I think my lover is sleeping with other people and not telling me

I am a 27yo poly woman with both a boyfriend and a BDSM lover. I think my BDSM lover is hooking up with men on the DL and don’t know what to do. We were hanging out and I saw an email over his shoulder that was a response to an MFM craigslist ad and he quickly closed out his email when he noticed I saw it. I do not care if he is hooking up with other men ( I am bisexual myself) but I don’t want to confront him about this and have him blow up in my face. How do I talk to him about this so that I 1.Feel safe in our relationship and 2.Trust in him that he is being open and honest with me as we agreed at the start of our relationship?

You say, clearly and openly, something like:

“Hey, I need to check in with you about something that’s been bothering me. I didn’t mean to snoop, but a few days ago I noticed you replying to an MFM ad and then you seemed to get nervous and hide it from me. Here’s the thing - I don’t care if you’re seeing other people or seeing men or anything like that. But I do care about secrecy. In order to feel safe in this relationship, things need to be out in the open. Partly that’s about trust, and partly that’s about health, safety, and informed consent.

I’m sorry if I did or said anything in the past that made you feel like you had to hide part of your sex life or your relationships from me. I just want to put it all out there that, as far as I’m concerned, openness is a non-negotiable part of this relationship - and I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear before. Can we talk about what else you’ve been up to, and come up with a way to keep it from being a secret or something that’s hidden?”

If he gets defensive or accusatory; if he refuses to talk about this; if he won’t agree to a relationship with the terms of openness and honesty, then end the relationship - it’s not what you need, and his insistence on secrets like that is a dealbreaker.

I recently met this guy, he and his gf are in a d/s relationship and they both say they really want me to be in a poly d/s relationship with them. i am totally down for it but last night they told me that they want to hold off on the relationship until the guy gets his own place to do the relationship the right way, i can’t help but feel afraid that if i wait it won’t happen and i don’t want to wait that long and end up getting hurt and I also fear that they will find someone else what do i do?

There’s a lot going on here, and it’s unclear what’s at the core of their reluctance to jump into the relationship right away.

It could be that one or both of them is feeling a little nervous about things and wants to buy some time, and the “until he gets his own place” thing is just a convenient way to do that. If that’s the case, I’d recommend talking openly with the guy about what the delay is all about, how you can make things easier, and what your needs are in the situation (i.e. not to be strung along for much longer).

Or, it could be that they genuinely don’t feel that a poly d/s relationship can be done “the right way” without him having his own place. I can understand that concern - it’s a lot easier to get into the physical and psychological space of d/s play when you have more space and privacy - but it doesn’t have to put a hold on the entire plan. You three can visit local bdsm meetups together, rent an airbnb or hotel room for a weekend of play, try some scenes at your place, share a group chat for naughty talk, etc. If that’s the case, let him know that you don’t care that he isn’t some Christian Grey with a penthouse dungeon, and that you’re ready and excited to jump in and make it work now.

Of course, the answer here, as in almost all poly things, is communication. You’ve got to give him the space to let you know why he and his gf are pumping the brakes, and have the courage to respond to what he says with a statement of your own needs. Good luck!