Is there a term for wanting to only be sexually, and not romantically, open?

September 10, 2021

Hello! I am trying to find answers to my relationship preferences and thought you could help out! I have discovered that I prefer to be romantically and sexually involved with one person (my boyfriend) and only sexually involved with other people. Is there a term for this?

Whoever is responsible for this recent obsession with whether there is a specific term for something owes me a drink. And I don’t even drink.

To my knowledge, there is no specific noun or identity term you can use to say “I am a [person with these preferences].” You’re welcome to make one up that suits you, or combine existing concepts, but you have such a good handle on it already, you’re fine.

You know exactly what you want, and you articulated it pretty clearly here - so you don’t actually need a term for this, you can just be you!

However, you might be interested in the following concepts: open relationships, swinging, and hierarchical polyamory.

January 16, 2017

I looked around in you FAQ and a I saw a similar question but not quite like this. If you want/are in multiple qprs, not romantic just qprs, is that poly? I have a bigger question dealing with some issues I have that kinda rides on this.

My answer is generally the same as the FAQ page on this issue.

If identifying as poly:

helps you find language to express your identity, needs, and feelings clearly and honestly
gives you the tools to set healthy boundaries and cultivate positive relationships
gives you the healing, freedom, or permission to live fully into your self and your desires

then you’re probably poly.

If identifying as poly:

raises more questions than answers, or leaves you feeling confused or alienated
makes you feel hemmed in by existing definitions and concepts you find restrictive or inappropriate to who you are and what you need
feels uncomfortable or inaccurate as a self-descriptor

then you’re probably not poly, or need to do more introspection about it.

Whatever bigger questions and issues you’re facing, a poly identification is just one lens through which to look at them; just one tool to apply to the situation. If it works, use it. If it doesn’t, let it go.

In my humble opinion, people who are bisexual don’t have a monopoly on the prefix “bi.” The terms “bigender” and “bipolar” also exist, which can be used by people who are not bisexual.I can see the issue of people using the same term to mean differe… — In my humble opinion, people who are bisexual don’t have a monopoly on the prefix “bi.” The terms “bigender” and “bipolar” also exist, which can be used by people who are not bisexual.
I can see the issue of people using the same term to mean different things - appropriation, misrepresentation, etc. But “bipoly” and “bisexual” are different words. In what way is the bisexual community harmed by other types of identities using the “bi” prefix?
It’s important to remember that identity labels, like all words, were made up by someone at some point. And there will always be people who have opinions about the process used to develop that word. But people who need words to describe themselves and their experiences will find a way, and as long as no one is getting hurt - if a term isn’t being stolen or appropriated, or slurs aren’t being used - I think it’s best to let linguistic change be part of a healthy process of growth and discovery, rather than a way to draw lines and challenge each other.
But, of course, you’re allowed to disagree. I don’t get to tell anyone what is or isn’t allowed to make them uncomfortable. All I can do is have my opinion and express it with as much honesty and gentleness as I can, and try and hold space for other people’s opinions.

May 24, 2016

December 30, 2015

Ok SO im in a relationship with a person that ive formed a “pair bond” with and its an open relationship. The problem is, its more of an emotional partnership with the bonus of sexual stuff, and no romantic component which is perfect for me, but i am uncomfortable calling him my boyfriend, because no romance, and i wanted to ask if you had any terms you could suggest instead of boyfriend! Thanks and have a lovely holiday!

Here is a non-exhaustive list of words besides boyfriend or friend:

Partner
Dudefriend
Guyfriend
Lover
Smoosh/boo/bae/other cutesy gibberish
Amour
Any other term that has specific meaning to you - anything from Monster to Bear to Jujubean

Honestly, it’s not all that important. I have dated lots of people who didn’t feel like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” accurately captured our circumstances, but we eventually gave up and just referred to ourselves that way for convenience sake.

If you make up a term besides “boyfriend” and use it with people who don’t understand the situation, you’ll end up having to explain it. And if you two feel good about the terms of your relationship, you don’t need a word to define it between the two of you.

Part of the joy of relationships is creating a world full of shared experiences. Build the relationship you want, and you might find that a cozy language that fits your needs will just sort of fall together.

December 8, 2015

“
Identity is the demand made by power - tell us who you are so we can tell you what to do. And by complying with that demand, by parsing endlessly the particulars that make our identity different from one another’s, we are slotting into a power structure, not dismantling it.

We should never have to choose between good and bad identity, difference and universalism, but rather, our interrogation should focus on what subtends the demand for identity and difference. Critiquing identity politics, then, is not a dismissal of lived reality but, rather, a response to the oppressive demands that identity itself can make under the guise of a progressive politics. Oppression by identity also qualifies as lived experience, and we should not settle on a demand made by power without also taking seriously the consequences of that demand.

If anything, the most widespread truth about our lived reality is that it is too multiple to abide by a code of identitarian difference: live dreality is at odds with identity politics. This is why it is so startling when many of us seem content with thinking of our lives strictly within the structures that constrain it, speaking unironically about the immutability of race or gender or sexuality. Race and sex and gender and class are certainly policed fiercely in all societies, but why do we confuse that policing with the truth about ourselves? If anything, the categorization is the problem, not our challenging of it. In a bizarre move of sympathizing with our oppressors, we take to heart regimes that restrict us, and then tell ourselves that the restriction is the truth of our being in the world.
”

— Madhavi Menon, Indifference to Difference (via kit-power)

August 21, 2014

I recently found out that polyamory is when you fall in love with more than one person at a time, and I was like, “Holy *insert bad word* that’s me!” But I’m in a monogamous relationship and want to continue that. Does this mean I’m actually not poly, I just get attached to people easily?

I get a lot of questions along this line - people wanting to know whether they’re “really” polyamorous, or how they can tell whether they’re poly, or how they can find the right label or identification. But I am not an arbiter with the power to bestow or validate someone’s identity claim. No one is. Anyone who says they are is being a jerk.

The thing about human sexuality is that it’s fluid. It insists on defining itself rather than shifting to fit a pre-existing definition. There’s no test, no part of the brain we can peel back and look at to find a blinking light that says POLY or MONO, or GAY or STRAIGHT, or anything like that.

Relationships work best when they’re allowed to just be what they are, to develop organically, to grow in the ways they need to. If you’re happy in a monogamous relationship, good for you! Keep doing that. Keep doing that as long as it makes you feel healthy and fulfilled. If you could also see yourself being happy in a polyamorous relationship, that’s okay! Those realities can co-exist just fine, in an identity and in practice.

The only thing that you are, completely and definitively, is you. External labels and definitions can’t always get at the core of who you are and what you need to be healthy. If identity labels are important to you (and that’s okay), find one that meets you where you are. Maybe you identify as poly/mono-fluid. Maybe poly in the general case, but mono for this person. Or maybe you’re just this person, in this relationship, as it is, right now.

August 4, 2014

Hello. I was wondering if there are any good indicators of liking in idea of being poly vs identifying as poly. I’m a 17 year old queer girl who’s never been in any sort of relationship so I don’t have any experience to draw from. I’ve only known of poly relationships by reading about them (both fictional and real life accounts). I’m not actively looking for a relationship (and I’m not fully out as queer) but if there’s any advice you can give, it would be appreciated.

Being a person with a body and sexuality and relationships and feelings that don’t always fit into neat boxes can be hard and confusing, but also fun and awesome!

Experiment at your own pace and in your own way. Try out different relationship styles with different people. Get to know yourself and your body without other people in the mix. Read things that inspire and confuse you. Learn what is healthy and fulfilling for you. Take that and leave the rest behind.

You can like ideas without needing to incorporate them fully into your identity right away, or ever. It’s okay to identify as something for a while, and then grow into something new. You don’t have to decide for yourself exactly what you are right now. In fact, you don’t have to decide that ever! Identity is never carved into stone, and anyone who gives you shit for not dragging around a giant stone with identity labels permanently carved into it is gross and toxic. You are always free to grow and change.

It’s not about knowing what labels fit you best or permanently. It’s about living into the most healthy, joyful, whole version of who you are.