I sometimes feel like I want to/should talk to them about this more in depth? But I feel like doing that in a setting with multiple people could make me freak out. I also don’t want to just talk with one of them about it because it feels to me like that would be unfair/unequal to them? Tips for this?

The best thing to do is to talk with both your partners about this concern! I’m not a psychic, but it seems highly likely that, if they are reasonable people, they will reassure you that it is OK to not have perfectly identical conversations with both of them. It can be tempting in the early stages of polyamory to try and make sure everything is “equal,” but relationships and conversations unfold naturally and resist whatever arbitrary balances we try to force them into.

It would be one thing if you were asking one partner to keep secrets from the other, or putting them in a position where only one person felt like you trusted them. But simply feeling comfortable enough to talk about your traumas and mental health in various situations isn’t the same thing as creating a problematic relationship dynamic.

So let them know that you have this concern, and you don’t want either of them to feel left out. Explain that as you grow closer to them and the relationship deepens, you’d like to be able to talk about some big, serious things - but it feels too overwhelming to have that conversation with two people at once.

Talk about whether all three of you would be okay with an arrangement where your partners freely discuss between each other what you share, or whether you’d prefer to manage all disclosures yourself. Give yourself space to work this out, and know that it might differ between topics. But if all three of you are flexible and present to each other’s needs, it’s likely that this will resolve into a non-issue and you’ll find that you all know how to have intimate conversations in ways that work for you.

I've been flirting with someone and we've discussed dating, but he hasn't told his girlfriend

My partner is fine with me dating my crush, but my crush hasn’t told his gf he’s poly. He’s continuing to flirt with me while also delaying talking to her. I’m trying really hard to get him to talk to his gf cause he’s being a dick to both of us by not telling her, I’m tired of being his secret, and I don’t want his gf getting hurt. So I guess I have two questions: 1. Am I also an asshole in this situation, for letting things get this far? 2. How do I get outta this mess?

I don’t think you’re an asshole - it sounds like you were acting in good faith, expecting that he’s going to talk to his girlfriend about permission to date you. And now that things have gone this far, you’re realizing that they shouldn’t go farther without her consent.

Let him know that you’re no longer comfortable with things as they stand, and you feel dangerously close to being complicit in his choice to cheat on his girlfriend. Tell him that everything between you two needs to halt immediately and can only resume once she’s fully informed and on board.

My LDR partner's other partner treats me abominably

I'm in my first poly-relationship and it’s a LDR. His GF (since 8 years, she's the primary) can't deal with the situation. She's also poly and has a BF besides him. We have a LDR so we only see each other once a month (for 2 days). But every time we have a date, she's texting him that she feels like shit because he's out with me and even when we she has a date with her other boyfriend she uses her right to veto to forbid him to see me when I'm in town. Last time he wanted to see me, she broke up with him (but one day later she apologized). We still had a date that day. Is that normal when a new person joins to behave that way, or is it me who is overthinking it? I don't know what to do in the current Situation and I don't now how to think about her behaviour (i feel very hurt by it). Last time she texted me and said that she's the primary and she should be the most important to him and if she doesn’t want us to date she expects him to drop me.

No, her behavior is not appropriate at all. This is not healthy polyamory. That’s not really how “right to veto” is supposed to work, and texting your metamour to say possessive things like that is, at the very least, extremely rude. Your feelings that she is out of line and being hurtful are entirely legitimate.

Have you talked to your new partner about this? Your relationship is, in the end, with him and not her. Have you told him that her behavior is hurtful to you? Is he willing to stand up to her and set his own boundaries, like saying that he won’t be fielding texts from here while on a date with you, or that he won’t honor a last-minute “veto” demanding he cancel a planned visit with you when you’re in town? Does he agree with her that your relationship with him will always be on a less secure footing than theirs? If he’s willing to work on this and gives you clear evidence that he can actually make progress, then you can decide whether you want to wait that out.

If this seems like a pattern he’s pretty committed to, and he’s not willing and able to make any changes, then you’ll need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with this much drama and uncertainty attached. Do you want to date someone who thinks it’s okay for their other partners to treat you like this? Do you want to be part of a polyamorous arrangement with a person who behaves like that? If you decide to stay, at least be clear-eyed about deciding that whatever he offers is worth putting up with all their nonsense - don’t be thinking that you can somehow convince her to be reasonable.

How do I support my friend who just came out to me as polyamorous?

Hi! My friend has just told me that she is poly and I was wondering if you had any advice on how to support her? Ive told her I love her and support her 100%, but I was wondering if there is more I can do to help her (she's just realised it) thank you ❤

Best thing you can do is to ask her! Sometimes, people worry that when they come out, they’ll be treated differently, and often even attempts to be supportive can feel like “different treatment” - like suddenly buying someone a bunch of pride flag stuff and sending them links to articles about LGBTQ stories, which could make them fear that you see them differently and only through this new lens. But for other people, that would feel really affirming, and they’d really appreciate a friend making an effort to bring it up, learn about it, and actively support it!

You can also educate yourself about polyamory so she doesn’t have to do 101-level education for you (answering the same questions over and over gets old). That might also equip you to head off some of questions or ignorance from other people in your social circle, but of course, make sure she’s OK with this. Again, some people would love it if the education groundwork was done by someone else; other people would be really disturbed that someone else was discussing their identity and answering questions on their behalf.

Never out someone without their permission - ask her how she wants you to discuss this with people who ask, and honor any of her concerns about how this might impact her family or professional community.

Be open and curious, listen to her, talk things through with her, be a good sounding board - but hold your own boundaries and don’t feel like you need to let every conversation center around her new identity work, or that you need to have all the answers for her. Sometimes, new realizations like this can be pretty all-consuming, so be patient if she wants to talk about it often, but be aware of your own needs and head off frustration or resentment before it boils over.

Just keep being a good friend - a good listener, an honest communicator, a collaborator in fun, and you’ll be fine!

I'm dating two guys, and want to make it serious with both of them, but am not sure how to have that conversation

I've been - openly, but they don't know each other - seeing two different guys, for about the same amount of time but not really seriously on either side. I want them to hopefully turn into actual relationships I'm just not sure how to bring about the conversation of "I want to be serious with you, but also him at the same time" and am scared that will send them both running. Any advice?

The great thing, and the terrifying thing, about relationships is that there is no set of magic words you can say to ensure someone else responds well. You should definitely have that conversation, and then if one or both guys goes running, well, that’s just what happened. You can’t prevent or control that. Hiding your feelings/desires from a partner for fear of scaring them off is miserable, and not something I ever recommend.

You’ve got to just come out and say “hey, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now, and I really like you! I’m interested in talking about how we see this relationship moving forward, how committed we feel, and what we both want! And that should include the fact that I’m also having the same feelings about, and conversations with, Orzaggo.” And then you two can talk about how he feels about non-monogamy, and about dating you, and about feelings, and all those super sticky but worthwhile conversational topics!

And if he runs, well, that’s information you have - that he isn’t someone who wants to date you as all of who you are, which is someone capable and desirous of dating multiple people. You would have found that out eventually; delaying this risky conversation doesn’t reduce the risk, it actually just raises the stakes. Best of luck!

I'm married and polyam, but everyone I try to date gets too "weirded out"

I’m poly and have been for the past 3 years. My husband and I got married before I knew that’s what I wanted but no matter what I do, people I date keep dumping me because they say they’re too weirded out by it and the fact that I’m married is too much. I know there’s nothing I can do to change anyone’s mindsets or views on monogamy/non monogamy but what can I do to protect myself from taking this all to heart? I’m tired of getting dumped and hearing “you’re amazing but this is too weird.”

My two pieces of advice for you are: One, think about whether there’s a way you’re acting or talking that is setting off alarm bells for other people. Do you prioritize your marriage over everything? Stick to rigid “ground rules” that limit how you can connect with other people? Talk about your husband constantly? You may be able to mitigate some of the feeling of “weirdness” by making some adjustments in those areas.

Two, start actively seeking out people who are polyamorous and already understand non monogamy. You’re going to run into a lot of confusion and stigma if you are trying to meet people in the majority-monogamous parts of the population. Check out online dating, local polyam meetups, and my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date.

A polyamorous person has been flirting with me, but I don't really know what that means

So there's this girl that I thought was flirting with me and she asked for my snapchat. She kept mentioning partners so I asked her what she meant by that and she said she was in a poly relationship with a man and woman who she loves with all her heart. I'm totally fine with all this, but I have no real experience with polyamory. If she is already dating (and kind of living with) 2 people, what does that mean for me? I'm not working this very well, but any advice you could give would be great!

I don’t know - but you know who does? Her! She knows what her relationships are like, and what she’s looking for in a new partner. Your best bet is to ask her: I’m interested in you, but what would it mean for me? What do you want, and what don’t you want, from a new partner? If you started dating someone new right now, what would that look like for you, and for them? What boundaries do you have around dating people? What are your current relationships like? How did they start?

It’s possible that both of her “love with all my heart” partners started out as flirting on Snapchat, and she’s interested in dating someone to see if things move toward becoming significant, committed partners. It’s also possible that she feels “at capacity” for that kind of relationship and wants something more permanently casual. It’s possible that she rejects the binary I just set up and has a completely different best-case set of desires! Express your interest and open up that conversation. If there’s one thing we polyam folks love, it’s open communication. Best of luck!

My partner has never dated a woman, or dated polyamorously, before - and she says stuff that makes me feel ashamed

I’m (F) in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and recently started dating a girl. She has never dated a woman before let alone one with a husband and she is very obviously struggling with this. Her friends aren’t supportive, she generally thinks all the wrong things about polyamory and what that means for her and I’m struggling to not feel shameful from her comments and feelings about it. She hasn’t broken it off with me but the shame is building inside me and I don’t know what to do!

Generally, if someone is in a relationship with someone who is acting and speaking in a way that makes them feel shame, my advice is to leave the relationship. It’s not your responsibility to try and educate someone out of ignorance if that ignorance is causing you personal pain.

That said, just because it isn’t your responsibility doesn’t mean you can’t decide to do it, if it sounds like something you’re willing to take on. Be open and clear with her: “Bethilda, when you say things like ‘you’ll never truly be all mine,’ it implies that you’re thinking of relationships in a possessive model, and that bothers me. I worry you feel like Dirkfell ‘owns’ me and you’re trying to ‘have’ some of me by taking me away from him. That’s a common way to think about relationships, but it’s now how I see myself and my relationships, and it’s not the best framing for what you and I, or Dirkfell and I, have together."

Then, follow it up by suggesting a re-framing. Don’t argue with how she feels, just explain your perspective and how that might help with some of the assumptions that are leading her to say and think those things. Try not to sound accusatory - “you’re wrong and you shouldn’t say these things because they make me feel bad” - frame it like you’re on her side and want to help her understand things in a clearer way, which could alleviate some of her confusion or fears. Consider pointing her to some resources - don’t just overwhelm her with links, send her one blog post that you think helps, or buy her one copy of a book and offer to read and discuss it with her.

Ultimately, though, being someone’s first same-sex partner, and/or someone’s first polyamorous partner, can be emotionally exhausting, as you help them untangle a lot of internalized shame, fear, confusion, and misunderstandings. Give yourself space, surround yourself with positivity, and be willing to set boundaries: “I know your friends are saying hurtful things to you, but it’s also painful for me when you repeat that judgmental stuff about our relationship back to me. I’m happy to answer your questions and support you, but I can’t just listen to you vent about someone else’s bigotry, because being exposed to bigotry sucks.”

My partner's friends are telling her that being polyamorous with me sets her up for hurt and abandonment

I’m married to a man and poly with a woman as well. We just started dating and she said she told her best friends about me and my lifestyle and they freaked! They told her she is going to get hurt and that she should find someone else. I don’t know what to do without having support from the closest people in her life and I don’t want to be seen as a flight risk just because they don’t understand commitment and polyamory. I have no idea how to meet these people eventually without feeling hurt.

This is not actually an actionable problem for you right now. Some people you don’t know, but who know someone you’re close to, are being ignorant. There’s nothing you can do, or should try to do, about that.

Be there for your partner - she’s dealing with the pain of being judged and rejected by her friends. If she asks, help provide her with resources about coming out as polyamorous, or ways she can explain to her friends that what she’s doing is healthy and consensual. But if she doesn’t ask, leave the topic alone. Don’t try to argue with her friends through her.

She may be believing these people, and worrying about the security of your relationship with her. Do what you can to reassure her, through words and actions, that you are safe and committed. Answer her questions when they come up. Don’t get defensive or act like it’s her obligation to either change her friends’ minds, or shut out their opinions completely. Be open, reassuring, and loving.

There is a chance that if these people are adamant enough or close enough to her to be convincing, she could get freaked out and wants to take some distance or leave the relationship, that will be frustrating and painful for you, but even though she’s acting on wrong information that other people are telling her, it’s her choice to make.

Don’t worry so much yet about meeting these friends of hers who you know don’t approve of your place in her life. It doesn’t sound like she’s pushing for that, or like you’re all about to go on a cruise together. If you’re at a social gathering with them, be charming and sweet while keeping enough polite distance to protect your own feelings.

I want to date someone else. My boyfriend seems okay with it, but won't say much.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 years, we've talked about having another person in our relationship (always with a she pronoun). Today I brought up a guy that wanted to take me on a date, and asked him if he was okay with it, all I got was a "well if you want to". I do want to see this new guy but don't want to upset my partner either. What do you think I should do?

It sounds like it’s just you who would be dating this new guy. That means that the third person is not “in your relationship.” There is a new relationship that would form. This is generally called V-shaped or “Vee” polyamory. It’s important to have the right language for what you’re feeling and doing, because that can help you frame it in an accurate way, approach it without assumptions or misunderstandings, and point you to helpful resources.

Polyamory requires open and honest communication. “Well, if you want to” does not qualify. You need to talk to your boyfriend about his best-case and worst-case scenario, as well as yours. What do you want out of this? How do you feel? How does he feel? What might change between you two? What are dealbreakers for each of you? What questions do both of you have?

If he’s not willing or able to have this kind of conversation, then he’s probably not someone able to be in a healthy polyamorous or open relationship.

I'm in a monogamous relationship, but there's someone else in my life I have strong feelings for

I'm in a committed relationship with someone and I know he has plans to marry me. There's another guy I've been friends with for a while and he split my last relationship up (not intentionally - I realized I had really strong feelings for him and we ended up having a little bit of a thing going on, which my ex found out about.) I still love him and always have the urge to kiss him. How do I tell my now partner. Am I poly?

I can't tell you whether you're poly; that's up to you to figure out! I have an FAQ page about that here.

Some people in monogamous relationships do have feelings/urges for other people, and consider it part of their commitment to their partner that they choose not to act on those feelings. Only you can decide for yourself whether having feelings for another person means you should try to change the terms of your existing relationship, or whether you need to take some space from that other person and accept that monogamy often requires work and sacrifice, just like polyamory.

Or, you can decide that these feelings are not something you can, or are willing to, ignore. In that case, it's worth bringing up with your partner. However, be prepared for the possibility that your partner is unwilling to be in a non-monogamous relationship with you. In that case, you'll need to decide how to act on that information from him. If it's a dealbreaker, you'll need to leave the relationship - it'll suck, but at least you learned about this incompatibility issue before you got married.

If you want to say "okay, now I know where you stand, I'm glad I checked," and continue with monogamy, be prepared for your partner to wrestle with some insecurity or jealousy, since this is being brought on by your strong feelings for someone that you've already shown a willingness to cheat with, or leave another partner for. This is a pretty fraught situation, and you'll need to really clarify for yourself whether this is about you realizing that you have the ability to love more than one person and want to be able to pursue that; or you realizing that you just really, really want to be with this one specific person.

It's entirely possible that your friend wouldn't want to be your second partner; or if you leave your current partner for him, that things wouldn't work out with him anyway. Try to maintain clear lines between "I want to try non-monogamy" and "I really want to date this particular guy" and know what you are, and are not, willing to sacrifice to pursue one or the other.

My partner and I started seeing someone else, and they're worried they'll break us up

My partner and i just added a third. Our third is afraid of splitting my partner and I up. Is there anyway we can prove to our third that we both want it to be the three of us for the long haul?

Short answer, no: there is very little you can do to change how someone else thinks or feels, and there is nothing you can do in the present to provide 'proof' of something in the future.

However, you can try and talk things out and help everyone understand where everyone else is coming from. Ask your new partner: where are these feelings coming from? Is there something we're saying or doing that's sparking this anxiety? What could we do to help you feel more secure?

You can be reassuring, and let them know that you're both happy with the way things are now, and that you will let them know if concerns come up or something starts to change. Stick to your word on that - be open, honest, and vulnerable. People often find it easier to trust you after you've demonstrated that you're willing to say awkward, uncomfortable truths and share difficult feelings, even if it's a smaller-stakes issue.

Let them know that this isn't their problem to worry about, that you two are committed to making the triad work, and that if something comes up in the future, you'll handle it then. Talk about what you like about this new triad and your best-case-scenarios for the future.

Sometimes, things like this fade with time. Newness and change are scary, and our brains sometimes funnel that nebulous anxiety into specific fears, whether or not they're grounded. Stay in the present, knowing that the three of you can cross future bridges when you come to them, trusting your future selves to handle what comes up, and doing your best not to 'borrow trouble' if things are working out right now.

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My girlfriend wants to be in a polyamorous relationship with her ex, but I'm not sure

I'm open to a polyamorous relationship and my girlfriend wants to have one with me and her ex. This would be my first polyamorous relationship and I don't really know the guy. Should I be worried about it? Possibly if he steals her away from me instead of it being a group relationship?

If your girlfriend wants you to just start dating a guy you don't really know, that's not very fair or reasonable. You cannot 'assign' or 'agree' people into relationships - it doesn't work that way. Don't date a guy just because your girlfriend wants you to.

It makes more sense for her to start dating him, and you get to know him, and see how the two of you feel about each other. There is nothing wrong with a V-shaped polyamorous relationship. Being friendly metamours is often the best way for people to relate.

If she's adamant that she only wants a closed/triad/group relationship, then she'll need to be patient and wait for you two to meet someone or grow close with someone that you also want to date.

As for your second question - no, I would not advise you to be worried about that. I can't promise you that it won't possibly happen, since no one can predict the future, but polyamory tends to make it less likely that someone will leave you for someone else, not more. Also, it's impossible for him to "steal her away" - if she leaves you to be monogamous with him, or anyone else, it would be because she made that decision herself, and you can't control her decisions. Unless he's saying and doing things that make it seem like he's trying to shift into a monogamous relationship with her and get her to break up with you, I wouldn't worry about this.

Something to be worried about, though, is that he's her ex. Why did they break up? Does that reason still exist? Are there any red flags or concerns you have about him? Getting back together with exes is not typically a great idea; so be sure you understand what his deal is, why she wants to get back together with him, and whether you want to be part of a situation that involves him.

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