My partner is only okay with me dating women, but can't explain why.

I have a poly relationship with my bf. First he said I could date women but not men (I am pan). Because then he would be jealous. Now I like a man and told my bf, we fought. I don't get it? Why would he be jealous of men and not women I asked him and he doesn't know. Do you have any idea?

First off, if your partner doesn't know how to talk about what's going on in their head, it's okay to ask them to do more introspective self-work. "I have this feeling that I'm going to ask you to act on, but I can't explain what it means or where it's coming from" is a non-starter as far as I'm concerned. This is what I mean when I'm always recommending introspection and self-work. Sitting with your thoughts and feelings, examining their contours, finding words for them - this is a requirement for healthy polyamory. If you're going to act as if your feelings are facts and let them dictate the terms of your reality and your relationships, you should have a solid understanding of what they mean and where they're coming from.

Your partner is asking for something called a One Penis Policy, or OPP. This is common in relationships where the 'primary' couple is a man and a woman, and the woman identifies as bi or pan. Men tend to be more jealous of, and feel more threatened by, other men. It often comes from internalized ideas that penis-in-vagina sex is "real" sex, and therefore two women having sex is somehow less "real," and therefore less threatening. It also comes from assumptions about partnerships, where "the man" is the one in control or in possession of "the woman." Therefore, another woman wouldn't be a threat, but another man would. 

Even if your partner isn't overtly sexist or possessive, these assumptions are super common in our culture and worm their way into the way we think about reality. To most people, i's not an opinion or a worldview, it's just "how things are."

You and your partner should do some reading about OPPs (also called One Dick Rules, or ODRs) in polyamory. You can start here and here. Encourage him to find words for his feelings and start thinking about how he can explain them to you and work out how to manage them in the contect of your polyamorous relationship.

Of course, no one is obligated to, and many people are not able to, research and rationalize themselves out of their fears and feelings. Your partner may choose to just hold to this rule, citing his discomfort. He has the right to choose not to try and 'get over' his feelings, and he may try his hardest and still find it impossible. You can only control your choices: whether you want to stay in a relationship with these terms. 

How can I actually start working on my issues around OPPs?

I've found a great many articles about OPP and why it does nothing helpful, but I'm having difficulty finding anything on eliminating or overcoming the feelings that lead to the "need" of an OPP in the first place. I think/feel I may be poly, I think my wife is poly, but before I broach this with her, I want to get these jealousies and insecurities under control first. Could you offer any strategies or point me somewhere that can help me? Thank you!

I absolutely love this question - this is one of my favorite questions I've ever gotten. Short of popping over to your closest liberal arts college for a quick minor in gender studies and queer theory, there's a lot you can do and read to try interrogating the feelings and assumptions behind an OPP!

There are a lot of strategies from CBT/DBT to help you examine this - there is a delicate "switch point" where a feeling becomes a fact, and it's in that point that you'll be doing most of the work.

"I feel threatened" becomes "This thing makes me feel threatened" becomes "This thing is threatening me" becomes "This thing is inherently dangerous and should be avoided for my own safety."  And it's totally understandable that we go through that unconscious process - we have to be able to rely on our perception of the world! But sometimes, assumptions and prejudices warp what feels like simple observations.

You can try and stop that nearly automatic thought process with awareness and intentionality. When a feeling-fact comes up, ask yourself:

• Where did this information come from?
• What is the evidence for and against?
• What would the world look like if that was true?
• Does the world look like that?
• What else might be true?
• How does this thought make me want to act?
• How might I act if something else was true? 

I think it also helps to be aware of where certain ideas come from. Again, things often seem like "facts" because they're just floating around in our world being taken for granted, but they become much easier to challenge when you can actually see them as products of a specific worldview rather than just how the world works. 

• When you were growing up, what were you told about men, masculinity, and male sexuality?
• What were you told about women, femininity, and female sexuality?
• How were you taught to understand gender and sexuality?
• What messages from songs, movies, books, and culture have you internalized?
• How do you interpret your own sexual feelings and desires?
• What of your own thoughts and feelings might you be projecting onto a theoretical other man? Where did those thoughts and feelings come from?

Imagination and thought exercises are also powerful tools:

• Think about your partner having sex with a man. What feelings come up?
• In this image, how similar is the scenario to your partner having sex with you (assuming you are a man)? How different is it? 
• Think about your partner having sex with a woman. What feelings come up?
• What feels different to you, between the two?
• Why does it feel different?
• How might you feel about your partner seeing a trans man? A trans woman?
• In each case, what is your best-case-scenario? What is your worst-case scenario?

It might seem cheesy, but journaling about these questions - actually brainstorming and writing down what you actually think and where you think those thoughts came from - can really help. Sometimes, getting into the nitty gritty of what you actually think and why can help you let go of assumptions that aren't really well supported or aren't serving you.

Sometimes, those pesky feeling-facts will stick around longer, refusing to dissipate just because you took them into the light. But they will be much easier to talk about, find resources for, and work on once you have a better sense of what they are and where they come from.

I looked around for poly-centric resources on actually working past the worldview that gives rise to an OPP, and you're right - most just explain why OPPs are bad but don't give a clear roadmap out of the OPP braintraip. This article is the closest I got. Hopefully people in the future can also find this blog post - thanks, letter-writer, for actually asking this super important question!

Postscript: I am tempted to get in deep on my personal philosophy about OPPs, how my polyamory is wrapped deeply in with my radical politics. To give just one example, male" is often associated with "property owner" and "female" is often coded as "property to be possessed," so interrogating OPPs might also mean looking into anti-capitalist thinking and understanding how our concepts of gender and capital are all intertwined; how understanding the fundamental assumptions of our culture goes so much deeper than just figuring out how to make non-monogamy work - but I wanted to keep this answer pretty open and leave it as a guide to pursue your own self-work. If ideas about righteousness and sin; or abandonment and families; or economic ownership, or other sociocultural concepts come up for you while thinking on these questions, there are tons of resources out there to dive deeper into whatever you're most interested in. 

How can I talk to my husband about the OPP in our relationship?

I saw your last post about the OPP and realize that’s what me and my husband have. Do you have any resources on how my husband can get over his hangups over the OPP? I want to help him work through this because I love him so much and want to stay married to him, but I also don’t want to not be who I am.

The two articles linked in my longest post on this issue are the ones I'd endorse as starting points.

Start from a place of openness and gentleness, asking questions to help both of you understand where his OPP is coming from. Help each other give language to your needs, your desires, how you see your relationship, how you frame the openness of the relationship, your fears, etc. For a lot of people, being asked to explain just what threatens them about a man vs a woman helps them realize that there isn't really anything they can identify - it's just an underlying assumption they never questioned.

For a long time, I thought I didn't like coffee cake. I can't stand coffee, and coffee cake seemed to always go with coffee. Adults liked it, and I didn't like adult things like almonds and red wine and mushrooms. I kinda figured it tasted like coffee, and the crumbly bits on top looked like other things I don't like. So I just moved through life as a person who didn't like coffee cake. I turned it down when it was offered and never thought much about it otherwise. Until someone asked me: "you don't like coffee cake? Why?" And I said "Well I don't like coffee, so..." and they explained that coffee cake tastes like cinnamon and sugar and loveliness. And so I tried some. And now I like coffee cake. Well, now I know that I like coffee cake.

The point is that we all move through life with assumptions that we think are empirical facts, but are really just things we absorbed somewhere that may or may not be true. They're amalgamations of messages we've gotten from other people, from the media, one-off experiences, and misinterpretations. A lot of beliefs that stem from mono-normativity and hetero-normativity and cis-normativity fall into this category. They seem true because they seem true. But they don't stand up to actual scrutiny. 

All that said, keep in mind that although there are lots of good articles out there about how to interrogate and challenge the mindset that leads to OPPs, it's best to let go of "get your husband to get over his hangups" as a goal. You can have the perfect conversation, share with him the ideal article, have a wonderful metaphor in your head, be totally awesome at deconstructing the ideas behind OPPs - and there's still no guarantee that you can change another person's mind. For a lot of people, those internalized assumptions are their truth, and the feelings and values attached to them are just too strong.

Stay focused on what you can control - your own choices. If he won't or can't change what his boundaries are, and if a relationship with those conditions isn't healthy or fulfilling for you, then you may need to make some changes for yourself.

Where can I find more info about this blog's thoughts on OPPs?

Do you have more resources, on or about your perspective in the "one penis policy" thing?

My non-tumblr homepage has a search feature on the right side of the page - so anyone curious for more from me on a specific topic can start there! I've written about OPP style thinking a few times, but here is the post where I include some links and discuss my personal perspective on this topic.

My partner only wants me to date women, but I also want to date men

Is it normal/fair for my boyfriend of a year and a half (who has been pushing for us to attempt poly/open relationship since we started dating) to restrict me from dating my preferred sex while he can still date his preferred sex? I feel this tears at me because he encourages me to be with women, but the idea of being open is also making me attracted to men and the whole ordeal is causing some inner turmoil for me.

Is it normal? If you define "normal" as "common," then yes - this sounds like a "one penis policy" or "one dick rule," and those are relatively common. Does that make it fair or okay? No. It's not really a good benchmark for appropriate behavior to ask whether other people do it. 

I think such "restrictions" in open relationships are pretty stupid - they betray a lot of assumptions on the part of the person setting them that aren't really based on reality and are pretty arbitrary. There is nothing about sex with a man that is more emotionally threatening than sex with a woman, unless you decide that it is, because you think that it is, because your perspective is warped by weird misconceptions about gender and sexuality. Your partner thinks he is keeping himself "safe" from something if you only date women - but that makes no sense. Safe from what, exactly? Those misconceptions deserve to be interrogated rather than indulged. 

So now you have me, an internet advice blogger, confirming what you already know: that these relationship terms are not working for you. The problem is not you being unreasonable while your partner asks something entirely fair, reasonable, and valid. Now your job is to do something with this information. Have a chat with your partner about where this comes from and what the two of you can do to help address the real root of his feelings and fears - not by scapegoating an arbitrary trait of potential partners. And if he continues to hold that something is non-negotiable when it's really bothering you, then you have clear information about whether the terms of this relationship will work for you.

I want to date a guy, but my fiancé and I have only talked about opening the relationship to women

My fiancé (27) & I (22) have been together for ~7 years. We had a threesome over a year ago with a woman that he worked with. It was enjoyable in the moment for all of us, but it was awkward & we didn’t handle it very smoothly. He actually had sex with her before the three of us did anything (or before I really talked to her about much of anything) which he told me about and I didn’t hold against him because it was a result of unclear communication between the two of us. In the end, we learned a lot & it made me want an open relationship even more. The issue is that my partner is only interested in women for us, together or separate. I identify as bi & have a huge crush on 1 of our mutual friends who is a guy. My fiancé knows about the crush but still feels weird about opening up to me having relationship with another man. He says he just has a harder time trusting men, but I’m worried it could be stemming from jealousy or lack of self confidence or something. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt my current partner, I love him deeply, but I also reallyyyyyy like this other guy and want to talk to him about how I feel, but again, don’t want to overstep any boundaries or hurt feelings or miscommunicate. Were also definitely NOT out about being polyam-curious (I think that’s the right term to use here).

Your first step is to talk to your fiancé about this. It's pretty common for men to feel this way about female partners - that they're okay with their partners dating women, but not other men. Within the polyamorous community, this is often referred to as the "One Dick Rule" or "One Penis Policy."* The One Dick Rule, though common, is garbage, and you are correct that it usually comes from hangups that deserve to be interrogated.

Talk to your partner about this conviction he has that men are "less trustworthy." What, specifically, is he concerned about? This isn't about him convincing you that his rule is valid and should be followed; it's about figuring out how to help him let go of these hangups. Let him know that as far as you're concerned, as a bisexual woman, being allowed to date other people does include men, and you want to figure out how to work that out.

Say that you've been thinking seriously about having an open relationship ever since the threesome, and you want to talk about whether that could work between you, and if so, what it would look like. Be clear and honest about what you want. Only after you two figure out what your relationship arrangement will look like is the right time to come out in your social circles as polyam-curious and willing to date and/or sleep with other people.

I also want to add a note of caution. Keep in mind that you've been dating this man since you were fifteen and he was twenty. This creates some vulnerabilities that you should be aware of. With that kind of age gap, the older partner often gets to determine the other partner's sense of what is normal, so you need to be very careful about that. Don't take his word for it that something he did was unilaterally okay, or that something you did makes his behavior consequence-free, or that his preferences are objective reflections of reality.

It's a red flag for me that he slept with someone essentially without your permission or without working it out with you first, but you're not allowed to be upset about that because it was a "miscommunication." Now you're worried about another "misunderstanding" with regards to these new steps toward opening the relationship. It's not okay that these "miscommunications" seem to fall on you - it's your responsibility to avoid and prevent them, but if they do happen, they absolve him of responsibility.

You need to figure out how to keep yourself safe from this sort of framing. Both of you are responsible for managing your communication. Neither of you are immune from consequences even if you genuinely had a miscommunication. Both of you are entitled to your feelings about things, even if the other person insists that your feelings are the result of a miscommunication. You two need to figure out how to prevent these miscommunications, and if they do happen, how to navigate and heal from the fallout of that miscommunication, rather than brushing it off. That's the first step - clear, open, honest, and safe communication.

*Side note: the last time I used the phrase One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy, I got a message saying that it was transphobic to equate being a man with having a dick. In general, it is true that this isn't a great assumption to make. In this case, however, I do feel that - to get a bit Freudian here - it is in large part the 'threat' of the 'phallus' that creates the anxiety. One wonders how many men who have an ODR in place would 'allow' their partner to date or sleep with a man without a penis, and what that says about their conception of maleness and sexuality. Also, I didn't invent the term, and want to best equip my readers to get more information, and One Dick Rule/One Penis Policy will be more searchable than One Male Person Rule. 

Is your boyfriend still enacting OPP if he refuses to consider being an a MMF threesome? I’m bi, he’s straight, and while he’s fine about me dating/having sex with other men, and is excited about MFF threesomes, he very quickly shuts down any possibility of MMF threesomes. It upsets me, even though I’m sure his reasoning (not gay/bi) is fair. Any help?

I don’t think this counts as a “One Penis Policy” - rules like that are about controlling what a partner does with their body/sexual choices. Everyone is always and forever and unequivocally allowed to make choices about what they do with their own body and sexual choices.

Your partner doesn’t want to be in a threesome with another man. This is totally and entirely his call to make - no one should ever feel, or be, pressured to do something sexual that they don’t feel comfortable with. This is not about him “withholding” the possibility of an MMF threesome from you or disallowing you from doing something; it’s about him setting boundaries about what he wants to do. And that is totally healthy and fine!

If you are deeply committed to the possibility of an MMF threesome, it sounds like you have other avenues to explore that, since you’re open to dating other men. But this isn’t something your boyfriend is willing to explore with you, and that’s entirely his right. I don’t personally believe this is comparable to a “One Penis Policy” or similar limitations placed on one partner by the other.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years now and I finally came out to him as poly. He told me it was okay to kiss other guys but nothing more sexual and that I could date girls. The problem is, I also just met this guy who I have really great chemistry with. I don’t necessarily want to date him (at least not yet) but I’m feeling really limited because it feels like I’m not even allowed to have feelings for him. I want to respect my boyfriends boundaries but I also want to explore polyamory fully.

First, talk to your boyfriend about where these boundaries come from and see if they can be addressed in more abstract ways rather than explicit rules about what you can and can’t do with your other partners. Many times, these kind of rules dissolve when partners realize that they are trying to protect themselves against a certain feeling, and that can often be addressed with different kind of requests, like setting aside a date night for the two of you every week, committing to regular check-ins, etc.

If he insists on holding to these boundaries, that’s his right. You then have to decide whether you want to stay with this boyfriend under these terms, or leave to explore polyamory on freer terms. Both choices require a pretty big sacrifice, but you’ll need to figure out which is the one most worth making.

Me & my husband have been together for 4 years & when I first got with him he was in a poly relationship with someone else. I allow him to date other girls & I know that I can date other girls too. Idk if I can date other guys tho & that’s not fair.

If you don’t know, the solution is to ask him! Ask whether he would be okay with you dating men as well as women. If he is, problem solved!

If he’s not, and you feel that’s unfair, there’s more talking to do. Ask him why he feels that way, and see if together you two can get to the bottom of his discomfort and find a way to help him work through it.

If he absolutely will not budge, and you think those terms are unfair, you have a decision to make: stay in a relationship under terms you find unfair, or don’t. 

I want adventure with other men but my bf is against it and I have no idea what to do. I’m only allowed to hook up with women as of now. I don’t want to cheat but the desire is so strong.

Ah, the one dick rule. As in all things, communication and honest self-inquiry are the best way through this (alarmingly common) poly issue. Ask your boyfriend why he doesn’t want you to hook up with other men, and encourage him to give you a thoughtful answer. I have yet to hear a man’s explanation for this rule that really holds up to honest examination.

Explain that sex with women is the same as sex with men, and the specifics another partner’s genitals don’t threaten your commitment to him. Say that you don’t understand this rule, and need him to be clear with you about why you having sex with women isn’t a problem for him, but sex with men is.

Be open, be a good listener - don’t be condescending or accusatory, but continue asking clarifying questions until you feel like he’s done the honest work of explaining himself. If he’s unwilling to have this conversation, or his responses strike you as unhealthy, that will give you a lot of information about whether an open relationship with this person is sustainable in the long term.

So I’ve been in a Polyamorous relationship before, but left it because it was toxic (the guy I was dating had a gf and they considered themselves the main relationship, and she had jealousy issues with him dating other people while she had up to 5 other partners). Anyways that’s long past, but I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a year, he is monogamous and I’ve expressed my interest in seeing women (I’m bi). He’s OK with it. Any suggestions for meeting bisexual/lesbian poly women?

The same way you’d generally meet prospective romantic/sexual partners! Go to events where people who share your interests congregate (birdwatching groups, underground fight clubs, indie movie houses, wherever your jam is playing) and try OKCupid, which lets you be pretty flexible and clear about your relationship arrangements and preferences.

Also, you didn’t ask my advice on this part, but you did ask my advice, so I’m giving it all: I’d recommend having some more conversations with your boyfriend about why he’s okay with you seeing women specifically. That’s often a signal that he’s not entirely okay with the poly arrangement, that he may feel threatened by other partners, etc. and it puts you in a rough spot if you find yourself crushing on someone who isn’t a woman.