Is there a term for wanting to only be sexually, and not romantically, open?

Hello! I am trying to find answers to my relationship preferences and thought you could help out! I have discovered that I prefer to be romantically and sexually involved with one person (my boyfriend) and only sexually involved with other people. Is there a term for this?

Whoever is responsible for this recent obsession with whether there is a specific term for something owes me a drink. And I don’t even drink.

To my knowledge, there is no specific noun or identity term you can use to say “I am a [person with these preferences].” You’re welcome to make one up that suits you, or combine existing concepts, but you have such a good handle on it already, you’re fine.

You know exactly what you want, and you articulated it pretty clearly here - so you don’t actually need a term for this, you can just be you!

However, you might be interested in the following concepts: open relationships, swinging, and hierarchical polyamory.

What is polyamory vs an open relationship?

Hello! I'm not sure if I qualify as poly and I guess I'm wondering what does or doesn't. I'm happy in my current romantically monogamous relationship, but I'd be happy to try adding another person to make a throuple if it came to it and all three of us had feelings. My partner and I are also casually open sexually. What's the line between 'open relationship' and polyamorous?

There is no high court that deems you worthy of “qualifying” for the label of polyamorous. There is no exact checklist of qualities you must measure up against in order to claim a certain term.

I think our current culture has gotten way too worried about how best to use these manufactured semantic tweezers and microscopes to try and define and categorize anything and everything. The purpose of language, including identity labels, is to serve us in finding tools to live healthy, happy, fulfilling lives. Period.

If identifying as polyamorous helps you in some way, if it gives you more access to resources that you need, if it allows you to more clearly communicate about your needs and desires, great! If not, great! Ultimately it doesn’t really matter what you call yourself as long as you’re able to effectively navigate the world and manage your relationships.

To actually answer your question, generally, people say that the line between an “open relationship” and “polyamory” is that an “open relationship” implies a central or primary relationship with casual sexual openness, while “polyamory” includes multiple committed relationships. But everyone has a different definition of what a “primary relationship” is, what it means to be in a “committed” relationship, what “casual sexual openness” looks like in practice, so it’s really a useless definition.

Read more on this subject here.

I like the idea of a polyamorous relationship, but don't think I could make it work in practice

Can you be polyam in theory? What I mean is, I don't think I could actually be in such a relationship because I get jealous too easily with only one partner but I really like the idea of having more than one. I'm so confused.

Absolutely!

If you’ll permit me to get on a bit of a soapbox, I think there has been a strange shift in the discourse around identities over the past few years, and people have become obsessed with pinning down the exact term for exactly who, and what, they are.

But it doesn’t really work that way. Plenty of people are “mono in theory,” in the sense that they like the idea of being in a committed relationship, but don’t currently feel ready for a relationship. Plenty of people think they could probably be happy living on an island off the coast of New England, but don’t have any plans to leave their whole life and move to one tomorrow.

If you’re happy with your relationships as they are right now, then you’re fine. If you like daydreaming or fantasizing about something but know that it wouldn’t work for you in reality, then you’re in good company with the rest of the human race!

You may want to do some self work or even therapeutic work to address your jealousy in relationships if it’s causing you distress or if you want to start exploring non-monogamy, but you’re not obligated to do that. You can see polyamory as “cool, but not for me” or even “cool, but not for me right now” - and that’s completely fine.

Was my relationship poly?

Hi in October of 2019 I was at my school dance and at the end 3 other girls and I decided we were dating I guess. Then one of the girls left. And then a few days or weeks later because I don’t remember, someone else came in I guess?And then another one of the first three girls left. Then the girl that joined moved away and it was really confusing Bc I didn’t know whether we were over or not. And we (the other two) didn’t talk to her for a while. And then a few weeks later we all broke up. Poly?

Based on the fact that this happened at a school dance and you refer to yourselves  as “girls,” I’m going to guess that all parties involved are under 18. Now, I’m not saying that people under 18 can’t be polyamorous or can’t know that they are polyamorous - but in your case, it sounds like this is just standard teenage messiness.

It’s really hard to be a young person navigating relationships. You have these moments, like dances, where there’s so much external pressure to feel and do certain things. You face a lot of ambiguity and a lack of agency when it comes to things like moves and staying in touch. Everyone is still figuring out who they are, what they want, and how they communicate.

If you feel like your relationship was polyamorous, then that label can be helpful for you! Wanting to date as a group, or getting involved in a multi-person relationship, is definitely an indication that something polyamory-shaped is going on! Using that label might be able to help you find resources to prevent drama like this in the future and understand more about what you want in relationships.

But if this was an unpleasant experience, one you found confusing and don’t particularly want to repeat, then it doesn’t really matter what you call it. It sounds like a painful and frustrating episode in your young dating life, and it’s more important to take care of yourself than to figure out exactly what set of letters and syllables you think people on the internet might apply to the situation.

Does being asexual and being ok with partners seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere make me polyamorous?

I’m asexual and would be fine with a partner having sex with other people, would this make me poly, or is there another term for this?

Labels and terminology are there to make our lives easier, by helping us identify and communicate about our needs and desires. It sounds like in this case, seeking out a partner who is interested in a polyamorous relationship would help you find what you’re looking for. So it’s good to have that word! Use it as a tool to help you access useful resources. Check my FAQ page here on this!

Remember that “polyamory” can refer both to an identity/relationship orientation and a chosen behavior/relationship style. If the term “polyamorous” feels right, and useful, to you as a personal identity, then by all means, use it. But if “being fine with a partner having sex with other people” doesn’t feel like part of who you are in the same way your asexuality does, you can say that you are “open to a polyamorous relationship” or “would prefer a polyamorous arrangement” without worrying about whether that “makes you poly.”

What word can I use for a relationship that is committed and loving, but not sexual-romantic?

My primary partner and I broke up, but very much still love each other and are going to continue being in each other's lives. We're struggling what finding terminology to tell people who we are to each other. "Ex" is technically right but honestly wrong, "best friend" is true but not strong enough. I'm just in need of more relationship-describing words so I can get people to understand two people who love each other deeply, feel like family, are sharing a life, but aren't partners.

First off, huge kudos to you two for having the emotional intelligence and maturity to recognize that relationships grow and change and don’t always conform to existing, prescribed structures. Intellectual, emotional, domestic, sexual, creative, romantic, and other types of connections are up to us to define and one doesn’t need to include or proscribe another. I recommend checking out resources around Relationship Anarchy, which does a good job of giving words and structure to ideas and feelings like this.

Ultimately, the big issue here is whether it’s more important that you A.) Find a term that you feel captures the emotional and relational reality of your relationship, or B.) Find a term that you can use externally to refer to this person. It’s sort of one or the other, unfortunately; any term that carries enough meaning to feel right to you will very likely require a lot of explanation and definition. Any term that is conversationally simple is not going to feel complete to you. It is totally okay, when talking to your great-aunt or your coworkers, to use a simplified term just for the sake of not having to derail the conversation to explain the specifics of who this person is to you. It does not diminish your relationship, it’s fine.

As for specific words:

• You can use “partner” or “life partner” - those words don’t belong to people who have a romantic/sexual connection (they have long been used to describe artistic collaborators, business partners, etc.) and you are free to re/define them.

• You can combine existing words for terms like “Family Partner” or “Life Friend.”

• You can just use each other’s names. I had one partner who ‘didn’t do labels’ so I just referred to him as “my Diogenes” and he referred to me as “my Zinnia.”

• You can make up your own term by borrowing, adjusting, or combining existing roots. Lots of people have tried to tease out ‘different types of love,’ so that might be a good place to start. Check out this theory and set of terms. I knew some folks who just used the prefix “Co” to describe how they related to each other; it was meant to encompass words like collaborator, compassion, connect, etc.

My partner doesn't want to use the word "boyfriend" - what's the deal?

How important are labels in a poly relationship? For example my partner and I do traditional relationship things together. But when I casually referred to him as my boyfriend he said he didn’t want any labels.

That question is impossible to answer; there’s no “Polyamory Prescriptions of Importance” that tell you how important various things are to every polyamorous person. If they’re important to the people in the relationship, then they’re important. If not, then they’re not.

You need to talk to your partner about this and figure out what he thinks “boyfriend” means vs. what you think it means. If, to you, “boyfriend” means “someone who sleeps over, texts me in the morning, and comes with me to work events,” and he does those things but won’t call himself your boyfriend, that is obviously going to feel confusing and oddly arbitrary to you. But if your partner thinks “boyfriend” means “someone who is committed to a long-term relationship and hopes to move toward higher levels of life entwinement like cohabitation,” he might be balking at that term.

Ask him: why don’t you want labels? What does “boyfriend” mean to you that “partner” doesn’t? Is it really just about the word, or is there a different concern? And think about what “boyfriend” means to you, so you can better communicate that to him. How important is it to you that your partner is willing to use that word? Why? It’s highly unlikely that this is really about what collection of syllables you two use to refer to each other - it’s what that word signifies to both of you that needs to be brought from the realm of implication and assumption into clarity and communication.

If I'm capable of being in polyamorous relationships but don't want to, am I polyam?

Is it possible to stop being polyamorous? I haven't had good luck with dating other women, I'm married and the past 2 gf's I've had turned out to get feelings for my husband and basically toss me aside. There was also cheating, lies, and I honestly don't want to go through that again. I still feel capable of loving another person but if I never date another and stay mono to my husband am I still poly? I'm just confused and not sure if I ever want to risk getting hurt again.

If you don’t want to date other people right now, or ever, that’s totally fine. If you feel that means you’re no longer polyamorous, that’s fine. If you feel that you’re still polyamorous but choosing not to practice polyamory or don’t feel like acting on those feelings, that’s fine!

If a straight woman has a series of bad experiences dating men and decides to take an indefinite break from romantic relationships and be happily single, she can still identify as straight - she’s just choosing not to date men. She doesn’t have to, though - she could conclude that, although she’s capable of sexual-romantic attraction to men, her lack of desire for such a relationship makes that identification no longer useful or applicable or relevant.

You should do what’s best for you. You can be a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship. You can be someone capable of loving multiple people who does not indulge, act on, or pay much attention to that capacity. You can be a person who had active polyamorous desires and no longer does, for whatever reason.

Or, you can be a person who doesn’t identify as polyamorous or monogamous - you’re married, your relationship with your husband is what it is and it’s working, and so it’s not super necessary or useful to come down on a relationship orientation. Identity labels are there to serve us, not the other way around - if you’ve already found what works and you know what you want and how to get it, then labels are entirely secondary.

My partner and I are emotionally and sexually close with a third person - what do we call this?

So my boyfriend and I are in a very committed relationship with each other, but there's this girl were kind of in, like, an open relationship with? (We'll call her E.) My bf and I are intimate with E, but only when the three of us are together. We kiss, cuddle, etc. We all love each other A LOT, but E is free to date/be intimate with whoever she wants without us. We don't consider ourselves in a "serious relationship," but we're way more than friends. Is this polyam or just complicated?

P.S. I apologize deeply if I misused any terms, and I did not at all mean to imply that polyam relationships are less serious than monogamous ones, I was referring to our situation individually when I said "we don't consider ourselves in a 'serious relationship.'" Sorry if that came off wrong!

There are more options in the world than “polyam” or “just complicated.” Because it doesn’t sound like your situation is “complicated” at all! It sounds like you all know what you want and how to get it, and that you’ve found a relationship arrangement that works for all parties involved. I wouldn’t call that “complicated” at all!

It’s up to you whether you want to identify your relationship as polyamorous. Here’s my FAQ page on that. If identifying as polyamorous helps you find language and resources to keep things happy and healthy, great! If it doesn’t seem relevant or necessary, great! You might also consider checking out Relationship Anarchy, which is a way of thinking about relationships that makes lots of space for different types of emotions, arrangements, etc. without trying to force them into pre-existing formats and boxes, including “polyamorous!” I’d say this is a pretty great example of RA, personally - people who know how they connect sexually and emotionally, and who don’t assume that those connections mean they have to do everything else a certain way. But I don’t decide what and who you are, you do!

I also really loved the sweet little postscript. It’s rare that I get hurt or offended by a letter-writer’s language (with some notable exceptions); I usually try to gently steer people toward a linguistic re-framing for their sake, not mine. I think it’s clear that you’ve thought intentionally and honestly about the language you use around “commitment” and “serious relationship” and how that applies to your relationship, which is probably one reason it’s working so well for you three. It’s good to recognize that your application of certain terms and ideas doesn’t generalize to other people, and to be considerate with your language. You’re good, letter-writer; keep on keeping on!

Is my relationship polyamorous if my partners haven't met?

Am I in a polyamorous relationship if I’m seeing two people who do not know each other? But know of each other like they know I’m seeing other people?

Yes, that's polyamorous as long as they know about each other and are freely consenting to the arrangement. Your partners do not need to be connected romantically or otherwise for your relationship to be polyamorous. This arrangement is most frequently referred to as V or "Vee" polyamory.

Am I polyamorous if I'm only interested in two people?

Am I poly if I’m only interested in two specific people? I’m interested in a relationship with them, but the thought of being in a non-monogamous relationship with anyone else just feels wrong.

Of course! I answered a nearly identical question here. To quote from that answer:

Monogamous people don't think "hm, I can't see myself in a monogamous person with my hairdresser or my coworker - maybe I'm not really mono!" Straight men don't think "oh no, there are women out there who I don't want to date - do I count as a straight man?"

Of course you only want to date the people you want to date. Of course you can only see yourself being polyamorous with the people you want to date polyamorously. That's totally fine. You're in love with the people you're in love with - and it happens to be multiple people - so you're polyamorous. It doesn't matter how you feel about anyone else! 

Is it possible to be neither, or both, polyamorous and monogamous?

How do I identify if I'm comfortable with the idea of both polygamous and monogamous relationships?? I'm either monogamous or polygamous right? I can't be completely happy in both type of relationships?

First off, the correct term is "polyamorous," not "polygamous."

Second, it is entirely possible to be a person who would be happy and fulfilled in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship. Just like there are people who would be equally happy staying at home with kids or working in a career. People who would be equally happy in a relationship with a man or a woman. Very few things in this world are true, all-or-nothing, either-or binaries.

As for an identity term that captures this, there isn't one that is widely used for this, the way we have "pansexual" and "bisexual" or "bigender" and "genderfluid." But some that are out there include:

• monopoly or polymono
• polyamorish or monogamish
• polyflexible or monoflexible
• biamorous
• flexiamorous

But, above all, relax! You are who you are, and it's pretty neat that you have available to you a wide range of relationships and partners. Seek partners based off mutual connection, be clear about what you expect of your partners and what expectations of theirs you can and can't meet, and you're golden! 

Can I be polyamorous if I'm straight?

I found out that I’m into polyamorous relationships. I only opened up to one person who is an acquaintance plus I have a crush on and thankfully he took it well but I sort of feel excluded since I don’t considered myself bisexual nor lesbian. Is it okay being interested in one gender while being poly?

Who is making you feel excluded? Those people are wrong and being obnoxious. Being bisexual or lesbian is about who you are attracted to; being polyamorous is about the type of relationship you want to be in. They are completely separate and can be mixed and matched in whatever combination is true for each individual. There are monogamous bisexuals, polyamorous lesbians, monogamous heterosexuals, polyamorous heterosexuals, you name it. Relax - you are you, and if you're polyamorous, then you're polyamorous.

Can you be polyamorous with a preference for monogamous relationships?

Is it okay to be polyamorous with a preference for monogamous relationships?

I'm going to do that annoying thing where I sort of reject the entire premise of the question, and then answer it anyway.

You don't need to ask me whether something about who you are or what you prefer is okay! I'm just some blogger - and there's no almighty arbiter of whether a way of being in relationships or a certain identity is "okay." You do you, in whatever way is healthy and honest for you and your partners.

But since you asked - of course it's okay! Plenty of people fall under the umbrella of "could be happy with A or B, but generally prefers A." Plenty of people could be happy and fulfilled in a polyamorous or a monogamous relationship.

If you want to identify as a polyamorous person, that's fine! You could also identify as polyflexible, monoflexible, monopoly, poly-mono, monogamish, or whatever other term feels right to you. But if you have a preference for monogamous relationships, it might make more sense to actively seek out monogamous relationships instead. The good news is that the majority of people identify as monogamous (whether because of something innate or socialized assumptions), so your preference should be relatively easy to indulge.

Am I still polyamorous if I only want to be polyamorous with certain people?

Can I be poly if I only want to be with certain people. I'm not poly in general but I'm in love with multiple people, like I'm only poly for them if that makes sense. Does that count?

That is exactly what being polyamorous means. Being polyamorous means you are interested in a relationship with multiple specific people, not everyone on the entire planet! 

Monogamous people don't think "hm, I can't see myself in a monogamous person with my hairdresser or my coworker - maybe I'm not really mono!" Straight men don't think "oh no, there are women out there who I don't want to date - do I count as a straight man?"

Of course you only want to date the people you want to date. Of course you can only see yourself being polyamorous with the people you want to date polyamorously. That's totally fine. You're in love with the people you're in love with - and it happens to be multiple people - so you're polyamorous. It doesn't matter how you feel about anyone else! 

Sure, maybe there are people you'd be happy in a monogamous relationship with. But forget about the maybes. In this reality, in this universe, you're in love with multiple people and want to be in a polyamorous relationship with them. That's all the information you need!

Someone used language to describe my polyamorous relationship that I find dehumanizing

My boyfriend is new to polyamory and was explaining things to his sister and she asked if he and my girlfriend were "sharing me." That feel like really gross and dehumanizing phrasing to me; am I overreacting by being unhappy with that phrasing?

It's okay to have feelings about things; and the way other people describe you is something that most people have strong feelings about! You can be unhappy with whatever you want - the word is overreaction, not overfeeling, for a reason. It would be an overreaction if you forbade your boyfriend from ever speaking to his sister again or ordering 100 t-shirts that say NEVER USE THESE WORDS TO DESCRIBE MY RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE and only wearing those.

In this case, it's a third party to your relationship - your boyfriend's sister - who used a phrasing you find icky, in a conversation with someone else. Probably best to leave that alone for now - if someone else uses that language when asking you about your relationship, it's totally fine to say "actually, we don't like to describe it like that," and then give your explanation of what polyamory is and is not, for you.

It's totally okay to bring up with your boyfriend that you don't like language that frames you as an object or possession to be shared - not as a thing you're angry about or an issue you have with his sister, just as a heads-up that you're not comfortable with it. Just like I might say "hey, thanks for going grocery shopping, but in the future, I like creamy peanut butter, not chunky."

Am I polyamorous if I only want a triad?

Hi, I just recently discovered I’m into the concept of polyamory but for some reason only the concept of a triad really appeals to me. Does this mean I’m not really poly or is this just a preference like how I’m bisexual but tend to gravitate more toward men?

Triads and polyfidelity are a type of polyamory. So wanting a triad is a way of being polyamorous. You’re exactly right in that it is just a preference of a polyamorous person. Relax! You are polyamorous!

Your identity should never be a topic of debate, and if someone tells you that you’re “not really poly” because you only want a polyamorous triad, bounce their invalidating, gatekeeper ass right out of your life. 

How can I figure out if I’m poly? I’ve been confused about this for a while now. Also, if I am poly does that mean that I’m not “actually asexual”

Here’s my FAQ page about this! Don’t worry too much about “figuring it out” - there’s no test or scan that can go “beep boop, polyamory nodule located, you are polyamorous.” Spend some time daydreaming about best and worst case scenarios, think about what draws you to relationships in media, read about polyamory, and in the meantime, live your best life.

You can be asexual and polyamorous; polyamory is the ability to have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships. You can be interested in a dating or romantic relationship, but not a sexual one. 

How do you get over the feeling that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? I feel so isolated sometimes that I wonder if dating both my partners is futile bc no one I ever see seems to have the same situation

Can you identify whether there are people, or media, or other influences in your life that are the source of this feeling? What, or who, has implied to you that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? Cut that influence out of your life as soon and as much as possible.

Having any kind of identity, relationship, or lifestyle that you don’t see frequently and positively reflected in the world can feel isolating and alienating. And you’re right, it can be hard to see depictions of other people in similar situations. But they are out there!

The way you “get over that feeling” is by actively seeking out positive, healthy messages and amplifying them in your own life, while at the same time avoiding and challenging negative messages. I give a lot of advice about doing that in this post and this post!

Check my resources here as well and consider joining a polyamorous forum or meetup group to meet other like-minded friends. Here is some information on finding polyamorous representation in media. And if you find that fear, shame, and isolation continue to be serious problems for you, talk to a polyamory-informed mental health professional.

I am a mono guy and was talking with a former poly gf about how jealous I would get, thinking about her being together, intimately, with another guy. It really bothered me. I was saying how I need to find a way to deal with it. She said that at the root of my issue is that I view her as “property”. I disagreed. I wanted her to be able to do what she wanted to do and with whomever, but it still drove me crazy. Was I viewing her as property? And do mono guys have the most problem with this?

It can be really aggravating when someone tries to tell you what you’re thinking and feeling, so know that I am present to that frustration. If you genuinely believe that your struggles with her polyamory don’t stem from you seeing her as “property,” well, ultimately you’re the expert on what’s going on inside your own head.

That said, there is a lot to be said for how capitalist and patriarchal ideas worm their way into our minds and hearts and senses of self. Our culture has long liked to treat relationships as economic transactions. You can see it in our language- a simple example like “you’re mine” and “I’m yours” being used as statements of love. There is an underlying assumption of “possession” in many relationships, and what do you “possess?” Well, property.

So, some people who practice polyamory, non-monogamy, or relationship anarchy do a lot of work to uncover, understand, and challenge some ideas they’ve just absorbed through their culture. Your ex may have been trying to let you know that some of your actions and behaviors seem, to her, to have been informed by these ideas, and to encourage you to interrogate some of your assumptions about relationships and possession and how they work. That she did so by making the annoying mistake of presuming to speak for your internal perspective doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining this.

As for your question about whether mono guys have the most issue with this, I don’t know if there’s been any research on that, specifically, but it is true that our culture sends very specific messages to men about “possessing” their partners. That doesn’t mean all monogamous men see their partners as property, just that a monogamous man may be more susceptible to that kind of thinking, even in subtle or unconscious ways.

Here are some readings, if you’re interested!

• Is polyamory revolutionary?
  
• For lovers and fighters
• Practicing polyamory while healing from capitalism’s wounds
• Poly Economics: Class, capitalism and polyamory

Of course, you may just be oriented monogamously, and your inability to feel okay in a polyamorous relationship isn’t an issue of philosophy but rather just of who you are. That’s okay too! If talking to your ex is bringing up feelings of guilt and judgment, you’re under no obligation to keep talking to her.

If someone points out something about you that makes you feel challenged and threatened, sometimes the right call is to try and make space to hear and understand what they’re saying and then examine and work on the dark places in yourself that they shined a light on. Other times, the right call is to decide that they don’t speak for you, and their truth is not your truth, and the healthiest thing is to reject their description of you. It can be really, really hard to tell the difference, and mistakes in that area can be pretty consequential, so it’s okay to be struggling with this.