What do you do when someone tells you they don’t want to be with you but want to keep flirting as if you’re still together?
Tell them clearly: “Since we’re not together, I need you to stop [flirting behaviors].”
If they refuse to respect this boundary, or argue that you’re being irrational, or deny that they’re doing it, stop spending time with this person.
I fell in love. Then he fell out of love…I didn’t. I love him with every ounce of myself. I fucked up. I hooked up with him & I found out about all the other girls. Right now, I feel a numbing pain everywhere. I cant do it anymore. I want ME to end.
Listen to me. You didn’t fuck up. Nothing about this is your fault. It’s perfectly common to have strong feelings for someone who doesn’t return them. And it’s unfortunately very common to follow those strong feelings into someone’s bed. It sounds like he took advantage of you for that hookup, knowing he couldn’t be what you wanted him to be, but that you were still willing to give him your time and energy.
Let him be the bad guy in this situation. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. To feel cheated and resentful and regretful. But it’s not your fault. It’s just a terrible situation. Know that this feeling will pass. Lots of people throughout history have dealt with unrequited love, have been let down by someone they wanted more from. This numbing pain is survivable. Truly, honestly, you will make it through this.
Reach out to friends or family. Take care of yourself. Go for a spa day, see a movie, eat some ice cream, distract yourself with something that feels good. And if you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts or can’t handle the emotional pain, reach out for help with that immediately:
My girlfriend of several years recently left me when I came out to her as poly. In an ironic twist, I need to ask you guys a question: How do you live alone? I’ve been in relationships for as far back as I can remember. Relationships and emotional connections come naturally to me, but I’ve always had someone there for me and to talk to and now I’m faced with the crippling loneliness and I don’t know how to deal with it. Can you guys offer any advice?
It’s just one of me here :) but I’ll do my best. I am sorry to hear about your breakup - that’s rough, and one thing you need is just time to heal and get used to being without her. This cute little poem-video called How To Be Alone made the rounds a while back - you should check it out!
First, think of it not like being alone, and more like dating yourself. All the energy and compassion you used to pour into your relationships, try pouring it into yourself. Do little things just to make yourself happy. Have long introspective ‘talks’ to get to know yourself. Build that relationship. Pick up a hobby, watch a bunch of movies you always wanted to see, buy some awesome solo sex toys.
Second, not being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you’re alone. Cultivate a strong social life! Go to Meetup groups in your area, sign up for a class, organize a happy hour with your coworkers. Reach out to friends and plan fun things with them, or write emails/letters to those who are far away. Recognize that being close to other people is important to you, so make that a priority in your life, even if romance isn’t the center.
There may be more unique ways to make use of your natural tendency toward relationships and emotional connections that are fulfilling to you. I used to volunteer for a mental health website that needed “community guides” to hang out in their forums and keep things warm and welcoming. You could volunteer with a hotline - anything from suicide prevention to sexual health advice. You could become a big brother or big sister. You could visit shelter dogs, or read with the elderly. You have a gift, and you enjoy using it, so get out there and be your warm, loving, empathic self!
Third, if you feel like you need someone to talk to and you feel crippled by your loneliness, consider talking to a therapist! They’re not just for people in crisis or people diagnosed with a mental illness. Being on your own for the first time and figuring out how is a perfect reason to chat with a professional.
Both of my partners (an established couple) decided they could not handle poly and broke up with me at the same time. It was my first poly relationship. One of them is still in love with me, but says they cannot handle dating two people simultaneously because or mental illness. Do you have any advice? I’m devastated. My first instinct is just to try to help them.
I’m sorry that this happened to you - it’s fair to feel devastated in the wake of a breakup, and to want to do something to help solve the problem that caused it. But no matter how much you care about someone, you can’t do their thinking and feeling for them.
Your exes have decided that what’s best for them is to return to a monogamous relationship. Whether you think they can be helped, or whether you agree that this is what’s best, is sadly irrelevant. Your devastation and desire to help them is understandable, but they didn’t ask for your help, so it will be difficult to give in a way that respects their agency.
Moving on from a breakup is hard, and it means different things to different people. Maybe you need to take some space. Maybe you need to re-establish friendships with these people on different terms. Maybe you need to have a drink with some other friends and watch a stupid movie or take a bubble bath with your favorite herbal tea. Don’t make yourself responsible for someone else’s healing, especially someone who didn’t ask - look after your own right now.
(A note for all my other readers: I get a lot of asks from established couples looking for thirds to join them, and I write a lot about how difficult it can be to join an established couple as a third party. This kind of situation is key to many people’s unwillingness to be a unicorn. Note that this is not a triad that split up; the third person was just pushed back out of their relationship with the couple. When looking for a third, be very honest with yourself and potential partners about whether you’re looking to form an equally committed triad, or whether you as a couple-unit want to date a third person while intending to keep the couple-unit intact, possibly at the expense of the third person.)
I was dating a girl who became polyamorous in our relationship. I’m not polyamorous and I don’t think I can change myself to be. I’m very affectionate, touchy, clingy, and I get jealous very easily. I still like her and I will still care for her, We are in the same group of friends by the way I just want to know what a polyamorous person will think or feel about his or her ex. Will her or she still care for them or just ignore him or her?
I can’t really tell you how a person I don’t know will behave after a breakup - every poly person is different, and it’s impossible to predict something like that just based on whether someone identifies as poly or practices polyamory. In my personal experiences, poly folk tend to be pretty good about staying friendly with exes, for a number of reasons, but there are plenty of exceptions.
My advice to you would be to talk about this with her. Let her know that you don’t think you can continue being in a romantic relationship with her because something has changed about the arrangement, but that doesn’t change the fact that you two have lots in common and get along really well. Ask whether she thinks you two can shift to a platonic relationship, building on whatever brought you two together in the first place, but without the pressure of your individual feelings about monogamy and dating. See what she says!
P.S. You didn’t ask about this, but you did write into my advice column, so here’s some semi-unsolicited-advice: you’re well within your rights to only engage in monogamous relationships, but even with an exclusive partner, jealousy and clinginess aren’t healthy. You might want to consider working on whatever fears, beliefs, or habits lead you into those sorts of feelings and behaviors. Liking lots of affection is different than clinginess.