My partner needs to move his schedule around, which makes it nearly impossible for me to see him

I've been a part of a poly relationship for about a year now, we are all busy people and so we made a rough schedule for spending time together. Torvald and I always hang out on Wednesdays as it's the only day that consistently works for both of us. He works late Monday, plays games with his friends and primary (we'll call her Jespor) on Tuesday. I spend time with my primary (unrelated to Torvald or Jespor) on Thursday, and Sunday. He spends Thursday and Friday with Jespor. And we all three spend time together Saturday. But today he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out on Wednesdays anymore because he wants to watch a TV show the night it airs for the foreseeable future (with Jespor). I feel very hurt by this. I understand I'm not as important as she is and I probably don't have any right to be upset, but I feel like I'm being shoved aside for something that could easily be done the next day. He said I might be able to come over for a little bit after the show gets over, but that would be fairly late and I work early and it makes me feel like a booty call. I don't know how to communicate this to him without coming across as controlling or needy. Plus I feel like making a big deal out of this will make spending time with me feel like a chore. These are my best friends and I don't want things to turn out badly.

This is likely a case of the “message sent” being different from the “message received.” The only thing he told you is that he can’t hold Wednesday nights as your hang out time any longer, but you received a lot of messages about your importance to him and how much he values your time together.

Which is understandable - I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel hurt! Just that it’s important to engage with the things he’s actually saying and doing.

There are plenty of ways to bring this up with Torvald without being “controlling” or “needy.” Let him know that you really value your one-on-one time with him, and since it’s not going to work out on Wednesdays anymore, see if he can work with you to come up with a solution. It’s really great to have standing weekly dates with important people, but life changes and schedules do shift. Is it possible for you to hang out with him on Thursdays and shift date nights with your primary to Wednesdays? Or, since he’s adding another day with Jespor, could Fridays become your night?

It’s OK to ask other people in your life, including your other partners, to make adjustments. Adult life and real world relationships often require this sort of flexibility. Holding a night of the week for someone’s schedule is not a lifelong commitment and everyone involved is entitled to make changes. Someday someone else will really want to take a class that only meets on Tuesday evenings, or get a promotion that requires them to work late on Thursdays. Managing this with grace and without taking things personally will be important.

It’s also completely fine to talk to Torvald about how this makes you feel less important and pushed aside - without accusing him of actually devaluing you or pushing you aside - and let him know what would help you feel more secure and cherished in the relationship. If you can’t spend quality time together in the evenings, what kind of connection is important to maintain? Is there a way to make hanging out later in the evenings not feel like a “booty call?”

You say that you’re afraid that bringing this up will make you “seem” a certain way or that it will “make” Torvald feel a certain way. Remember that you are not psychic! If Torvald is someone who is dating you, it’s likely that he enjoys spending time with you, he doesn’t resent you for desiring his attention and affection, and that he wants you to be honest with him about your desires and feelings. If he acts in a way that demonstrates anything else, don’t date this person. Partners should always welcome this kind of honesty, and anyone who punishes you for it is not someone you ought to be dating.

You’re also well within your rights to ask him if he would be willing to wait 24 hours and watch the show with her on Thursdays. Again, he might not realize how important this is for you, or he might not have communicated something important about the fandom experience he wants to have. But none of that can happen without a conversation! Don’t frame it as a “confrontation” or a “demand,” just an open dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Let him respond in his own way - either by collaborating with you to find a compromise that works for everyone, or by demonstrating that he’s not willing to do that and thus not someone worth dating.

I'm dating someone who puts his wife ahead of me - what do I do?

I was hoping for some advice about a situation. I'm married and poly. I have a partner of about 8 months now. He's in a DADT relationship. He prefers not to meet on weekends as that's his time with his wife - which leaves us Tuesdays (I work 4 -10 he shifts). He unfortunately had some health things to work through so we've gone extended periods without seeing one another. The times we have seen one another it's usually within a 3 hour window.

A lot of our plans fall through because of health or because his wife needs him. We have talked about boundaries and I know he is capable of loving another person, and when we don't see each other we talk all day long every day. First good morning and last goodnight. I fell in love with him.

I'm worried that I'm allowing myself to stay in a place that won't be good for me. Sporadic visits, I often have to ask for reassurance for feelings. I know he cares about me, but it hurts when he cancels and it hurts to know that if this specific time frame doesn't work we won't see each other.

This morning we had plans fall through and I feel hurt and tearful. And while he verbalized that he misses me and wishes he could be here to console me - he also reminded me that when his wife isn’t feeling her best that's his priority.

I am not asking for him to every put me first. I'm asking to feel important. I'm asking to matter. I'm asking to exist outside of a window of time that is often lost/missed etc. I love him. He has become such an important part of my life but also a very painful part. Im not sure what I'm asking but I'm lost.

This guy has given you very clear information about what he can and what he cannot provide for you in a relationship. He is holding his boundaries and explicitly defining what sort of relationship he is able and willing to be in.

You now have plenty of information with which to make an informed choice. Are you okay being in a relationship under those terms? If yes, then you need to commit to accepting those boundaries and find a way to make it work. If no, then you need to leave the relationship. Continuing to ask him to do things that he has told you that he cannot or will not do is not going to be a good use of your time.

I also want to make a note about some of your wording here: you say that you are “asking to feel important” and that you are “asking to matter.” Those aren’t really things you can ask of your partner. He can’t make you feel, or be, any sort of way.

You can identify “here are things you can do that would make me feel important,” and it sounds like you have done that, and he’s said that he can’t do those things, so you have some pretty clear information.

You matter, and you are important, inherently, as a human being - another person’s behavior can’t change that. And it’s entirely possible that you matter very much and are very important to this guy - but that he isn’t able to translate his feelings for you into behavior that translates into your “love language.”

Try to be grateful that this guy is not trying to gaslight you, lead you on, or manipulate you. He’s been very up front about who he is, what he wants from your relationship, and what you can expect from him. It is sad that what you want from him isn’t something he can give you, but that’s not going to change, so all you can do is choose what you want to do with that information.

Think about it this way: You really want pepperoni pizza, and you’ve just walked into a pizza shop that only sells cheese. Do you want to let go of your desire for pepperoni and enjoy some cheese pizza, or leave this shop and continue looking for somewhere that will serve you pepperoni? Both of those are fine options, but “stay in the cheese-only shop while continuing to ask and hope for pepperoni” is not.

Is it possible to have more than one primary partner?

Is it possible to have more than one primary partner?

Yes. "Primary" does not have to mean "the one person you're committed to above all others." It could also mean "someone you're deeply committed to, see a future with, and will make sacrifices for."

A lot of people think "primary/secondary" stuff is about who ultimately has the 'final say' - like if Hermeneutic is your primary and Metaphysic is your secondary, Hermeneutic can demand that you break up with Metaphysic, but not vice versa. Or if Metaphysic wants to move for his career and Hermeneutic says no, you won't move, but you'd move for Hermeneutic. 

That's not what it means, or has to mean. It doesn't have to set up partners as oppositions or placing one 'above' another. "Primary" marks a certain level of commitment, willingness to sacrifice, and place in your life. More than one person can have that place in your life. 

But this is just the general case; for some people, wrapping their heads around having multiple primaries is impossible. For others, having any "primary" partner or partners just doesn't make sense. So while it's possible, it might not be possible for every individual.

It's a lot messier when things aren't neatly hierarchical. If conflict arises, you don't have someone to 'default' to. You don't have an external structure to dictate your choices. You need to be flexible, dynamic, intentional, and present. If Hermeneutic wants to move, or Metaphysic wants to become monogamous, you have to decide what's best for you, you have to talk things out, you have to think through all the risks and possibilities. And you have to be accountable to the choices you make, rather than throwing your hands up and going "what can I do? He's the primary!"

If that risk doesn't sound like something you can handle; if the tidiness of hierarchical polyamory feels safer and healthier for you, then maybe having multiple primaries isn't right for you. And that's okay! Something being an option doesn't mean you're obligated to do it. But if it's something you want, and you're just worried that it's "not possible," relax! Do what's best for you and your relationships, and don't worry about how other people frame it. 

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Hi, I’m so upset and sad and scared. The long and short of it is, I’m scared being secondary with this guy I’m in love with will hurt. We’re in love and he says he loves us (his gf and I) equally, but i have to be secondary to protect their relationship. I don’t know how to be okay with secondary. I just want him, that’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time and I’m not sure what to do.

Do not enter this relationship. If you already feel upset and sad and scared about the prospect of being in a relationship on these terms, don’t do it. Never date someone on terms that would make you feel hurt. Never make a compromise on this level. Your emotional well-being is not worth being with him. You cannot date this guy - your terms are dating “just him,” and he cannot date you on those terms. He is undateable.

Sometimes, we really want to date people, but other circumstances prevent us from being able to: they don’t want to date us, they are moving away, they require dating on terms that won’t work for us. Situations like that hurt, and it’s very tempting to make a compromise to get what we want, but it will not work out. Listen to the signals your emotions are sending you - this will not be a healthy arrangement for you. Reality is not aligned in such a way that you can get what you want. It sucks, but it’s something to grieve, not solve. Mourn the fact that it didn’t work out, eat a bunch of ice cream, and try to move on.