I’m running into a bizarre-feeling issue with poly here. I have a lovely partner, who has been super supportive of me every step of the way since coming out. The few who I’ve told in my life have taken it in stride as well. However, I’M still convinced that deep down I’m a bad person for needing this. I feel like I’m not playing by the rules, being selfish, all the things that people say to be critical about poly lifestyles. Is this something you’ve encountered before? Have any kind words?

If you’re struggling with self criticism but you have people around you who are supportive, try to lean on your trust and respect for those people. They wouldn’t be your partner and your friends if you didn’t trust them or respect their perspectives, so if they believe you are sensible and worthy, try to honor that. If they expressed any other opinion, you wouldn’t be like “nah, you’re ignorant and wrong,” you’d take them seriously. So their opinions of you also reflect the thoughts of someone you respect and believe in.

It might also help to direct some of the criticism outwards. You’re right that there are lots of nasty societal messages about poly people - we are taught since we’re young by music, movies, books, and other media that being monogamous is the same as being moral and having integrity. And we internalize that, and it can make it hard for us to practice self compassion and live into who we really are without shame. It’s not only poly people - women, the LGBTQ community, any minority must live with the echoing voices of dominant narratives telling them they’re flawed, not good enough, deviant.

But instead of getting down on yourself, try getting down on society. It’s wrong and it’s destructive and it’s not fair that we’re handed these toxic messages and we don’t get positive media representation. It’s sad and frustrating that we have to dig a healthy identity out of this mess. Remind yourself that these difficulties aren’t your fault, and that you’re not alone in dealing with them. Indulge in a little self-righteousness. Read work online by poly activists, read about self care and self compassion. And continue surrounding yourself with loving, supportive people. 

Hi, so, this will probably sound incredibly uneducated and lame but that’s why I’m asking-so I can be educated. I saw something about bisexuality being any level of attraction to different people, so you cane be 90% attracted to men and only 10% attracted to women and still be bisexual. I’ve been really confused for a while because I find certain women incredibly attractive but I don’t want to have sex with them and I am certainly more into men. Idk what this is.

“What this is” is you. All I can tell you is that you’re a person, with a sexuality. It’s okay to be in an undefined space - you’re you, and that’s all you need to be. Sexuality is a tricky thing, often described as “fluid,” and differently experienced by every individual on this great planet.

Maybe your sexuality doesn’t line up neatly with definitions and labels that other people have. That’s okay! When you read something, even if it’s strongly worded or stated in universal terms, you don’t need to take it at face value. You have the right to investigate claims, develop your own worldview, and find the identity that is healthy and fulfilling for you to live into.

It is possible to find someone, or something, aesthetically attractive and not have that appreciation translate into sexual desire. I find Natalie Dormer, the color teal, and Van Gogh's Starry Night incredibly attractive, but don’t want to have sex with any of them. If you don’t want to have sex with women and don’t identify as bi, then don’t! It doesn’t matter how another person interprets their 90%/10% attraction. They’re not wrong, you’re not wrong - people are different, and there’s no such thing as Identity Police.

If you do identify as bi but with a preference for men, then go ahead and identify that way. Maybe you will find women you want to have sex with, and identifying as bi can give you the context to recognize that attraction for what it is and deal with it in a healthy way. But you make the choice that you feel best reflects who you are and what you need to have healthy relationships - not what someone else says works for them.

I recently found out that polyamory is when you fall in love with more than one person at a time, and I was like, “Holy *insert bad word* that’s me!” But I’m in a monogamous relationship and want to continue that. Does this mean I’m actually not poly, I just get attached to people easily?

I get a lot of questions along this line - people wanting to know whether they’re “really” polyamorous, or how they can tell whether they’re poly, or how they can find the right label or identification. But I am not an arbiter with the power to bestow or validate someone’s identity claim. No one is. Anyone who says they are is being a jerk.

The thing about human sexuality is that it’s fluid. It insists on defining itself rather than shifting to fit a pre-existing definition. There’s no test, no part of the brain we can peel back and look at to find a blinking light that says POLY or MONO, or GAY or STRAIGHT, or anything like that.

Relationships work best when they’re allowed to just be what they are, to develop organically, to grow in the ways they need to. If you’re happy in a monogamous relationship, good for you! Keep doing that. Keep doing that as long as it makes you feel healthy and fulfilled. If you could also see yourself being happy in a polyamorous relationship, that’s okay! Those realities can co-exist just fine, in an identity and in practice.

The only thing that you are, completely and definitively, is you. External labels and definitions can’t always get at the core of who you are and what you need to be healthy. If identity labels are important to you (and that’s okay), find one that meets you where you are. Maybe you identify as poly/mono-fluid. Maybe poly in the general case, but mono for this person. Or maybe you’re just this person, in this relationship, as it is, right now.