I'm trying out polyamory with my partner, but we're having a hard time communicating about it

So my fiancée and I started a poly relationship and I think I made a big mistake. At first Poly sounded like a great thing for me and I thought I was into it but I have no idea how to get over how it’s making me feel.

My fiancée recently got a boyfriend and I love that she’s happy.

I just know that in the last few weeks I’ve been subtly hedging at the fact that I’m uncomfortable with how soon she jumped into this and how fast it’s progressing. We had just had a huge 3 day non fight/misunderstanding, and we had just got it fixed then less than 5 hours later she’s talking to him about being her boyfriend. She has hinted back that if I were to speak my piece now that she’s with him that she’d probably leave me. Idk if she really would but that’s how it came across. Also she said she would have been totally fine being monogamous if we hadn’t decided to open our relationship in the first place and it feels like she’s pinning it on me.

Is it wrong of be to be super hurt that she is not valuing me in this way? I wouldn’t ask her to break up with him. I really like the guy, he has been her best friend since 6th grade. They have insane chemistry that I’m honestly envious of. Several people have told me that he is going to steal her away from me. I just want my thoughts heard and maybe for her to help me through whatever is going on in my head.

“Hedging” and “hinting” are not healthy or effective methods of communication in any relationship! You two need to stop trying to become amateur psychics and just speak with each other openly, honestly, and clearly.

It sounds like you’re worried that if you express any sort of discomfort or unmet need, she will interpret it as you asking her to end the relationship. But you’re not seeing things as “zero sum” or “black and white,” and you’re capable of having uncomfortable feelings without demanding that she immediately blow everything up to soothe you. That’s great - so you need to TELL her that!

You know what you want: to feel heard and to be able to have safe conversations about your own feelings without her immediately jumping to “okay, if you insist, I’ll end this relationship.” You were able to articulate this to me very well, so now you need to say that to her.

I’d encourage you to stop the “bean counting” about how many hours elapse between conversations; life is complicated and people just do things, and there’s not usually much significance to the specifics. But it’s okay for you to feel any way you feel, and it’s okay to want those feelings heard.

Try saying something like this to her:

“Hey, I want you to know that I support your new relationship. I see the chemistry you two have, and I respect the connection between you two. At the same time, this polyamory thing is very new for me, and sometimes I have feelings or anxieties come up in my head.

When that happens, it doesn’t mean that I am trying to pressure you to make a change. I don’t want my feelings to function as a threat to your relationship, and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’m using my own discomfort to push you into ending things with him.

However, I do need to know that you understand my feelings, that you can be present to me in my discomfort, and that we can talk things out. Sometimes I just need some of your time and attention, and sometimes I just need to know that you heard me out when I wanted to share my feelings.

What can I do to express my feelings of discomfort without making you feel like I’m asking you to leave your other partner? How can I ask for your presence and care without you seeing it as a demand or accusation?”

Then tell her what she can do to help you feel heard when you share your thoughts and feelings. Be as specific as possible - maybe you just need her to say “thanks for telling me that, I know this is new and hard and sometimes scary, I really appreciate you being willing to explore this with me!” and give you a hug. Maybe you have some specific questions you need her to answer, or specific reassurances about your relationship that you need her to speak and then demonstrate with certain actions.

It sounds like the existence of communication, especially communication about tough feelings, is something that makes you two uncomfortable right now, so do whatever you can to get some practice with that skill and build that muscle.

You could suggest reading some materials on healthy polyamory together, so you can have some open discussions about what you’re reading. Sometimes people prefer to have these conversations over email so that they can take a break or not get caught up in their emotional responses. Maybe you two would benefit from some time together where you don’t talk about any of this, but just tend to your relationship together! Do some exploration and experimentation and figure out what makes you feel heard and secure.

My boyfriend tried to talk to me about being polyam, but it went poorly. Now what?

So my boyfriend came out at poly to my today while I was at work, and I was stressed and over reacted because my experience with polygamy is well… it’s a cult thing (that’s all I know). He’s pissed cause I said I don’t know how to handle seeing him fall for another, cause I’m aromantic/demisexual myself. He’s really mad and keeps bringing up old arguments saying I never change when I said I’ll try to get over it because I want him in my life. What do I do?

Here’s what you do:

“Hey, wonderful. I’m sorry that when you came out to me today, I was taken aback and overwhelmed and didn’t react in the best way. I made assumptions and jumped to conclusions, and I’m not happy about how the conversation went.

Can we start again? I really do want to talk about this with you from a place of calm, honesty, and maturity.

I know that things didn’t go well before, and I’m sorry about that - are you able to accept my apology and talk about the issue on the table, which is your polyamory, rather than continuing to litigate the tone and tenor of our last conversation?

If you want to keep talking about my patterns and how we communicate, I’m happy to talk about that. Are there arguments we’ve had that are still bothering you? Are there patterns in how I talk to you that you want to discuss? However, I think that needs to be a completely different conversation than the one about polyamory.

We can talk about how to have healthier dialogue and what you perceive as ongoing issues, and we can talk about your interest in polyamory, but trying to have those conversations on top of one another isn’t working.

I love you, and I’m sorry about how things went down earlier. I do want to discuss this with you from a place of love and curiosity, and I wasn’t able to be in that headspace while I was at work. Let’s try again.”

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Is it selfish of me to get upset when my partner uses some of our inside jokes with his other partners? Or when he tries to do things with me that he’s already done with them? I just want to have something special with him that’s between just us but it seems everything we have is shared with everyone else as well and it’s kind of upsetting to me because I feel there’s nothing special about me that would make him keep me around if he can do it with everyone else?

Have you told him you feel this way? It is perfectly fine to want something that’s just between you two - in fact, I am careful to cultivate inside jokes, pet names, traditions, etc. with individual partners that I don’t share outside that relationship.

(This has led to some entertaining poly-confusion: I only use the term “boo” with one of my partners. One day he asked me what I was up to on Friday, and I said, “hanging with my boo,” as a cutesy way to say, “I didn’t have plans, but now I’m setting that time aside for you!” But he didn’t know I had kept that term private between us, so he thought I meant “hanging with my other partner.” Friday came around and I thought we were on to hang out, but he had made other plans since he thought I was busy! Moral of the story is, if something is special with one partner…make sure everyone’s on the same page.)

My suggestion is to sit him and and say “hey, it’s not that I’m trying to put limits on your other relationships, but it would make me really happy to have something that was just special between us. Could we set up a tradition that you don’t share with anyone else?” If he says sure, then brainstorm together what that might be! You could also mention past examples of inside jokes he brought other people into, and gently ask if maybe he could keep things like that more intimate. 

If he gets defensive or accuses you of being too sensitive or controlling, take a big step back from this and think about whether this is working out for you. Requests like this are common and healthy and a major part of the open communication that makes poly relationships function. We are all human, and if what it takes to make us feel loved, respected, and special is a little compromise on a partner’s part, that’s a very reasonable request. You’re doing the right thing by being open and honest about it rather than passively resentful - so he should respond in kind.

How should I let my maybe-boyfriend know I’m maybe poly?

The same way you let anyone know anything. You’ve got to take a deep breath and just say it. Be honest and clear. Tell him you like him and want to see where things can go between the two of you, and you’re also thinking about exploring polyamory. Ask him how he feels about all this. Be prepared to listen and learn about him, and to answer his questions openly. Sometimes the most exciting things in life grow out of “maybe”s. Good luck!

I don’t know what is going on with my primary, we’ve been seeing each other for over a month, and we were on fire now this:
 I saw [Primary] last night and he’s still really distant…he cuddled me but he was really cold…
When I asked him what was up he said he was okay and nothing was wrong or on his mind…
So I don’t know he isn’t very lovey he doesn’t send me cute pictures like he used to or send me emoticons and he won’t call me his girl anymore :-/ How do I read that?

I can’t tell you how to read into another person’s behavior, because I’m not psychic. Nobody is. This is an endless frustration for most of us, myself included. The best advice I can give is the same thing I tell everyone involved in polyamory: open communication.

Even though you asked him what was up and he said “nothing,” there’s still space for a clear, honest conversation. But it’s not about him - the issue is that you have a need that isn’t being addressed. You liked it when he called you his girl, when he sent you cute pictures, and when he seemed really present to your time together. Now, he isn’t doing that, and you want him to. Be clear about what you’ve noticed, in a way that isn’t accusatory, and say that you miss the cute pictures and pet names.

Then give him space to respond. Don’t come to the conversation with a list of demands (“send me 3 cute pictures every 24 hours”) but as a question: what does he need in order to meet your needs like that? It may be just that the NRE (new relationship energy) has worn off for him, and he’s no longer trying to impress you with cute pictures and things, because you two are getting more settled in together. It may be that he’s just having a rough few days because of work or something that has nothing to do with you, and needs some time to not be focused on you. Maybe he has concerns or reservations about how things are between you two, and you haven’t noticed the problems he’s seeing. Or maybe he just didn’t realize how important those little demonstrations of affection were to you.

All of these explanations call for a different response. Once you know what’s up with each other, you can move forward. Maybe he needs you to adjust your expectations about his picture-sending and cuddling consistency. Maybe you need him to focus more on taking time to show you he cares. Maybe it’s a combination of both, or something I haven’t even seen that you two need to work on. But you won’t know that unless you talk things out, and “what’s going on with you” is rarely clear enough to count as open communication. 

How can you start the communication flowing between two partners when one partner does not talk about his feelings for anything? Should I take his silence as he’s okay with everything?

NO. This goes for poly and mono relationships, for one night stands, for friendships, for all humans: Never make assumptions about the other person’s needs. And never ever take silence as consent. 

If your partner refuses to talk about his feelings, that’s a problem that needs to be addressed, not ignored or worked around. Be clear with him that this is a need of yours and ask him specific questions about his feelings and needs in certain situations or regarding specific issues. If he refuses, ask for his reasons. How does he feel when asked to share his feelings? Is it that he’s afraid, or that he genuinely hasn’t done the work to figure out how to articulate his feelings? Don’t push, argue, or accuse. It’s your job to make him feel safe and understood.

Consider finding a couples therapist, making sure beforehand that if you’re LGBTQ that they’re LGBTQ friendly, and if you’re poly or exploring polyamory, that they work with that too.