Not even sure what I'm asking .. In the last year, I've realized I'm polyamorous. I know my partner is not and is not open to it. (We've discussed it casually in the past.) Our relationship is good. We have changed and learned together and overcome a lot. We've been together as friends, dating, or married for about 18 years now. This isn't a relationship I'm willing to break. I guess I'm just sad I'll never get to experience this part of myself. In some ways, I wish I had figured it out when I was younger, before I was in a committed relationship. Any advice on coping in a healthy way? (Hey, I figured out what I'm trying to ask.) I don't feel any resentment toward my partner, so at least there's that. I know suppressing things usually isn't a great choice...but this is the decision I've made. Any advice or comments/perspectives welcome.
I think you’ve basically answered your own question. You have made this choice, and you’ve decided to commit to this choice. Ultimately, we can’t live in the land of “what-if,” and we have to make the best life that we have, right where we are.
All choices require some kind of sacrifice, and we all have to figure out how to live with that. Some of us choose to travel the world, which requires letting go of a rooted, stable, white picket fence life. Others choose to settle down, which doesn’t allow for globetrotting adventures. Having children, not having children, moving to a new city, staying near your family, pursuing a PhD, investing in a career - it’s all the same.
The job you take is the one you’ll complain about. The person you marry is the one you’ll fight with. The grass will always look greener in the land of “what-if,” but actually, the grass is greener where you water it.
You’re not the first person to grapple with the bittersweet grief of letting go of the-life-that-could-have-been. Perhaps my favorite depiction of this very human experience is Sylvia Plath’s allegory of the fig tree. However, unlike Plath’s narrator, you’re not standing there and letting the figs fall off and rot as you struggle to make a decision. You’ve reached out for a plump, juicy fruit and accepted that, because of the way linear time works, this choice necessarily excludes other ones. And now you’ve taken the very healthy route of choosing to focus on the sweetness of the fig you’ve chosen rather than get longingly distracted by the ones you didn’t pick.
Could you have been happy doing something else? Probably. But then you wouldn’t be doing this! I think accepting the limitations of our “one and precious life” and making the choice to be happy with what’s in front of you is a far cry from “suppression.” Congratulations on making a life that fulfills you and brings you joy. Good job committing to that life and staking out your place on that patch of green grass. Enjoy that fig.