My partner has never dated a woman, or dated polyamorously, before - and she says stuff that makes me feel ashamed

I’m (F) in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and recently started dating a girl. She has never dated a woman before let alone one with a husband and she is very obviously struggling with this. Her friends aren’t supportive, she generally thinks all the wrong things about polyamory and what that means for her and I’m struggling to not feel shameful from her comments and feelings about it. She hasn’t broken it off with me but the shame is building inside me and I don’t know what to do!

Generally, if someone is in a relationship with someone who is acting and speaking in a way that makes them feel shame, my advice is to leave the relationship. It’s not your responsibility to try and educate someone out of ignorance if that ignorance is causing you personal pain.

That said, just because it isn’t your responsibility doesn’t mean you can’t decide to do it, if it sounds like something you’re willing to take on. Be open and clear with her: “Bethilda, when you say things like ‘you’ll never truly be all mine,’ it implies that you’re thinking of relationships in a possessive model, and that bothers me. I worry you feel like Dirkfell ‘owns’ me and you’re trying to ‘have’ some of me by taking me away from him. That’s a common way to think about relationships, but it’s now how I see myself and my relationships, and it’s not the best framing for what you and I, or Dirkfell and I, have together."

Then, follow it up by suggesting a re-framing. Don’t argue with how she feels, just explain your perspective and how that might help with some of the assumptions that are leading her to say and think those things. Try not to sound accusatory - “you’re wrong and you shouldn’t say these things because they make me feel bad” - frame it like you’re on her side and want to help her understand things in a clearer way, which could alleviate some of her confusion or fears. Consider pointing her to some resources - don’t just overwhelm her with links, send her one blog post that you think helps, or buy her one copy of a book and offer to read and discuss it with her.

Ultimately, though, being someone’s first same-sex partner, and/or someone’s first polyamorous partner, can be emotionally exhausting, as you help them untangle a lot of internalized shame, fear, confusion, and misunderstandings. Give yourself space, surround yourself with positivity, and be willing to set boundaries: “I know your friends are saying hurtful things to you, but it’s also painful for me when you repeat that judgmental stuff about our relationship back to me. I’m happy to answer your questions and support you, but I can’t just listen to you vent about someone else’s bigotry, because being exposed to bigotry sucks.”

Partner is new to poly & he sometimes fuck up, like everybody does & can do in poly. He & his other partner are Mono(she)-poly(he) relationship. My partner isn’t all that great at the full on communication & check-in thing but we are working on it & finding solutions. However my metamour isn’t really getting that communication can still go wrong. Both of their communication is unhealthy sometimes & I find myself to pick-up the pieces afterward. We talked about it but what else can I do about it?

Give yourself permission to stop doing that cleanup work after he makes mistakes. It is not your obligation or responsibility to manage your partner’s behavior, or his metamour’s feelings. Decide what is a healthy boundary for you to set and set it, gently but firmly.

For me, personally, I have a policy where I can hear and receive and empathize with my partners when they have an issue with another partner, but I do not give advice or share my own perspective. This can be hard and frustrating when they want to ask “what should I do?” or “do you think they’re being unfair?” but I hold to it, because I’ve found that it just gets too messy otherwise. I’m not saying this is a good rule of thumb for anyone but me, just giving an example. 

If you’ve seen a pattern that is starting to bother you, speak up - but stay focused on you and your partner’s relationship. “When you’re having a fight with Blargaret, you get snippy and withdrawn around me, and then I feel like I have to facilitate you two making up so I can get you back. I’m no longer going to take on the emotional work of resolving a situation that I didn’t create and have no control over. Let’s talk about how we can solve this, together.”

It is great that people who are newly polyamorous often have experienced polyamorous partners to ‘guide’ them, but be mindful of how much emotional labor you’re doing on his behalf. If you’re the training wheels, you gotta let him do the pedaling. And if, ultimately, it becomes unhealthy or untenable for you to keep dating someone with a tough metamour situation, it’s okay to end the relationship.