I can't stand my metamour - how can I change our damaged relationship?

1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I've been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there's so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can't stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it's up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don't know how to forgive them. What can I do?

I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.

If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.

If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.

I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.

My partner needs to move his schedule around, which makes it nearly impossible for me to see him

I've been a part of a poly relationship for about a year now, we are all busy people and so we made a rough schedule for spending time together. Torvald and I always hang out on Wednesdays as it's the only day that consistently works for both of us. He works late Monday, plays games with his friends and primary (we'll call her Jespor) on Tuesday. I spend time with my primary (unrelated to Torvald or Jespor) on Thursday, and Sunday. He spends Thursday and Friday with Jespor. And we all three spend time together Saturday. But today he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out on Wednesdays anymore because he wants to watch a TV show the night it airs for the foreseeable future (with Jespor). I feel very hurt by this. I understand I'm not as important as she is and I probably don't have any right to be upset, but I feel like I'm being shoved aside for something that could easily be done the next day. He said I might be able to come over for a little bit after the show gets over, but that would be fairly late and I work early and it makes me feel like a booty call. I don't know how to communicate this to him without coming across as controlling or needy. Plus I feel like making a big deal out of this will make spending time with me feel like a chore. These are my best friends and I don't want things to turn out badly.

This is likely a case of the “message sent” being different from the “message received.” The only thing he told you is that he can’t hold Wednesday nights as your hang out time any longer, but you received a lot of messages about your importance to him and how much he values your time together.

Which is understandable - I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel hurt! Just that it’s important to engage with the things he’s actually saying and doing.

There are plenty of ways to bring this up with Torvald without being “controlling” or “needy.” Let him know that you really value your one-on-one time with him, and since it’s not going to work out on Wednesdays anymore, see if he can work with you to come up with a solution. It’s really great to have standing weekly dates with important people, but life changes and schedules do shift. Is it possible for you to hang out with him on Thursdays and shift date nights with your primary to Wednesdays? Or, since he’s adding another day with Jespor, could Fridays become your night?

It’s OK to ask other people in your life, including your other partners, to make adjustments. Adult life and real world relationships often require this sort of flexibility. Holding a night of the week for someone’s schedule is not a lifelong commitment and everyone involved is entitled to make changes. Someday someone else will really want to take a class that only meets on Tuesday evenings, or get a promotion that requires them to work late on Thursdays. Managing this with grace and without taking things personally will be important.

It’s also completely fine to talk to Torvald about how this makes you feel less important and pushed aside - without accusing him of actually devaluing you or pushing you aside - and let him know what would help you feel more secure and cherished in the relationship. If you can’t spend quality time together in the evenings, what kind of connection is important to maintain? Is there a way to make hanging out later in the evenings not feel like a “booty call?”

You say that you’re afraid that bringing this up will make you “seem” a certain way or that it will “make” Torvald feel a certain way. Remember that you are not psychic! If Torvald is someone who is dating you, it’s likely that he enjoys spending time with you, he doesn’t resent you for desiring his attention and affection, and that he wants you to be honest with him about your desires and feelings. If he acts in a way that demonstrates anything else, don’t date this person. Partners should always welcome this kind of honesty, and anyone who punishes you for it is not someone you ought to be dating.

You’re also well within your rights to ask him if he would be willing to wait 24 hours and watch the show with her on Thursdays. Again, he might not realize how important this is for you, or he might not have communicated something important about the fandom experience he wants to have. But none of that can happen without a conversation! Don’t frame it as a “confrontation” or a “demand,” just an open dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Let him respond in his own way - either by collaborating with you to find a compromise that works for everyone, or by demonstrating that he’s not willing to do that and thus not someone worth dating.

My metamour chose a name that is very similar to mine

I have just learned that my metamour (who is gender queer and uses they/them pronouns) is switching to a chosen name rather than their given name. The name they have chosen is extremely similar to my name (the same four letters, just two letters are swapped places). It makes me kind of uncomfortable that our names are going to be so similar now and I think our shared partner feels a bit odd about it too. I really want to support their exploration of their gender identity and I know that a name one feels comfortable with is important, but it just makes me feel uneasy. Even as I write this it feels a bit petty, but I think it is compounded by the fact that we haven't had the best relationship for about a year and they have felt a lot of jealousy/insecurity about my relationship with our shared partner.

That definitely sounds like a weird situation, but my advice to you is to just try and let it go.

When people choose their name, especially as part of a transition or gender exploration, there’s usually a lot of soul searching and personal significance that goes into it. It’s highly unlikely that they chose that name as an attempt to bother you or influence your relationship with your shared partner. It very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, and is just a coincidence.

In that case, if you Make A Deal Out Of This, then you’ll look petty and insecure, and it’ll be a bad look. There are only so many names out there in the world, and sometimes we have to share. (I had five - FIVE! - girls named Ashley in my first grade class.)

And if they did choose it in some part because of you, that’s their problem. I can’t imagine that such a choice would come from a healthy place, whether it’s jealousy or idolization or something, and I just feel bad for someone who is so emotionally stuck in issues around their metamour that they would choose a new name for themselves based on that. But even in that case, that’s really about them, and it doesn’t really affect you.

If that is the case, then if you Make A Deal Out Of This, you’ll only be giving them what they want. If this person is acting out of some weird power play or insecurity, other people will be able to see that pretty clearly, and you’ll only look extra gracious if you rise above it.

No matter what, the best thing you can do is just privately agree with your partner that it is a little odd, and then move on. I know plenty of polyamorous people who have partners with the same or similar names, and it’s actually very manageable. If someone else makes a comment about it, give it a shrug and a smile, and say that you appreciate their good taste in names as well as partners.

I like a guy, but he's in a polyamorous relationship and I don't want that

Me and this guy like each other but he is also in a poly relationship. I want to date him but i don't want to have to "share" him if that makes sense. We really like each other though. How do I tell him I don't want to date him if he is also dating other people?

You can just tell him that: “I really like you, and I would like to date you monogamously, but I don’t want to date you if you are also dating other people.”

Then, he can do what he likes with that information. He may say “then we aren’t compatible - bummer!” or he may say “then I’ll leave my relationship for you!” Either way, you’ll have your answer.

People say this to me all the time - it’s a pretty common situation. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to leave his polyamorous relationship for you, and that’s his decision to make. It’ll sting, but you’ll live - nearly everyone has been through the pain of liking someone who can’t or won’t date them for any number of reasons.

Best of luck finding someone who wants a monogamous relationship with you, whether it’s this guy or someone else!

How do I help my wife pick someone up?

How do I be a wingman for my wife she wants a girl friend for her birthday party so we can have some fun at night

As a general rule, women are people, not party favors you can rent like balloons for a special event. Treating people like that is not typically a good way to get them to have sex with you.

However, if you live somewhere where you can safely and ethically find a sex worker who can fulfill your fantasies for a fair rate, that’s probably your best bet for a birthday treat.

You can also try online postings in places where people explicitly post looking for sexual encounters. You can also try visiting a bar or club in your area known to be a place where people go to connect for casual sex. Whatever you do, don’t be predatory or pushy and be open and honest about what you’re looking for.

See my FAQ page on this for more advice.

p.s. folks wishing to critique me for supporting sex work can reach me at ThanksForYourOpinion@SexWorkIsWork.bye

I broke up with someone because we weren't compatible. He's promising to change, but sending me mixed messages.

I'm mainly mono, and my partner is poly, and we recently started talking again after he promised to be better (I broke-up with him about 6-7 months ago). He told me he's ready to compromise and think of me as his primary partner and that thought reassured me that I wouldn't feel dismissed and lonely the way I did in the past in our relationship. Cut to a couple days ago, we're talking about growing pains and the grieving process of letting go and he told me that he really wanted to practice anarcho-polyamory but that it was not something he seems to be able to do in real life. He has this ideal vision of polyamory where none of his partners would feel a certain way about not being the "main relationship" and where nothing would hold him back or limit his interactions with anybody. I find it worrisome because 1) it kind of sounds like the idea of people having boundaries is what's turning him off, and that makes me feel unsafe 2) it contradicts what he told me, and I'm scared that if we get back together and he follows through with his promise of being my life partner, he will resent me for the rest of the relationship. I have yet to talk to him about it, but I wanted to know if I'm being overzealous for nothing, or if this is something I should be concerned about.

Do not date this dude!

Let me break this down:

He told you that he is “ready to compromise” - that is not a good way to enter into a relationship! Do not date someone who thinks of you, or the relationship, as a “compromise.”

You are trying to interpret his promises to mean that you will not feel a certain way ever again, which is not possible or reasonable to promise or expect.

He “promised to be better,” but almost instantly started saying things that indicate that he is not able or willing to break the patterns that initially caused the problems.

You feel “scared” that if you get back together, he will “resent” you. That’s a pretty major red flag.

His ideal relationship involves his partners never “feeling a certain way,” which is not realistic or reasonable.

He has clearly told you that his hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship do not align with your hopes, dreams, and goals for a relationship.

His stated desires and expectations regarding relationships make you feel “unsafe” and worry that he doesn’t ever want to have to respect his partner’s boundaries.

All of this is definitely something to be concerned about! Don’t date this dude!!!

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I worry that my partners don't actually like me, but won't tell me the truth

I feel like one of my partners (F) hates me or otherwise is uncomfy with me, as she usually wants to do things with the other (M) more than me, they dm all the time (I don't dm either because I want to be initiated first), he buys her stuff, and in general whenever I want to try to do something with her it feels like she's uncomfortable. I don't know how to proceed because obviously neither of them would tell the truth if I was making them uncomfy, to not be rude I suppose.

You should not be dating someone if you don’t trust them to be honest with you. Full stop. To have the role of “partner” in your life, a person MUST be someone who is safe to share your feelings and needs with.

Refusing to DM someone because you want them to initiate conversation is insecure behavior. I used to be like this - I worried that I was “bothering” people if I messaged them first. But living life this way made me miserable. If I wanted someone’s attention, I would just wallow in insecurity and loneliness while waiting for them to message me. I put all this psychological and emotional significance on their messages, and it just was a whole lot of unnecessary angst and pressure. 

It’s not worth it, living like that. If someone is worth bringing into your life, they ought to be someone who it feels safe and easy to DM. Right now, it sounds like you do not trust these people to be honest with you and say “hey, I can’t actually talk right now.” You distrust their expressed affection and attention so much that you’ve established this secret test, telling yourself it only “counts” if they initiate it. You have to let that go. You have to be willing and able to demand that your relationships are safe and honest. 

I harp on this small detail in your letter because it’s really a big neon arrow pointing to the major issue here. You say “obviously neither of them would tell the truth” - that’s NOT a healthy foundation for a relationship. This core assumption needs to be addressed. 

There are two possibilities here. One is that you are simply assuming that these people won’t be honest with you, and so you’re robbing them of an opportunity to be honest with you. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what makes you say this? What evidence have you observed that makes it “obvious” that they won’t tell the truth? Do these people have a history of being dishonest with you, of refusing to answer questions honestly, or of saying one thing while acting in a different way?

If you don’t actually have any clear evidence to base this off, it might be your own fear getting in the way. Give them a chance to be honest! Bring up your fears and concerns, and see what they have to say! Things like:

“I worry sometimes about being the one to initiate a DM conversation. I feel like I’m bugging you and I can’t trust that your attention is genuine unless you initiate. Here are some things you can do to help me feel more safe and confident in reaching out to chat during the day. Are there things I can do better to respect your time or make DMing easier and more frequent?”

“Based on [things you’ve observed], I’ve started to worry that my company is not actually enjoyable for you, and I feel like you might not like me. I know we’re dating, and it’s confusing to think that someone who is dating me doesn’t like me - but here are some of my anxieties. Can we talk about this? How have you been feeling about dating me? Do you need anything from me?”

If the idea of having these frank, open conversations fills you with dread or fear, that’s a huge red flag that your relationship isn’t healthy. If these people have previously demonstrated to you that they can’t or won’t have these kinds of conversations honestly, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. 

If your anxieties are coming from “inside the house,” so to speak, then you ought to give them a chance to demonstrate to you whether they are actually safe and honest. They may be shocked and horrified to find out that you’ve been feeling this way and worrying about this - if you haven’t said anything, how could they know? If, after you share this information, they argue, ignore, or shame you - or if they reassure you and promise that everything is OK but then don’t actually make any changes - then that’s a sign that this is not a good relationship for you.

I'm dating someone who puts his wife ahead of me - what do I do?

I was hoping for some advice about a situation. I'm married and poly. I have a partner of about 8 months now. He's in a DADT relationship. He prefers not to meet on weekends as that's his time with his wife - which leaves us Tuesdays (I work 4 -10 he shifts). He unfortunately had some health things to work through so we've gone extended periods without seeing one another. The times we have seen one another it's usually within a 3 hour window.

A lot of our plans fall through because of health or because his wife needs him. We have talked about boundaries and I know he is capable of loving another person, and when we don't see each other we talk all day long every day. First good morning and last goodnight. I fell in love with him.

I'm worried that I'm allowing myself to stay in a place that won't be good for me. Sporadic visits, I often have to ask for reassurance for feelings. I know he cares about me, but it hurts when he cancels and it hurts to know that if this specific time frame doesn't work we won't see each other.

This morning we had plans fall through and I feel hurt and tearful. And while he verbalized that he misses me and wishes he could be here to console me - he also reminded me that when his wife isn’t feeling her best that's his priority.

I am not asking for him to every put me first. I'm asking to feel important. I'm asking to matter. I'm asking to exist outside of a window of time that is often lost/missed etc. I love him. He has become such an important part of my life but also a very painful part. Im not sure what I'm asking but I'm lost.

This guy has given you very clear information about what he can and what he cannot provide for you in a relationship. He is holding his boundaries and explicitly defining what sort of relationship he is able and willing to be in.

You now have plenty of information with which to make an informed choice. Are you okay being in a relationship under those terms? If yes, then you need to commit to accepting those boundaries and find a way to make it work. If no, then you need to leave the relationship. Continuing to ask him to do things that he has told you that he cannot or will not do is not going to be a good use of your time.

I also want to make a note about some of your wording here: you say that you are “asking to feel important” and that you are “asking to matter.” Those aren’t really things you can ask of your partner. He can’t make you feel, or be, any sort of way.

You can identify “here are things you can do that would make me feel important,” and it sounds like you have done that, and he’s said that he can’t do those things, so you have some pretty clear information.

You matter, and you are important, inherently, as a human being - another person’s behavior can’t change that. And it’s entirely possible that you matter very much and are very important to this guy - but that he isn’t able to translate his feelings for you into behavior that translates into your “love language.”

Try to be grateful that this guy is not trying to gaslight you, lead you on, or manipulate you. He’s been very up front about who he is, what he wants from your relationship, and what you can expect from him. It is sad that what you want from him isn’t something he can give you, but that’s not going to change, so all you can do is choose what you want to do with that information.

Think about it this way: You really want pepperoni pizza, and you’ve just walked into a pizza shop that only sells cheese. Do you want to let go of your desire for pepperoni and enjoy some cheese pizza, or leave this shop and continue looking for somewhere that will serve you pepperoni? Both of those are fine options, but “stay in the cheese-only shop while continuing to ask and hope for pepperoni” is not.

How do I handle crushes & desires when I'm worried about other people's responses?

So I have an issue. Two issues, in fact. There are two groups of people here: my romantic partner, Nessie and her alter Alberta, and my platonic partner Kastelle and her romantic partner Spork.

So, I'm currently in two relationships: a romantic monogamous one with Nessie, and a platonic poly one with Kastelle and an unimportant outside party. The thing is, I'm starting to catch romantic feelings for Kastelle. At first I was jealous of Spork, but now that we've met... I'm starting to get a crush on her, too. (I mean I'm still jealous, but I also have a crush.) So what I want now is... I want to join their romantic relationship and make it a poly.

But that means leaving my other platonic partner behind (they're aro, so they don't care abt romance, but still.) However I don't think Kastelle likes me like that, and I don't think Spork even likes me in a way that's past surface friendship, and I don't want to ruin my relationship with Kastelle or make Spork wary of me. ALSO, if I were to get into another relationship outside of mine with Nessie, it might put stress on us, too. I want to make everyone happy, including myself, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. And I sincerely doubt that Nessie, Spork, and Kastelle would want to join together and make one big poly mess. I can't balance two romantic relationships anymore unless everyone is together. It puts too much strain on everyone involved and I end up hurting people.

Then there's my second problem with Nessie and Alberta. See, we've always talked about adding Alberta to our relationship after I broke up with a different boyfriend (who I have cut it off with and it's okay.) So now it's just me and Nessie. I've been dropping hints about adding Alberta, hoping Nessie will remember. But it's not working. I'm too afraid to just come out and talk to Nessie about it, and I don't want to ask out Alberta behind Nessie's back. Can you help me? What do I do? Who do I date?

The first issue sounds pretty simple: there are some people you want to date (Kastelle and Spork), but you don’t think they’re interested in dating you, and you worry that pursuing them would create a cascade of problems that you don’t want. So…don’t pursue them! If they haven’t given you any indication that they want to date you, and you think that dating them would cause all sorts of issues, then you have plenty of clear information telling you that trying to date them would not be a good idea.

Sometimes, we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes we feel conflicted, or frustrated, or worried. Sometimes the right choice is a difficult one. That’s just part of life!

If you need to take some space from this relationship to let the crush and jealousy fizzle out, that’s fine. Focus on yourself, your other relationships and hobbies, and don’t ruminate on or indulge in fantasies of the impossible.

The second issue is also pretty simple: Don’t rely on “dropping hints” and “hoping” when it comes to communication within your relationship. If you’re “too afraid” to bring something up with your partner, that indicates that something is very wrong.

Think hard about where that fear is coming from. Has Nessie done anything to indicate that speaking your mind with her is unsafe in any way? If so, leave that relationship. If the anxiety is coming from your own unaddressed assumptions and patterns, you need to find a way to deal with those so that you can communicate effectively with your partner. A relationship where you can’t speak your mind due to fear of their response is unacceptable, and you need to take immediate steps to address that dynamic.

How can I find people to date if everyone sees me as "taken"?

One of the biggest issues we have in finding a partner (for either of us) is that people lose interest when they find out we are already in a relationship. Even if we say we are open/poly, we are still seen as taken. What do we do?

It sounds like the issue here is with the culture, community, or scene you’re dating within. As someone who’s been practicing polyamory for over ten years, I’ve discovered that certain avenues of dating are generally closed to me. For example, when I’m at work, the fact that I have a long-term partner does come up in casual conversation. This means that coworkers who might have developed a little crush, or be interested in flirting, will file me as “unavailable.” If I wanted to pursue someone who knew me like that, I’d need to be really explicit about letting them know that I was actually interested in dating and ask if they’re interested in dating someone who is partnered. 

If you’re actively seeking new partners, flings, dates, etc. my recommendation would be to focus your efforts where you’re not fighting this uphill battle of trying to convince people that you are actually available. Online dating lets you be really explicit about your polyamory and filter matches based on their relationship status or orientation. Polyamorous communities in your area are also a good place to start. 

Is multiple partnerships a "need" for someone who is polyamorous?

I'm still new, as I only recently started thinking I was polyamorous, and my gf of 5 months is aware and okay with me dating other people and it's really healthy between us. My question is, do polyamorous people NEED multiple partners? I'm okay with just having one partner, but I would rather have two or three. Is that still normal, or at least not impossible?

Polyamorous people don’t “need” multiple partners, because no one fundamentally “needs” a romantic partnership to survive. We need air, and food, and water, and sleep, and things like that.

But that’s a bit of a glib answer. Technically monogamous people don’t “need” partners either, but many people’s desire to be partnered is strong enough that it can feel like a requirement for a fulfilling life. There’s an entire media genre centered around the ways that people seek romantic partnership to meet a perceived need in their life!

Some people “need” certain things, not to survive but to be happy. Some people find that their most fulfilled life must include raising kids, or being able to express themselves artistically, or living close to nature. For some people who are polyamorous, it may certainly be that their best life can only be lived by being in multiple partnerships. Whether this is a “need” is ultimately a question of semantics.

Given the other details in your question, it doesn’t seem like this is a hair you need to spend much time splitting. If your partner is okay with you dating other people, and things are working in a healthy way, does it really matter whether this is something you’d be unable to live well without, or just something you really want? It doesn’t matter how “normal” your experience is - it’s your experience, and the only person it needs to work for is you!

You also answer your own question there when you say you’d be “okay” with just one partner, but “would rather” have two or three. You sound pretty self-aware that you know what it would take for you to be in a relationship that you are “okay with” vs one where you get more of what you want. You have all the information you need, so just keep on doing what you’re doing.

I told someone I'm interested in that I'm poly, and she responded poorly

I told the girl I am interested in that I am poly and she didn't take it well. I feel heartbroken now and wish I could change me, so the people wouldn't always leave me as soon as I tell them about the way I am hardwired. I also get that it just wasn't meant to be but I'm still a sad mushroom now.

I am sorry you are feeling like a sad mushroom. It is okay to be sad and frustrated when something doesn’t work out! All of us face times when we don’t get what we want, and it’s okay to admit that it sucks.

I would estimate that about 2/3 of the time when I am interested in someone, the poly angle means things don’t work out. Most people identify as monogamous, so the odds aren’t exactly on our side. (One time, a guy and I planned a romantic weekend in a tiny Irish seaside town, then stood me up because he realized between agreeing to meet me and actually meeting me that he wasn’t actually okay with it! I spent the day wandering on my own, collected some seashells and pebbles, and then took the late train back.)

There are a few things you can do to improve your odds. One is seeking new partners and dates within the polyamorous community. Another is, if you can, being more out and open about your polyamory in general with your friends and social circle, so anyone who might be developing interest in you has that as pre-existing context. And third, think about how you are telling people you’re polyamorous. If you act like you’re unburdening a great secret, or if you spring it too late and people feel led on, that’s more likely to end poorly. Practice being upbeat and chill about your polyamory and try to be patient.

In the meantime, have some ice cream and let yourself be sad about your feelings not being returned. That always feels crappy.

I'm trying to date, but I keep getting ghosted

I've been ghosted more than I've had dates this year, been stood up a lot too. I just joined the local polyamory community recently, though I've been polyamorous for 7 years, and some of those ghosters are in it too. I'm getting therapy to help with my anxiety, but my certainty of getting ghosted or stood up again prevents me from trying to connect to anyone. Do I even qualify as polyamorous if nobody wants to date me? Do you have any advice for my predicament?

First off, of course you are polyamorous even if you're not currently dating anyone polyamorously. Other people's feelings about you do not dictate your identity or your worth.

It's great that you've been getting therapy to help with your anxiety - keep doing that! Be open and honest with your therapist about the social and romantic aspects of your anxiety and how they're affecting your life. If this is impacting you significantly, it's okay to take a break from dating for a while, not because you're "giving up" or you don't think you're worth it, but because being ghosted is a real risk, and if it's not worth taking right now, don't do that to your mental health!

Remember that you are not psychic! People "ghost" for tons of reasons, and usually they have nothing to do with the other person. They get busy, they can't think of what to say, they get distracted, they think you're not interested. It rarely means that they don't like you!

Consider whether you're part of the pattern, too. It can be easy, and tempting, to go for a 'light touch' with these things and figure that "if they like me, they'll reach out" - but they might be thinking the same thing! Try being a bit more forward, invite them on a date earlier in the conversation, send that double text - don't make ghosting you the 'default.' 

Know that tons of people get ghosted all the time; it's just part of dating in 2018. It's awful and obnoxious, but you gotta be willing to get back on that horse. I'd say that when I start chatting with someone, 9 times out of 10, it 'fizzles out' or I get ghosted. I currently have 4 partners - so that means at minimum, I've been 'ghosted' or fizzled out on 36 times! But if I'd given up after the first handful, I wouldn't have the amazing partners I do now. Be patient, and try not to take it personally, though that's much easier said than done, I know!

My wife is trying to date, but people are inconsiderate about polyamory

My wife and I are poly, but it seems like the girls she meets just want to flirt with her because their partners aren't giving them enough attention. The minute she makes them feel sexy enough they drop her like yesterday's trash. I'm so angry for her because this is just crushing her self-esteem. I wish people didn't see poly as just flirty fun and ignore the real person with real feelings involved.

I'm so sorry that you and your wife are having this experience. It is true that people in the dating scene sometimes have misunderstandings of polyamory that lead to real hurt for people trying to date polyamorously.

It might be time for your wife to consider where, and how, she's meeting these women. If she keeps getting hurt, it's okay to withdraw, spend time with people who are healthy and safe for her, and take steps to protect herself from this ongoing pain.

She might have better luck with an online dating profile that is very explicit about her expectations and needs as a married polyamorous person, or checking out polyamorous meetups, websites, and other communities. If it's something she's interested in, the kink/bdsm scene tends to be very poly-adjacent as well. 

Two people I like told me they also like me, and I don't know what to do

I have 2 crushes which are both female and bi. I identify as pansexual and newly poly (pronouns are she/her). A few days ago they made a group chat and told me that they liked each other but they also like me. They then told me that they might be poly as well. I don't know what to do! Should I tell them I'm poly as well? That I want to be in a relationship?

Oh my goodness this one is so easy! YES! Two people you have crushes on told you that they both like you! This is the opposite of a problem! What reason could there possibly be not to tell them that you also like them, and would also like to try a polyamorous arrangement?

Since you three are all pretty new to identifying as polyamorous, it would be wise to have some serious heart-to-hearts about what you want, how you envision things going, etc. Maybe in the group chat, or maybe face to face, whatever works best for you! Best of luck, and enjoy this new foray into wlw polyamory!

I'm in a messy situation with two people I've been dating

[Zinnia's note: the original letter writer used an anonymizing system that really confused me, so I've swapped to my own pseudonyms.] I have a 2.5 yrs LDR (Zeus) & a shorter relationship (Hera). Zeus & me decided to try being poly. When I got into a relationship with Hera, Zeus made me break it off. Hera & I still saw each other socially with Zeus's knowledge. Hera broke things off twice because they couldn't handle me being in another relationship. After discussion & research they said they were okay with it. Hera & I put the dating label on it again with Zeus's knowledge. Zeus then gave me a choice: Zeus or Hera. Zeus is okay with an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship later. While Hera says they are okay with all aspects of being poly. Advice?

The person who taught me how to be polyamorous had a motto: "If someone is trying to make you choose, choose the one who isn't." 

It does not sound like Zeus wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. When you started seeing Hera, they "made you" break it off. Then, when you and Hera decided to start dating again, again Zeus made it clear that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you while you're also dating Hera.

Perhaps Zeus is okay with an "open relationship," but it sounds like you two have different levels of comfort and sets of boundaries about what that means. My advice is to identify exactly what Zeus wants in a relationship. Then, identify whether that's something you can provide. If it's not, end the relationship.

Then you need to decide if you want to date Hera. Because the choice isn't a binary between Zeus or Hera; you can decide to date neither! If Hera has needs you can't meet or can't meet your needs - if there's too much baggage hanging around from this mess, if you saw red flags in their choice to continue disrupting your friendship over the fact that you wouldn't date them - don't date them either. If you do, make sure you go in with a clear understanding of the terms of the relationship and ensure that you're both operating with the same definition of "polyamorous relationship."

I don't know how to identify "love" outside of monogamy

Hey! I'm newly in a triad with a couple that's been together for almost 5 years. I don't really know how to tell if I'm in love or just really like them. All the previous definitions of love I've had were very monogamous and idk how to draw the line between just really liking them and being in love.

This is a tough spot to be in - we are taught through media and socialization and all sorts of other sources that you "know" you're "in love" when you "only want to be with them" or "see yourself with just them for the rest of your life." So it's very fair to feel adrift and confused when you're in a romantic situation that you don't have a lot of models or blueprints for.

My advice would be to let go of this question. There is an entire dynamic, complex, highly individualized realm of human emotion that can't really be distilled down into a binary of "in love" vs. "just really like." You feel what you feel right now - find words for it that fit, without worrying about whether a specific word tied to a limited construct fits perfectly.

Do you feel committed? How committed? What kind of sacrifices and compromises do you feel willing to make? Not willing to make? What kinds of songs, images, and symbols capture your relationship well? What do you like to do together? What makes you feel happy, grateful, or fulfilled in this relationship? What positive things about yourself do your partners draw out?

Find ways to describe and understand your relationship that are unique and specific - because your relationship is unique and specific. Everyone's is, whether they're poly or mono. What I feel as "love" for my partner might not be what someone else identifies as "love." What I experience in a healthy relationship is different than what someone else needs. Don't worry about whether what you feel meets the "true" or "real" or "correct" definition of one word.

I like having this guy in my life, but he makes me feel like I'm not special to him in a way that I want to be

So I have 2 partners, one romantic who I'm madly in love, and the other sexual with whom I practice BDSM. So this guy has a lot, and I mean a lot, of other partners, but I'm the only one who gives him the sex he loves (and that I love). We have been on and off for a couple of months and he is the one that always comes back crawling, which makes me think I'm important in his life and not just another girl. At least I thought so, but for the past week we have been fighting a lot, he has been really rough on me, and is speaking about the others. I'm starting to feel just like any other girl, like I'm not special at all. I really don't know what to do. I really like what we have and i know it will always be sex, but I would like to have a special spot. I don't know how to tell him this, I don't want to push him or to make him think I want something more. But I love feeling important for someone.

Letter writer, I am going to be a bit less gentle with you than I usually am, not because you deserve it, but because I myself recently got untangled from a very similar situation - down to some specific details, it's almost creepy - and I now have zero patience for guys like that and the weird lose-lose knots they tangle their partners up in.

You want something this guy cannot and will not give you. He will not prioritize you or give you a special spot in his life. You need to walk away from this and seek something that will be healthier and happier for you in the long run. 

You're caught in a trap of his that I know very well: this feeling that "I'd like to get more of this guy's time/affection/attention, but if I ask for more, I will actually get less - because he will pull away, deny me, or see me as 'clingy.' So my choices are to get some of what I want, or none of what I want. It therefore makes sense to settle for some rather than throwing out the some and taking none because I want more."

That is sound logic if we're talking about, say, cupcakes. If someone hands you a mini cupcake and you say "no! I wanted a bigger cupcake!" and throw it away, then you've just made your problem - not enough cupcake - worse. But this guy isn't a mini cupcake. He's a guy who is treating you in a way that makes you feel bad. You don't deserve that. You deserve more.

You say you "don't want to make him think you want more," but you do want more. You're tiptoeing around his feelings because he has you convinced that if you ask anything, if you have any needs, if you express desire for anything beyond exactly what he's willing to give, he'll spook. That's a crappy place to be in. Don't let him keep you there. Set your standards higher. You're allowed to ask things of your partners.

Trust me. As great as that sex is, it's not worth it. All the fun that this guy provides, you're telling yourself it's worth the frustration and the disappointment and the fighting and the breaking up and all that. It is not. Make yourself a Fetlife account, spend some time describing what you're into, check out local BDSM scene events, find some local "personal ads" groups on Fetlife, and you'll find someone who can light your fire without burning you out. 

I agreed to a polyamorous relationship, but after trying it, realized it's not what I want

My boyfriend wants to be poly but I don't. I agreed to it to make him happy. I don't know what to do anymore because I don't want to be in this kind of relationship but I gave it a try.

It sounds like you know exactly what to do. That's all life really is - trying things to see if you like them. If you like them, you keep doing them. If you don't, you stop! 

You gave it an honest try. You realized it's not for you. So stop doing it! This relationship isn't something you want anymore. You said it yourself. That's a totally okay thing to realize. Now you have some really clear information to act on.

It's possible that your boyfriend is amenable to ending the polyamorous experiment if you tell him "now that we've tried it, I've learned that this really isn't working for me." So that's your first step. If he feels unable or unwilling to be in a monogamous relationship, that's okay - the type of relationship he wants isn't the type of relationship you want, and so you two are incompatible.

The point of dating someone is to learn whether or not you're compatible in a relationship - that's why we don't get married on the first date! You're doing everything right - trying new things, learning what works and what doesn't, and moving forward based on what you've learned. 

How does one flirt while polyamorous?

So I'm poly and I have no idea how to flirt. A lot of people say "I want to spend my whole life with just you" and stuff like that, but what for poly people?

First off, I'm assuming you mean "flirt" when already in a relationship? I always associate flirting with trying to get someone's attention and subtly telegraph your interest and gauge theirs when you have a crush on them - once you're secure in their affections for you, it stops being flirting (in my mind). For the record, it's never a good idea to say something like "I want to spend my whole life with just you" as a way to try and probe for someone's interest in you or signal yours without being sure how they feel!

There are many, many ways to express affection for someone without implying a monogamous relationship or worldview! One of my partners often says "I'm on your side," which carries a lot of meaning between us. One of my partners calls me "boo" - pet names can be great flirting tools! Saying things like "you're wonderful," "I really like spending time with you," "you make my life better," "I enjoy you," etc. etc. etc. don't require a lifetime commitment to monogamy! Use whatever compliments fit you and your partners and feel genuine.

Sweet gestures are always great too! If the flirt-ee likes matcha green tea, bring them a little green tea candy that you saw in a Japanese store. If they like sloths, message them a picture of a sloth. If they've been stressing about an errand, offer to run it with or for them. Sharing experiences is a powerful way to show affection: listen to a band or read a book that they like so you can talk about it with them. Inside jokes are great too!

Some people flirt with teasing, but be careful not to get into the territory of "negging." Playful, silly banter and getting into good-natured mischief together is great! Trying to put someone in a position of feeling put down or in danger of losing your respect is not good flirting practice. 

You can also flirt with physical affection - one of my partners and I have an elaborate game where we are always trying to blow raspberries on each other. Butt taps, pokes, smacks, and caresses are frequent between me and my partners. If you're not actually physically involved yet, flirting classics like borrowing their hoodie or touching their arm are classics for a reason. Never underestimate the power of eye contact either.