Hey, I was wondering if you had any resources about dealing with insecurity, jealousy, lack of self-esteem, comparing oneself to others and such? I’m not actually poly. It’s just that I guess the people who had or have those issues and were poly must have a lot of very interesting stuff to say about it.

Boy howdy, do we!

Poly-specific resources:

A good place to start is my mental health resources page - it includes recommendations for books and some online self-help resources specifically about self esteem!

Here is the More Than Two hub on jealousy and insecurity, which includes a free ebook and a great little article about becoming a more secure person.

The Polyamorous Misanthrope has a lot of good resources, so poke around that blog as well! Here’s one of their pieces on overcoming insecurities.

The Polyamory Society Self-Improvement Program includes a section on positive self-affirmation and another on fighting self-defeating or negative messages.

Patheos ran an article about self-love and polyamory, and Psychology Today has a piece on managing jealousy in polyamory.

General resources:

I cannot recommend enough the work of Brene Brown, specifically Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. 

Because we live in the future, there are tons of apps out there to help build self-esteem! Here’s a list of some, and here’s another one.

Also: therapy!!! Therapists are there for exactly this kind of issue! (You’d think I get kickbacks from the rich and powerful therapy mafia for how often I say this, but sadly that is not a real thing and I don’t make any money off this blog.)

I get really bad at compersion whenever my self esteem is low. What can I do to work towards changing that?

You know what the source of the issue is: your low self esteem. So work on changing that, not only for the sake of compersion and your partners, but because everyone deserves to have a healthy level of self esteem!

If you aren’t already, the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist about this! That’s what they’re there for - to help you be your best self and live a life that feels good. 

A book that really helped me with self esteem issues is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Different things work for different people. Poke around the “self help” section of your local bookstore and see what jumps out.

Try thinking about what makes your self esteem dip, and working on that. Self care, journaling, spiritual rituals, going outside, reaching out to friends and loved ones - whatever works for you to lift that self esteem in a healthy way!

Again, getting outside help is so great, if you can make it happen. Whatever’s making you feel down on yourself, get a professional to help you get things under control. Whether that’s a life coach, a nutritionist, a house cleaner, a financial planner, etc. If you are a religious person, talk to a clergy member at your church; if you are a student, talk to a counselor at your school. If you are employed, see if your employer or insurance offers certain self-help services. You don’t have to do this alone!