thank you everyone for your patience while i slept off a nasty bout of bronchitis. i usually try and keep the queue full enough that short absences go unnoticed, but i was sick for long enough that i ran out the queue, and just did not have the energy to replenish it!
anyway, i’m back now, and daily posts will resume! big thanks to everyone who sent lovely notes while i was sick. <3
I am very sick! Please be patient!
Hi friends,
I’ve gotten another handful of messages asking me for private replies or live chat. I cannot do that. You can read about my blog’s policy on that here. If you need someone to talk to, please check out my page on therapy options, including online therapy. You can always find my blog’s FAQ here as well.
Zinnia
Holy moly there are already really hateful things being said at/to/about my post on polyamory and queerness. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and had some more thoughts on this that I planned to add to my original post before the queue put it up, but my day at work got busy and I never got around to it. Maybe that would have helped clear things up; maybe it would have just given people more to yell at me about. It’ll just live in my iPhone notes because I am sad and exhausted and not interested in expanding on my points anymore.
A lot of people have taken the perspective that I, as a straight cis woman who dates men, don’t get to have any say on the matter. But I run a blog where the explicit point is people ask me for my thoughts on their questions, and I do my best to answer them. And someone asked me. So I shared my thoughts. I tried to be really clear that this is my understanding, my conception, my experience, and that I am not trying to argue that my perspective is the truth. Making someone feel afraid or threatened for sharing their personal thoughts and experiences about their own identity after they were asked is pretty gross.
I am getting lots of messages, reblogs, and replies that I will not respond to because I don’t want to engage in an argument, because as I see it, arguments are for when you think you’re right. I would die on the hill of “consent is never optional” and “cheating is not polyamory,” but whether polyamory counts as queer is not something I believe I should have the final say on, so I don’t believe my perspective needs to be defended. Also, a lot of people are making the same arguments I discussed in my original post: that I don’t risk being murdered for being poly, that being straight and cis means nothing about your identity or relationships can be considered queered, etc. My post basically said “here’s how I feel, many people disagree for these reasons,” and lots of people said “yep, I disagree for those reasons,” so that loop is closed as far as I’m concerned.
Some more thoughts under the cut. We’ll return to our regularly scheduled “Zinnia answers questions that she doesn’t feel will trigger alienating hate mail” programming tomorrow. And if you send or sent me a question about a potentially inflammatory topic and I never answer it, please know that it’s because I just didn’t have the emotional resources to put myself out there to answer your question. I apologize.
I got a comment that just brings up for me why the discourse around queerness can feel so impossible sometimes:
Someone called me out by saying “ALSO it is so incredibly shitty of you to bring up the nonbinary person’s assigned gender. Not necessary, at all.” And I just feel really frustrated by that. Because what I said was “A person at my college who was visibly nonbinary and - I genuinely don’t know how to say this in the way they would prefer, but I will try - dated people who mainly identified as the same gender that this person was assigned at birth.”
I never said what gender that person was assigned. I never misgendered them. But the fact that this person’s relationships would primarily be read as “same-sex” by random, uneducated onlookers was relevant to my discussion, so it did seem necessary. I was trying to explain that this person’s individual gender identity and sexual orientation are both some flavor of “queer.” I don’t know if this person would be okay with any term like “gay” or “lesbian” or “homosexual” etc. so I didn’t use a term. I really don’t know how else to say that! I honestly don’t want to create more hurt or alienation with my blog, and I try to write with full inclusion and respect, but I am racking my brain to try and come up with a way this could have been discussed in relation to my point without being “incredibly shitty.”
To all those on tumblr: please remember that we are all doing our best. Please give yourselves and each other a break. Please know that we are all trying to make it in a world dominated by sexist, oppressive, alienating forces. Some people have privileges you don’t. Some people suffer things that you don’t. We can use that to contribute to patterns of alienation or we can try and find healthier ways to live in community with people who are different from us. Our choice.
To all those who unfollowed me because they don’t like how I framed my answer: that’s totally okay. You have a right not to see opinions that bother you on your tumblr dashboard. The nasty messages letting me know that you were unfollowing were not necessary. If you wanted an argument, you will not get one with me. But the concept and definition of “queer” is a major point of discourse today so there are plenty of other places, in and out of academia, to make your stand.
To the person who sent me the original question: I understand that this is the kind of thing that feels confusing and frustrating for poly people, and it’s fine that you reached out to me for some more thoughts. Ultimately, your identity is your own path to make, and if a person or community makes you feel unwelcome or alienated, you aren’t obligated to agree with them or stick around.
Is there a way to ask non published questions? If so, how would you prefer that to be specified?
~
hey is it cool to message you?
I got both of these asks in the last few days, and unfortunately, the answer is no. I can’t give private advice or chat live with people. Any questions sent via tumblr’s chat option have the potential to be published and answered anonymously.
I discussed this here, and I also mention this in my FAQ. Even after I posted the FAQ, I still get a lot of questions that could be answered there, so before you send me a message, be sure to check the FAQ! It’s not there because I don’t like getting questions (I run an advice blog, after all) - it’s there to help you, so if your question has already been answered, you can get the resources you need without waiting for me to answer and post your question!
Since I got back from hiatus, I had lots (and I mean lots) of messages in my inbox, which made me realize how many of the questions I get are nearly identical, if not very very similar. So I’m going to try and write ‘master posts’ that answer the most common questions I get here, so people can get the info they need without me having to post the same answer over and over. The questions I am developing pages for are:
So be on the lookout for those!
And if you sent me a question but it hasn’t been answered, check to see if it falls into one of those categories. If so, I have definitely answered a very similar question earlier on this blog, so take a dip in the archives!
<3
Zinnia
Not actually a question, just wanted to say I’m newly poly and found your blog during your hiatus. It’s been immensely helpful, and I’m so glad you’re back! <3
I typed you a really long email and right before i went to hit send I realized that I was just looking for someone to validate my feelings. Thank you for opening your heart to so many people. You helped me by simply being there to listen if i needed.
Thanks so much for such an amazing, informative, nonjudgmental blog!!!
I am very glad to have found your blog. My wife and I opened up our marriage last year and i’m understanding it more and more. I love the advice you give. Keep up the great stuff. =D you are awesome
Sorry if this is annoying, but I just wanted to say thanks. I’m mono (so is my partner) but I decided to do research into polyamory because I found myself being somewhat judgemental without having any real knowledge. This blog has taught me how it works, and helped me accept my polyamorous friends whereas before I couldn’t understand it at all. It’s really opened my eyes, and I wanted to say thank you for this blog, and the amazing advice you give people.
Don’t need advice, just been reading the blog and wanted to say thank you for everything you do!
<3 you all are the best! I was super nervous about coming back from the unplanned hiatus - to the point that I really missed running the blog but would feel sick to my stomach at just the thought of logging in, so I avoided it for longer, and then of course felt worse, which just made for a very nasty cycle of shame and avoidance. I do deal with an anxiety disorder and I have been through some rough times in my personal life lately, so that shame spiral was pretty pronounced.
I expected to see so much anger and judgment, especially after trying to start the Patreon and then all of a sudden dropping off. I have seen lots of bloggers and other online thing-makers vilified for letting down their fans, and I felt like I pretty much deserved it. But it turned out Patreon refunded the few folks who backed me and didn’t see any activity (thanks for helping me not look like such an asshole, Patreon) and I haven’t gotten any hate or anything. At all.
I love this blog and I love my readers. While one of my eventual goals is to make a career out of being a poly thinker, writer, and activist, I have found myself in a much better financial situation and no longer need to try monetizing it. It’s also clear that I’m not in the right place in my life to be consistent and responsible enough to uphold my end of any monetization deal. So I’ll be taking down my Patreon for now. If you backed (only a few people did) and feel cheated or let down, please reach out to me and I will work something out!
Thank you so much to everyone for proving my anxiety to be a huge liar. The poly community is so forgiving and loving and healthy. I am so glad that because of this, the mistakes I made have not cost me the opportunity to run this blog, which brings me so much joy. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude <3
Dearest followers,
I frequently get requests that I answer asks or emails privately. Some people also request in-depth analysis of specific situations (like transcripts of conversations), or want to chat live. Other times, people ask me to remove their letter after I’ve published it with an answer.
Unfortunately, I can’t give private advice without compensation. I would absolutely love to, and that’s why I can’t allow myself to do it. Helping people and giving advice is something I find it fulfilling and enjoyable, so I often find myself doing it for free. But I could literally spend the majority of my day chatting with people from all over the world who want advice. Trust me, if I could, I would absolutely spend all day chatting with people to give them support and a listening ear. But spending hours exercising my skills with no compensation is a dangerous road to start down.
Emotional labor is something we don’t always value the way we value other skills. My artist and programmer friends don’t work for free, and professionals in this space charge for their time spent doing counseling work. I’m not licensed, but as a writer and a blogger I have to make sure I value my work.
When someone sends me a letter and I answer it on this blog, we both get something - they get their question answered for free, and I get content for my column. If I answer privately, I don’t have anything to show for my time and work. I cannot honor requests for private responses or live chats. All letters sent have the potential to be published and answered anonymously but publicly, and that will remain an option for as long as this blog continues.
I understand that some situations are sensitive and people don’t want them broadcasted online, even anonymously. Or that you need someone to actually talk back and forth with. In those cases, I cannot meet that need. Please check out my page on therapy resources to find someone you can talk to privately.
Thank you so much for your readership and your understanding.
Much love,
Zinnia