I have just discovered the poly world. I’m a girl seeing a guy and I think we’re both comfortable w the concept and might explore it. But I’m afraid I have the wrong idea, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. What I truly want is for me and my guy to be a couple while occasionally bringing other girls into the mix. Not even relationships, just sex partners. Is this truly polyamory then, if there’s no commitment or long-term partners, just occasional fun? I don’t want the girls to get hurt either.

While I constantly tell people on here that I’m not the arbiter of who gets to use the polyamorous identity label, I’m going to be a little bit of a hypocrite about this: I wouldn’t say that’s polyamory, necessarily. Swinging, perhaps; an open relationship; non-monogamy with a sexual focus; or just a couple who likes to have threesomes. You’ve got options!

That said, if identifying as polyamorous helps you and your partner understand what you’re doing, communicate openly, and identify and meet needs, then that’s totally fine! Resources about being “polyamorous” could be really helpful, and you may feel that identifying as polyamorous gives you two what you need to do this in a healthy and fulfilling way.

However, I would caution you to be really, really, really clear with all your potential partners about this. Saying that you are “polyamorous” without defining what that means to you can cause serious problems if the person has a different definition of “polyamorous” than what you mean. Assumptions and miscommunications like that are how people get hurt.

So be sure that you are very up front and clear about the fact that this is a sexual thing for you two, and that you’re looking for someone to have a threesome with, not commit to emotionally or involve in any other aspect of your relationship. 

I recently had a threesome with a couple of friends, and it was fun in the moment, but later I heard them having sex again without me while they thought I was asleep, and then I regretted the threesome and felt gross about it. Is this normal?

Remember like 15 years ago when all the cool Hot Topic scene kids had buttons on their messenger bags that said “normal is a setting on a washing machine”? I don’t always advocate for taking life lessons from an angsty tween, but in this case, you could do worse. It doesn’t really matter whether other people have this feeling - you did, and it’s valid.

I can tell you that it is very “normal” to have strong, sometimes unexpected, feelings about, during, and after sex. Sex is a big deal for our brains and our bodies, and it can trigger all sorts of emotional and physiological sensations. Add that to the fact that most of us grow up steeped in a sex-negative culture that makes us feel ashamed or afraid of those strong feelings. Plus, in our heteronormative, monogamy-centric world, we are given few, if any, healthy ways to understand things like threesomes and non-monogamy.

So you’re okay. You’re normal. It’s okay to sit with and think about that feeling. Maybe it means that threesomes just aren’t for you, and that’s okay! It’s okay to try something and realize there’s something about it that you don’t enjoy. You can start to set boundaries around that to protect yourself now that you know it isn’t good for you. That may mean not having threesomes anymore, or asking future threesome partners not to have sex without you while you’re present.

Or, you could be battling some internalized shame and sex-negativity that is preventing you from enjoying something you otherwise would! Maybe you’ve been taught to feel gross and regretful about sex and want to unlearn that. Maybe the solution is to drag those feelings of ‘grossness’ and regret into the light, look at them sitting there all unpleasant and useless, and say “yeah, you don’t come from anything real and you don’t offer me anything healthy, and I reject you.” This is a process many people in the kink/BDSM community are familiar with.

Ultimately, it’s up to you whenever you have a feeling - you can decide that your feeling is telling you something important and helping you identify a something that’s not working for you; or, you can decide that your feeling is coming from a place of fear, threat, or shame and you want to understand and challenge it more. Either way, you’re normal, you’re fine, and you deserve to have a sex life that makes you feel good!

Is your boyfriend still enacting OPP if he refuses to consider being an a MMF threesome? I’m bi, he’s straight, and while he’s fine about me dating/having sex with other men, and is excited about MFF threesomes, he very quickly shuts down any possibility of MMF threesomes. It upsets me, even though I’m sure his reasoning (not gay/bi) is fair. Any help?

I don’t think this counts as a “One Penis Policy” - rules like that are about controlling what a partner does with their body/sexual choices. Everyone is always and forever and unequivocally allowed to make choices about what they do with their own body and sexual choices.

Your partner doesn’t want to be in a threesome with another man. This is totally and entirely his call to make - no one should ever feel, or be, pressured to do something sexual that they don’t feel comfortable with. This is not about him “withholding” the possibility of an MMF threesome from you or disallowing you from doing something; it’s about him setting boundaries about what he wants to do. And that is totally healthy and fine!

If you are deeply committed to the possibility of an MMF threesome, it sounds like you have other avenues to explore that, since you’re open to dating other men. But this isn’t something your boyfriend is willing to explore with you, and that’s entirely his right. I don’t personally believe this is comparable to a “One Penis Policy” or similar limitations placed on one partner by the other.