I like a guy, but he's in a polyamorous relationship and I don't want that

Me and this guy like each other but he is also in a poly relationship. I want to date him but i don't want to have to "share" him if that makes sense. We really like each other though. How do I tell him I don't want to date him if he is also dating other people?

You can just tell him that: “I really like you, and I would like to date you monogamously, but I don’t want to date you if you are also dating other people.”

Then, he can do what he likes with that information. He may say “then we aren’t compatible - bummer!” or he may say “then I’ll leave my relationship for you!” Either way, you’ll have your answer.

People say this to me all the time - it’s a pretty common situation. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to leave his polyamorous relationship for you, and that’s his decision to make. It’ll sting, but you’ll live - nearly everyone has been through the pain of liking someone who can’t or won’t date them for any number of reasons.

Best of luck finding someone who wants a monogamous relationship with you, whether it’s this guy or someone else!

I realized I'm polyamorous, but my partner is not okay with it, and I feel awful

Hey, I recently discovered that I am poly, and my partner and I talked about it. They came to the conclusion a few days ago that they can't handle a poly relationship at the moment due to personal reasons, and they don't know if they'll ever be comfortable with it.

I don't expect a solution, but do you have any advice? The exchange left me with a pit in my chest. I don't want them in a situation that they aren’t 100% okay with, I don't want to leave them ever, I love them so so much, but I also don't want to be stuck with this feeling forever.

I write about this topic on my FAQ here.

Essentially, this is a deeply human problem. Life is full of choices, and making those choices often requires us to let go of other options. This agony is well captured in Sylvia Plath’s metaphor of the fig tree. Taking a job in a big city with lots of community and nightlife means we can’t also live on a sprawling alpaca farm. Staying home and getting a good night’s rest means we’ll miss out on the concert our friends go to, and going to the concert means missing out on a good night’s rest.

I don’t mean to be glib - this is a painful situation! - but it’s not unique to polyamory and monogamy, and it’s not even unique to relationships. In your heart, you probably already know how to make choices and commit to them and let go of regret and resentment over what could have been, because you’ve been practicing it all your life.

If you want to stay with this person, you will have to make some sacrifices. You know that indefinite monogamy is a condition of this relationship. Sometimes we don’t get everything we want, and that sucks. You can be disappointed that life isn’t perfect, and you are free to grieve your lack of opportunity to try out a polyamorous relationship. But don’t let that regret or resentment fester. Remind yourself that this was something you chose freely, and that it’s worth it to you in order to stay in the relationship.

Imagine that your partner was severely allergic to cats, and being with them meant you could never have a pet cat. You might feel bummed out about this, and you might even feel a pang of longing when you visit a friend with a cat, but if you’ve decided that you’re willing to forgo cat ownership in order to date this person, that’s just the choice you gotta live with. Waking up every morning and being upset that you can’t have a cat, or constantly ruminating on your cat-less life, isn’t going to be healthy or fair.

You may discover that it’s just too much for you to give up, and that you really do feel that you need to try out polyamory, or own a cat, in order to be happy and fulfilled. In that case, you’ll still need to make a sacrifice to get what you want - you’ll need to leave that relationship. Which will also be a painful loss, and it will also feel awful, but it will be necessary in order to pursue the life you want.

Ultimately, only you can decide what sacrifices you are willing to make. Only you can choose which fig to reach out and pluck, and which others to let fall to the ground uneaten. The fact that we have to choose is often aggravating and painful, and no one likes facing a tough choice, but it’s necessary and entirely survivable.

I am sorry that you’ve found yourself in a situation where you can’t get everything you want, and that you feel a “pit” in your chest. Try to give it time, know that you are fully able to cope with disappointment, and then do what you need to do to live your best life in this flawed, complicated reality.

I’m a mono man and have been in a mono relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. 2 months ago I moved in with him. I am demisexual but also have a very low sex drive. At first this wasn’t an issue, but recently it has been brought to my attention that it bothers my boyfriend. Last week he told me that he is polyamorous, and would like to have sex with other people when I can’t perform. I have very bad paranoia and anxiety, and am mentally ill. I am terrified that if he gets into a romantic relationship with someone else, he will leave me. I have a fear of abandonment and its hurting me deep down. He’s already started talking to other people, but hides it from me, like its a bad thing. He keeps telling me I “just need to be poly too” but it doesn’t work in my head like that. I can’t expect him to just be okay with my low sex drive, but I just want him to be happy and us to have a healthy relationship. What should I do?

You need to talk to your mental health care provider - whoever diagnosed you with your mental illness or whoever you are working on it with - about this situation as soon as possible. If you don’t have one, you need to find one asap. Having very bad paranoia and anxiety really sucks and can make navigating relationships extra hard, and it means you need to do extra work to manage your illnesses in the context of a relationship. There may be strategies you can use to help minimize the paranoid and anxious thoughts and help you cope with the fear of abandonment.

You need to consider what you are and are not willing to do, and then set those boundaries, and then accept the consequences of those boundaries. Maybe you, being mono, simply cannot date someone who is poly. That is totally fine, and totally fair, and it means you need to leave this relationship. You always have the right to leave a relationship once you realize it’s not working out for you - that is the entire point of dating.

Maybe you are okay with your partner having sex with other people, but you need certain things from him to be okay with it. Figure out what those things are, then let him know. If he agrees to those things, great! If he cannot or will not agree to those things, then you have collected the information you need to recognize that this relationship isn’t working for you - again, the entire point of dating, learning your needs, and articulating them. 

I would caution you about a few red flags in your letter: the fact that he wants to see other people “when you can’t perform” makes it sound like he’s framing it as a failure on your part and like he needs to have other people “make up for” something lacking in your relationship. That is not a healthy framing of it - consider talking to him and your therapist about some more positive, healthy ways to think and talk about polyamorous arrangement between you two. Let him know that how he talks about this can go a long way toward alleviating or exacerbating your paranoia, anxiety, and fears. 

Another red flag: that he is talking to other people but hiding it from you. That blurs the line of consent, which brings it closer to cheating than an open relationship. You two need to start this journey from a place of openness and trust, and if he refuses to do that, or if you cannot safely hear him out about his needs and desires, you two need to end this relationship. 

Another red flag: that he tells you you “just need to be poly too.” That is dismissive of your mono self and overly demanding on his part. If you don’t feel like he’s respectfully and openly hearing you out, if you feel like he’s just insisting that you stop feeling your feelings so he doesn’t have to attend to them, he is not healthy to be dating and you need to end this relationship.

Finally, I do not know your circumstances and I can certainly say that moving quickly has worked for plenty of relationships in the past - but moving in with someone after dating someone for 4 months is a pretty big risk. Consider thinking about, and talking with your therapist about, the reasons you made that choice, whether you feel that choice was made from a healthy place, and how you can break patterns that have gotten you into hard situations in the past. Do not let yourself believe that you are stuck with this relationship or owe it to him to work things out on his terms just because you live together now. Moving sucks, but staying in a relationship that isn’t working sucks way worse and sucks for way longer. 

I’m in a happy relationship right now ((just two of us)) but I’ve really liked my friend for the longest time now and learned that she likes me too. She knows and understands what polyamory is, but my partner now I’m not so sure… I know he’ll see it as he’s not enough. I’ll talk to him and be honest and open but I’m not sure how he’ll handle. I refuse to cheat and I would never consider doing it but even if he agreed I can imagine he’d think that’s what it was… Can I please have some advice?

Twice in your short letter, you state that you know what your partner would think or feel in a given situation. You “know he’ll see it as he’s not enough,” and “even if he agreed” to be poly, you “imagine he’d think” it was cheating. This is a big issue. You have to let your boyfriend speak for himself and his own thoughts. You can’t act on your imagined predictions of his inner life.

If you’re dating someone who you don’t trust to be truthful with you - if you think he’s capable of agreeing to something while secretly feeling cheated on - that’s a major problem, and one that you two need to work out regardless of whether you decide to try polyamory or not. You need to figure out whether this is primarily your issue - do you just decide you know what he’s thinking, regardless of what he says? - or his issue - does he often say things that don’t accurately reflect how he really feels, which causes problems later?

Polyamory requires crystal clear communication, which includes trusting each other to have the self-awareness and honesty to say what they mean and mean what they say. If you’re not at that point, you need to work on that before you even start thinking about dating your friend.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. That’s the only way to move forward. Don’t rely on guesses and assumptions. Ask him how he feels about polyamory. Invite him to be honest with you. Discuss best and worst case scenarios. Talk about feelings and fears and boundaries. Read about polyamory together. Only he can tell you how he feels and what he needs. And if he can’t, that’s an issue to work on.