FAQ pages are coming!!!

Since I got back from hiatus, I had lots (and I mean lots) of messages in my inbox, which made me realize how many of the questions I get are nearly identical, if not very very similar. So I’m going to try and write ‘master posts’ that answer the most common questions I get here, so people can get the info they need without me having to post the same answer over and over. The questions I am developing pages for are:

• Is polyamory an identity or a choice?
  
• How can I learn more about polyamory?
• How do I know if I’m poly?
• [Describes orientation and/or situation] - does that count as polyamory?
• How do I tell my monogamous partner I want to be poly?
  
• How do I tell someone I like/want to date that I’m poly?
• My partner just told me they’re poly, how do I deal?
  
• How do we find a third to ‘bring into’ our relationship?
  
• How do I manage polyamory when I/my partner/my partner’s partner deals with a mental illness?
  
• How do I meet poly people/get into a poly relationship?

So be on the lookout for those!

And if you sent me a question but it hasn’t been answered, check to see if it falls into one of those categories. If so, I have definitely answered a very similar question earlier on this blog, so take a dip in the archives!

<3

Zinnia 

I’m newly poly and honestly I don’t know where to look like to find potential partners honestly. It’s like playing battleship, various wrong hits and such. Where on earth do I begin?

OKCupid is the dating site best suited for poly folks to be open about what they’re looking for. You can search/filter potential matches by their non-monogamous status as well.

If you have any in your area, go to poly meetups! Many are listed on Meetup.com, so check that out first. You can also try the polyamory subreddit to see if there’s anything going on in your area, or google “polyamory [your location]” and see what comes up.

For *reasons,* there’s also a lot of overlap between the kinky community and the polyamorous community, so if that’s something you’re interested in, check out Fetlife and local BDSM spaces/communities, which often host poly meetups as well. 

Good luck! In the meantime, while you’re looking for potential partners, keep learning and working on yourself. If you haven’t already, read More Than Two and The Ethical Slut, and be wary of predators who target people who are new to the poly community.

I get really bad at compersion whenever my self esteem is low. What can I do to work towards changing that?

You know what the source of the issue is: your low self esteem. So work on changing that, not only for the sake of compersion and your partners, but because everyone deserves to have a healthy level of self esteem!

If you aren’t already, the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist about this! That’s what they’re there for - to help you be your best self and live a life that feels good. 

A book that really helped me with self esteem issues is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Different things work for different people. Poke around the “self help” section of your local bookstore and see what jumps out.

Try thinking about what makes your self esteem dip, and working on that. Self care, journaling, spiritual rituals, going outside, reaching out to friends and loved ones - whatever works for you to lift that self esteem in a healthy way!

Again, getting outside help is so great, if you can make it happen. Whatever’s making you feel down on yourself, get a professional to help you get things under control. Whether that’s a life coach, a nutritionist, a house cleaner, a financial planner, etc. If you are a religious person, talk to a clergy member at your church; if you are a student, talk to a counselor at your school. If you are employed, see if your employer or insurance offers certain self-help services. You don’t have to do this alone!

How would you deal with it if you wanted to discuss polyamory with your partner but he is going through a busy/tough time in his life and doesn’t seem to have the time or energy to talk through big changes like that right now?

It sounds like you know what your partner needs - time. Is this busy/tough time looking like it will come to an end anytime soon? If so, it’s best to wait it out. Unless this feels like an emergency for you, like you feel like you can’t stay in this relationship much longer without opening it up, try to be patient.

Do your best to support your partner through this tough time - maybe do a little extra to help out with chores, check in with him about how you can be there for him in all this - and trust that your relationship will ride this out until he’s in a calmer place.

A note on posting frequency:

Hi all,

I took a bit of an unannounced hiatus over the past few weeks - I was camping with some of the youth I work with, and working out some complicated life issues regarding my career. During that time, I got a number of messages (with varying degrees of politeness) about my absence.

I am honored and overjoyed that this blog helps people and is meaningful enough for its absence to be noticed. I am so grateful to everyone who reaches out to me for advice and so humbled that all of you trust me enough with such personal and complex issues.

That said, this is not a paid gig for me, and I have a full time career, plus a couple of part-time gigs. I do my best to keep the queue stocked, and I feel awful about any lapses in posting.

Please know that if I don’t answer your question immediately, it’s not personal. I get a large number of questions daily, and am unable to answer every one as soon as I get it. Many people send me time-sensitive questions asking advice about impending situations, but I cannot promise that I’ll get to those in time.

Some people send me follow-up messages expressing shame, frustration, or abandonment when their questions aren’t answered. I feel awful that I can’t help everyone immediately, but please, don’t assume that an online columnist’s ability to respond to you quickly is a reflection of how worthy, interesting, or loved you are. I love and care about all of you, and I wish I could be present 100% of the time to be a guide and a listening ear, but I can’t.

If you are having an immediate mental health crisis, please call 911, your therapist, a trusted friend, or a hotline. 

If you have a rude or hurtful comment about my blog and whether it meets your preferences for updates, please go outside, take a breath, look at a plant, and direct your energies to something positive.

Poly Advice 100/500 Book & Blog Giveaway + Icon Contest!

Hi all! I managed to hit 500 followers and 100 posts at almost the exact same time, which I think calls for a celebration. So I’m hosting a 100/500 Book & Blog Giveaway!

-There will be 1 book giveaway winner and 5 blog giveaway winners.

-The book giveaway winner will win a copy of The Ethical Slut (or, if you already have it, More Than Two or Opening Up.)

-The 5 blog giveaway winners will win: my blog! That’s right, I’m giving away my blog - just temporarily. Winners will get to either write a guest column for Poly Advice or answer one of the asks currently in my queue.*

How to enter:

-Reblogs if you’re not following Poly Advice count as 1 entry. Reblogs if you are a follower count as 5 entries. Only one reblog per person, please.

The 100/500 giveaway ends on September 15. 

*Winners will not see usernames or any other identifying information for the asks they get to answer.

BONUS CONTEST: I think it’s time to get myself a new icon. If you make me a poly-advice-themed tumblr icon and submit it via polyamoryadvice [at] gmail [dot] com, I’ll throw in 15 extra entries for you. If I choose yours, I’ll send you a copy of The Ethical Slut. 

so ive been single for about 5 months now i like a girl and she likes me the only thing is im not sure if im ready to be in another long distance relationship even if i have known her for awhile what should i do?

Going for a long distance relationship can be daunting. It can also be hard to jump into a new relationship if you were just figuring out who you are in this new period of being single. There are a lot of variables influencing your decision - the long distance and the recency of your last breakup should be considered separately, I think.

Ultimately, it’s about you knowing your needs and how to best get them met. There are pros and cons to every choice, and I can’t make yours for you. The one thing I’d recommend is to commit to whatever choice you make, rather than keeping her (and yourself) on the line while waiting to see how things shake down. That doesn’t mean things can’t change later, but it means that whatever terms you set for your present relationship with this girl aren’t being clouded by hopes and expectations for a future that may or may not happen. 

It wasn’t until after I’d been in a relationship with my fiancee for a while that I realized I’m polyamorous. I’ve talked to her about it and she says she’s at least willing to consider the idea, but I don’t know what I should do if she decides she wants a monogamous relationship. It just feels like an unnatural state of things for me, but I don’t want to force her to change how she thinks… I’m just really torn and anxious. What do I do?

What you do is don’t smash those eggs before they hatch! If she says she’s willing to consider the idea, pursue that first. Be receptive, patient, and gentle, but stay optimistic. You two may be able to work something out! Don’t freak out over a projected worst-case scenario until you find yourself in that scenario - which, right now, you’re not. Try to stop your mental wheels from spinning around in that dusty rut and focus instead on your partner and where you two are right now. Wait to see whether your fears come true before you start worrying about how to face them.

Poly/mono incompatibility is a tough spot to be in, but it’s a reality for some people. One of life’s most frustrating truths is that sometimes people are sexually incompatible in ways that compromise and communication can’t resolve. A woman who is attracted to a gay man will need to accept that there’s no scenario in which she gets what she wants, for example. If you two absolutely can’t work out some terms on which you’re both happy and fulfilled - if she says she absolutely demands 100% monogamy, and you absolutely won’t accept those terms, the relationship is toast. Dan Savage calls it the “price of admission” - if monogamy really is the price of admission for a relationship with this person, you either need to be willing to pay that price, or accept that you won’t be admitted.

But don’t let your anxiety drive you into a conclusion that isn’t yet foregone. It is entirely possible that your fiance will find herself surprised by how comfortable she is with polyamory. Or, you two might work out a compromise where both of you feel happy and supported. Focus on that as your end goal before you start worrying about how to deal with a bad situation you aren’t actually in yet.