I like the idea of a polyamorous relationship, but don't think I could make it work in practice

Can you be polyam in theory? What I mean is, I don't think I could actually be in such a relationship because I get jealous too easily with only one partner but I really like the idea of having more than one. I'm so confused.

Absolutely!

If you’ll permit me to get on a bit of a soapbox, I think there has been a strange shift in the discourse around identities over the past few years, and people have become obsessed with pinning down the exact term for exactly who, and what, they are.

But it doesn’t really work that way. Plenty of people are “mono in theory,” in the sense that they like the idea of being in a committed relationship, but don’t currently feel ready for a relationship. Plenty of people think they could probably be happy living on an island off the coast of New England, but don’t have any plans to leave their whole life and move to one tomorrow.

If you’re happy with your relationships as they are right now, then you’re fine. If you like daydreaming or fantasizing about something but know that it wouldn’t work for you in reality, then you’re in good company with the rest of the human race!

You may want to do some self work or even therapeutic work to address your jealousy in relationships if it’s causing you distress or if you want to start exploring non-monogamy, but you’re not obligated to do that. You can see polyamory as “cool, but not for me” or even “cool, but not for me right now” - and that’s completely fine.

I want to be in a polyamorous relationship

I’m jealous of a poly relationship. I wish I was a part of it.

I’m not 100% clear from your wording whether there’s a specific polyamorous relationship you want to be part of, or whether you just want to be in a polyamorous relationship.

If there are people in your life who you want to be in a relationship with, it’s okay to pursue that! Flirt with them, invite them out, identify what you have in common. Ask them out!

If they make (or have made) it clear that you’re not interested, it might be healthy for you to take some distance from a situation that makes you feel jealous or left out. Hang out with them less, find other friendships and hobbies to invest in, unfollow them on social media.

If you’re interested in dating polyamorously even if you don’t get to date specific people, check out my page on finding polyamorous people to date!

Someone told me the point of polyamory is to cultivate jealousy, and I don't want that

Someone I know said they were told by a polyamory person that jealousy is what brings people into polyamorous relationships? Because it's a rush or it provides a constantly "new" and "fresh" feeling to the relationship? I said that wasn't true because polyamory is a relationship (generally) like most others and jealousy in any relationship can make it unhealthy. I just wanted to check because I would like to enter a poly relationship in the future but I don't want to be in that kind of environment.

You are correct in that "purposefully injecting and indulging jealousy" is not typically a healthy relationship dynamic, and it is not at the core of most healthy polyamorous relationships.

Your friend of a friend may have been referring more to the fact that some people get a sexual charge out of what we might call "jealousy." Lots of sexual fetishes, kinks, and fantasies revolve around threat, territorialism, possessing a partner, etc. Perhaps the most recognizable form of this is "cuckolding" or "cuckqueaning," though there are lots of other forms it can take: some people like to include the 'sharing' of a partner as part of a BDSM scenario, some people just include spoken fantasies about other sexual partners as part of their erotic flirting or foreplay.

But this is a sexual thing, not a relationship thing. Jealousy is a powerful energy, and most powerful energies can be eroticized. There is nothing wrong with people seeking other partners as part of their sexual play, as long as everyone is on board and all parties understand and consent to what's going on. But in almost all cases, what works sexually isn't the totality of the relationship, and vice versa.

For most polyamorous people, polyamory is a way of being in a relationship, not a way of having sex. But, there are people out there who do center their polyamory around sex and sexuality. This can create confusion and even stigma, which is frustrating, but language is imprecise and the alternative is gatekeeping and in-group conflict, which I'm generally against unless necessary for people's health and safety. The most important thing is to know what polyamory means to you.

Just because someone out there practices polyamory in a way you would find unhealthy or unpleasant doesn't mean you need to! Someone else's definition of polyamory can not and should not define your own relationships! Your job is to know who you are, and what you mean when you use specific terms and labels. This is important when communicating with people in your life, and less so when it comes to correcting or policing other people. So, yeah, it's aggravating that misinformation is going around through your extended circle, but rest assured that you don't have to agree with or act on other people's beliefs. 

Hey, I was wondering if you had any resources about dealing with insecurity, jealousy, lack of self-esteem, comparing oneself to others and such? I’m not actually poly. It’s just that I guess the people who had or have those issues and were poly must have a lot of very interesting stuff to say about it.

Boy howdy, do we!

Poly-specific resources:

A good place to start is my mental health resources page - it includes recommendations for books and some online self-help resources specifically about self esteem!

Here is the More Than Two hub on jealousy and insecurity, which includes a free ebook and a great little article about becoming a more secure person.

The Polyamorous Misanthrope has a lot of good resources, so poke around that blog as well! Here’s one of their pieces on overcoming insecurities.

The Polyamory Society Self-Improvement Program includes a section on positive self-affirmation and another on fighting self-defeating or negative messages.

Patheos ran an article about self-love and polyamory, and Psychology Today has a piece on managing jealousy in polyamory.

General resources:

I cannot recommend enough the work of Brene Brown, specifically Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. 

Because we live in the future, there are tons of apps out there to help build self-esteem! Here’s a list of some, and here’s another one.

Also: therapy!!! Therapists are there for exactly this kind of issue! (You’d think I get kickbacks from the rich and powerful therapy mafia for how often I say this, but sadly that is not a real thing and I don’t make any money off this blog.)

i’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and i love him very much! he’s very protective and gets jealous easily, but he tells me he just wants me to do what makes me happy. recently my friend admitted she has a crush on me, and i would love to date both of them, but i’m afraid i would hurt my boyfriend because of how committed he is to me. and i don’t even know how she feels about polyamory. any advice??

First off, jealousy and level of commitment aren’t related - you can be very committed to someone and not very jealous; you can also be very jealous about someone but not that committed to them. (Song with relevant lyrics.) It sounds like your boyfriend is both very committed and pretty jealous, but one is not evidence of the other. Equating jealousy with commitment or intensity of affection is a dangerous mistake.

Second, it sounds like your primary issue is not knowing how all parties feel about things. You can ask your boyfriend how he feels about polyamory in the abstract without jumping right into “hey, cool if I date my friend?” And you can ask your friend - “hey, since you told me you have a crush on me, would you want to get together if I was still with my boyfriend?” 

If your boyfriend says he would never consider a poly or open arrangement, there’s your answer. You can decide whether to stay with him and let go of a chance with your friend, or to leave that relationship to pursue other options. Be sure, however, that you know what options you are pursuing -  the option to get with your friend vs the option to date polyamorously - and be honest with yourself about the reality of your intentions and expectations.

Finally, I don’t really know what you mean by “very protective” and “gets jealous easily” - that could be within the spectrum of normal, healthy monogamy, or it could signal something problematic. If, when you bring up polyamory, he gets angry, upset, or jealous to a level that makes you feel afraid or threatened, run. If he uses your questions about polyamory to guilt you or accuse you of cheating, run. If you feel at all manipulated or controlled by his protectiveness or jealousy, run. 

I am a 21 year old Nonbinary person living in the poly friendly city of Seattle. I have been a practicing poly for a little over 2 years now, but have decided to get involved with a monogamous woman. Recently we where discussing jealousy. She is a VERY jealous person (upset I text Ex’s that I’m still friends with), and it bothers her that I’m not jealous of really anything. Sometimes I fake it just to make her happy. I’m curious if this is because of my personality or because of my polyamory?

First, stop faking your own feelings to make someone happy. That only ends poorly.

Second, it’s really sad that our culture has decided that jealousy is somehow a positive signal in a relationship. We see that narrative everywhere - this notion that if someone really cares about you, they’ll be possessive, they’ll care about who you talk to and hang out with, they’ll display jealousy somehow. This is, in my opinion, a very toxic image of relationships, but it’s one your partner holds. And I’m not sure if it’s possible to convince her otherwise - your job isn’t to adjust her perspective to what you think is healthier.

Your actual question is whether your lack of jealousy is part of your personality or your polyamory, which is something I absolutely cannot answer. You could be making a false dichotomy - if your polyamory is part of who you are, then it informs your personality, and your personality informs your polyamory. It’s just the way you are! And if you ask me, it’s a pretty alright way to be. Only you can decide whether being with this very jealous, monogamous woman is going to work for your non-jealous self in the long term.

How do I deal with Jealousy? I’m with a man who is married and I live with the couple, but any time he goes out somewhere especially overnight, I find it difficult to deal with. I also find it difficult to get into a relationship with someone else because I don’t want them to know that I have this relationship going on with this guy. Also, I’m scared this may end badly like all my other relationships. I’m a mess, can you help?

There’s a lot here to unpack. The first issue you listed is that you struggle with jealousy, especially when your partner leaves overnight. In my experience, the way to address jealousy is by forcing it to name itself. What are you specifically jealous of? Are you worried he’ll find someone else he prefers, and leave you? Are you worried he’s seeing someone who offers him something he doesn’t, and you feel threatened by that? Do you just feel lonely, bored, and abandoned on nights he isn’t with you? Figuring out where the jealousy is coming from can help you take steps to address it.

The second issue is that you want to keep this relationship a secret from other partners. That’s a bad idea. Any healthy relationship must be based on consent - and anyone you date must be able to consent to being part of this arrangement. Having partners that your other partners don’t know about is called cheating, not polyamory, and it’s unethical. Again, some introspection could help here. Why don’t you want other people to find out? Are you worried about judgment in your social circle? Do you fear that other people won’t want to be with you once they find out? Does the idea of trying to explain and introduce the situation to another person overwhelm you? Once you identify the specific issue, you can start working on it, and reaching out to others in the poly community to see how they’ve solved that problem.

And third, you mentioned that you’re afraid this might all end badly. Let me share a story with you. One time, I went to a restaurant with my friends and ordered calamari, which I love. Then, later that night, I got very very sick. It was scary and uncomfortable and all around sheer misery. I realize that ordering seafood at a restaurant is inherently risky. I am not in control of how safely it’s being prepared, and I can’t even see to check whether it’s safe. I can only know that I’ll have the fun experience of eating tasty calamari, and that later, it might cause me pain. Is that enough to scare me off eating calamari forever? No. We can’t know or control the future, but that shouldn’t prevent us from enjoying the present. Sure, some relationships end badly. But if you just spend the whole time worrying about a potentially bad future, you’ll never be able to take in the joys of the present.

Im a woman, and im bi, my boyfriend and I talked about polyamory for the past year, and finally became polyamorous about 4 months ago. We both have individual dating profiles up that are honest and open about being polyamorous and what each of us is individually looking for as well. Although I have women writing me, it seems to go nowhere at all, whereas my boyfriend has one woman he has great chemistry with and is planning on taking out soon. Im jealous, how should I cope?

I often say that monogamous people could learn a lot from the poly crowd, but it’s also true that poly folks could take some lessons from monogamy. It’s a pretty common refrain among single people that meeting partners is hard. Plenty of books, movies, songs, standup routines, and poems lament the immense gap between wanting to have a partner and having a partner. And that doesn’t change for poly folk, unfortunately.

Four months is not a lot of time when it comes to meeting someone you click with. If one of your single friends complained that they’d been in the dating pool for four whole months and had yet to meet someone, you’d probably advise them to stay positive, be patient, and recognize that compatible partners don’t come custom order with overnight shipping. Your boyfriend got lucky, but his timeline isn’t a standard or a benchmark.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of stigma around bisexuality - being an openly bi, polyamorous woman currently dating a man and looking for female partners could be handicapping you. Be gentle with yourself and try to remember that finding a partner is difficult for everyone. Consider increasing your odds of success by checking out local poly meetups, social events for gay and bi women, and adding other dating sites to your repertoire. 

As for the jealousy issue, know that another person’s success is not your failure. You two decided to open up your relationship, which is awesome, but that doesn’t come with a guarantee that you’ll both find partners at exactly the same time. You’re getting what you wanted - both of you have the freedom to pursue other partners - so try to enjoy the ride, be happy for your boyfriend when he finds something exciting, and remember that his ability to date other people now builds the foundation for you to start dating when you do find the right person.

I’ve asked a couple questions in the past and I really appreciate your advice. My next question mostly has to do with jealousy. I’m hitting a wall (like the great wall of china sized wall) when it comes to attempting to rationalize away my jealousy. I want my wife to be happy but I want to be happy too. It’s really the only thing left that I’m having a REALLY big problem with but I want the relationship to work! Any advice as to how I can master my jealousy?

The fact that you want to “master” your jealousy means that you’re already halfway there! Seeing it as something that can - and should - be dealt with already puts you on a direct path to healthy compersion. You’ll get there! Your wife sounds like a really lucky woman.

One thing I’d advise you to do now is to give yourself a break. Let yourself feel your feelings. It is okay to let yourself be a little shaky or insecure or jealous during this adjustment process. In fact, if you let yourself be jealous but don’t let yourself act on it (by getting upset with your wife or demanding change), you might see that the whole thing plays out just fine, and that your reasons for being jealous and the fears behind the jealousy never actually came true. Watching that happen will help you quiet the green-eyed monster the next time it comes around. Beating yourself up and getting frustrated every time you feel jealous only makes things harder on you - so take a deep breath and stop trying to “rationalize” the jealousy away for now. Let it be, and you’ll probably notice it fading as you and your wife adjust. Be gentle with yourself.

Another thing - communicate openly and honestly with your wife about this. See my advice in other columns about this here and here. You guys are embarking on this adventure together! We use the word “partner” to refer to people in relationships because that’s truly what it is: a partnership. Help her help you by being clear about your feelings and needs. But the conversation doesn’t need to immediately jump to “let’s fix these problems NOW.” It can just be you saying “hey, I’m feeling this way right now, and I just wanted to talk about it with you,” and her responding with some reassurance and hugs.

Here are some other resources on polyamory and jealousy at Practical Polyamory and More Than Two, but I would suggest waiting a bit before diving into them. It sounds like you’ve been trying to brute-force your way through jealousy, and you deserve a break. Leave this problem alone for a little while. Let yourself feel jealous - don’t stew, don’t pick fights, just acknowledge the emotion without feeling like you need to immediately master it. Don’t treat your brain like a whack-a-mole game, instantly smacking down every bit of jealousy that pops up. Let yourself be okay with the current state of affairs and let time do at least some of the work for you.

What do you suggest when one partner in a primary relationship is envious that the other partner gets more dates or interest from others?

That is tough! One problem that can really suck the life out of a polyamorous relationship is competitiveness - feeling like you’re competing with your partner, or their other partners - but it’s a difficult mental rut to climb out of.

One thing I would suggest to the partner who gets envious is being realistic about forces beyond your control that may be affecting this. For example, different professions provide different opportunities to meet potential partners. If one partner is a barista and the other is a kindergarten teacher, the math is easy - one partner spends most of their day interacting with children and the other spends most of their day meeting young professionals. Students in universities or colleges find that potential new partners (similar age, similar interests, no rules against dating each other) abound, while people who work in an office setting are in a climate far less conducive to that sort of social interaction. If you realize that you just aren’t putting yourself in the path of many new people who might be interested in you, take steps to change that! Join local groups of people who share your interests, start an online dating profile, go out to bars - whatever your scene is, be there!

If you feel like the problem isn’t entirely the circumstances, take a deep breath and remind yourself that everyone goes through “dry spells” like this. Sometimes we go a while without dating someone (or someone new) - it’s just a thing that happens. Almost no one I know ever has a steady stream of interest coming their way. I know it’s a cliche, but it tends to be true that people will approach you more when you seem less interested or less invested in meeting someone, so often worrying about this sort of thing can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Relax and don’t compare yourself to other people - even your partner - and be happy with what you’ve got, accept what comes your way (or politely decline it), and let go of what doesn’t. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s a mindset to work towards.

Another thing I would suggest is that you be honest with yourself about why, exactly, this bothers you. Like jealousy, this sort of feeling isn’t a pure emotion by itself - there’s a deeper stem. Are you feeling insecure, and this is just being exacerbated by the fact that you have someone very close to you with whom you can compare your dating successes? Are you feeling jealous or neglected because of the time your partner spends dating other people? Are you feeling threatened because you feel like you may be more emotionally dependent on your partner than they are on you? Are you feeling frightened that other people’s lack of interest in you may mean that your partner also finds you less attractive? These are all very different reasons to feel envious about the disparity in dating opportunities between you and your partner, and it would help you work things out to be able to better identify exactly what you’re feeling.

Then, once you’ve mapped out your feelings more clearly, talk to your partner about them! Don’t be accusatory, just let them know that you’re feeling a little down about this, and work together on ways that they can help you feel better about things.

I’ve sent a couple questions and just wanted to say thank you for your answers! They have really helped me. I’m still having issues dealing with all the physical stuff but I’m working on it. I guess my question would be, do you know of any solid ways to deal with the jealousy? I know communication is key (and we will be doing A LOT of communicating) but should I take up a hobby or something??

This is such a genuine and sweet question. I love it. I’ve already covered lots of more abstract ways to deal with jealousy - communication, introspection, etc. - but as for solid, concrete, actionable ways to deal with jealousy, I’d say taking up a hobby is a good one! It will start out as maybe just a distraction to keep you from feeling alone and keep your mind off the jealousy, but you might find that when you stay busy, your partner having other partners comes as almost a relief! When I was a student juggling dozens of responsibilities, I often had to forgo time with my partners in favor of meetings and work and so forth. I didn’t feel guilty about it and they didn’t pressure me to carve out more time for them than I could at the time, because they had other places to find companionship. I’m not saying that polyamory allows you to blow off your partner, or that cramming your schedule is the healthiest way to deal with feelings, but if you have things that you enjoy independently and ways to occupy your time that don’t revolve around your partner, that will help!

Another thing that I’ve found to help is to dig into your own polyamorous or poly-lite feelings. Even if you don’t identify as poly, recognize the moments in your life that help demonstrate the way your partner’s feelings for other people are not a threat to you. Check out the sexy barista at Starbucks. Go ahead, appreciate that. Then do a libido-check and see if you’re still as attracted to your partner as you were before you took a moment to enjoy coffee-cutie. Chances are, you will be! Think about an ex you had an amicable breakup with. Smile about their good qualities. Spend time with a beloved best friend and make note of how happy they make you, and how that deep care for another person isn’t crowding out your feelings for your partner. For a lot of people, that sort of emotional exercise can help serve as the “proof” they need that their partner’s polyamory isn’t something to feel threatened or jealous about.

Also, if you haven’t already, read essays, articles and blogs by and about people who are happily poly. If there’s a poly meetup in your area, check it out. It might help to see that you aren’t alone, that this arrangement works for other people, and to maybe reach out and make some friends who you can share this with. I know my poly life has been greatly enriched by having a very good friend who is also poly. Having someone to talk to about the unique issues that come with polyamory, like the ones you’re dealing with, can really help. A varsity-level version of the “make poly friends” method is to meet your partner’s partners. Becoming friends with them is a sure-fire way to knock jealousy’s lights out for good. “Be friends with your partner’s partners” might seem really intimidating, or even impossible, but I’ve never seen it not work!

You should also try practicing compersion - feeling happy for your partner because something, or someone, else is making them happy. I use “practice” with both meanings - adopt it as a way of thinking, and try it again and again until you get it. It doesn’t come naturally to everyone, but it can be learned. You want your partner to feel happy and fulfilled, so try to feel grateful to the other people in the world who help further that purpose. Remember that this is not a zero-sum game, and if someone else makes them happy, it doesn’t mean you make them less happy. It just means they’re happier overall!

I’m glad that I was able to help you & hope I can continue to be a resource and poly friend to you. Your partner is very lucky to have someone who’s so self-aware, honest and willing to work on all of this.