Some FAQ-answerable questions

Hello! I just need help finding the tag for where it explains what poly is. I know a little bit like enough to explain it but I’d like to have a link to go into more detail for those who want/need it. Please and thank you! (also I’m really sorry you have a lot of tags I can’t find the one I need in particular)

I use tags more for SEO and tumblr promotion and less for content finding. You’d be better served checking my FAQ page about general polyamory resources. You can also google “what is polyamory?” and find lots of resources that will meet your needs!

Sorry to bother you, but I sent an ask to your website nearly a month ago about being a polyam teen and it hasn’t been answered. Is this because you have a long queue or did you just not get my question?

Here’s my FAQ page about that.

I might be poly. I find myself reading and seeking out more poly fics than mono ones? how do i know if i'm, poly? What does being poly mean?

Here’s my FAQ page about this!


Help, your FAQ doesn't work on mobile!

I'm sorry if my ask went against your rules, I'm on mobile and cant see your faq

Hi, I'm on mobile so I can't see your FAQ... I still have a question though..

Can I have link to FAQ? I'm on mobile

Friends, I hear often that people on mobile can’t see the FAQ, but that’s not true. My “ask” button on mobile lists the FAQ url, which works in a mobile browser. It won’t work in the tumblr mobile app, but it will work in a mobile browser. Please stop telling me this - all you need to do is open your mobile browser and go to www.polyadvice.tumblr.com/faq per the ask page’s instructions.

You could also search my blog for “faq” and find plenty of links to it there. You can also find all my blog’s content on askpolyamory.com, including the FAQ and a question submission form, which is entirely mobile-friendly. (I pay out of pocket for that!)

I understand that it takes one extra step, but I spend hours per week on this entirely free blog; y’all can do .5% of the work for me. Sending me an extra message telling me that you “can’t” follow the question submission instructions when it is absolutely possible is getting old. I don’t know of any mobile devices that run the tumblr app and don’t run a mobile browser.

some FAQ-answerable questions

I would really like to learn more about polyamory, do you have any go to resources for me?

Yes.

How will I know if I'm poly if I've never been in a polyam relationship? How will I know if that will ultimately make me happy, to have multiple partners, or if I can be happy being mono?

You can’t tell the future. All you can be self-aware, introspective, informed, and willing to act on the best information you have at the time. More here.

can you just dm me?

No.

Hello I sent an ask in a month ago and I haven’t seen you answer the question on here, of course I understand that you probably don’t/maybe cannot answer every single question you get. Is there any topic of question that you don’t answer or cannot give advice on?

Here are the reasons a question may go unanswered.

sorry if this is a topic that comes up often but i have been recently questioning if i am poly or not and i dont really know alot about it but from the research ive done it seems kind of interesting and it seems like something i would want to try. do you have any tips or helpful resources

Yes.

We have been in an open relationship since we got together but now want to add another woman. We’re not sure how to go about this really, not that we’re really “hunting” as far as just talking about it at this point. It’s been an on and off topic for us for over a year and we are ready to commit to it. Any advice on how newbies should begin their search?

Here ya go!

Some short, FAQ-answerable questions

my significant other recently came out as Poly to me. I understand them but while looking up what it means to be poly I found the term Polygamy I was wondering what it means because all the dictionary and google searches for its meaning say pretty much the same thing that its a marriage between more than two people. While searching I found the term Polygamist and I was wondering are Polygamy and polygamist the same thing? I don't want to offend them and you’re good at explaining stuff like this.

Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing. Polyamory is a way of being in relationships that prioritizes consent, intentionality, and communication. Polygamy is the institution of plural marriage, typically associated with oppressive cults. You can read more about that here. The term you should be searching and reading about is “polyamory” - that should lead you into corners of the internet where you won’t be getting confused. Start with the resources here.

How can I find people who would actually like to be in a poly relationship?

Check my FAQ page on this here!

Hi! I was wondering if we could talk pm!

I’m sorry, but no. You can read about my policy here.

I've sent in several questions over the past year and not seen them answered. Is this a case of Tumblr eating them, or are you just really busy? How long is your queue? I love what you do and don't mean to complain. I'm just wondering.

I answer this here!

I think I might be poly but I'm not sure. As of right now I am happy in a mono relationship, but I do not think I would be opposed to being in a poly relationship. I have had crushes on more then one person at a time and even have one now while in a mono relationship I am happy in. What is your take on this, and do you have any advice on how I could figure this out?

Here’s my FAQ page on this!

some quick questions

Hey, what is the difference between polyamorous and polysexual? I saw two flags and I am a bit confused.

Polysexual is a sexual orientation and it has to do with who you're sexually attracted to. Polyamory is a relationship orientation and it has to do with how you date. Polysexual means being attracted to multiple genders. Polyamory means having multiple relationships.

Do you answer asks for advice?

Yes. That is the point of this blog. You can send them here.

How do i begin my adventures of polyamory?

Check out my FAQ here.

Is it okay to want to be in a closed triad with a man and a woman?

Yes, that is a perfectly fine thing to want! It may be hard to find, but it's perfectly okay for that to be your best-case-scenario!

Can I still consider myself polyamorous if my partner and I are not currently looking for someone to add to the relationship, but consider it an option for ourselves in the future?

Sure, just like someone who is gay but choosing to stay single for a while is still gay. But reconsider the "add someone to the relationship" framing. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

Why didn't you answer my question?

Can you add a "why didn't you answer my question" section to the FAQ?

Okay! Here are the main reasons that questions don't get answered:

1.) I just get too many questions to answer them all.

I post on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday - that's five posts a week. I get an average of 6-10 messages per day. Mathematically, it is impossible for me to answer every question I get. So I screen for the most interesting, concise, and easy-to-understand ones. This is the main reason, BY FAR, that your question didn't get answered. It's not because you did something wrong, it's just because I have to pick and choose what to answer. 

2.) I have answered it, but it's in the queue/it's time-sensitive in a way that would make it useless to queue.

As I write this, it's July 1. It will be queued to post on August 3. I do take this blog pretty seriously and try to keep the queue full to avoid lapses in posting. If your question is an emergency or time-sensitive, this is not the place to get what you need. If it seems like the letter writer won't be helped by the time it posts (like if the question is about what to say on a date happening the night of the letter's writing), I typically won't answer it. 

3.) It's repetitive.

I get a lot of similar questions. Some are answerable with the FAQ, and others are just similar to ones I've already answered. I prioritize questions that differ from any that I've answered recently. I always encourage folks with questions to read through the archives or use the search feature. Sometimes I get a cluster of questions on the same topic since people are responding to a recent post, and those are very unlikely to get answered unless they have a specific and un-trodden question.

4.) It's too long.

I often have to condense questions to keep them short and simple enough to answer. But sometimes that's too difficult, or the question includes way too many details and narrative. More concise letters with clear, specific questions are more likely to get answers.

5.) It was too difficult to understand.

I do edit messages for spelling and occasionally for grammar, though I try to preserve the style and voice of the original writer. But sometimes they are just too hard to parse or would take tons of work on my part to edit into something easy to answer.

6.) You asked to be answered privately or over chat.

I do not do private or live answers - you can read about my policy here. 

7.) It's not a question.

If it's just a description of a situation, or a "vent," or an attempt to tell me something without a question, it's probably not going to get a response. If you're just pre-asking permission to ask a question, like "do you give advice?" or "can I ask you a question about XYZ?" I am not going to answer it.

This goes double for people: trying to say something to a letter-writer through my platform, being hateful about polyamory, being rude or nasty about a letter-writer or person discussed in a letter, trying to revise my advice, or trying to use my platform to sell or promote something.

A few short questions

Is it fine if I use a link to your FAQ as a reference for some people who are asking about polyamory?

Of course! Please always feel free to link my blog and any of my resources. 

My husband and I are trying to start a triad but we don't really know many people in our area, how would you suggest meeting local polyamorous people?

Check out my FAQ on this!

I feel like I may be polyamorous, but I don't think I know what it exactly means and how I could be it?

Here is my FAQ page on this!

Some FAQ-answerable questions

This girl that I've been friends with for years asked me to do a threesome with her and her boyfriend, who I've come to like as well (not sure how much I feel for him yet). I went through with it and it went really well. I hear polyamorous relationships are like equal love triangles where each two love each other. I kinda want to bring up the topic with them. But I'm afraid that I'm just lusting after her boyfriend since I don't know him as well. Can polyamory be one girl just having 2 loves?

Yes, that is called V-shaped polyamory. In this case, the girl you're talking about would be the center point, or "hinge," of the V, and you and her boyfriend would be the other points. You're both romantically connected to her, but not to each other. There are lots of ways to be polyamorous and practice polyamory - check out my resources here.

So, how does polyamory work? I know it’s a relation with more than two people, but after that I don’t quite understand. Do the three or more people all love each other romantically (and possibly love each other equally) or is it where one or the other first two people each date separate people (those separate people don’t live the other of the first two)? Or, could it be both ways?

Both arrangements that you're describing fall under the umbrella of polyamory. To learn more about the first style that you described, try searching for the terms "closed," "triad," or "polyfidelity" in the context of polyamory. For the second, try searching for the terms "hinge," "V-shaped polyamory," or "polycule" in the context of polyamory. Check out my resources here.

some FAQ answerable questions

Hi I’m 16 and not sure if I’m poly or not. I always thought I wasn’t until literally tonight when I considered it and realized that maybe I would like a poly relationship. How do I know? And how do I experiment without hurting any feelings?

Here is my FAQ page about this! The short answer is that there is no official test or scan for you to "know" - you just gotta be introspective, honest, and patient! It's impossible to guarantee that you won't hurt someone's feelings, but when experimenting, the best rule of thumb is to be really clear and up-front about what you're looking for and what you're able to provide. And do your homework - read up on healthy, ethical polyamory and non-monogamy as well as other self-work around jealousy, insecurity, communication, etc. You have lots of time to figure this out, so relax!

I've been having some questions and concerns about being in an open relationship with my partner and I don't really know who to talk to this. My friends aren't as open or understanding and I want to think this through logically rather than have my emotions take over. Thank you and message me if it's ok for me to ask some things.

I'm sorry, but no - I cannot do live or private messaging. You can read about my policy here. You are always welcome to check out my resources listed here, search the archives of my blog, or send in a question to be answered publicly but anonymously.

I want two girlfriends.

I am seeking 2 gf for a poly relationship. Where are good places to look for that. New obviously lol

First: my FAQ page about this. (Friends! Check the FAQ and use the blog's search function before writing me!) And I answered a very similar question here.

Second: to be fair, I only have two and a half sentences from you, but I'm pretty sure you're going about this the wrong way. It sounds like you want "a polyamorous arrangement with two women" - that the polyamorous nature of the relationship, and the fact that there are two girlfriends involved, is the object of your desire. That's not a relationship, it's a sexual fantasy. Which is fine to have, just don't mistake it for a relationship.

Polyamorous relationships involve real people. You don't go out looking for "a relationship." You go out looking for a person you want to be in a relationship with. You may identify as polyamorous, which means you're open to dating more than one person. But that's all there is to it - meeting people and dating them, not the idea of them, not what they represent, not the relationship as a fetishized entity unto itself.

A handful of FAQ-answerable questions

My boyfriend and I are looking for someone into polyamory to add to our relationship.. But were having trouble finding anyone. Is there a secret to finding other poly people?? Please help :'(

You don't "add people to your relationship," that's not how it works - your trouble probably stems from the problematic framing there. Second, it takes a while to find people to date - be patient. Check my FAQ page for more on this.

Are we allowed to have convos with you about poly relationships? i'm super inexperienced and would like to have someone one on one to talk to.

Sadly, no - at this time I cannot do private or live conversations. You can read more about this policy and find more resources here. 

I've never had a polyam relationship, but I'm wondering if I'm polyam. I know you can't really tell 'til you try, so how exactly do you even start a polyamorous relationship??

Here's my FAQ page on how to tell you're polyamorous (note that most people don't assume that you have to try monogamy to know whether you're monogamous) and my FAQ page on finding polyamorous people to date!

Hey, so I’m poly, and I really want to have a poly relationship, but my partner is not comfortable with it. (Well she says she is and then flip flops and we get into huge arguments about it and she accuses me of just wanting to whore around.) I was “closeted” for months because I didn’t want to upset my partner by asking about it but now it’s out in the open and I feel like she doesn’t trust me– and she doesn’t want a poly relationship. What should I do? She doesn’t respect that I’m poly…

You have three basic options:

1.) Stay in this relationship with the understanding that monogamy is a requirement in this relationship, and be willing to make that sacrifice or compromise to stay with your partner. Many relationships do include such sacrifices or compromises, with one partner setting aside a desire that is incompatible with the relationship. 

2.) Leave the relationship, because the required terms of the relationship - monogamy - are not a sacrifice or compromise you can make. Many relationships end when one partner realizes that they simply cannot make the sacrifice or compromise the other one needs, whether that’s a move to a new city, having or not having children, etc.

3.) Continue to stay in the relationship and continue attempting to convince your partner to be open to a polyamorous relationship. I don’t recommend this, nor do I believe it will be effective or enjoyable, but it is a choice that you have. If someone has made it clear that they are not comfortable with something, there is not much you can do to change their mind, but if you are okay tolerating the conflict that this continued conversation creates, you can keep pushing for it. Your partner’s response to this may be to shut down, to escalate the conflict, or to leave the relationship.

You can read my FAQ about this here.

i had my first experience in a triad, and i loved it. but things didnt work out. its been a while since its been over. I want to get back out there in the poly world but dont know how or where to look. the situation i was in before was with friends turned more. i need help

Here is my FAQ page about this! 

hi, i want to talk to you something about problems , can we chat via chat box? because i have long message to tell you :/ thanks!

Here is my FAQ page on that.

I am struggling find other poly people out there.. is there anyway I can some people who are poly? I am gay, open to a V poly or A homosexual triad.

Here is my FAQ page about that!

Am I Poly or just an ally? I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’m Bisexual and Demiromantic but I don’t feel like I have to limit myself to one person. Is it really possible for me to know if I am without ever being in a relationship and all it entails?

Here’s my FAQ page about that!

FAQ: Poly representation in fiction & nonfiction media

I get a lot of questions asking about where to read or watch stories about polyamorous relationships, and I always end up having to crowdsource because these days my reading is 90% nonfiction for my work. Here’s a centralized list of recommendations and resources I’ve been able to find.

PLEASE NOTE that I cannot personally endorse or vouch for any of the media linked or listed here. Some may be negative or unhealthy representations of polyamory; some may be triggering; some may just be bad. Know your triggers and your limits and feel free to quit watching or reading something if you’re not enjoying it. Many of the works listed here may contain explicit sexual content.

Books/Fiction

Movies/TV

Fanfiction

Goodreads lists

IMDB lists

Reddit threads

Hi friends,

I’ve gotten another handful of messages asking me for private replies or live chat. I cannot do that. You can read about my blog’s policy on that here. If you need someone to talk to, please check out my page on therapy options, including online therapy. You can always find my blog’s FAQ here as well. 

Zinnia

Resources to identify, cope with, or leave a bad relationship

Most of the resources here use the term “abuse,” but if that word feels too big, too scary, too clinical, or otherwise not right for what you’re experiencing, that is okay.

Not all bad relationships are abusive. You don’t need to convince anyone that you’re being mistreated to a specific degree. You may just be struggling with a relationship that’s run its course, that doesn’t feel good, that isn’t healthy, or just isn’t right for you. That’s okay! If you don’t want to be in a relationship, you can leave it. That’s it!

Not all relationships have to be forever. You are not obligated to stay with someone indefinitely just because you were with them for a while beforehand. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean everything that came before was “meaningless.” You can have a lot of good times, and then come to a point where it’s best for you two to stop seeing each other.

“The reason we got together” and “the reason we broke up” can co-exist simultaneously. Part of dating is learning what you do and don’t need in a relationship. Some of that learning process means relationships will end. That’s okay.

Not all struggle equals growing. Some relationships hit “rough patches” and the partners work through them and come out stronger. But don’t let the narrative of “love takes work” and “relationships need compromise” convince you that you have to pour endless emotional labor into something. Leaving something that isn’t working takes its own courage and effort. It’s not “giving up,” it’s just learning and growing and making new choices.

If you need help figuring out whether to leave a relationship, consider:

  • Reading through the “identifying abuse” section of this post
  • Talking to people you trust about whether they think the relationship is good for you
  • Thinking about your reasons to stay vs. your reasons to leave, and whether any of those are based on fear, insecurity, or other warped thinking
  • Talking to a mental health professional
  • Asking yourself whether your partner seems committed to improving or resolving the issues in your relationship
  • Noting how often you feel happy, content, loved, afraid, guilty, angry, exhausted, etc. and whether the relationship makes you feel good overall

Abuse

If you know, or fear, that you are in an abusive relationship, the rest of this page is for you. I am not a professional or an expert in this field, so I will just state a few core truths and link as many resources as I can.

It is not your fault. Nothing you do can ever justify or deserve abuse. 

It is not your responsibility. If someone is acting in a way that hurts you, that is their problem. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it. It doesn’t matter whether they have their own pain, life situation, or diagnosis. You don’t owe them anything.

If it feels bad, it’s bad. You don’t need to prove to anyone that a relationship is worth leaving. There isn’t a “threshold of abuse” that needs to be crossed before it’s okay to leave. If you’re unhappy, leave. 

It doesn’t have to feel like this. Relationships should, at the core, make you feel happy, able to grow, free to be yourself. Yes, relationships take work and compromise - but if you feel angry, afraid, exhausted, or guilty in your relationship, you deserve better, and you can find better.

It is not selfish to leave. If you are unhappy or afraid in a relationship, you can leave it. Even if your partner believes that you owe them your emotional labor, or insists that they need you, you don’t have to stay. 

You deserve help. There may be people who refuse to help you, or who can’t help you. Sometimes friends, family members, police, etc. let us down. Your partner may isolate you from people who can help. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. Reach out to any sources of help. Cut off people who aren’t helpful. Fight for your own safety. Call a hotline, see a therapist, tell your manager - you may have to get creative. But you’re worth it.

Healing is possible. Abuse can impact your mood, self-esteem, future relationships, and other aspects of your life. If you need help identifying abuse and working up to leaving, or if you’ve already left and want help moving through the trauma of abuse, please work with a mental health professional.

Many of the resources linked here focus on adult, heterosexual women - though if you click through, many of the links also include resources for men, children, LGBTQ people, etc.

Identifying relationship abuse:

General abuse resources:

Abuse resources on tumblr:

Safety planning:

Internet safety and stalking:

Other sources to find help:

I’ve only just realized that I’m polyamorous and I’m looking around and people keep mentioning “paramour” and “metamour” and then also calling a different person just their partner, what do the first two terms mean? are there more terms?

My terminology tag

List of polyamory glossaries

My FAQ page with polyamory resources

I think that maybe possibly I might be polyamorous? Monogamy has always been a struggle for me, I always find my eyes wandering and I have to force myself back. And I think I might be poly but I don’t wanna say anything until I’m sure and I know very little about the poly community and I just…HELP lol

My FAQ page where you can learn more about polyamory

My FAQ page about figuring out whether you’re polyamorous

Do you know if polyamory applies to queerplatonic relationships? I have multiple queerplatonic partners and am trying to find a romantic one. Does this count as polyamory?

I have an FAQ page about this!

I’ve never been in a poly relationship but I’ve been thinking. There’s a girl I like, and I also like her boyfriend. I can imagine being with them, makes me happy to think about and the girl suggested we get together. How do I know poly is for me?

I also have an FAQ for this!

I recently discovered I’m polyam and I live in the south (a very slightly more liberal area, but still pretty conservative.) How do I find other poly people? 

And I have an FAQ page about this!

I’m dating this person whom I love very much but at the same time I love this other person I also love the same amount. I don’t thing person #1 is open to a poly relationship. How do I approach this?

Here’s my FAQ about this!