I don't know how to identify "love" outside of monogamy

Hey! I'm newly in a triad with a couple that's been together for almost 5 years. I don't really know how to tell if I'm in love or just really like them. All the previous definitions of love I've had were very monogamous and idk how to draw the line between just really liking them and being in love.

This is a tough spot to be in - we are taught through media and socialization and all sorts of other sources that you "know" you're "in love" when you "only want to be with them" or "see yourself with just them for the rest of your life." So it's very fair to feel adrift and confused when you're in a romantic situation that you don't have a lot of models or blueprints for.

My advice would be to let go of this question. There is an entire dynamic, complex, highly individualized realm of human emotion that can't really be distilled down into a binary of "in love" vs. "just really like." You feel what you feel right now - find words for it that fit, without worrying about whether a specific word tied to a limited construct fits perfectly.

Do you feel committed? How committed? What kind of sacrifices and compromises do you feel willing to make? Not willing to make? What kinds of songs, images, and symbols capture your relationship well? What do you like to do together? What makes you feel happy, grateful, or fulfilled in this relationship? What positive things about yourself do your partners draw out?

Find ways to describe and understand your relationship that are unique and specific - because your relationship is unique and specific. Everyone's is, whether they're poly or mono. What I feel as "love" for my partner might not be what someone else identifies as "love." What I experience in a healthy relationship is different than what someone else needs. Don't worry about whether what you feel meets the "true" or "real" or "correct" definition of one word.

What is love? I’ve been with this guy for a year and we fight a lot and he always tells me how horrible he thinks I am and I know most of the stuff he says isn’t true or its just an exaggeration of the truth and so it makes me not want to be with him because it really affects my mental health ( i have severe depression) and i’ve told people about him and they always say he’s abusive and i always say i cant leave because i ‘love’ him but what is love? Do I really 'love’ him or am i just afraid.

If you’re with someone who tells me how horrible you are, lies to you, exacerbates your existing mental health issues, and people in your life believe he is abusive: leave him.

Sometimes “love” isn’t enough. Sometimes you can love someone’s ‘potential’ - who they might be if they could let go of the hatred and anger and pain that cause them to act in abusive ways. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the positives - maybe the sex is great, maybe on his good days he’s really really good, maybe he’s very funny - and we become convinced that those positives absolutely must cancel out the negatives. 

Sometimes, we mistake any heightened emotion for love. This is why people like to take dates to horror movies, and why people will report that someone is more attractive to them if they first see that person in a dangerous situation. I am sure that this person makes you feel very strong feelings - but the strength of those feelings doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

Love does not hurt. Love is incompatible with abuse. Love does not make you afraid. Leaving this guy might feel hard, and lonely, and scary, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You deserve to find love that makes you feel good, that builds you up, that doesn’t make you wonder whether you are in love or “just afraid.” Let go of the messiness here and set yourself free. You can do it. You’re worth it. If you are worried about him using emotional, psychological or physical violence to make it harder for you to end things, enlist the help of friends or a professional. Check out my resources here.

How can I get my boyfriend to fall in love with me again?

Short, sad answer: you can’t.

There is no magical set of words or actions anyone can take that will reliably change or alter another person’s thoughts or feelings.

If there is a specific issue that has come between you two - a communication breakdown, a source of resentment, a fading sex life - talk openly with him about what it would take to repair it, what each of you are willing to do, and then work together on that healing project.

But if someone doesn’t love you, there’s not much that can be done besides to graciously receive that information and respond to it as best you can. Do what you need to heal, to take space, to process, and then move forward, knowing that the only person you can control is you. 

positive “not a question” messages!

sometimes I get happy fuzzy nice messages that are not questions, and I don’t usually post them, but we could all use some more love in our lives these days, so here are three happy messages I got recently!

hey there :) not really a question just wanted to show my appreciation for your work answering questions. You are always so eloquent and insightful. I really admire how you answer all these really loaded questions with such elegance.

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I know this isn’t a question, I just wanted to share my joy somewhere :). I just had a lovely cuddling and playing video games sesh with my boyfriend and his boyfriends

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I hope this doesn’t clutter your ask box. I just wanted to say I appreciate this blog so much! I love that most of your responses center around independence and communication. what I think of when I come across a poly (or general relationship) issue is: I want to be able to do what I like, and I really want you / you all to be able to do what you like. let’s see how we can all have as much freedom and autonomy as possible! so, thanks. keep doing your thing <3 <3

friends & followers: if you want to send me love or fanmail or happy poly anecdotes, definitely always do that! it is not a problem or a cluttering of my inbox, it always makes my day! (people who send me angry aggressive criticism never seem to worry about that lol)

meanwhile i’ll try to do more to spread the joy around. please take this moment - if there’s a teacher you remember who made a positive impact on you, send them a note; a customer service rep who was friendly, call their manager; a blogger or twitter you appreciate, send them a nice message; a coworker whose work you admire, leave them a note. it really can make someone’s day!

Dean Spade on Polyamory →

A lot of the things I’m writing here go to the basic notion of what we think loving other people is about. Is it about possessing them, finding security in them, having all our needs met by them, being able to treat them in any way and still having them stick around? I hope not. What I hope that love is—whether platonic, romantic, familial, or communal—is the sincere wish that another person have what they need to be whole and develop themselves to their best capacity for joy or whatever fulfillment they’re seeking.