I'm autistic, new to polyamory, and not clear on the expectations around Valentine's Day

What’s the etiquette for Valentine’s Day when your partner is poly? I’m autistic and never been in a poly relationship before nor have I celebrated Valentine’s Day and I’m really nervous about it all. Is it a faux pas to get flowers if a metamour is too? Should I ask my partner about it or is it weird to talk about Valentine’s Day with them?

I am sorry that you’re feeling nervous! As a general rule, it is not “weird” to talk about relationships and preferences with your partners - that is the right thing to do. If someone makes you feel bad, weird, or guilty for talking about things, they are not a good person to be dating.

So absolutely ask your partner about it! You can open with something like: “How do you like to celebrate Valentine’s Day?” and ask follow up questions like “Would you like to plan something with me?” or “Do you like to exchange gifts with partners?”

Some people like Valentine’s Day, and enjoy the pageantry of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. Other people are disinterested in it. Some people just take it as a reminder or a reason to do something fun and romantic. Most polyamorous people who celebrate Valentine’s Day extend the holiday so that they can do a “Valentine’s thing” with each partner, but those things don’t all have to be on the 14th. You can go out for a nice meal or plan a snuggle movie night in the vicinity of February 14th and declare it to be Valentine’s. (Of course, some people really care about the specific date - but you’ll only know how much this matters to your partner if you ask!)

As far as a “faux pas,” polyamory hasn’t been an established thing for long enough to have its own Miss Manners type of etiquette. (And I certainly hope it stays that way, honestly.) If your partner likes getting flowers, they’ll probably like getting two bouquets from each partner. If your partner doesn’t really like flowers the rest of the year, they probably won’t mind much either way. Think about what your partner enjoys, and what seems like a romantic gesture to them. The best way to find out is to ask.

You can also let your partner know that you are autistic and that you sometimes feel nervous about not knowing certain relationship traditions or expectations. In a healthy relationship, people would rather be asked about their preferences than have a partner who is worried about solving the mystery. Best of luck, and enjoy your Valentine’s!

How do we honor our serious commitment when marriage isn't an option?

I am married and have been poly since we started dating 10 years ago. In general, everything is very smooth and works well between us. Almost two years ago I started dating someone else who was a bit of a game changer - I've dated other people, but this has turned into a deep, serious long-term relationship. He has always been monogamous but was willing to explore poly to be with me and has taken to it wonderfully. My question is not so much advice about how to manage my multiple relationships, but if you have ideas of a way to acknowledge my other partner with a significant gesture or in a major way when we I can't legally marry him. We've discussed the fact that, in a different situation, we would have approached marriage by now, and while we both are content with the fact that we can't, I would like to do something tangible to demonstrate my long-term commitment. I know it will have to be something that is meaningful to both of us, but I'm struggling with even gathering ideas in the first place at this point!

Congrats on having found two deeply loving, committed relationship! Some ideas:

  • Saving to go on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation that you'll enjoy together
  • Matching tattoos or an investment in high quality, daily-wear jewelry like rings or watches
  • A "commitment ceremony" that is not a legal wedding but includes traditions and people who are important to you
  • A joint project, like fixing up an old camper van, starting a chicken coop, organizing a community event/meetup, etc. together
  • Adopting a pet together
  • Moving in together
  • Working together on a new term for your partnership (spouse, partner, lifeshare, etc. also, you can say 'husband' even if you're not legally married.)
  • Legal name changes - a blended last name, adding each other's last names as middle names, etc.

Do you have thoughts or ideas for this letter writer? You can leave them in the comments on the main blog, askpolyamory.com