My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

I'm in a messy situation with two people I've been dating

[Zinnia's note: the original letter writer used an anonymizing system that really confused me, so I've swapped to my own pseudonyms.] I have a 2.5 yrs LDR (Zeus) & a shorter relationship (Hera). Zeus & me decided to try being poly. When I got into a relationship with Hera, Zeus made me break it off. Hera & I still saw each other socially with Zeus's knowledge. Hera broke things off twice because they couldn't handle me being in another relationship. After discussion & research they said they were okay with it. Hera & I put the dating label on it again with Zeus's knowledge. Zeus then gave me a choice: Zeus or Hera. Zeus is okay with an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship later. While Hera says they are okay with all aspects of being poly. Advice?

The person who taught me how to be polyamorous had a motto: "If someone is trying to make you choose, choose the one who isn't." 

It does not sound like Zeus wants to be in a polyamorous relationship. When you started seeing Hera, they "made you" break it off. Then, when you and Hera decided to start dating again, again Zeus made it clear that they didn't want to be in a relationship with you while you're also dating Hera.

Perhaps Zeus is okay with an "open relationship," but it sounds like you two have different levels of comfort and sets of boundaries about what that means. My advice is to identify exactly what Zeus wants in a relationship. Then, identify whether that's something you can provide. If it's not, end the relationship.

Then you need to decide if you want to date Hera. Because the choice isn't a binary between Zeus or Hera; you can decide to date neither! If Hera has needs you can't meet or can't meet your needs - if there's too much baggage hanging around from this mess, if you saw red flags in their choice to continue disrupting your friendship over the fact that you wouldn't date them - don't date them either. If you do, make sure you go in with a clear understanding of the terms of the relationship and ensure that you're both operating with the same definition of "polyamorous relationship."

What do I do when me and a partner break up but my main partner still wants to date them?

That really depends on the specifics of the situation. If all three of you were in a triad, where there’s a single central relationship that bonds you three, then it sounds like that bond has been broken.

But, if you’re in a situation where the dating relationships look like: Adam&Ben, Adam&Carl, and Ben&Carl, then if Adam&Ben break up, then Adam&Carl and Ben&Carl can still continue to date. If Adam & Carl & Ben frequently hang out as a unit of three, that dynamic will necessarily change after a breakup, but the pair relationships don’t need to be all mutually reliant.

Of course, that assumes that the breakup between Adam&Ben was mutual and gentle. If there is drama such that Carl is put off by Adam’s behavior during the breakup, Carl and Adam’s relationship will be affected. 

It really depends on your situation. If you and someone broke up, but your other partner still wants to date that person, that might be totally sustainable with some time to cool down and some re-drawn boundaries. If you feel really uncomfortable with it, let your partner know, and talk to them about how to proceed.

On the one hand, it can feel unfair if someone’s relationship is impacted by an interpersonal situation between two other people that they have no part of or control over. On the other hand, some arrangements are just unsustainable, and if your partner decides that they no longer want to date your ex because they are your ex, that’s your partner’s prerogative. 

My partner and I were in a relationship with another couple. But things got awkward and we split up. Even though it was months ago i still miss them. Some days it hurts so much. Will i ever get over it?

Short answer: Yes, you will get over it. Breakups hurt. Loss hurts. “Months” is not a very long time to expect total healing after a breakup. I ended a relationship of 6 years in September, and facing the first holiday season without him is a bummer. I still get pangs of sadness and miss a partner I broke up with in 2011 (he was pretty great). But the pain fades. No grief remains permanently unbearable.

Find ways to help yourself ride through the sadness. Let your partner know that you’re really missing your exes. Binge on Netflix. Eat ice cream. Go camping. Do whatever makes you feel happy with the here and now.

You may also want to consider that still missing them so strongly is a signal that it’s worth taking a second crack at making the relationship work. You said it ended because of “awkwardness” - consider talking to your partner about what happened and whether any new strategies or growth/healing in certain areas could help you two overcome the challenges you faced the first time around. It is very rare for me to suggest that the pain of missing an ex or former relationship is a signal to try and reignite it, and it’s not typically the right interpretation of such feelings, but it is something to think about.

If you find that this kind of pain happens often after loss or disappointment or change, and disrupts your life or goes on longer than you feel is reasonable for you to live your best life, consider talking to a mental health professional.

I was dating a woman who began making me feel decidedly uncomfortable despite her own multiple poly relationships, and eventually I broke off the relationship because of too many ignored calls,texts, broken engagments, and a general sense of unwelcome. Later she called me a toxic narcissist among other things and I broke off contact. Do I have to let her back in my life-what my current partners are rooting for? Or can I let this bridge stay burnt?

You don’t want this person in your life, you don’t have to include this person in your life.

Why are your current partners wanting you to get involved with her again? Do they have connections to her?

Do they not understand how hurt you were, or do they know the whole story and still think you should let her back into your life?

Does she even want to get back into your life - are you ignoring pleas for reconciliation on her part, or do your partners just think you should reach out to her?

No matter what, if someone made you uncomfortable to the point that you decided to cut them out of your life, no one should be pressuring you to change that. Tell that to your current partners clearly - this is not something you are open to negotiating about or reconsidering. If they don’t respect that, think hard about whether they’re healthy for you to date.

On the flip side: I try to take all letters at face value, but since I only get one POV, I never get the whole story. If a bunch of otherwise reasonable people in your life are all pushing for you to do the same thing, and you’re the only person operating with your “I was deeply wronged by this unilaterally evil person” narrative, consider listening to them.

Maybe “you overreacted to a comment this person made, and your scorched-earth policy is doing more harm than good to the relationships in your community, and it might be worth trying to heal this a little bit - you don’t have to start dating them or be their friend, but maybe hear out their apology” is a position worth hearing. Maybe. I put this as the post-script instead of my actual advice because it’s not my go-to advice. But since all your current partners are pushing for something, it might be worth it to at least hear out their reasoning.

I was dating a girl who became polyamorous in our relationship. I’m not polyamorous and I don’t think I can change myself to be. I’m very affectionate, touchy, clingy, and I get jealous very easily. I still like her and I will still care for her, We are in the same group of friends by the way I just want to know what a polyamorous person will think or feel about his or her ex. Will her or she still care for them or just ignore him or her?

I can’t really tell you how a person I don’t know will behave after a breakup - every poly person is different, and it’s impossible to predict something like that just based on whether someone identifies as poly or practices polyamory. In my personal experiences, poly folk tend to be pretty good about staying friendly with exes, for a number of reasons, but there are plenty of exceptions.

My advice to you would be to talk about this with her. Let her know that you don’t think you can continue being in a romantic relationship with her because something has changed about the arrangement, but that doesn’t change the fact that you two have lots in common and get along really well. Ask whether she thinks you two can shift to a platonic relationship, building on whatever brought you two together in the first place, but without the pressure of your individual feelings about monogamy and dating. See what she says!

P.S. You didn’t ask about this, but you did write into my advice column, so here’s some semi-unsolicited-advice: you’re well within your rights to only engage in monogamous relationships, but even with an exclusive partner, jealousy and clinginess aren’t healthy. You might want to consider working on whatever fears, beliefs, or habits lead you into those sorts of feelings and behaviors. Liking lots of affection is different than clinginess.

My partner and I broke up a number of months ago. We were in a poly relationship. He had one quite substantial ldr, and was dating a few others. I only very occasionally dated other people, and nothing substantial, mainly as a result of just not meeting the right people. I always felt compared to his other partner, who was always his priority, and I’ve walked away feeling like I was never enough. I felt like they got all of the fun dates, and I got his weekday stress. How do I unpack that?

While I acknowledge that it’s always good to process and heal from the past, I also want to take the chance to expand on your metaphor a bit. Why are you still “unpacking” baggage from a relationship that’s over? It sounds like he wasn’t healthy for you - he made you feel deprioritized and inadequate and he didn’t appear to value your time spent together. That’s not a suitcase worth unpacking. Just throw the whole thing in the ocean. Leave it at the airport. Go buy another empty suitcase and pack it with delightful things.

You may be feeling angry and let down by this partner. That’s okay. Let yourself be mad. Don’t hang onto bitterness and let it poison you for other relationships, but know that it’s okay to feel hurt after someone hurt you. You may have some self-work to do to remind yourself that someone treating you like you’re not valued doesn’t mean you’re not valuable. His problems are his problems, and they don’t reflect on you or your ability to find a loving, attentive partner.

And try not to let this tarnish other poly people or poly arrangements for you, either. Your partner was crap at polyamory, which is sadly all too common - although many people are also crap at monogamy, so it’s less a reflection on the relationship styles and more a reflection on how poorly we’re socialized to be in healthy relationships. If you want to try poly again, go ahead, knowing that you’ve gotten a good education in what to avoid. If you want to steer clear of poly in the future because of your bad experience, that’s fine too.

If you still feel yourself dwelling on the negativity from this relationship, feeling it affect your self esteem, or preventing you from building other healthy relationships, try visiting a poly-friendly therapist to talk some of these things out. And remember that a few months is still a pretty short amount of time to feel totally recovered from a nasty breakup, and you may feel that suitcase getting lighter over time without you having to do much significant unpacking. Junk has a way of falling out on its own, especially as you find better stuff to put in.