I like a guy, but he's in a polyamorous relationship and I don't want that

Me and this guy like each other but he is also in a poly relationship. I want to date him but i don't want to have to "share" him if that makes sense. We really like each other though. How do I tell him I don't want to date him if he is also dating other people?

You can just tell him that: “I really like you, and I would like to date you monogamously, but I don’t want to date you if you are also dating other people.”

Then, he can do what he likes with that information. He may say “then we aren’t compatible - bummer!” or he may say “then I’ll leave my relationship for you!” Either way, you’ll have your answer.

People say this to me all the time - it’s a pretty common situation. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to leave his polyamorous relationship for you, and that’s his decision to make. It’ll sting, but you’ll live - nearly everyone has been through the pain of liking someone who can’t or won’t date them for any number of reasons.

Best of luck finding someone who wants a monogamous relationship with you, whether it’s this guy or someone else!

I'm trying out polyamory with my partner, but we're having a hard time communicating about it

So my fiancée and I started a poly relationship and I think I made a big mistake. At first Poly sounded like a great thing for me and I thought I was into it but I have no idea how to get over how it’s making me feel.

My fiancée recently got a boyfriend and I love that she’s happy.

I just know that in the last few weeks I’ve been subtly hedging at the fact that I’m uncomfortable with how soon she jumped into this and how fast it’s progressing. We had just had a huge 3 day non fight/misunderstanding, and we had just got it fixed then less than 5 hours later she’s talking to him about being her boyfriend. She has hinted back that if I were to speak my piece now that she’s with him that she’d probably leave me. Idk if she really would but that’s how it came across. Also she said she would have been totally fine being monogamous if we hadn’t decided to open our relationship in the first place and it feels like she’s pinning it on me.

Is it wrong of be to be super hurt that she is not valuing me in this way? I wouldn’t ask her to break up with him. I really like the guy, he has been her best friend since 6th grade. They have insane chemistry that I’m honestly envious of. Several people have told me that he is going to steal her away from me. I just want my thoughts heard and maybe for her to help me through whatever is going on in my head.

“Hedging” and “hinting” are not healthy or effective methods of communication in any relationship! You two need to stop trying to become amateur psychics and just speak with each other openly, honestly, and clearly.

It sounds like you’re worried that if you express any sort of discomfort or unmet need, she will interpret it as you asking her to end the relationship. But you’re not seeing things as “zero sum” or “black and white,” and you’re capable of having uncomfortable feelings without demanding that she immediately blow everything up to soothe you. That’s great - so you need to TELL her that!

You know what you want: to feel heard and to be able to have safe conversations about your own feelings without her immediately jumping to “okay, if you insist, I’ll end this relationship.” You were able to articulate this to me very well, so now you need to say that to her.

I’d encourage you to stop the “bean counting” about how many hours elapse between conversations; life is complicated and people just do things, and there’s not usually much significance to the specifics. But it’s okay for you to feel any way you feel, and it’s okay to want those feelings heard.

Try saying something like this to her:

“Hey, I want you to know that I support your new relationship. I see the chemistry you two have, and I respect the connection between you two. At the same time, this polyamory thing is very new for me, and sometimes I have feelings or anxieties come up in my head.

When that happens, it doesn’t mean that I am trying to pressure you to make a change. I don’t want my feelings to function as a threat to your relationship, and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’m using my own discomfort to push you into ending things with him.

However, I do need to know that you understand my feelings, that you can be present to me in my discomfort, and that we can talk things out. Sometimes I just need some of your time and attention, and sometimes I just need to know that you heard me out when I wanted to share my feelings.

What can I do to express my feelings of discomfort without making you feel like I’m asking you to leave your other partner? How can I ask for your presence and care without you seeing it as a demand or accusation?”

Then tell her what she can do to help you feel heard when you share your thoughts and feelings. Be as specific as possible - maybe you just need her to say “thanks for telling me that, I know this is new and hard and sometimes scary, I really appreciate you being willing to explore this with me!” and give you a hug. Maybe you have some specific questions you need her to answer, or specific reassurances about your relationship that you need her to speak and then demonstrate with certain actions.

It sounds like the existence of communication, especially communication about tough feelings, is something that makes you two uncomfortable right now, so do whatever you can to get some practice with that skill and build that muscle.

You could suggest reading some materials on healthy polyamory together, so you can have some open discussions about what you’re reading. Sometimes people prefer to have these conversations over email so that they can take a break or not get caught up in their emotional responses. Maybe you two would benefit from some time together where you don’t talk about any of this, but just tend to your relationship together! Do some exploration and experimentation and figure out what makes you feel heard and secure.

My boyfriend tried to talk to me about being polyam, but it went poorly. Now what?

So my boyfriend came out at poly to my today while I was at work, and I was stressed and over reacted because my experience with polygamy is well… it’s a cult thing (that’s all I know). He’s pissed cause I said I don’t know how to handle seeing him fall for another, cause I’m aromantic/demisexual myself. He’s really mad and keeps bringing up old arguments saying I never change when I said I’ll try to get over it because I want him in my life. What do I do?

Here’s what you do:

“Hey, wonderful. I’m sorry that when you came out to me today, I was taken aback and overwhelmed and didn’t react in the best way. I made assumptions and jumped to conclusions, and I’m not happy about how the conversation went.

Can we start again? I really do want to talk about this with you from a place of calm, honesty, and maturity.

I know that things didn’t go well before, and I’m sorry about that - are you able to accept my apology and talk about the issue on the table, which is your polyamory, rather than continuing to litigate the tone and tenor of our last conversation?

If you want to keep talking about my patterns and how we communicate, I’m happy to talk about that. Are there arguments we’ve had that are still bothering you? Are there patterns in how I talk to you that you want to discuss? However, I think that needs to be a completely different conversation than the one about polyamory.

We can talk about how to have healthier dialogue and what you perceive as ongoing issues, and we can talk about your interest in polyamory, but trying to have those conversations on top of one another isn’t working.

I love you, and I’m sorry about how things went down earlier. I do want to discuss this with you from a place of love and curiosity, and I wasn’t able to be in that headspace while I was at work. Let’s try again.”

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I broke up with someone because we weren't compatible. He's promising to change, but sending me mixed messages.

I'm mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he's ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn't feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we're talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the "main relationship" and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what's turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I'm scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I'm being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.

Do not date this dude!

Let me break this down:

He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”

You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.

He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.

You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.

His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.

He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.

His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.

All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!

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I have a crush on my polyam friends, but don't know where to go from here

I'm poly and have gone on dates here and there but never actually been in a committed polycule. To be honest I'm not looking for anything very serious, but recently I've found I have two friends who are together and poly that I've been light heartedly flirting with. I didn't want to take the first step in asking them if they wanted to have some fun and go on a couple of dates because I wasn't sure if they were looking for something casual or more serious, but then they talked to me about what I was looking for and I was honest with them. This may sound silly but I don't know where to go from here! I like them both a lot and hanging with them as a group and one on one, but I'm unsure where to go from here now that we've established interest. I know I should just talk to them, but I want to go to them with some idea of what I concretely want moving forward and honestly I keep falling short. All I can think of is just "spend time with them and have sex together or one on one" but I don't know that that's enough.

My friend, I think you are overthinking this! If you like hanging out with them, and they like hanging out with you, keep doing that. If they asked you how you felt and you told them, and they were open and receptive, let things keep going in that direction!

You are correct that you “should just talk to them,” but you are being way too hard on yourself by concluding that what you have to say is not “enough.” You know what you want - to spend time together, and to be open to sexual or romantic connection - and that is an entirely normal and healthy and common way for people to be together!

Try saying something like this:

“I really enjoy hanging out with you two, together and one on one. I know that you two are polyam, and I am thinking that I’d be interested in exploring that with you. I like our friendly connection and can see that moving in a romantic direction. I am also sexually attracted to both of you and would be interested in cuddles, kisses, and sex.

At the same time, I am feeling unsure about what I want to call this, or whether I can articulate exactly what kind of relationship blueprint I am hoping for. Are you okay with taking things slow and just letting them evolve organically the way they already have been between us?”

What you’ve described here sounds pretty healthy and fun, and is in fact how most relationships, polyam or mono, tend to evolve and grow. Follow what feels good and try to relax about the specifics.

I worry that my partners don't actually like me, but won't tell me the truth

I feel like one of my partners (F) hates me or otherwise is uncomfy with me, as she usually wants to do things with the other (M) more than me, they dm all the time (I don't dm either because I want to be initiated first), he buys her stuff, and in general whenever I want to try to do something with her it feels like she's uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed because obviously neither of them would tell the truth if I was making them uncomfy, to not be rude I suppose.

You should not be dating someone if you don’t trust them to be honest with you. Full stop. To have the role of “partner” in your life, a person MUST be someone who is safe to share your feelings and needs with.

Refusing to DM someone because you want them to initiate conversation is insecure behavior. I used to be like this - I worried that I was “bothering” people if I messaged them first. But living life this way made me miserable. If I wanted someone’s attention, I would just wallow in insecurity and loneliness while waiting for them to message me. I put all this psychological and emotional significance on their messages, and it just was a whole lot of unnecessary angst and pressure. 

It’s not worth it, living like that. If someone is worth bringing into your life, they ought to be someone who it feels safe and easy to DM. Right now, it sounds like you do not trust these people to be honest with you and say “hey, I can’t actually talk right now.” You distrust their expressed affection and attention so much that you’ve established this secret test, telling yourself it only “counts” if they initiate it. You have to let that go. You have to be willing and able to demand that your relationships are safe and honest. 

I harp on this small detail in your letter because it’s really a big neon arrow pointing to the major issue here. You say “obviously neither of them would tell the truth” - that’s NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship. This core assumption needs to be addressed. 

There are two possibilities here. One is that you are simply assuming that these people won’t be honest with you, and so you’re robbing them of an opportunity to be honest with you. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what makes you say this? What evidence have you observed that makes it “obvious” that they won’t tell the truth? Do these people have a history of being dishonest with you, of refusing to answer questions honestly, or of saying one thing while acting in a different way?

If you don’t actually have any clear evidence to base this off, it might be your own fear getting in the way. Give them a chance to be honest! Bring up your fears and concerns, and see what they have to say! Things like:

“I worry sometimes about being the one to initiate a DM conversation. I feel like I’m bugging you and I can’t trust that your attention is genuine unless you initiate. Here are some things you can do to help me feel more safe and confident in reaching out to chat during the day. Are there things I can do better to respect your time or make DMing easier and more frequent?”

“Based on [things you’ve observed], I’ve started to worry that my company is not actually enjoyable for you, and I feel like you might not like me. I know we’re dating, and it’s confusing to think that someone who is dating me doesn’t like me - but here are some of my anxieties. Can we talk about this? How have you been feeling about dating me? Do you need anything from me?”

If the idea of having these frank, open conversations fills you with dread or fear, that’s a huge red flag that your relationship isn’t healthy. If these people have previously demonstrated to you that they can’t or won’t have these kinds of conversations honestly, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. 

If your anxieties are coming from “inside the house,” so to speak, then you ought to give them a chance to demonstrate to you whether they are actually safe and honest. They may be shocked and horrified to find out that you’ve been feeling this way and worrying about this - if you haven’t said anything, how could they know? If, after you share this information, they argue, ignore, or shame you - or if they reassure you and promise that everything is OK but then don’t actually make any changes - then that’s a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.

My partner doesn't want to use the word "boyfriend" - what's the deal?

How important are labels in a poly relationship? For example my partner and I do traditional relationship things together. But when I casually referred to him as my boyfriend he said he didn’t want any labels.

That question is impossible to answer; there’s no “Polyamory Prescriptions of Importance” that tell you how important various things are to every polyamorous person. If they’re important to the people in the relationship, then they’re important. If not, then they’re not.

You need to talk to your partner about this and figure out what he thinks “boyfriend” means vs. what you think it means. If, to you, “boyfriend” means “someone who sleeps over, texts me in the morning, and comes with me to work events,” and he does those things but won’t call himself your boyfriend, that is obviously going to feel confusing and oddly arbitrary to you. But if your partner thinks “boyfriend” means “someone who is committed to a long-term relationship and hopes to move toward higher levels of life entwinement like cohabitation,” he might be balking at that term.

Ask him: why don’t you want labels? What does “boyfriend” mean to you that “partner” doesn’t? Is it really just about the word, or is there a different concern? And think about what “boyfriend” means to you, so you can better communicate that to him. How important is it to you that your partner is willing to use that word? Why? It’s highly unlikely that this is really about what collection of syllables you two use to refer to each other - it’s what that word signifies to both of you that needs to be brought from the realm of implication and assumption into clarity and communication.

I'm crushing on a couple and I don't know if it's wise to tell them

so i’m kind of in love with my two friends who have been dating each other for over a year. i have basically no emotional intelligence bc of mental stuff so i have almost no way to know how they feel about me, and i can’t really talk to or ask my other friends about it. i don’t know what to do about this and my feelings aren’t subsiding with time; i kind of want to tell them, but there’s a significant chance that it won’t go well and it’ll be weird, especially since i live with one of them

The good thing about knowing this about yourself - that you struggle with EI because of “mental stuff” - is that you can do something about it! Especially since you can’t talk to your friends about this, you should really find a therapist you can work on this with. There are also DIY resources out there - search for “emotional intelligence workbook” or “emotional intelligence DBT.” If you have a diagnostic term for the “mental stuff” you’re dealing with, you can also search for workbooks or other self-help resources with that term.

In general, my advice is usually to tell people how you feel, and let the chips fall where they may. There’s always a chance that things don’t go well and “be weird,” but if you don’t say anything, there’s a 100% certainty that things won’t go the way you want. However, every situation is different. Since you live with one of them, and living-space stress is one of the worst types of stress, you may want to be a bit more cautious. I don’t know what makes you say that there is a “significant change” that it won’t go well - is this couple explicitly monogamous? Have they expressed discomfort with that type of advance?

Only you have the full context to decide whether the risk is worth it. It might be worth it to find a polyamory-friendly therapist to talk things over with, or do some “pros and cons” journaling, or chat with a polyamory-support forum or chatroom, to try and work through all of the details. Best of luck!

I'm dating two guys, and want to make it serious with both of them, but am not sure how to have that conversation

I've been - openly, but they don't know each other - seeing two different guys, for about the same amount of time but not really seriously on either side. I want them to hopefully turn into actual relationships I'm just not sure how to bring about the conversation of "I want to be serious with you, but also him at the same time" and am scared that will send them both running. Any advice?

The great thing, and the terrifying thing, about relationships is that there is no set of magic words you can say to ensure someone else responds well. You should definitely have that conversation, and then if one or both guys goes running, well, that’s just what happened. You can’t prevent or control that. Hiding your feelings/desires from a partner for fear of scaring them off is miserable, and not something I ever recommend.

You’ve got to just come out and say “hey, we’ve been seeing each other for a while now, and I really like you! I’m interested in talking about how we see this relationship moving forward, how committed we feel, and what we both want! And that should include the fact that I’m also having the same feelings about, and conversations with, Orzaggo.” And then you two can talk about how he feels about non-monogamy, and about dating you, and about feelings, and all those super sticky but worthwhile conversational topics!

And if he runs, well, that’s information you have - that he isn’t someone who wants to date you as all of who you are, which is someone capable and desirous of dating multiple people. You would have found that out eventually; delaying this risky conversation doesn’t reduce the risk, it actually just raises the stakes. Best of luck!

One of my triad partners is keeping her feelings from our third partner - and we're all planning to move in together

I’m in a closed MFF triad. My partners raise 2 children together; I have none. Together we have been looking into getting our own place currently we stay with family. Our partner decided well realized she doesn’t want to be in a closed triad, feels trapped and wants to be able to date other men which we both know our boyfriend wouldn’t support. She’s suggested it and he’s turned it down. She’s also decided she doesn’t want to tell him until after we move. He knows none of it she told her best friend and I. Not sure what to do? I don’t want to betray her by telling him but can’t make her. So I have no clue what to do being “in the middle.”

You’re not “in the middle,” because this is immediately affecting you and whether you will have a stable living situation in the future. Moving is incredibly stressful, and having to end leases, find roommates, split belongings, etc. is messy and difficult. You have a right to act to protect yourself from future problems with your housing.

You can let her know that you think this needs to be discussed before the move, for the sake of everyone involved. Tell her that you’re worried about what will happen if this comes up after everyone moves in together and you don’t feel okay making that move knowing that this shoe is set to drop. You can let her know that you’ll need to tell your partner why you’re backing out of the move until this is resolved, and she can choose whether to tell him first herself, or let the chips fall where they may.

This is not about you betraying her; this is about you protecting your future self from horrible housing drama, which is, in my opinion, one of the worst kinds of drama. If this wasn’t directly affecting you, my advice would be different; but since she plans to keep this to herself until after everyone moves in together, you are well within your rights to put the brakes on that move until this gets worked out.

My boyfriend follows sexy instagram models, and I don't like it

My bf (22 m) & I (20 f) have been together for 8 months and we love each other, but he used follow sexy girls on ig private & public pages... I confronted him, and I told him it makes me uncomfortable! I ask him why he does it and he never says the answer only that he stopped following. He did this 3 times until I told him that I wanted space. We talked and we still together but my trust for him is not the same. Did I overreact?

There's a lot going on here. Your question is "did I overreact," and I'd say that's a tricky question to answer on a lot of levels.

Did you overreact to him following sexy girls on instagram? From my perspective, sort of. It's not like he's doing anything besides looking at them. Just about everyone likes looking at sexy people, and that doesn't usually threaten their current relationships. Unless he's comparing them to you, pressuring you to lose weight and contour your butt or whatever sexy instagram ladies are doing these days, it's not super impactful to you.

That said, that's my perspective. You said that it makes you uncomfortable, and you have the right to feel your feelings. You could try to rationalize yourself out of that discomfort, but you're not obligated to, and you might not be able to. You did the right thing by letting your boyfriend know it made you uncomfortable, and clearly outlining what you wanted him to do.

It sounds like he wasn't willing to do what you asked - which is his right! - but he did the wrong thing by promising to stop, then not stopping. If he isn't willing to stop, he should say "I hear that it makes you uncomfortable, but it's not something I'm willing to quit, so we need to talk about whether that's a dealbreaker for this relationship and move forward based on what we figure out."

Instead, it sounds like he kept following them, but told you he didn't. That's dishonesty, and it's going to feel like a betrayal even if it's about a behavior that, itself, isn't super consequential. I don't think it's "overreacting" to be upset when your partner conceals something from you.

But you've chosen to stay with someone who you know is willing to continue doing something you've asked him not to, and is going to lie about it. You say your trust in him is not the same - why are you still dating him? You don't deserve to be dating someone you can't trust; that's a painful place to be in and not a compromise you have to make. 

Ask yourself: 
1.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who follows sexy instagram models? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out what your next steps will be to manage these feelings, and address the discomfort. You have to take active steps; don't just passively keep doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

2.) Am I willing to stay in a relationship with someone who lied to me? If not, leave the relationship. If yes, then you need to figure out how to start repairing that trust. Again, you need to actively commit to this choice, not just passively stay in a relationship with this background radiation.

There's also the issue of you wanting him to tell you "why" he follows them, and him being unable to. Maybe he can't articulate why ("I like looking at pretty ladies" might just be the whole story), or maybe he doesn't feel like talking to you about it would be emotionally safe. Think about how you come to the conversation and what you two can do to make it easier and safer to be honest with each other.

I'm okay with my partner seeing other people, but he's secretive about it, which makes me feel like he's cheating

Do you consider it cheating when your partner hides the fact they have other partners? My partner is poly but he often hides when he's started a new relationship or he hides how serious the relationships are and this has really damaged my trust in him. I'm not sure if it can be considered cheating since he is in fact poly but I don't think it's okay for him to hide these other partners? What is your opinion?

There is no standard "cheating" that you can measure various behaviors against. For some people, this wouldn't feel like cheating - but it feels that way to you, and it's not a dynamic you want in your relationship. That's what matters.

Talk to your partner about this issue. Tell him that he does not need to hide his relationships, and that when he does, it feels sketchy and cheat-y. Let him know that you're okay with things as long as they're out in the open.

Ask him if there's anything you've done or said that makes him feel like he should be doing this. Figure out why he seems to be more comfortable hiding and downplaying his other relationships. Work out a way that's safe and comfortable for both of you to be open and honest.

If he's not willing to do this - if he denies that he's been hiding things from you, or says that's just how he wants to do things, or insists you're overreacting or have no right to be annoyed when you find out he's been lying by omission (or straight up lying) - end the relationship, because he's not someone you can be in a healthy polyamorous relationship with. 

I don't know how to tell my ex that I don't want to get back together

My ex recently got back in touch with me and wants to start over. I still kind of have feelings for this person, but I can't see us being happy together because they're monogamous and I'm polyamorous, and they aren't open to the idea of being in an open relationship. I've tried to be mono for them before and while they were happy, it made me miserable, and I don't want to go through that again. I don't know how to tell my ex it won't work between us. What should I do?

"No" is a complete sentence. Consensus is not required here. You don't need to get them to agree, or see things your way. You don't need to convince your ex that getting back together is a bad idea. You can just decline to get back together. You know that dating them made you miserable, and you don't want to do it again. Some lines you can use:

• "I don't want to get back together with you."
• "The reason we broke up still exists for me, and I haven't changed my mind."
• "I know that you want to try dating again, but I don't feel that way."
• "I'm not going to try and argue or get you to see things my way - you just need to know that my answer is no." 
• "Please don't ask me again. If you keep trying to push for another relationship with me, I'll have to take a step back from even a friendship."

If they won't take no for an answer, do what you need to maintain your boundaries. Block them through whatever channel they used to get back in touch. Take emotional and physical distance. You have no obligation to "tell them" in exactly the right way. You don't need their permission to not date them. Stop worrying about how to tell them - just tell them, and then walk away.

Someone used language to describe my polyamorous relationship that I find dehumanizing

My boyfriend is new to polyamory and was explaining things to his sister and she asked if he and my girlfriend were "sharing me." That feel like really gross and dehumanizing phrasing to me; am I overreacting by being unhappy with that phrasing?

It's okay to have feelings about things; and the way other people describe you is something that most people have strong feelings about! You can be unhappy with whatever you want - the word is overreaction, not overfeeling, for a reason. It would be an overreaction if you forbade your boyfriend from ever speaking to his sister again or ordering 100 t-shirts that say NEVER USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE and only wearing those.

In this case, it's a third party to your relationship - your boyfriend's sister - who used a phrasing you find icky, in a conversation with someone else. Probably best to leave that alone for now - if someone else uses that language when asking you about your relationship, it's totally fine to say "actually, we don't like to describe it like that," and then give your explanation of what polyamory is and is not, for you.

It's totally okay to bring up with your boyfriend that you don't like language that frames you as an object or possession to be shared - not as a thing you're angry about or an issue you have with his sister, just as a heads-up that you're not comfortable with it. Just like I might say "hey, thanks for going grocery shopping, but in the future, I like creamy peanut butter, not chunky."

I found out my partner has a "thing" with a former lover of his, and I'm not sure it's a healthy situation

I'm in a poly relationship with a guy, we talked about his other partners. Fast forward to months later and I'm talking to him about a former lover, encouraging him to talk to her despite my terror/insecurity of his feelings for her. But he's comfortable with his heartache about her. She's married to a monogamous man and happy. I asked questions about them and their history. During this he casually said they occasionally have a Thing via the internet. I wasn't happy about it but didn't berate him, only stated clearly that he should have told me that when we discussed metamours. But I'm bothered. I'm wondering now why he didn't tell me then. Her husband is why they broke up after trying poly. But now I'm wondering if he knows about them having their occasional Thing at all. If not, I'm not okay with that. But I don't know what to do. I'm still not sure what I want to do. If they're cheating I can't condone it. I don't want to leave him. I'm just feeling lost and heartaching.

The main issue here is that your partner is doing something that seems sketchy or not entirely above board here, because A.) he didn’t disclose to you the whole story about this former lover when you first talked about her, and B.) you’re not sure whether this is an open and consensual polyamorous arrangement for all parties involved.

This is something to bring up with your partner: “In order for me to feel like my polyamorous relationships are safe and healthy, it’s important for me to that the extended network that I’m involved in has a shared commitment to openness. This “thing” that you have with your former lover - can we talk about the terms of that? Does her husband know? It also bothers me that I didn’t get the whole story the first time we talked about her. Can we revisit our expectations and commitments around honesty and openness?”

It’s up to you how you react to his response. If he insists on continuing to have a relationship that you don’t want to be party to, even as a metamour, then you have to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker for you.

I think my lover is sleeping with other people and not telling me

I am a 27yo poly woman with both a boyfriend and a BDSM lover. I think my BDSM lover is hooking up with men on the DL and don’t know what to do. We were hanging out and I saw an email over his shoulder that was a response to an MFM craigslist ad and he quickly closed out his email when he noticed I saw it. I do not care if he is hooking up with other men ( I am bisexual myself) but I don’t want to confront him about this and have him blow up in my face. How do I talk to him about this so that I 1.Feel safe in our relationship and 2.Trust in him that he is being open and honest with me as we agreed at the start of our relationship?

You say, clearly and openly, something like:

“Hey, I need to check in with you about something that’s been bothering me. I didn’t mean to snoop, but a few days ago I noticed you replying to an MFM ad and then you seemed to get nervous and hide it from me. Here’s the thing - I don’t care if you’re seeing other people or seeing men or anything like that. But I do care about secrecy. In order to feel safe in this relationship, things need to be out in the open. Partly that’s about trust, and partly that’s about health, safety, and informed consent.

I’m sorry if I did or said anything in the past that made you feel like you had to hide part of your sex life or your relationships from me. I just want to put it all out there that, as far as I’m concerned, openness is a non-negotiable part of this relationship - and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear before. Can we talk about what else you’ve been up to, and come up with a way to keep it from being a secret or something that’s hidden?”

If he gets defensive or accusatory; if he refuses to talk about this; if he won’t agree to a relationship with the terms of openness and honesty, then end the relationship - it’s not what you need, and his insistence on secrets like that is a dealbreaker.

I'm sort-of dating a couple and don't know where I stand

I recently became friends with benefits to a friend who has an ace partner that rarely experiences/wants that. Both of them agreed to it, but the ace partner has been more into that sort of thing lately and I’m no longer sure whether I fit in the dynamic. Recently I’ve now kissed both of them, and the ace one has made some comments about threesomes I’m unsure if are serious. As the third party I’m not sure if I should press a discussion about the dynamic shifts?

Yes, you as a third person absolutely have the right to “press a discussion.” 

Hey, quick aside to everyone but the letter-writer: We all, collectively, as a polyamorous community, need to do a much better job to squash this weird cultural notion that’s out there about “thirds” having less agency, less security, and less of a right to assert their needs. Let’s just end that. Okay? 

Back to you, letter-writer: of course you can bring this up. They already kissed you. You have every right to talk about that. To know where you stand. To get some clarity on the shifting-but-unspoken terms of the relationship. 

Say something like “Hey, can we talk about something? We’ve kissed a few times, and I just want to know where we stand on that and how you’re feeling about things.” or “Can I ask you about something? You’ve made some comments about threesomes, but I’m not sure if you’re serious. Here’s how I’d feel about a threesome - what page are you on?”

If they act like you are somehow out of line asking for clarity on this, to know what you can expect and what is expected of you - then they’re not healthy to be in this arrangement with. But give them the chance, first, to have this discussion in an open and intentional way!

Now again to everyone, though I’m mostly speaking to my past self here: if you feel, in a relationship situation, like you have to just sort of go along with your partner; if you feel like something fragile will get unbalanced if you set any boundary, ask for something, make the unspoken spoken - that’s such an insecure place to be, and it’s awful, and don’t let yourself linger there. There’s a big difference between someone who is mature and independent and someone who just never ever causes a fuss. Be more willing ask for things! Any relationship that’s threatened by you articulating your needs and asking for clarity from them is not worth preserving with all the emotional labor you’re doing on their behalf.

Also,never ever keep someone in this emotional zone. Especially couples who date thirds, and men who date women, but also, everyone: take heed.  

I’m in an open relationship and I have two partners- my boyfriend also has a girlfriend as well as me, and while I’m okay with his girlfriend I just don’t particularly like her. Like as a person. I can stand being around her for small amounts of time, but I don’t think I could ever consider her a friend. I worry that, if my boyfriend ever asked for me to hang out with her, that when I say no he’ll get upset. I just want him to understand that, and I don’t want to offend him.

A healthy relationship includes the freedom to be honest, even about unpleasant or inconvenient truths. Both of my partners have friends that I don’t particularly like, and we make it work. The conversation usually goes like this:

“I don’t really like your friend Blevin.”

“That’s fair. I won’t invite him to things you host and won’t be annoyed if you make yourself scarce when he’s around.”

The trick is not to be accusatory about the friend or metamour - don’t say or imply that they’re a bad person, or that your partner is blind to some critical flaw, or wrong for liking them. Just let it stand as a personal preference of yours. I hate jazz and metal music (I know, musically my palate is Unrefined), so when my partner goes to jazz or metal concerts, he finds someone else to go with. Not everything, or everyone, must be mutually enjoyed.

So if your boyfriend suggests that you become one-on-one friends with his girlfriend, it’s okay to politely decline. “I’m happy to be nice to Stephanda when you have her around, but she’s not someone I’m interested in hanging out with more.”

If your boyfriend wants to know why, try to take a shrugging but gentle tone. “She and I just don’t click. I know she makes you happy, and I love that you two have a good relationship, but I’d rather just let her stay on the edges of my life as your partner.”

If he can’t handle this honesty, if he gets angry or defensive or demands that you give her another chance, that reaction is his problem and inappropriate on his part, and you’ll need to think about whether you can be in a polyamorous arrangement with someone whose terms of the relationship include “you are not allowed to dislike my other partners ever” - but I wouldn’t worry about this unless it actually happens. Give him a chance to be healthy and accepting of this imperfect and inconvenient, but not really problematic, situation.

What is the best way for me to communicate to a partner that it’s not okay for them to interact with social media, etc when we’re being intimate and/or having sex?

In the vast majority of situations, the best way to communicate something to a partner is clearly, honestly, and in as non-accusatory a way as possible. Bring it up when you two are together but not in the middle of an intimate moment - just as a check-in and a request.

“Hey, the last few times we were snuggling in bed, you were on your phone - and that actually really bothers me. Could you please put the phone/computer/social media way while we’re having sexy or intimate time together?”

If they say “sure, I didn’t realize that was an issue, sorry!” then, great! If they do it again, a gentle reminder: “Can we agree no phones right now?”

This is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make - it doesn’t mean your partner has been doing something wrong since they didn’t know this bothers you, but once you let them know, it should be relatively easy to work through. It’s good practice to get into the habit of gently but openly having this kind of conversation in any relationship.

If, when you ask, they refuse, if they downplay it, insist that you shouldn’t be bothered, try to argue, etc. then they aren’t ready or willing to meet this need for you, and you need to decide whether this is a sustainable setup long-term for you.

Both my partners are living together hours away from me and I don’t have any way of contacting either of them and recently I’ve been having a lot of relationship insecurities. Usually I talk them out with my partners but I can’t do that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to speak to them again. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like your inability to contact them is the core issue here - my advice is to consider that situation an emergency and do what you need to do to resolve it. Is it a person in your life or their lives who is being controlling and restricting contact? Is it an issue of access to technology? Is it funding? Make a plan to get some kind of contact in place, whether it’s sending emails from a library or writing letters or buying a burner phone. Start a GoFundMe, enlist a friend to help - do what you have to do.

If you really can’t talk to your partners, you’ll have to find other ways to work on those insecurities. Try journaling about them, joining a polyamorous chatroom or forum, talking to a therapist, spending time with friends you trust, or working on a self-help workbook focused on whatever you’re specifically struggling with.