Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

I have genuinely no idea; I am not psychic! 

Think about what usually makes you feel sexy, and ask your partner for more of that! Whether it's flirty touches, compliments, specific types of sexual behaviors, etc. Sometimes couples just fall into a 'routine' and it can take some intentional effort to re-ignite the sexy spark. But you gotta identify what creates that spark for you!

Consider getting a bit out of your comfort zone and trying something new together, like taking sexy photos, shopping for a new sex toy or lingerie, getting a couple's massage, going to a sexy event together, sexting each other, etc.

Consider what else might be affecting your sense of self and what you can do to improve your self-esteem independently of your partner. I often feel less sexy when I'm tired or stressed, so think about whether therapy, a lifestyle change, or just some patience through a tough time could help. Some people really enjoy how they feel about their bodies when doing dance, yoga, or martial arts.  

If, after you've tried talking to your partner, putting some effort into re-igniting that spark, and finding your inner sense of sexiness, you still feel like this around your partner, it might not be a healthy relationship to stay in. Partners should make you feel precious, cherished, and wanted - and if your partner can't or won't do that, that's not okay.

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Can I be polyamorous if I'm straight?

I found out that I’m into polyamorous relationships. I only opened up to one person who is an acquaintance plus I have a crush on and thankfully he took it well but I sort of feel excluded since I don’t considered myself bisexual nor lesbian. Is it okay being interested in one gender while being poly?

Who is making you feel excluded? Those people are wrong and being obnoxious. Being bisexual or lesbian is about who you are attracted to; being polyamorous is about the type of relationship you want to be in. They are completely separate and can be mixed and matched in whatever combination is true for each individual. There are monogamous bisexuals, polyamorous lesbians, monogamous heterosexuals, polyamorous heterosexuals, you name it. Relax - you are you, and if you're polyamorous, then you're polyamorous.

Hi! I am poly-single/AB/‘virgin’ and working on expressing and meeting my social/romantic/sexual needs at the moment with my therapist as I am shy and afraid of making them real. I got an invitation from some members of the local poly group (among them my crush), they are organizing a 'pleasure party’, uncommercial, but with a strong focus on consent and safe sex. Do you have any tips for overcoming my insecurity or how to deal with the people there, so I can freely experience new things there?

First off, major kudos to you for working on this with your therapist and taking the big steps of connecting with a local polyamory group and making plans! You are doing the hard work of healing and growing, and that is something to be really proud of. Some tips from me:

Take the pressure off yourself. Some therapists working with clients to set new habits assign things like “every day, after work, drive to the gym. Just drive there and sit in your car for a bit.” That is easier to start with than “go to the gym and WORK OUT FOR A WHOLE HOUR,” especially if the person has anxiety around going to the gym or working out. So just plan to go and not have sex. Plan to go, meet people, get the lay of the land, see what these parties are all about. If all the stars align and you end up feeling comfortable and playing with someone you click with, great! But let that be a lucky bonus, not the purpose of your attendance.

Wear something you feel comfortable in. This is a tough one to get the right balance of, but it’s worth some pre-planning because in my experience, it does make a difference. If everyone is wearing strappy black leather and lingerie and you come in a bright yellow sundress or jeans and a t-shirt, you’ll stand out and feel self-conscious. At the same time, if you go buy something lacy and tiny that you’re not used to wearing, you’ll have a hard time enjoying yourself if you feel too exposed and are always worried about tugging or adjusting something uncomfortable. Ask the people who invited you what people usually wear, and take some time with your own wardrobe or shopping to find something that you are going to be comfortable in.

Be honest about your newbie-status. People at parties like this tend to be lovely, welcoming, friendly, and gentle. Don’t feel like you have to fool people into thinking you’re some expert who’s done this a million times. It’s okay to say that you’re new to this, that you’re a bit nervous, etc. It’s okay to ask questions. If anyone acts exclusive, rude, gatekeeper-y, or anything beyond sweet and helpful, they are not a safe person. It reflects on them, not you.

Be as independent as possible. It can be tempting to find a ‘buddy’ that you already know, maybe the person who invited you, and stick with them - and that’s definitely a good place to start, but don’t rely on them the entire time. If you only feel secure when right next to someone you already know, you won’t get to meet other people or enjoy other experiences. Plus, if they want to go off and play, or talk to someone else, etc. then you might feel abandoned or unsafe, and that’s no fun! So do your best to make friends, move through the room, hover near the food, step into those loose circles of people standing around and talking, make eye contact and smile and thus invite people to introduce themselves, etc.

What is the best way for me to communicate to a partner that it’s not okay for them to interact with social media, etc when we’re being intimate and/or having sex?

In the vast majority of situations, the best way to communicate something to a partner is clearly, honestly, and in as non-accusatory a way as possible. Bring it up when you two are together but not in the middle of an intimate moment - just as a check-in and a request.

“Hey, the last few times we were snuggling in bed, you were on your phone - and that actually really bothers me. Could you please put the phone/computer/social media way while we’re having sexy or intimate time together?”

If they say “sure, I didn’t realize that was an issue, sorry!” then, great! If they do it again, a gentle reminder: “Can we agree no phones right now?”

This is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make - it doesn’t mean your partner has been doing something wrong since they didn’t know this bothers you, but once you let them know, it should be relatively easy to work through. It’s good practice to get into the habit of gently but openly having this kind of conversation in any relationship.

If, when you ask, they refuse, if they downplay it, insist that you shouldn’t be bothered, try to argue, etc. then they aren’t ready or willing to meet this need for you, and you need to decide whether this is a sustainable setup long-term for you.

I’m not sure if you’re the right blog to ask, but I don’t know where else to turn to. I know I’m bisexual because I find both men and women romantically and sexually attractive. However, I find any touch from men (even hugging) disgusting unless they’re related to me. It makes me want to rip my skin off. Could this mean I’m not actually bisexual? I’m so confused.

If you “know you’re bisexual,” then that’s your answer.

It could be that you can aesthetically appreciate men, but don’t actually want to engage with them sexually. It could be that previous negative experiences or trauma have created a sense of disgust around men’s touch. This might be the kind of thing best worked out with a mental health professional who specializes in sexuality and identity, if it’s causing you distress.

It could be that your brain’s ‘wiring’ is bisexual, but the realities of your life mean that you aren’t set up to find touch or sexual attention from men enjoyable. It’s okay to let “nature” and “nurture” coexist - despite my previous use of the metaphor, it’s actually an oversimplification-to-the-point-of-myth to think of brains as ‘wired’ a certain way. 

If you enjoy fantasizing about men sexually, if you enjoy looking at attractive men, if you enjoy porn or erotica including men, awesome - do that! If you don’t enjoy actually having sex with men, that’s fine - don’t do that! Live your best, healthiest, happiest life, and don’t worry so much about what exact labels apply. 

I was wondering if you know of any advice blogs that are just as active and nice and friendly as your but oriented to the S&M sort of world at all? Most blogs I find are all straight-up porn and that’s not what I’m looking for…I Have Questions, people! Lol and nobody to answer them.

Well, I am a kinky fucker, so I am down to try and answer any BDSM questions. Or, you can check out some of these blogs (many of them also include porn):

http://sirs-classroom.tumblr.com/

http://subguide.tumblr.com/

http://dominantlife.tumblr.com/library

http://gentle-dominant.com/the-list (a list of blogs, many of which answer questions and give advice even if they aren’t explicitly advice column blogs)

http://www.thekinkrealm.com/

http://www.submissiveguide.com/tag/advice/

https://askdaddykenneth.com/

http://kinkandcode.com/category/advice-thoughts-2/sex-advice-from-a-fuck-up/

https://www.patreon.com/wickedgrounds (behind a Patreon pay wall)

http://cgl-advice.tumblr.com/ (specific to age play, which some may find triggering)

http://www.askpapabear.com/ (specific to furries, but covers BDSM as well)

I’ve always been sexually awkward, like I don’t know how to initiate anything and sometimes I think my partners are waiting for me to start something, what should i do? In the past, she has always been the one to initiate with me, and he joins in - he’s usually playing his computer games - i want to be more sexually active with them, but I’m not sure how to start anything..if that makes sense.

Communicate! Say “hey, I am working on becoming more sexually assertive and confident - can you work with me on that?” Ask them if there are things you’ve done in the past that they found sexy, and do those more! Ask them what kinds of times and situations they would really enjoy for you to initiate! Ask your partners what they find sexy, then do or wear that!

(Also, ask if this is something they want! Maybe they are okay with the fact that you don’t often initiate, either because they don’t like being come onto when they’re not in the mood; or because it fits a power dynamic in your sex life.)

Some concrete ideas:

With permission and in a secure channel, send them some erotica that you like, or if you’re feeling brave, a sexy story you wrote yourself

With permission and in a secure channel, send them some erotic pictures you like, or if you’re feeling brave, some photos of yourself

Schedule a nice evening in and do some tidying, light some candles, and basically set a ‘sexy’ stage for them to enter - you don’t always have to just find them in the house and start nibbling on their neck. You can plan ahead and say “let’s have a night in, just us, on Tuesday…I’ll get everything ready!” 

Wear something sexy (or nothing!) My partners know that certain things guys wear are huge turn-ons for me, so when they show up wearing that, it’s usually because they’re trying to get my attention ~*~in that way~*~

Suggest that you two buy a sex toy together and try it later - you can go in person or shop for it online

Hop in the shower with one of them and help them soap up

Just…go for it! Go up and kiss them, add some tongue, slide your hand somewhere fun - you are in control of your body and what you do with it, so you can take it from snuggly to sexy by putting your mouth, hands, etc. wherever you want them!

Note that it is always okay for people to turn down sex - if you initiate and they go “not right now, I’m sorry!” that is okay! It doesn’t mean you are unattractive or did something wrong - it’s a risk that comes with being the initiator. Be smart and sensible (do not go grabbing someone’s fun bits while they’re trying to chop veggies with a sharp knife or climb on top of someone when they’re late to work), and just let things unfold!

Help! My husband has been turning down sex. I come on to him and he continually turns me down. He says he’s just not in the mood. Should I be worried?

Is he going through a period of extra stress - something at work, something with his family, something with his health? That can impact libido a lot. If there’s something that’s making him stressed out and exhausted, try and partner with him to support him through that.

Has this been going on for a while? If it’s a short blip, it might be worth waiting out. Everyone’s sex drive ebbs and flows, and most couples go through periods of having less sex. If it’s going on for long enough that you’re concerned, that’s different.

Try gently chatting with him - not in an accusatory or angry way, just a “hey, you haven’t seemed too into sex lately, everything okay?” If he shrugs it off, you can say something like “I would like to be having more sex, so is there anything I can work with you to solve or improve?”

Sometimes things just fade after a while, but that’s not a death knell for your sex life. Maybe it’ll take a bit more effort to reignite the spark - a weekend away together to a cozy b&b, a shopping trip to a sex store, a private text app where you send each other written fantasies, whatever. Also, try mojo upgrade!

I recently had a threesome with a couple of friends, and it was fun in the moment, but later I heard them having sex again without me while they thought I was asleep, and then I regretted the threesome and felt gross about it. Is this normal?

Remember like 15 years ago when all the cool Hot Topic scene kids had buttons on their messenger bags that said “normal is a setting on a washing machine”? I don’t always advocate for taking life lessons from an angsty tween, but in this case, you could do worse. It doesn’t really matter whether other people have this feeling - you did, and it’s valid.

I can tell you that it is very “normal” to have strong, sometimes unexpected, feelings about, during, and after sex. Sex is a big deal for our brains and our bodies, and it can trigger all sorts of emotional and physiological sensations. Add that to the fact that most of us grow up steeped in a sex-negative culture that makes us feel ashamed or afraid of those strong feelings. Plus, in our heteronormative, monogamy-centric world, we are given few, if any, healthy ways to understand things like threesomes and non-monogamy.

So you’re okay. You’re normal. It’s okay to sit with and think about that feeling. Maybe it means that threesomes just aren’t for you, and that’s okay! It’s okay to try something and realize there’s something about it that you don’t enjoy. You can start to set boundaries around that to protect yourself now that you know it isn’t good for you. That may mean not having threesomes anymore, or asking future threesome partners not to have sex without you while you’re present.

Or, you could be battling some internalized shame and sex-negativity that is preventing you from enjoying something you otherwise would! Maybe you’ve been taught to feel gross and regretful about sex and want to unlearn that. Maybe the solution is to drag those feelings of ‘grossness’ and regret into the light, look at them sitting there all unpleasant and useless, and say “yeah, you don’t come from anything real and you don’t offer me anything healthy, and I reject you.” This is a process many people in the kink/BDSM community are familiar with.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whenever you have a feeling - you can decide that your feeling is telling you something important and helping you identify a something that’s not working for you; or, you can decide that your feeling is coming from a place of fear, threat, or shame and you want to understand and challenge it more. Either way, you’re normal, you’re fine, and you deserve to have a sex life that makes you feel good!

This might be a question you get often but is polyamory an orientation?

I do get this question often, and I have to wonder why. Why does it matter so much to people? We’ve spent so much time digging our heels into the idea that an “identity” is more valid if it’s not a “choice” - that if something is genetic, or chemical, or whatever, it’s somehow more real or less subject to judgment. 

People often insist that discrimination against a certain identity is not okay because it’s not a choice, or is okay because it is a choice. Our pride anthems sing “born this way.” But where does all that come from? I think it’s worth investigating this strange value system we’ve set up. If being in the world and doing things a certain way is the healthiest, happiest, most fulfilling choice for another person, and they aren’t hurting anyone else, why does it matter how we define it?

Is polyamory an orientation? Why do we care? Why are we so caught up in whether the way we love other people is a way of being or a way of doing? Why do I get this question so often, and why are we all so invested in the answer?

If you experience your polyamory as an innate part of your self, as something you are rather than something you do, great. It’s part of your orientation. We can split semantic hairs and say it’s a “relationship orientation” as opposed to a “sexual orientation.” Some people don’t experience it that way, and that’s fine too.

What’s not fine is if we start fighting about it and make it some big political or identity-political issue within the poly community. Because you know what? The rest of the world doesn’t care nearly as much about the nuances of our definitions. They’re prepared to deny us health insurance, child custody, media representation, hospital visitation, and plenty else regardless of whether we sort this out amongst ourselves. If we start turning on each other, there’s no one to have our backs. 

Im not sure where to start, but I’m starting to think I’m polyamorous, but Im not 100% sure since I dont know a lot about polyamory. Back in highschool I was very much in love with two people, but I didn’t end up dating them because I couldn’t choose one. I dated someone else, but still longed for others.I wasn’t happy in that relationship so idk. Since then, there seems to be a pattern of when I want someone or grow really close to someone, I still want others beyond just sex. Am I polyamorous?

No one is an arbiter of anyone else’s identity. Especially not strangers giving advice on the internet! There’s no magical wand you can wave over a person that will print a readout of their sexuality. And that’s okay! Discovering who you are is part of being a person. Being confused is an even bigger part of being a person. 

You very well may be polyamorous. For now, if you need a label, see if “poly-curious” works for you. Try it out and see! Read up on The Ethical Slut and More Than Two and see if those books resonate with you. Picture your best-case-scenario and work from there. Dip your toes into a poly relationship, visit some local poly meetups, and do what seems healthy and fulfilling for you at the time. You can always back out or go deeper - trying something out doesn’t mean you have to be that at the core of your being forever.

Good luck!

Please help me. Is polyamory similar to an orientation? what is it exactly? is wanting to be in a polyamorous relationship something you choose or just happens. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense. I’m just really confused about myself right now.

This is actually a very controversial topic within the polyamorous community! I fall pretty firmly on the side of thinking that it’s an orientation - that some people are just happier, healthier, and better fulfilled in monogamous relationships, and some in polyamorous relationships, and some can go either way. I do think that for many people, any innate polyamorous-ness goes unrecognized and unfulfilled by social messages.

But many people disagree with me, some vehemently (Dan Savage is a notable voice in this regard). Many believe that it’s a choice or a behavior, a way of doing things rather than a way of being. And people on both sides feel very strongly about this and associate their position on it with serious political and identity issues. So it’s okay to feel confused, and it’s okay to read dissenting voices and figure out which interpretation best fits your experiences.

flourishnblottts:

cumberbatched-in-the-shire:

whitebeltwriter:

There needs to be a bar or club or something that when you walk in there’s a rack of different color wristbands with words like “I’m looking for-“

• girls
• boys
• anyone
• no one
• friends
• etc

So that everyone would know who’s looking for who.

Like:

“Hey that girl is cute. And her wristband says she’s also looking for a girl. Sweet!”

Or:

"He’s cute, but his wristband says girls. Oh well.”

you are the future

Not poly related, but I consider it my civic duty to inform all y'all that the gay community totally had this idea about 30 years ago - learn about the hanky code

Tips on how to turn on a guy on the phone??

I think this is my first ask here that is about sex rather than polyamorous relationship practices. It also has what I’m pretty sure is the highest preposition concentration of any ask so far. But it has the same answer: open communication!

Ask him what he likes and what turns him on during phone sex or sexting - it’s different for everyone! If you’re at a place where you’re getting intimate over the phone, you should also be at a place where you can ask him: what turns you on? how can I make this awesome for you? what do you like in phone sex/sexting? Some people like to assign “sexy homework” - ask to watch some of his favorite erotic videos or read some of his favorite erotica to get a sense for what he likes.

I can’t speak for the specific guy you’re trying to tele-seduce. Only he can tell you whether he prefers descriptive imagery about a fantasy vs. dirty talk in the moment, or more focus on what you’re doing and experiencing vs. him.