Should I get back together with my ex now that he's no longer with the woman who broke us up?

I was dating a guy, we'll call him Mark and his wife Nicole. Mark and Nicole were both poly. I started dating Mark and Nicole seemed great at first. She lost a relationship then it seemed like things got harder for her. Once Mark and I decided that we loved each other she was pretty much done. I had no intention of taking him away from her, ever. I am also married and I don't want to be with just Mark. So Nicole decided that Mark had to cut things off with me. It has been over a month now and I just heard from Mark. He told me that things aren't working out between him and Nicole, and they are getting a divorce. He wants to talk to me again after the divorce is finalized. Should I date him after the divorce is complete? I feel kind of all over the place with my emotions at the moment!!!

I don’t see why not. You know that you and Mark are good together, and the only reason you two broke up was because of issues with his wife. Now he has decided that he no longer wants to be with his wife, so the issue that broke you two up is gone, and he wants to resume the relationship.

If your “all over the place” emotions are coming from this internalized social rule that you shouldn’t date people recently after a divorce, you can pretty safely let go of those. You know a lot about who Mark is and how your relationship functions, and if you want to get back together with him, I see no reason not to.

But if those emotions are coming from genuine concerns that you have, of course, definitely sit with them and see if you can parse them out. Are you worried that there will be more drama with him? Did his decision to “cut things off” with you based on his wife’s demands reduce your trust in him? Think about why you’re feeling hesitant about getting back together with him, and communicate clearly with him about those issues. It’s okay to take things slowly and want to just chat or be friends for a while before jumping back into a relationship if that’s what you want.

How do I support my partner through a breakup with his other partner?

My metamour is divorcing my partner, which made my partner absolutely heartbroken. How do I comfort him through this? Should I just ask what I can do to help?

Yes, your instinct is correct that asking him how you can help is a good first step. Since I don’t know your partner, I can’t speak to what would be comforting to him. He may want to talk about it, or he may want a space where the divorce is not a huge part of his world; he may want lots of cuddles, or he may want more time alone than usual. Follow his lead!

However, people who are deep in grief or stress can’t always clearly ask for what they want or need to feel better, so you can also be a bit more proactive in supporting him. Doing small favors that take things off his plate - things like taking care of cleaning or household chores that he usually does, filling up his gas tank, bringing him his favorite foods, etc. - can really help.

You could also ask if he would like some help managing the nitty-gritty of the divorce process. Sometimes that can feel overwhelming, so if you’re up to it, he may appreciate help communicating with lawyers, dealing with his ex, and handling the little bureaucratic tasks that could be piling up as a result of this very painful process.

My partner is going through a divorce - what now?

My partner is currently going through a divorce. What the hell do I do?

That question is probably best posed to your partner. Ask them what they need from you to get through this tough time. Maybe they need patience on your part and an acceptance that you'll see less of them while they hunker down and deal with this. Maybe they need a soft shoulder and someone to vent to. Maybe they need cheerful, upbeat distractions from someone who isn't involved and doesn't need to talk constantly about the divorce logistics. 

You also need to make sure you're getting your needs met during this high-stress time. Your partner probably won't be able to do a bunch of emotional labor for you, so you'll need to find somewhere to 'dump out' while you 'comfort in.' Friends, a therapist, a hobby, other partners - make sure you've got outlets as well. 

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My husband insists on an open relationship. I don't want that.

My husband insists that we have to have an open/poly relationship even though it makes me miserable. He keeps saying that we can make it work that we just need the right compromise. But I don't even want that. I do love him, but neither of us are going to be able to be happy together long term. And he refuses to see divorce as an option. Some people just aren't polyamorous and I don't think that makes me wrong or inferior.

You are absolutely correct that not wanting a polyamorous relationship doesn't make you wrong or inferior. You seem pretty clear-eyed about the fact that this relationship does not have a future - you two have discovered things about yourselves that make it obvious that you're incompatible as spouses. 

You don't need your husband to agree to see divorce as an option - you can make that decision for yourself. If it's over in your eyes, it's over. Leave the relationship, hire a lawyer, see a therapist, and free yourself to move forward toward a monogamous relationship that meets all your needs.