My partner and I are fluid bonded and use barriers with other people - but the condom came off

Are my feelings normal and am I forgetting any precautions in place? Context: My NP & I are fluid bonded. There is a barrier rule when engaging with other partners. Upon returning from an overnight date she confessed that the condom came off at the end of her partner's ejaculation. She says most of it looked as though it was in the condom when it was removed. I am feeling scared, hurt, and sad and until her partner is tested we are abstaining from penetration with each other.

It doesn’t entirely matter whether feelings are “normal,” you’re having them, and that’s that. In this situation, it sounds like everyone did everything correctly: your partner honored the barrier rule, and when an accident happened, she told you about it. If you can, try to make room for gratitude and happiness that your relationship and communication are strong enough that this is being handled so well.

Accidents happen. Condoms slip off. It’s a known risk of sex with barrier protection. Usually, it’s not a crisis. Getting tested is a smart step, and if your partner can get pregnant, she should also take a pregnancy test. It’s unlikely that this is going to be the end of the world - in the absolute worst case scenario, if an STI was transmitted, the most common ones are very treatable if not curable. Try to relax! No amount of rules or negotiation can prevent problems from occurring, and when they do, all you can do is manage them together.

I hear that you’re feeling hurt and sad, but remember that no one did anything to you or at you. You were not betrayed or lied to, and it was just an accident that the condom came off. It sounds like being fluid-bonded with your partner is emotionally significant to you, and it might feel like an important part of your relationship has been ‘threatened’ or ‘damaged’ - but, in reality, the terms of your relationship remain intact. I answered another question here about how fluid bonding can be a stand-in for other things, and how it can be important to parse out what fluid bonding means to you.

Feel your feelings, but remember to keep things in perspective. Your partner may also be feeling scared (she’s the one at risk for an STI or potential pregnancy), or ashamed, or any number of things. Or, she may not feel like this is a big deal, which could be jarring to you. Be there for each other and treat this like a small storm to weather together rather than a rift between you two.

My partner's metamour broke a boundary our poly network has, and now we've been exposed to an STI

One of my metamours broke a huge boundary in his relationship to my partner. In addition, he potentially exposed our entire poly circle to HSV. Both my metamour and the person who was HSV positive knew about this boundary but claim "we just weren't thinking/too in the moment." My partner forgave him, but I'm still really angry. One of my other partners talked to him and he lied about it. I don't know how to talk to my partner about it. He’s being tested soon and so am I. What do I do???

It’s up to you to decide what are dealbreakers and what are not dealbreakers, but things to be taken very seriously.

It’s perfectly okay to say that, as part of the terms of your relationships, you only have sex with people who use condoms for all penetrative sex, or you only have sex with people who get STI testing every 3 months and require that of their partners, or whatever specific rules and terms you have. If someone violates those terms, it is within your rights to end or change the terms of the relationship.

It feels stickier since the problem behavior came from a partner of your partner, and not your partner - you can’t exactly “break up” with a metamour the way you an break up with a partner. But you can re-frame your boundary as I don’t have sex with anyone who has sex with anyone else who doesn’t follow these boundaries. This could mean leaving your partner if they’re willing to allow other people to violate those boundaries; or putting a hold on sex with your partner even if you don’t end the relationship. This is not a threat or ultimatum - “leave them or I’ll leave you” - it’s just you holding your own boundaries.

If it’s not a dealbreaker, but instead it’s “something serious and worth addressing but not a relationship-ender,” you need to talk with your partner about how this made you feel, what you need going forward, and what your partner considers to be their boundaries and dealbreakers. Mistakes and accidents do happen, and polyamorous dating does come with some level of risk. But you’re not required to just sweep this under the rug and move on - there is some space between “drop the issue” and “end the relationship,” where you can work out a plan and clarify your boundaries.

Best of luck with your upcoming test; scares like this are incredibly stressful, but it’s good that the parties involved owned up to it and were honest enough with you and your partner so that you can get tested. That, at least, is a good sign.

Is regular STI testing equally important in a closed polyfidelitous relationship?

If you're only having sex with your partners and your partners are only having sex with you and each other, is it still important for you and your partners to get tested regularly?

If the group is entirely closed - if Anna only has sex with Ben and Carter and Dana, and Ben only has sex with Anna and Carter and Dana, and Carter only has sex with Anna and Ben and Dana, and Dana only has sex with Ben and Anna and Carter - then no, regular testing is less critical.

Everyone should be tested yearly as part of an annual checkup (or talk to their sexual healthcare provider about what’s best for them), and everyone should have up-to-date test results at the beginning of the relationship. As long as everyone is on the same page with regards to safety, boundaries, and the nature of the relationship, it functions STI-risk-wise the same as a monogamous relationship between two people.

But if things change in any way - if Carter has sex with Samantha - then everyone needs to be tested regularly.

I don't know how to tell my doctor that I've opened my marriage

I'm married and poly. My husband and I recently opened up our relationship, and I've started seeing someone. My actual concern is that I have my yearly checkup this month, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with my doctor. I know it's really important information to share with them, but I'm honestly a little nervous about bringing it up because I don't know how they'll respond. I made a mention to one of the nurses once a couple of years ago while discussing birth control that I might have sex with someone other than my husband in the future because I'm not mono, and she looked at me like I had two heads. I have a pretty hard time articulating what I want to say when I go to the doctor already, but this is something totally new for me. Do you have any advice on how to approach the subject?

It’s not necessarily critical that your doctor have all this information - they just need to know what’s relevant to your health, especially your sexual health. If you ask for an STI screening and they say “oh, that isn’t recommended/necessary for people who are married,” you can say that your circumstances are unique and leave it at that.

If you want to tell them, it’s fine to just be blunt and matter-of-fact: “I’d like to update my ‘sexual history’ since I filled out my patient forms. My husband and I have opened our relationship, and I now have multiple sexual partners, who may themselves have multiple sexual partners. We use [protection method]. I just wanted to make sure you knew that so we can discuss my health in an accurate context.”

If you’re worried, you can print something out or write something down to bring to your appointment. You can also email your doctor or call their office ahead of time if that makes you more comfortable. Check out this article about how to talk to your doctor about polyamory for some extra resources. And if you have health concerns that you really need to address in a context of safety and knowledge around polyamory, check out the poly friendly professionals index of healthcare providers.

I have two partners. Partner A only has one other partner who doesn’t have any other partners. Partner B has two other partners, both of which have other partners. One of Partner B’s partners contracted gonorrhea so now we all have to get tested. Like, ten of us. And I’m freaking out a little bit. Gonorrhea isn’t a big deal, but it could have just as easily been HIV or something else not treatable. What do you do to keep yourself safe?

I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with an STI scare and it’s got you freaking out. Let me first try and soothe some of that anxiety. It’s actually a really good sign that you know what’s going on and that everyone is going to get tested. It shows that the people in your extended polyamorous network are mature and responsible enough to have awkward, unpleasant conversations for the sake of everyone’s safety.

In fact, one study found that healthy, consensual non-monogamy actually reduces your risk of contracting an STI, because it creates the “emotional infrastructure” required to keep everyone safe. If you were monogamous and your partner cheated on you, for instance, you wouldn’t have the same exchange of information and openness. So be proud of yourself and your partners and metamours for being trustworthy grownups about this.

As for the concern about other STIs: I know it can be easy to jump to the worst-case-scenario of “what if it was HIV?” but I want to try and offer some alternative framings. For one thing, i’m not sure it “could just have easily been HIV,” since gonorrhea and chlamydia are the most commonly reported STIs among young sexually active people, and there are far fewer new cases of HIV every year. (Source.)

Also, it sounds like your polyamorous network is responsible enough to reduce your risk significantly with regards to HIV - someone with HIV who gets tested regularly would know they have HIV and take active steps to inform their partners and reduce their transmission risks. So it sounds like within the circle of people you’re sexually linked to, it’s much ‘easier’ for a gonorrhea infection to accidentally show up than an HIV one.

Know that HIV is treatable, even though it is not currently curable. Once an HIV infection is discovered, the person with the virus can take drugs that significantly reduce their viral load and thus their transmission risks. But, again, if someone who is HIV-positive enters your polyamorous network, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. STIs are not interchangeable; the fact that you may have been exposed to gonorrhea doesn’t mean you have the same risk level of exposure to HIV. 

Second, as for the question what do you do to keep yourself safe? Exactly what you are doing! The person with gonorrhea did the right thing by getting tested regularly enough to catch it. Everyone did the right thing by alerting the extended network. You’re doing the right thing by going and getting tested. It sounds like you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are wise and safe, that you choose partners well and your partners choose their partners well. Great job!

In the end, though, there is no way to 100% guarantee that you’ll never be exposed to an STI, whether it’s gonorrhea or HIV, as long as you have multiple partners who have multiple partners. All you can do is reduce your risk by:

• Getting tested regularly and insisting that your partners do as well
  
• Setting clear, non-negotiable, zero-tolerance boundaries around protection
  
• Cultivating a safe culture for people to inform the extended network about possible exposure

My partners and I use condoms for 100% of penetrative sex. I would consider it a major consent violation if I found out that a partner of mine had condom-less sex with someone else, or if one tried to pressure me into condom-less sex. I would also consider it a major violation on my part, akin to cheating in a monogamous relationship, if I chose to have condom-less sex. If I find out that someone is lax about protection or part of a polyamorous network with a higher risk tolerance than me, I don’t sleep with them. 

It’s okay for different people to have different risk tolerances. Know yours, and stick to it. Most things in life that are enjoyable or otherwise worth doing carry some risk. Car accidents kill tons of people every year, but I still make the calculated risk to drive to where I want to go. I drive safely and wear a seatbelt, but I accept that “risking a car accident” is what I choose instead of “never drive anywhere.” Some people make a different choice, and that’s okay. Rather than trying to guard yourself 100% against potentially getting an STI, try instead to be clear-eyed and balanced about the risks you are and are not willing to take. 

I don’t usually respond to comments on my posts, or get defensive about people who challenge or contradict my advice - but in cases where someone is telling my audience that my advice is “quite misinformed” and not to take or spread it, then goes on to share misinformation themselves, I think I have a responsibility to respond. I have also turned off replies from people I don’t follow, because I would prefer not to have information attached to my content that I don’t stand behind.

From a reply to my post about herpes:

As someone who actually has herpes and a former sex worker, this answer is actually quite misinformed. I have attempted to message the person and advise them otherwise, but it is all blocked off or there is extreme limitations. Do not reblog this. You need to speak to a sexual health doctor. Most regular doctors dont take herpes seriously. There is also no test for herpes. You can only get tested once you have an outbreak. (You can be blood tested, however most doctors will tell you it is not possible) additionally, it is also extremely painful especially for women, meaning every time you urinate, you pee acid all over the sores. I have gone to the toilet and screamed in complete agony. I’ve gone to doctors who just laugh at me and refuse to help me because there is “nothing else they can do."Also, condoms and antiviral medication do not prevent the spread of herpes, as i have infected my own husband while using both. Additionally, you are mistreated, bullied and abused by people and the media for having herpes. Partners leave over it, some people even refuse to be your friend. Its horrible. As someone in a polyamorous relationship, you need to seek advice from a sexual health clinic, and preferably avoid herpes out of respect for your husbands health :)

First: It is quite easy to contact me through the two channels I have available: messaging me via tumblr or emailing me at polyamoryadvice at gmail dot com. It is impossible to contact the people who message me through my blog, because I publish everything anonymously. This is how almost all advice columns work.

Second: I explicitly say “this is something you need to talk to a healthcare provider about.” I am not sure what you mean by “sexual health doctor” - but my answer includes recommendations for Planned Parenthood and “a sexual health clinic.” I also said that the person with herpes might need to do extra legwork to find the right healthcare professional. I believe I provided safe, useful information about whether the people in question should see a doctor, and what kind of doctor.

Third: There absolutely is a test for herpes when there are no symptoms. It is a blood test. You can read about it here and here. This blood test is not part of the standard STI screening, but it is entirely possible for this person who is concerned about her possible exposure to herpes to request that test. Please do not tell people that there is no test for herpes - I stand by my continued stance that poly people should get frequent STI screenings. 

Fourth: Condoms and antiviral medication do help prevent the spread of herpes. Condoms are not 100%, but they reduce the risk, especially when it comes to preventing women from getting the virus from male partners. While antiviral drugs are not a 100% sure bet, they are effective at reducing the risk of transmission. You can read about one study here. I am sorry to hear that your husband got the virus from you - but one anecdote is not a good reason to disavow advice about safe, effective, and useful methods like barriers and medications.

Fifth: I believe I did advise the person writing me to “preferably avoid herpes.” They asked me for tips about preventing risk to their other partners, and for advice about disclosure within the network, and I did my best to give them that advice. I try to answer the questions people ask, not push them toward what I think is best for them from my perspective. I do not believe it is my place to tell this person to immediately cease their relationship with their partner who has herpes.

Sixth: I am sorry to hear that you have faced bullying and abuse. Herpes is unfortunately stigmatized in today’s society. I tried to do my part to fight that stigma in my column by treating herpes not as a death knell for that relationship or a Terrible Monster To Be Afraid Of, but a medical concern approachable with the right healthcare and communication. I did mention that the partner with herpes might need to take some extra effort to find the right doctor. I linked the OJST comic on herpes because I think it does a good job breaking down some of the myths, and the article on asymptomatic testing because it also discusses the anxiety and stigma surrounding herpes. But the person writing to me did not ask about the potential consequences of contracting herpes, and I feel like I would have actually contributed to the stigma by focusing on the fear aspect when it wasn’t mentioned in the original letter.

Polyamory and STIs

Someone recently asked me how non-monogamous people can protect themselves from STIs, and I figured I’d share the information in a longer-format essay as well.

Understand Your Risk. Different flavors of non-monogamy carry different STI risks. If you’re practicing polyfidelity, and/or your network is a closed loop of partners, everyone should be tested, and when they come up clean, you’re OK. Every new person who enters the network should get tested. If you and your partners are always open to new partners and one-night-stands, more precautions are required.

Have a backup plan. Hopefully you won’t, but you may end up getting exposed to an STD. Understand that it’s a risk you take with multiple partners, and be honest with yourself about how you would cope if that happened.

Get yourself & your partners tested. Poly people should get tested frequently (every 3 months) and make it a point to know the STD status of all their partners. Ask all your partners whether they have been tested, and when, and what the results were, and whether they have had any new partners since that test, and whether they checked in with those people about their STD status. Ask that your partners ask their partners the same things. You aren’t entitled to the medical history of your partners’ partners, but you are entitled to ask your partners to take the same care with their partners as you took with each other. 

Use protection. People lie, and many STIs are invisible, so you still need to be tested frequently and WEAR CONDOMS - and insist that your partners use condoms with all their partners. They are not 100% effective at preventing all STIs, but they are still the best thing we’ve got.

Trust is key. Everyone in a network should be on the same page - get tested, share the results with partners, use protection. A major part of this is trust. If you don’t trust someone to do their due diligence and be responsible with their health and yours, they shouldn’t be your partner in the first place.

Keep track. It’s a good idea to keep a general calendar of who you sleep with and when. I don’t mean a sprawling spreadsheet chronicling every encounter - but you should have an idea of a timeline and what your network looks like (who hooks up with who, and when). That way, if you or someone in your network does test positive, you know who may have been exposed and you can get in contact with them. If you’re not out and worried about what a document like that could do to your life, keep it with pen-and-paper, not a digital copy. Those are much less likely to get accidentally leaked.

Be honest. This is perhaps the hardest but most important way to protect yourself and your partners from STIs. You need to be honest with your partners about your STI status and demand honesty from them. You need to be honest with your partners about your non-negotiables, like asking that they always use condoms with other partners, get tested every 3 months, etc.

Take control of your health. STI testing can be uncomfortable and many people don’t like doctors, but you need to be a grownup and deal with it. You need to be honest with your doctor about your sexual history, which can be tough. Know what’s normal for you and get anything usual checked out. Advocate for yourself in the healthcare system, and don’t take shit from sex-negative doctors. If you do contract an STI, get tested and treated ASAP. Take your treatment exactly the way it’s prescribed. 

Budget for health. There’s a lot that goes into responsible polyamory, from time management to communication skills, and you also need to be smart with your money. Have a financial plan for how you will pay for frequent STI testing and treatment for any STI you might contract.

Be prepared to mobilize. This sort of goes with “be honest” and “keep track” - if you find out that you have been exposed to an STI, you need to get that Autobots, roll out! call to everyone in your network - your partners, their partners, their partners, and so on, so they can all get tested. That can be a very tough conversation to have, especially if you are no longer partners with someone but they still may have been exposed - but it needs to happen.

Questions, comments, or further discussion points about polyamory and sexual health? Find me here.