I've been a part of a poly relationship for about a year now, we are all busy people and so we made a rough schedule for spending time together. Torvald and I always hang out on Wednesdays as it's the only day that consistently works for both of us. He works late Monday, plays games with his friends and primary (we'll call her Jespor) on Tuesday. I spend time with my primary (unrelated to Torvald or Jespor) on Thursday, and Sunday. He spends Thursday and Friday with Jespor. And we all three spend time together Saturday. But today he told me that he wouldn't be able to hang out on Wednesdays anymore because he wants to watch a TV show the night it airs for the foreseeable future (with Jespor). I feel very hurt by this. I understand I'm not as important as she is and I probably don't have any right to be upset, but I feel like I'm being shoved aside for something that could easily be done the next day. He said I might be able to come over for a little bit after the show gets over, but that would be fairly late and I work early and it makes me feel like a booty call. I don't know how to communicate this to him without coming across as controlling or needy. Plus I feel like making a big deal out of this will make spending time with me feel like a chore. These are my best friends and I don't want things to turn out badly.
This is likely a case of the “message sent” being different from the “message received.” The only thing he told you is that he can’t hold Wednesday nights as your hang out time any longer, but you received a lot of messages about your importance to him and how much he values your time together.
Which is understandable - I’m not saying that you’re wrong to feel hurt! Just that it’s important to engage with the things he’s actually saying and doing.
There are plenty of ways to bring this up with Torvald without being “controlling” or “needy.” Let him know that you really value your one-on-one time with him, and since it’s not going to work out on Wednesdays anymore, see if he can work with you to come up with a solution. It’s really great to have standing weekly dates with important people, but life changes and schedules do shift. Is it possible for you to hang out with him on Thursdays and shift date nights with your primary to Wednesdays? Or, since he’s adding another day with Jespor, could Fridays become your night?
It’s OK to ask other people in your life, including your other partners, to make adjustments. Adult life and real world relationships often require this sort of flexibility. Holding a night of the week for someone’s schedule is not a lifelong commitment and everyone involved is entitled to make changes. Someday someone else will really want to take a class that only meets on Tuesday evenings, or get a promotion that requires them to work late on Thursdays. Managing this with grace and without taking things personally will be important.
It’s also completely fine to talk to Torvald about how this makes you feel less important and pushed aside - without accusing him of actually devaluing you or pushing you aside - and let him know what would help you feel more secure and cherished in the relationship. If you can’t spend quality time together in the evenings, what kind of connection is important to maintain? Is there a way to make hanging out later in the evenings not feel like a “booty call?”
You say that you’re afraid that bringing this up will make you “seem” a certain way or that it will “make” Torvald feel a certain way. Remember that you are not psychic! If Torvald is someone who is dating you, it’s likely that he enjoys spending time with you, he doesn’t resent you for desiring his attention and affection, and that he wants you to be honest with him about your desires and feelings. If he acts in a way that demonstrates anything else, don’t date this person. Partners should always welcome this kind of honesty, and anyone who punishes you for it is not someone you ought to be dating.
You’re also well within your rights to ask him if he would be willing to wait 24 hours and watch the show with her on Thursdays. Again, he might not realize how important this is for you, or he might not have communicated something important about the fandom experience he wants to have. But none of that can happen without a conversation! Don’t frame it as a “confrontation” or a “demand,” just an open dialogue about how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting. Let him respond in his own way - either by collaborating with you to find a compromise that works for everyone, or by demonstrating that he’s not willing to do that and thus not someone worth dating.