A polyamorous person has been flirting with me, but I don't really know what that means

So there's this girl that I thought was flirting with me and she asked for my snapchat. She kept mentioning partners so I asked her what she meant by that and she said she was in a poly relationship with a man and woman who she loves with all her heart. I'm totally fine with all this, but I have no real experience with polyamory. If she is already dating (and kind of living with) 2 people, what does that mean for me? I'm not working this very well, but any advice you could give would be great!

I don’t know - but you know who does? Her! She knows what her relationships are like, and what she’s looking for in a new partner. Your best bet is to ask her: I’m interested in you, but what would it mean for me? What do you want, and what don’t you want, from a new partner? If you started dating someone new right now, what would that look like for you, and for them? What boundaries do you have around dating people? What are your current relationships like? How did they start?

It’s possible that both of her “love with all my heart” partners started out as flirting on Snapchat, and she’s interested in dating someone to see if things move toward becoming significant, committed partners. It’s also possible that she feels “at capacity” for that kind of relationship and wants something more permanently casual. It’s possible that she rejects the binary I just set up and has a completely different best-case set of desires! Express your interest and open up that conversation. If there’s one thing we polyam folks love, it’s open communication. Best of luck!

How does one flirt while polyamorous?

So I'm poly and I have no idea how to flirt. A lot of people say "I want to spend my whole life with just you" and stuff like that, but what for poly people?

First off, I'm assuming you mean "flirt" when already in a relationship? I always associate flirting with trying to get someone's attention and subtly telegraph your interest and gauge theirs when you have a crush on them - once you're secure in their affections for you, it stops being flirting (in my mind). For the record, it's never a good idea to say something like "I want to spend my whole life with just you" as a way to try and probe for someone's interest in you or signal yours without being sure how they feel!

There are many, many ways to express affection for someone without implying a monogamous relationship or worldview! One of my partners often says "I'm on your side," which carries a lot of meaning between us. One of my partners calls me "boo" - pet names can be great flirting tools! Saying things like "you're wonderful," "I really like spending time with you," "you make my life better," "I enjoy you," etc. etc. etc. don't require a lifetime commitment to monogamy! Use whatever compliments fit you and your partners and feel genuine.

Sweet gestures are always great too! If the flirt-ee likes matcha green tea, bring them a little green tea candy that you saw in a Japanese store. If they like sloths, message them a picture of a sloth. If they've been stressing about an errand, offer to run it with or for them. Sharing experiences is a powerful way to show affection: listen to a band or read a book that they like so you can talk about it with them. Inside jokes are great too!

Some people flirt with teasing, but be careful not to get into the territory of "negging." Playful, silly banter and getting into good-natured mischief together is great! Trying to put someone in a position of feeling put down or in danger of losing your respect is not good flirting practice. 

You can also flirt with physical affection - one of my partners and I have an elaborate game where we are always trying to blow raspberries on each other. Butt taps, pokes, smacks, and caresses are frequent between me and my partners. If you're not actually physically involved yet, flirting classics like borrowing their hoodie or touching their arm are classics for a reason. Never underestimate the power of eye contact either. 

Is it a terrible idea to try dating a guy that works at our local supermarket? Everyone there knows my husband and me and we shop there daily, but gosh he’s so cute!!

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Better an “oops” than a “what if.” I usually say go for it when it comes to cute guys, especially when there’s very little at stake.

Important note: don’t ever harass strangers. Regardless of gender, unwanted sexual advances can make people uncomfortable, and people in a service job often have to act nice even if they want to send you different signals. So do it in a self-aware, non-threatening way. Methods I’ve used:

• Leaving my number on a receipt when my waiter was cute (with a big tip!)
• Leaving my number on a leaf tucked under a cute hiker’s water bottle
• Handing a cute bartender a coaster with my number saying “I’m sure you get girls giving you their numbers all the time, but anyway, here’s mine.”

You could try leaving him a cute note with your number - if there’s a tip jar, drop it in there with his name, or leave it on a receipt. Maybe something like “I’m so glad I’m in an open relationship, so I can give my number to cuties like you!” or whatever fits your voice.

Or, just walk up to him when he’s stocking a shelf or his cash register is slow, and be flirty and bold: say you’re in an open situation and you like him. If he seems confused or uncomfortable, drop it, but if he smiles and seems interested, leave him with a smile and your number.

Of course, if this is an issue of personal safety - if you live in the kind of community where this could blow up your reputation, or if you’re worried about the grocery store staff reacting negatively, maybe it’s better to drop it. But that’s your call to make. 

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